The Deepfreeze...!

I'm sitting here, typing all of this up (yeah, this is going to be a long one) while the ice that formed in the cells of my toes thaws, thinking about... you. You being everything. And since my blog is called "Everything is Everything" you are everything. Deep? I know. I'm about as deep as a baby pool in a park in Kansas.

Like I just mentioned, this update is going to be long and it is going to lay out a lot of things that have been floating around in that black space inside my head. Who do you have to thank for this? Whoever the anonymous poster is who wrote on my entry before this one. This individual galvanized me to return to my blog, to get rid of the thoughts of "no one reads it anyways" and to keep it at least as an outlet for myself.

Holidays Baby

Thanksgiving was weeks ago and mine was awesome. I don't know why I didn't write about it until now. I went back to Ohio where my mom lives and spent time with a whole branch of my family. These are people I have not seen since I moved to Seattle. It's amazing to see how much people grow up over the two years outside of their lives. All of my cousins are younger so seeing how much these kids have grown is ridiculous. I guess I now know what adults meant when they always pinched your cheek and exlaimed "My! How you've grown!"

I ate non-stop over Thanksgiving. My portion control during meals wasn't the prblem. The problem was all of the extra food. The cheese and crackers, the salsas and chips, the dips and pretzels, the M&Ms... Jesus, the M&Ms, I had died and gone to ehaven and made sure I was going to eat my heart out. I have no idea how I was able to do the Flying Feather Four Miler on Thanksviging Day. I joined my mom, my stepdad, my uncle, and my aunt on a run of four miles early and cold as a monkey's ass turkey day morning for a four mile run that was televise din Dublin, Ohio. I think I did okay for not training for it and for being laden with food. 112th place out of 2500 people is a pretty good number. 12th in my age group at a pace of 7:31. Hey, at least I was the only person in my group that didn't get beat by an 80 year old woman.

There is also a sad part about going home as well. I see family and the creations that come form it and it breaks my heart. I always wonder if I will have the same thing some day. And the fact that I can't have kids of my own and my partner's (or even get married - sorry Cali) doesn't help to brighten my mood. My youngest brother was talking to me about how he got into an argument with some of his co-workers about the ability to choose if one is gay or not. He said he told his co-workers that you are either born gay or not. I told him he is so right. Truthfully, I would never choose to be gay. I just am.

Christmas is coming up! I couldn't afford a ticket to my dad's and he couldn't afford one either so I will be here for another year. This time, however, I won't have someone to spent it with romantically like I did last year. Although I guess that's kind of a double edged sword since I got "left" the very next day, LOL. Instead, Ronda and I are planning on making ourselves a little feast at her palce and then watching movies all day. The hardest part is going to be finding a working bus route to her house. It hit me Saturday that I am not spending this holiday with family again and my mood really crashed. I'm trying to combat that leaving any cards I get up on a pedestal in my newly redecorated room to open on Christmas day.

Moving Forward

I applied to graduate school officially a couple weeks ago. The step is huge as (I believe I wrote this in a different entry as well) I put all the effort in myself whereas my dad pushed me through applying to undergraduate back in the day. In March, I will find out what course my life will take. I am praying that I get in as this is the career I want and also gives me a new purpose.

But what if I don't get accepted? I applied only to the University of Washington. I don't want to leave Seattle anytime soon. I have way too much that I want to do here before I move on. I honestly don't know where I will go and what I will do if I don't get accepted. I guess I will have to look for some type of real temporary job so I can apply again. This summer someone kept asking me why I didn't work a real job and my excuse was always that I needed my internship and the Gap was flexible with changes in my life. Will that be true next year if I don't get in? Will I want to live the same way I have been living? It has admittedly been very difficult.

All I can really do now is wait and see. I've done everything I was supposed to do. UW will decide the rest.

Civic Engagement

I don't know what the hell City Year did to me while I was a corps member. Maybe they put little micro chips into my brain pushing me towards being involved civically. WTF mate.

I have been infatuated with the idea of Harvey Milk ever since I read an article about him in the Advocate and what it would mean if 1) he hadn't been murdered and 2) if there was a new Harvey Milk for today. And even then, what if I became the new Harvey Milk? Surely I already have the desire to create equality for everyone and the secret life of being gay to make me similar to him. Although, my knowledge of politics is a bit lame. I do, however, know how to fix that: education. But where do you start if you want to at least try to emulate him? Do you do what I have been doing as a volunteer? Do I need to start sitting in on city council meetings and voicing my opninions? Do I need to go visit the different areas of Seattle to learn more thoroughly what each area needs? Is it better to not become Harvey Milk but instead to just be me? I want so badly to create positive change for anyone and everyone but do I need to be someone else to accomplish that?

I'm officially a Team Leader for the Young Heroes program at City Year Seattle/King County. This is basically an adult volunteer position that gets to show up on the Saturday service days with all of the kids I worked with last year while I was a corps member. The difference? I will not have to plan the day or wear the uniform! Working with the kids was always the best part of the job for me. Now, I get to keep doing that while shedding some of the other aspects I didn't necessarily enjoy.

However, I am also more heavily planning service events for the Gap, Inc. in this region. I have some ideas laid out down the road; I just need to act on them. January's event isgoing to be easy: we are doing service in memory of Martin Luther King, Jr. with City Year on MLK day. February... I'm leaning a little towards something along the lines of old people, valentines, and dancing. Hahah! We will see if it all works out. I was also asked this summer why I plan these events for the Gap when I don't get paid for any of it. I do it because I like doing it and, to some extent, what I do is necessary.

I know that I want to stay involved with both service opportunities (Young Heroes Team Leader and Gap Service) but I have also been tossing around the idea of creating a gay version of the Seattle Works groups. I joined the group I am in this year because I saw an ad for them on the Seattle Gay News blog and thought the group was a gay group. Man, was I wrong! I think I am the only gay individual on the team. That's cool, I don't have a problem with that at all and I evenr eally enjoy the people that I have met. It was just not what I was expecting. Gay people like to do service as well. We also know that there are a lot of people out ther ewho do not prefer the gay nightlife scene. Why shouldn't this be an outlet for eople to meet one another and also get something positive done? I may have to get my other obligations in order before I set out with the creation of this but I do already have some individuals who are interested in joining if I set it up. I think the hardest part is just taking the first step.

I've been seeing a lot of ads for the Gentlemen's Fund lately. I like their message and their purpose. I don't know what exactly I'm going for with this but everytime I see one of the ads, I feel the need to get involved. Maybe it's the men in their ads or maybe it's the human side of me.

All is not Groovy

Can we just let something be known: the hipster look is played out. The original has turned into this uniform of fashion where not looking like everyone else is a replay on the grand old game of who's cool and who's not. "Hi! You're wearing the same flannel shirt, tight jeans, and rocker shows that I am! We are so unique and filled with individual style! Let's be friends and shun that girl wearing boots with her sweatpants." Next, you will catch these two comparing their level of coolness based on how everything on their bodies is thrift store bought besides the blue dye in their hair. Uniqueness, in this world of fashion, has become a uniform. It's old. Go visit Capitol Hill in Seattle where you will find the same person with a different name on every street corner. Next look, please.

There has got to be a law against cramming major street corners with "Save the Children" blokes and sheilas. Walking from 7th and Pine to 3rd and Pine you have the very likely chance of being harassed by twenty or so of these fiends. They wouldn't be so bad if they didn't make you feel like shit for turning them down every time. I already am working at saving the children; now stop trying to steal my money, assholes.

There was this movie playing in the break room at the Gap the other day and line by the actress caught my attention "War, death, destruction... here we go." The line may not mean much without the picture: she was flipping through a newspaper landing on the section she wanted about weddings. Why are our newspapers fo silled with Debbie Downers and Negative Nancys? I am so glad I live in this era. I want a front page article about the good that is happening in relation to the holidays. I want to know about scientific advancements made to help people. I wnat to know that this world is worth saving.

All is not so Bahumbug Either

I truly hope that the holidays treat everyone well. Enjoy everything and everyone. I hope I get to see you in 2009! You are everything (did I do a good job of bringing that back from the beginning? LOL) !!!!!

Bus Time Truths

Often I use a bus along route 48 while in Seattle. This bus runs from Loyal Heights all the way to Rainier Beach.

Something about this bus ride will give anyone who is even remotely observant a peak into the current state of society.

Getting on this bus up near University of Washington one will notice that the vast majority of the passengers are young people of Caucasian or Asian decent all dressed similarly. About the time the bus hits the medical center or the highway bus stop nearby, most of these individuals are no longer on the bus. Going through Montlake and then up into the Central District the face of the passengers changes.

Skin color darkens and clothing styles begin vary greatly.

It's no secret that, economically speaking, this part of northern Seattle is better off financially. What created this schism between these two areas and why is there such a noticeable difference in the types of people who live in them?

People created it. People in our past created this "difference" we see between each other. Obama's election gives some credence to this reality. He's the first African American president. Everyone has feelings regarding this statement, whether elation or despair, proves one thing: there is still racism.

The apparent ethnicity of an individual should not matter. Their skin color should not have bearing upon their financial opportunities, their health care provisions, the goods made available, or the quality of education received.

Race is a social construct. It needs to end.

I can't fathom why the "creators of racism" thought the way they thought and often I people watch with an extreme amount of sadness for the current state of things.

What on Earth can I do?

Negative Count

So, celery takes more calories to digest than it provides. Now, I don't like the taste of celery one bit. I do like the Greek Salad Dressing I bought today for my own version of my Greek French Fries (which I am completely chowing down on right now) so if I add the dressing to the salary the caloric count will basically just be the dressing.

I think I can handle that. Next week is celery and salad dressing.

But, I'm going to take some advice and add in some tomatoes with mozzarella and basil for dinner.

That's enough to get me skinny again!

I'll be ready for Ohio. I hope they will be ready for me.

Tricks, Treats, Social Experiments, and Summaries

Tricks: Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. Never have been really sure why but there you have it. Maybe it's the candy maybe it's the costumes. Or, maybe it's the opportunity to get someone to watch a scary movie with me! This Halloween I decided to be a white trash vampire. Yeah, really. I think a new show called True Blood gave me the inspiration. I mean, the vampires in this show are hideous. Not just slightly, but fugly. Yeah, fugly. I am really used vampires being pretty, attractive, seductive. Not so much these ladies and gents. I haven't been attracted to a single one since the show aired and that's an abnormal thing. If vampires were real, I would totally fall fast.

Treats: I spent Halloween with some friends from City Year. We attacked Fremont, an area of Seattle, and dominated. Well, Katie, Tai, and Sara did. The rest of us sort of went along and laughed a lot while trying to look as cool as those three. I received a box from Mimi and PopPop, my stepdad's parents, full of candy, popcorn, and the traditional chips and salsa. They know the way to my heart: chocolate and chips and salsa. Well, there are many ways to my heart, those two are just two of frontrunners. French fries, hotwings, fried chicken, oreos, and ice cream are all extremely close seconds. I didn't get to see a certain Jughead, which isn't really a treat but was supposed to be, but I did get to stalk pictures on Facebook which I guess will have to suffice.

Social Experiments: I'm trying to cut back on party factor. For a variety of reasons. I want to start saving some money instead of living so paycheck to paycheck. Also to gain some... I guess it's self confidence. I know that the purpose, or the effect, of alcohol is to lower inhibitions. That's just the thing; if alcohol lowers inhibitions then how I act while drunk is still me. I want to claim the good parts: the outgoing-ness, the fun factor, whatever, and make that a part of me all the time. I've made huge strides at various intervals in my life. Josh-highschool is very different than Josh-college and even now Josh-Seattle is an entity all together different, and greater, than both of the other two combined. A very good friend of mine from college, Amy, was always able to party with our group of friends and would never have to be drunk to do so. I admired that about her and prayed that some day I would be the same. I want it to happen now. I took the first steps on Saturday night, and while things will be tough, I think I can pull it off.

Summary: I have completed my essays for grad school! I have people looking them over right now and helping me edit them. I also have 1/4 of my letters of reference in. It looks like school is really happening!

Summary: In two weeks I leave for Ohio and my mom's family. I haven't seen them since I moved to Seattle over a year ago and I am so excited to see them.

Summary: My sister's second child is due in less than a month. I've only seen her first child once, at her wedding, and I feel extremely bad about not being a part of either of my niece's or my nephew-to-be's lives.

Summary: Obama won an obviously historical election. I had imagined a long time that if this had come to pass I would be sitting waiting to hear what was to happen. That something profound was meant to happen. Or something horrible.

Summary: Proposition 8 passed in California. I'm sure that everyone has heard way more than they wanted to regarding this motion but it still has to be reiterated: this is discrimination all over again. It adversely affects life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. How can something like this be allowed to exist?

Halfway to 50!

So, Thursday, October 23rd, somewhere around lunchtime I turned 25. Yep, that's a whopping halfway to 50 marker. My dad wasted no time in making sure that I knew from here on out I would only catch up with him as far our percentile of age differences. Something about me being half of his age would change to being less than half next year - ex-farm boys and their logic games. I didn't understand it either, but I could also say that I was still extremely drunk when I read his email.

The day of my birthday... okay, let's be honest, I am celebrating all weekend, but whatev... began with drinks with Ronda at Bills off Broadway on the Wednesday night before my the official day. Yeah, drinks are cool and so are less than spectacular strip shows at Rplace but that's pretty much a common happening in the great ol' Capitol Hill of Seattle.

The real meat of my birthday happened Thursday night with an experience I never would have expected. Cole surprised the hell out of with one of the most awesome birthday experiences I've ever had. He had planned, designed, and detailed an entire of evening of everything that gains a person access to my heart: alcohol and food!

Cole's plan: A food crawl of restaurants in Capitol Hill. He guest writes for a blog dedicated to Capitol Hill shenanigans and surprisingly, blogged about the experience. I don't know how popular Cap To The Hill is, but I'm sure that it gets a lot more reads than my two readers, Abbie and Joel. It's a bit crazy to have my birthday on something so out of my league, haha! If you want to read the real version, the important one, here's the link: http://captothehill.com/ just scroll down and you'll see a fantastic picture of me. Take a look, he likes the internet validation thing.

Stop one: Via Tribunali and pizza plus a free drink from a bartender that was ridiculously interested in Cole and I's night. Pizza was very good but I agree with Cole, I need pizza with substance, thickness, uhh, you could call it girth, haha. The drink was a margarita gift from the bartender. I liked the restaurant it was really dark, but cool looking. I kept thinking I had visitors while using the restroom, but who doesn't like to pee with an audience? Well, me actually, yay for being pee shy.

Stop two: Quinn's was next. Oi, this place was an experience. First off, Dirty Little Secrets are best left to something other than drinks. I guess if you like the taste of leaves and pickles then feel free to order one of these, but if you're like me, a meat and potatoes guy, you won't enjoy the experience. I'm not saying I didn't finish the thing, because I did, alcohol and I get along really well most nights, but it wasn't all enjoyable. The food item here was something way different: bone marrow! And not like any bone marrow just in a dish or something mundane but inside of two halves of what looked like, and bartender confirmed, leg bones of a cow. One side seemed to be garlic flavored and the other cranberry. The marrow was still attached to the bone and needed to be peeled off if it was to be eaten. It wasn't bad tasting. The marrow instead felt like the fat that is often taken off of steaks. I probably won't ever get it again, but I am really glad for the experience. Now I can say that I've eaten marrow. Yeah, bone marrow, you know, RBCs!

Stop three: Three was something I never thought I would do but I think was necessary. I don't want to explain it out here but I am definitely going to remember it always. Probably to use as ammunition later on in life when I have my own kids.

Stop four: Bleu Bistro was awesome! I've never been in a restaurant where you can separate yourself from everyone else by closing a curtain. I was instantly in love with this aspect of the place. My Piece of Ass drink was fantastic and even more so: the Wasabi Grilled Cheese. Oh. My. God. I loved this sandwich and its three different sauces (wasabi is only one of them but the other two are also fantastic). So, this might be a spoiler but the Grilled Cheese was my favorite food item of the entire night.

Stop five: Table 219. Is it possible for food to get better the more you drink? Yeah, duh, that's the plight of every drinking night of mine. I always end up wanting food when I'm gone mentally. The nachos here, and my drink (it apparently disappeared in my memory, but I know I liked it), were very very nice. I think the nachos were duck nachos or something. They were definitely a good way to curb the current drunken state. I liked this place as well and it's food. I'm pretty easy to please but I also have high standards on locations where I feel comfortable and this one was one of them.

Stop six: Tango near the bottom of Capitol Hill. We had two different deserts here to wrap up the night and each of them was fantastic. Especially El Diablo. Our coffee flavored drinks were also a really nice way to cap the experience. Most of the time I don't like coffee. Combine it with Kahlua or Bailey's and I swear it will become my right arm.

Stop seven: Can I call Piecora's stop seven? It wasn't planned and wasn't a part of the night's original intentions but it held value to me. The pizza (real, thick slices) and the hot wings went straight to my drunken night's satisfaction ratio.

We crashed amidst pizza, hot wings, and Entourage. This is what I missed most about what Cole and I used to have, the end of the night. It's a bit home-ish but that's cool. That's me and I'm cool with that. My party side is only tempered by my desire to be something more like... I don't even know the emotion or the word. I don't know if I really want to know! As far as birthdays go, this one of, if the, best ever. But let's just keep that between us.

Friday was another dedication. Kim and Ronda took me to dinner at The Islander. We had loads of food and drinks off of the happy hour menu and from there went to a chocolate shop in Westlake Center. I love these two gals. I'm glad that both of them stayed in Seattle. If only because I would be lost without them. Okay, maybe not lost, but definitely a bit more lonely. Quite a bit.

Ronda and I ended up meeting up with a lot of City Year folks for one of their birthdays. It sucked a little to hear that Tai and Katie didn't know about my birthday being the day before but I think I can survive. Belltown bars are only cushioned by drinks by the name of Zombie. A rum drink that I can totally begin to love. Especially when in the downtown north end.

Saturday morning was punctuated by brunch (is that an uppity word? it sounds such to me and I really don't like saying it) at The Saint with Cole. If you go there, get the yuca frita and some dish that involves choosing a meat and some sort of tortilla chip dish. Yes to the max on both. Oh, hay-sus, yes to the max on both.

We followed that up with a gut spilling viewing of Saw V. Wow, how much gore can we as viewers live through until this series ends? Will there be a VI? Oh, they definitely leave it open for this. Who is the next villain? Whoa, maybe it will be the previously thought dead child of Jigsaw! But, what's this? A new Underworld movie trailer? And it tells the tale of how the entire war between the vampires and the lycans began? Ohhhhh, sheeeeet. I am so excited about this movie, no joke. It will be a bit different without Kate Beckinsdale (totally go straight for her) but I think the actress playing Sonya, or Sonja or however it's spelled, can totally make my life a happier place.

I finished my Saturday daylight with playing soccer with another team and enjoying almost all of it.

I'm here now, writing this, although it won't be up until later because our internet is stupid, debating on what I'm going to do for the night. I promised myself that this weekend was mine. I haven't been going out as often but really wanted to treat myself this weekend.

I think I may have just been dumb. Or stupid, or fuck, I don't know. I thought Cole and I had a moment or two that would have maybe meant things were different or on the repair or the up, or hell, I don't know. I am writing like I am wounded or stupid. aogoiagoahsghagagh haosfhouihg yeah, all of that.

I am now sitting here on this last night of going out I am allowing myself and I am at a loss. Cole's possibility of hanging out seems to be null and Art, who said we would celebrate my birthday this weekend is not venturing out.

This coming winter promises a lot of different things. Changes. I will miss what I had for awhile and wasted my chances on. I guess everyone learns from their mistakes. I shouldn't have taken Cole for granted, I'm ashamed and an idiot proven. I love the guy and hope that New Orleans, and eventually Australia, treats him how he deserves. As for me, I'm going to do as George Michael does and venture out into the night in the absence of security. It's Josh, just Josh, and about time that I reminded myself of that.

What's that saying that Cody and Dan always admonished? Ahh, that's it: In the end, you is all you've got. I've got to focus on what I want and how I want my life to end up. It's time to write two more essays and pay an application fee instead of staying in this stupid waiting mode. I'm a wave maker and it's time to drown an entire city.

Haha, I will settle for nothing less than world domination and that begins here, in Seattle.

25

My birthday is in like three days and all I want is for someone to take me to Chevy's and then to Hollywood 14 for a scary movie.

Of course, both of those places are in Columbia, Missouri.

A guy can dream though, right?

Finding It

I want Shelter so much.

If everyone has someone, where is mine located?

Uh oh

I think I just signed up for an all gay service group that meets one Saturday a month to do service from October - January...

What am I thinking?

Years of Memories!

I'm sitting here filling out electronic versions of my transcript for grad schools and each semester I add I am flooded with memories from college.

"Shit, that's when I met Dan, DZ Dollaz."

"Oh, god, if I had only known how much Asia would mean to me after she hit me in the head with that frisbee."

"That's the semester I joined PSP and met a group of people who would end up meaning the world to me."

It's been like that all morning. I fill in a class, some grades, and get rewarded with a barrage of memories about my past.

Some of it hasn't been the greatest memories but a great majority has been amazing.

I think I would give almost anything to be able to relive parts of those days. Maybe to change some things but also mainly to just be with those people in those environments as the new and different Josh.

Love you guys, all of you.

Now, no more sappy-ness. I got shit to do!

Better In Time

I've taken the first steps towards applying to graduate school. This statement is monumental for a couple reasons: This is the first time I've been able to know what I want out of my future and to actually apply myself towards that goal; and also that I am doing it on my own (my dad had to push me through applying to undergrad).

I've only gone after the University of Washington's graduate Physical Therapy program right now but I am taking a few peeks at some schools in California as well. It might be cool to experience that other part of the west coast. I love Seattle but when am I ever going to get a chance to possibly do something huge? I'm still a bit torn about the whole thing but at least there are no more attachments to worry about anymore. My real friends will always be my friends.

I haven't talked to, facebooked, emailed, or texted Cole since Friday night. We had this poking war going on for awhile (pretty much since we've known each other) via facebook but I removed the poke chain. I know that I'm testing him and that I could be acting ridiculous, but there always are reasons to the things I do. I'm not going to be the one to contact him first. Childish? Probably.

Sometimes, I think back to that phone call argument where he said I was "acting like his ex" and that he "doesn't want to feel these emotions" adding that he could be at home hanging out with me instead of seeing his friend who he hasn't seen in a long time "which is so much more important" (that's a fucking kick to the groin, right there) and followed it with saying he didn't want that night to be a problem and that he didn't want to have to fight for me the next day. When I tried asking why then had he gotten mad at me when I told him I had been dating Kenny he interrupted with that he didn't want to do this right now, he didn't want to feel like this right now. He has this way of trying to make things my fault when he fucks up. God, I remember back to all of that and the responses just harden my heart. Yeah, so a few minutes ago I was sad but replaying all of that just helps me hate. The night started with lies hidden in texts and ended with me full of hurt and anger.

I saw him the following Monday night and then him leaving on Tuesday for work. Then again I saw him Friday night. Shit, if that night wasn't everything coming out all at once. I had just gotten off work when he asked if I wanted to come up to Madison Pub. I did, and met up with him and some of his friends but I was completely sober. I hate being in bar environments while being sober and what only made it worse was Cole teasing me along with this other guy who happened to share my name. I had completely judged the other guy to be something other than what he was. I honestly didn't expect him to antagonize me with Cole. Maybe I was wrong about who he is or, which is probably more likely, he saw an opportunity to get back at someone who apparently had Cole's attention. I think it was a bit obvious that the other Josh was there to see Cole as much as I was.

Rational thinking was no longer possible for me that night. I had a shot, a drink, and then it was all downhill. I haven't been eating much lately and the alcohol just destroyed my control. I got hit on by a bunch of guys at the Cuff, which we went to after Mad Pub, and I just wanted to be like "Cole! Do you see? Do you see? And all I want is you." But I didn't. I drunkenly encouraged the other guys even though I had no intention of ever seeing any of them ever again. We left to get food and while he bought us pitas I bought us pizza. We met back up at the pizza place we go to after the bars and walked home. We ate pizza along the way and he eventually told me he had been seeing someone from his past, someone who is apparently bad for him.

I immediately thought it was his ex (or possibly that person who he had been hanging out with when he ditched me) and I just flipped my shit. I remember ranting and raving and causing a scene like I always try to avoid: loud drunken nonsensical obscenities. During part of it, I remember him telling me to do something and then get back to him when I had done it. For the life of me I can't remember what the condition was but I do remember watching him walk away and all I could do was watch him go (sounds dramatic, eh? Yay for being gay).

He stopped, like I hoped he would, and said "JDK". Before I knew it I was crossing the street to him. I stayed the night with him and left on Saturday morning to go to work. I had finally returned everything of his to him. I had been awake for awhile before I left and had done a lot of thinking. I'm selfish, I guess, because I decided that I didn't want to be second best or occasionally first. It was either me or whoever he was seeing. Or at least, if he was going to see past person then he can see anyone he wants, besides me. I know that it's a bit hypocritical of me to make that declaration since I had gone on a few dates with a soccer teammate while Cole and I were hanging out but this is the way I was feeling. I think if the situations had been reversed and he told me he had gone on a few dates with someone from his soccer team, I would have kicked him out of my apartment a long time ago.

I told Cole in the beginning what I was looking for. He also told me that he thought he was going to break my heart. He was right. But I can't help but wonder if I hadn't also broken his sometime during us as well. Maybe I did. I probably won't ever know.

He's definitely the Cal and I thought that I could be the Pell, but it's becoming more and more obvious that I'm just the Panthera.

Writing is so therapeutic. This has probably helped me clear my head for two days at the most, then I will have to deal with being down all over again, but at least by then more time will have passed.

They say that time heals everything.

Cleaning House

Ever get to that point where you know something has to change or you are going to spiral into worthlessness?

Yeah, that's been me for about two weeks now.

This feeling isn't a new one to me. I've been through periods before where I just get overwhelmed with life and the uncertainties of the future and think that there is nothing but failure and sadness down the road. Often, I try to escape these feelings and emotions with the bottle; my old best friend: alcohol. I would liquor it up for a good deal of days and then be pulled out of my rut by my own disgust in myself. Most of my life isn't spent in these bipolar swings of emotions. Most of the time I am carefree and happy, even childlike.

I've only had two episodes in my lifetime where things got out of hand. Once, I was stopped from making the most selfish decision I have ever made by the one and only DZ Dollaz: Dan Zwilling. I don't like to talk, or hell, even write, about it as I think it makes me look pitiful and weak but I think that admission helps explain why he is such an important person in my life and probably always will be. The other time, my cure took the form of taking the first real steps towards making a dream into reality: leaving the Midwest.

Lately, I have been forced to face the onset of another bad experience (mood, depression, despair... whatever) without the old friend, booze. Mainly because of monetary reasons (I am completely broke, like, the actual definition of the word "bankrupt" has a picture of me next to it) has kept me away from drinking. Waiting for the bus to go to one of my jobs has me often watching other individuals, who I am assuming are poverty stricken, drinking and talking to themselves and I wonder how close to that state am I. Will I fall that far? I beg not to and set my mind not to but sometimes I can't escape how similar I am to them.

I'm not an alcoholic and, hopefully, will never become one. It's true that my family has a history of alcohol abuse but I have always believed that it was something that my current generation had the ability to avoid.

Hah, late at night when I'm alone I always start thinking about the string of bad luck I've had with meeting (how can I put this without coming off as shallow or some word that will express what I don't want this to be read as?) guys who last. Art has nearly faded away as I think our last exchange in person may very well have been the last ever, Michael is definitely a thing of the past, Jonathan is as well, Kris was like a blip in the radar, I ran over Dustin, Patrick has this little bit of lingering taint - most likely just because he is fucking around with one of the guys on my soccer team and I still haven't appeased the vengeance side of me in regards to him, Kenny is also already beginning to fade away, Cole is something else right now entirely.

I had been hanging out with Cole for, I think, almost two months now? I know if I really want the date, all I need to do is find out when my friend, Jennifer, came to Seattle as he and I met the day before. Even while I had been going on a few random dates with Kenny I had been doing much more with Cole. I think that a part of us was ruined by me (it seems as if everything I touch I ruin!) when I let him know that I had been going on dates with someone from my team and that I just wanted us to be friends. I didn't stick to just the friends part like I either should or should not have. Something that we talked about was that Cole might have started wanting to be around me more just because he knew I was becoming unattainable or just something he couldn't have. Now that Kenny and I are no longer doing anything, it seems like things have shifted back into what they were before where I was always following Cole around letting him control the next time we see each other and that my being around was just a little novelty and not anything really of importance to him. Do I need to say that someone else is trying to get into my pants to get him to like me again? Is that even right?

And in any event, I was the one that just wanted to be friends right? Why then, do I get jealous when I think other guys are hitting on him or if he goes away for awhile and I can't help but think he has met someone else or hooked up with someone else and that eventually I will be asked to "just be friends" and he will really mean it. Do I have the right at all to want more?

I have been around the block, unfortunately, so I am not new to the relationships that men like us have.

I'm just so tired of a lot of it. I feel old trapped in a twenty-something body with the maturity of a thirteen year old.

I've dramatically increased my activity level to cope with my down state as of late. Well, there was no money for alcohol so I had to do something!

My outlook took a turn today when I received monetary help from my step dad and mom. I can now afford food! Who would have thought. I won't lie and say I didn't consider going out tonight, or sometime soon, to celebrate, but I squashed that line of thinking when I realized that I was only perpetuating the cycle.

I have been telling myself that I just need to focus on the future. I, honestly, am in the best position ever to get myself into graduate school and I even have the motivation to make it happen. All of which I lacked when I graduated undergrad.

I have always told myself that I don't need anyone and that in the end, I will only have myself. If that's true, then I will have failed at one of the most meaningful things in life: finding friends to share living with.

Maybe not everyone has someone they are meant to be with, and maybe I'm just one of those someones.

One Year

As of August 27th, 2008, I have officially lived in Seattle for one year.

I'd be lying if I said I was the same person that I was when I left Columbia. So many things about myself have changed (and I don't really feel the need to lay them out here as you can get a pretty accurate measure of what has changed about me just by reading my blog).

As of now, I feel like I'm floundering when I should be feeling like a million bucks.

I finally landed an internship that is designed to get me into grad school and I even get paid for it! The setbacks: low hours, and really, right now all I am doing is insurance crap for athletes.

Maybe it's just my mood (why aren't the endorphins kicking in!?) and maybe today isn't a good day to write this entry even though I've been putting this off for awhile.

What is a fact, though, is that I love living in the city. I don't see myself going anywhere else anytime soon even if my "floundering" feelings tend to give me wanderlust or homesickness.

I am where I'm supposed to be and although I'm poor as shit (especially right now) I know that things are on the up and up.

I just got to figure out how to make things happen.

And I think I need some M&Ms.

Whewwww

It's been forever since I have written on this thing. I've been busy. Or, uhh, not so much busy, but having a lot of fun doing anything and everything.

I'm not ready for putting my thoughts into words yet, but I should be soon.

However, I do have an interesting little story:

This past weekend seemed like the weekend of birthday parties. I went to two, each on a different night. The Saturday night party had something totally weird happen.

The party was for a guy I worked and lived with who I met at City Year. He is staying on to do another year of service and lives with a bunch of girls who are pretty good friends of mine. I went because it was starting early enough to be a good pre-party location before going out for the night. The fella and I aren't really that close of friends, but I do love the girls I know that he lives with now. I also suspected to know a lot of the other guests who were going to show up.

The theme for this party was circus. I didn't dress up, but there were plenty of bearded ladies, genies, tigers, tiger trainers, carnies, etc... I was one of the few lames not in costume. But I was full of booze! So I feel I made up for my lack of cool clothes. I also, for once, brought alcohol to share. Yeah, I'm a cheap ass.

Part way through the night, I am sitting on the front porch reminiscing, making fun of, and laughing at plenty of people/things/nouns when we notice this guy coming across the street. He's clearly already trashed. He introduces himself and starts going on about the party and asking if it's a private one. Everything about him reminds me of home. He is completely like the guys I grew up with and even a lot of the guys I would hang out every once and awhile in college (not my close friends, more like Dan's friends).

I start by giving him shit. He takes it like a man, which gains some respect from me because I can be pretty... umm... obnoxious when I'm drunk and feel like my territory is being invaded (yeah, I know, this isn't even my house, but damn if I'm acting like it is). He has a beer with him and sits down on the steps while the harassment continues. By this time, I'm the only one harassing him. A friend, Sarai is sitting with us and there are a few of our other friends behind us in their own conversations. A girl we don't know comes over not too long after he sits down.

Turns out, she's his wife. He doesn't believe in wearing his wedding ring. They are 25. He's in the Army. They are visiting friends who live right across the street and he has a habit of running off when he's drunk.

I no longer care if he's there anymore. He seems harmless enough, so I start talking to his wife. Somehow (probably me being who I am and asking really inappropriate things), I find out that she and her hair dresser are questioning his sexuality.

Yeah, I was totally rethinking his level of welcomness to the party. As in, come, have my alcohol. I'm not going to lie, dudes in uniform are hot.

I can tell that his wife is ready to go home and she tries to get this guy to come with her (I feel so Don't Ask Don't Tell so his name isn't even going to be on here) but he completely shuts her down. She leaves in a huff.

By this time. I am sitting on his right down a step and Sarai is sitting on his left up a step from him. No one else is paying any attention to us anymore, he's just some guy who decided to come to our party. There were plenty of other guests there that weren't known by everyone.

Army guy asks me if he's cock blocking me from Sarai. We both laugh at him and I let him know that I'm gay. He's like, "really? No way." "Way." He then lets me know that he never would have guessed and that he's cool with me as long as I don't hit on him. I thank him for the compliment and tell him he has nothing to worry about me hitting on his ass and we continue doing what we were doing, plus one thing: his leg is suddenly flush against mine although Sarai is doing most of the talking and we are looking in her direction. I'm thinking is Army guy hitting on me? WTF mate? and I test things a little by sliding my leg a little bit away from him. Sure enough, his leg is right back up against mine within seconds.

After a while, we go back into the house to get some more alcohol. Sarai is talking to her boo while Army guy and I are cruising the house looking for everyone. I am grabbing a beer out of the living room when my friend Katie comes up to me and tells me that Army guy just told everyone in the kitchen that I'm his buddy and that he'd fuck me if I wasn't gay.

Hahaha

He comes out of the kitchen a minute or two later and we go back outside. He wants to go back to his apartment and get some more alcohol and wants me to go with him. I tell him that's probably not a good idea and he says that there's no one there so no one will even know if we go there. I ask him where his wife went and he says that he doesn't know but she didn't go there.

Well, we go across the street to the apartment. I know I know, dangerous. But danger was the last thing on my mind. And really, besides him not being able to feel pain, I knew I was way more sober than him and no amount of combat training was going to save his ass if he tried to pull something on me. Just a statement of fact (go Krav Maga, bitches). He makes this strong mojito complete with the leafy things (minus being ground up) and gives it to me. We take a shot of something (Hot Damn maybe? I can't remember). And the night starts to go south.

While we were at the house, nothing really happened. There was no action like there would be in any porno that may have started off the same way as this. The most that happened was the completely unrequired amount of body brushes and sides touching that was going on while shot taking and making drinks and exploring the apartment.

We eventually head back to the party where I start dancing with another friend of mine, Tai. I think we were showing off, but I can't remember to whom. During this time was when things started going down hill with Army guy and everyone else at the party. Most of the people left had all moved into one of the bedrooms and he was apparently crashing the entire thing. When I finally went in search of him, people were pissed and he was no longer allowed to stay.

We all go outside and he acts like he is going away but really just hides in some trees at the house next door. He can totally be seen. He eventually crosses the street, picks up a "Sidewalk Closed" sign, and comes back to where I'm sitting on this concrete wall in front of the house. He puts down the sign and sits right next to me. He wants to go back into the party but I tell him that's a bad idea. He asks if he's an asshole and if he ruined things. I tell him that I have no idea what he did but people don't want him back in the house so I wasn't going to let him go back in. Eventually, I notice that some of my friends are sitting on the steps behind us. He must have noticed too because he says that we should go back to the apartment. I can see people's reflections moving in the windows of the apartment now so I know that people are home. I tell him that he should go but I'm staying. I give him the mojito cup and tell him to go home to his wife.

He then asks me something very not married like:

"Will you come back with me and have sex with me and my wife?"

Uhh? I tell him that married people aren't supposed to be doing that and he says that the Army has the highest percentages of divorce and also, this is where he gets very serious, that his wife can handle us both: "she likes cock."

Apparently someone else does too, Army guy... you.

He stands up and starts pulling on my arm to get me to go back with him. I offer to take him home, but that's it. I take him as far as the steps. He goes up, I stay at the bottom and he stops at the top and asks me if I've ever seen this movie (I can't remember the name - alcohol ate it out of my memory) and starts babbling about something else. The door to the apartment opens and two other guys come out. I'm now looking up at three guys, two new ones on either side of Army guy. One is his brother and the other is the owner of the apartment. They ask if I've been babysitting him all night and I say that my friends and I have at out party across the street. He then tells them he wants to go back but I say that's not a good idea and remind him about how he's not liked over there. He asks again if he's an asshole and I say "Looks that way." The other guys thank me again and take him inside.

I go back, grab some cold chicken, and sit on the porch to eat. Wouldn't you know it but I see the apartment door open and here comes Army guy running down the steps wearing a baseball cap now. He comes up and stops on the steps and starts talking to me. Asking me if he can come in and stay with me. I tell him that I don't live here and he can't come in. He asks where I live and I tell him the general area. Before anything else can be done Tai and Katie come outside and he says "I guess I'll be going then. Do you know where Dante's is?" We give him directions, he wanders off drunkenly, and that was it. Haven't heard or seen him since.

I stay with the girls a little longer and then walk home. I don't live terribly far from them, but it's a hike nonetheless.

Along the way, I replay everything that happened. I wondered why the hell I was so interested in this guy because besides the fact that he initiated and encouraged everything, I was positively responsive. I could have completely shot him down and made his life hell, but I didn't. Thinking back, I can only attribute my actions to three things: Alcohol, the fact that he reminded me of home, and his obvious no questions asked need to be around me. I respond to things like that (yay growing up in broken homes!).

It would have never worked (hello, the fucker was married!) despite the uniform. I had something going on the next day that is something that can work (something that I hope does) and is much much more healthy for me.

Army guy is probably gone, but the lesson isn't. It's all just a part of growing up and finding out who I am.

That being said, I feel more clarity and closure regarding the entire thing. I need these types of things. I write out what I feel, observe, witness, experience, and explore. That doesn't mean I can't converse, but I prefer to have the hard copy.

And that's just cool with me.

Go back Ireland!

"Go back to Ireland!"

Some man today yelled this at me while I was walking past him with my friend from college, Jennifer, and her friend from grad school, Nathan.

Uhh... haha

I felt like I should have been mad, but I totally wasn't. I had to do a double take just to finalize the thought that he meant me.

I mean really... I'm not even Irish!

Yeah, so my hair is a little red. Okay, that's a lie, I'm pretty much a redhead, but I'm not Irish! I'm German and Polish, estúpido.

It's kind of funny now that I'm looking back on the entire experience and I'm definitely surprised that I didn't get mad and cause a scene.

Who knows, maybe I really am growing up!

PS - life has been awesome lately. More to come later!

What's that? Pride? WTF Mate.

So, I've never been to a Pride event before in my entire life. This past weekend was Pride in Seattle and initially I had absolutely no desire to go to any of the events. I always though "why do gay people need a holiday for themselves? I'm fine with being a gay man and not having to shove it in everyone's faces during some huge event."

Holy shit! What was I thinking?

I had to work Sunday morning during the parade. So many people called out that I ended up getting asked to stay later. The managers helped me out earlier that morning in a situation where I was either going to be extremely late or come in to work wearing non-Gap-appropriate clothes and looking like hell. They chose to have me come in and get myself fixed up (shit, the night before was a once in a lifetime experience but oh so awesome). So, when they asked if I could stay, I said that I would. I was only planning on going to the Seattle Center and catch up with some of my friends but didn't really mind missing the parade.

Throughout the day, I could see some of the festivities from the second floor balcony at our store. While I watched, I realized how much I really did want to be a part of all of that. Who knows, maybe because I was amazed at the show of support, all of the cool floats, or just even being able to be around other people who don't care what my sexual preference is (yeah, Mid-MO still lingers in my veins).

I had to ask my managers if Pride was something that happened every year, and thankfully, they said it did.

Next year, I'm not going to miss it. I'm not just going to hit up the nightlife, but also the day events.

If you want to come with, just give me a buzz.

Blessing of Snoqualmie

Like the title? Well, fuck you, because I do. It's meaning will stay with me and any of my team members who remember its meaning.

It seems like it has been awhile since I've posted. I would be lying if I said that nothing has happened that has been worthy of writing about.

We are finally at the end of City Year. I have graduated from the program and my ten months of service to the communities of Seattle is complete. This is a turning point for me. I now have the freedom to return home, continue with the life I have created for myself here, or go somewhere new. I’m not going to lie; trying out a new location is pretty enticing. Likewise, going back to the Midwest and spear-heading social change has a great deal of appeal. However, Seattle has won out. I will be staying here in this amazing city and continuing just being me.

I hope that’s a me who is on his way to graduate school and making them dollaz.

At the beginning of the year we were required to write letters to ourselves. These letters were designed to rekindle our passions and to illuminate the reasons why we signed up for City Year come mid-year when we are worn out and ready to end everything. In typical City Year fashion, we received our letters Wednesday, two days before we graduate from the program and even after we have already completed our end of the year reviews. I have been thinking for nearly a week as to how I can write what’s on my mind but have been stuck at every corner. Perhaps that was the way things were meant to be. When I opened the letter I wrote myself everything came together. Somehow, September Josh knew what was going to happen to me. He wrote a letter to the mid-year Josh that the end of year Josh finally was able to read. The letter documents, in a way, everything about me that was to be fulfilled. It’s crazy how life works sometimes. Here is the letter:

9-14-07

Dear Josh,

City Year is a unique opportunity for yourself. Yes, you have finally been given a chance to get out and be free in a big city but you are also being given a chance to do something with yourself. You have constantly wondered about whether or not your life will have an impact or make any difference to anyone at all. City Year is providing you with that chance.

Some personal goals for yourself will be controlling unconscious judging, becoming more outspoken, and becoming more trusting. You’ve made huge improvements so far regarding judging others. As you figured out, recognizing it will always be the first step. Without recognizing that you are judging, you cannot act in a way to fix that. Becoming more outspoken has always been a challenge for you. All that is needed is pushing yourself to conquer the uncomfortable and engage in public speaking. Lastly, you know that trusting will always be hard for you based on your past. Right now, I am unsure how you overcome this but I have faith that you will because face it: you’re kind of a big deal. Don’t be scared of being burned, look instead for what good may come.

Later gator,

Josh Kemper

Yeah, it may not seem like much, but this later encompassed a lot of what I unknowingly would work towards during my term of service with City Year.

I finally had the chance to get out of the Midwest and to also have a lasting impact. I know that the work I did with my kids, for Seattle’s various communities, and for myself will last long after I am gone. I’ve left a legacy and that feels awesome. So it sounds selfish but I don’t care. I wasn’t accomplishing anything noteworthy in Columbia, Missouri. Now, here in Seattle, Washington, I have had an impact on lives. That’s something to be damn proud of.

I was raised racist. Now I’m not. I was raised homophobic – wow, that backfired completely. Now I’m not. I was raised sexist. Now I’m not. My pre-judgemental self was something that was in the process of being squashed before City Year. CY only helped to finalize things.

So, outspokenness and public speaking. Challenges? Definitely. However, I conquered this area as well. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, public speaking no longer scares me. It’s easy and maybe I even enjoy it a little. I got to speak in front of 700 people at our Ripples of Hope gala, over 400 at my team’s sponsor annual meeting, running and speaking at assemblies of middle school students, and even addressing the mayor of Seattle on behalf of my students during an environmental awareness forum. For those of us who know the Josh of old these are some very fantastic feats.

Lastly, trusting others and not being scared of being burned. I can honestly say that Seattle’s environment is entirely different than where I am from. I was top dog there. I was always in control and I would affect the way relationships would turn out. Oh boy, apparently the citizens of this state never got that memo. For those who read this blog often, you will already know about Michael and I. More recently, however, Patrick and I split up.

When Patrick told me that he no longer felt the same way about me anymore it crushed me to my core. Never, ever, have I had the guts to picture a life together with someone. Yeah, I went there, I was looking forward to a long long happy time with this man. I even talked about adopting kids with him and having him meet my parents. None of my significant others have ever had that opportunity. I guess that I was completely thrown off by the end of things. I knew that his actions towards me had changed but I didn’t know it was that extreme. I didn’t know that he had stopped loving me. I’ll be honest, the L-word was used (and no, this isn’t a paragraph about lesbians) between both of us.

I don’t allow people completely in very easily yet I did for him. It’s sad for me that it’s over; I can’t really say the same on his side.

I have been thinking for so long what happened that caused things to be different. What did I do to make things change from the perfection that was how we were? I still don’t know. I probably never will but, someday, that won’t matter. As of right this moment, I am leaning towards a few directions. He said that he didn’t want to have to worry about someone else being in the picture. The Thursday night before we broke up he had gone out with one of his friends to a bar while I was working. I got off work and had all of my Gap stuff with me and all of my City Year stuff with me. It was almost 11:00pm on a week night where I have to be up and work the next morning. He and his friend tried to get me to come out with them but I had to refuse. If I had been caught with any of my City Year stuff in that bar I would have been fired instantly. I would have immediately lost my education reward and everything I had been working for nearly ten months would have been out the window. I would have wasted a year of my life by trying to find some cheap fun in the bottom of a bottle. Sorry, but my kids mean more than alcohol to me. I asked that Saturday night when it ended if I had gone out with them would things be different. He said no, but that Thursday night made him realize that he didn’t want to have to worry about another person being in the picture. Alright.

I thought back to where this line of thought might have originated from and came up with a few options: barbeque, Bellingham, and Las Vegas. At our Memorial Day bbq, I crashed early without telling Patrick. There were a lot of people over at my place and when I overheard someone say that it was 1:30am, I realized that I had to be at work in six hours. I promptly went to my room, set my alarm, and crashed. He asked the next day if I was mad at him, which I wasn’t, and after I explained why I went to bed, he said that he told everyone that he guessed he should probably go to bed too. This alone may have only planted the seed. However, there was a weekend where we were supposed to go to Bellingham. I was able to get off of my second job for Friday night, Saturday, but not Sunday. I had to opt out because making Patrick bring me back home either early Sunday or late Saturday night was absurd. I told him that he should go because his friends there really wanted to see him. Yeah, I wanted him to be with me too, but I also realize the importance of friends, especially ones that have known him far longer than I have. Las Vegas is much the same story. He was planning on going there with his friend Toby and invited me. I couldn’t afford it (hello, I worked for AmeriCorps for ten months, I live pay check to pay check, there is nothing in my bank) but I told him that he should go. He questioned if I was being serious with him that I wanted him to go, I said I was, and that I would miss him while he was gone, but as long as he didn’t hook up with anyone, then I would be okay.

As far as all of this goes, maybe I was being too lenient. Maybe it seemed like I didn’t care if he was there or not. I sure as hell did care. I was trying my hardest to keep him (and therefore me) on good terms with his closest of friends. Far too often I was left behind while my friends in college met significant others and stopped hanging out with me. That sucked, so I was really trying to avoid recreating that with his friends by not monopolizing all of Patrick’s free time. I think that’s a pretty noble endeavor but I can also see how it could have caused a feeling of him not being valuable to me. Perhaps that line of thinking led indirectly to a cessation of returned affection. Maybe that action made me come off as not caring. Who knows now?

Or maybe I just lost my fun appeal. I spent a crap ton of money when we were together and towards the end, I stopped being able to go out. I would opt for more nights at home and less out drinking, just so that I wouldn’t go bankrupt and be forced to go back to Missouri. I have no one else to fall back on financially; I am my own bread winner. That could totally be the reason. I love going out. I love partying and I love having a few (or a lot) of drinks. But if I have no money for it I can’t do it, comprende? Bueno.

The entire thing couldn’t have come at a worse time. City Year is ending. My friends are leaving. I will lose a lot of the people I have become close to up here and in some cases I will have to start over. I knew that this was coming when I was with Patrick but being with him made the entire thing seem like everything would work out. Now, hah, I’m alone again. Story of my life, eh?

What does this have to do with the letter? You may have wondered that a few self-loathing paragraphs ago. Well, I took a valuable lesson from Patrick. Yeah, I loved him, yeah, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and was committed enough to work at it so that it would be feasible but I also realized that he is not the end-all of everything. No one is. I can go out again and meet someone new, all it takes is trying. I was doing much better by Tuesday (probably because I forced myself to mentally prepare to lead ex-gang member middle school students throughout South Park, Seattle in an effort to get rid of graffiti complete with a police escort) and was able to talk about everything and even joke about what had happened.

I’m not saying that what we had mattered so little, in fact, how fast I seemed to feel better scared me a little just because I did love Patrick very very much, but rather that I acknowledged that Patrick can only decide things for Patrick. Likewise with me, I may not have liked that he was dumping me, but I also didn’t make him dump me. I can’t control his thoughts, actions, or emotions. He wants to be friends still (PS – the people you like who I live with are leaving soon, so you better find a way to see them if that is what you meant by coming back to our house) which I am thinking won’t happen because of two reasons: 1 – I can’t do it right now. I don’t think I could hang out with him in the same room and pretend everything is cool and, 2 – By the time I am able to, he will no longer care or even think about me.

I left my soccer game that Sunday afterwards early. I couldn’t stomach the game. I didn’t want to try. I didn’t want to run. I didn’t care if people got past me or if I scored (which is completely unlike me, I am competitive to the core). However, on my way to the bus stop I saw this young lady. She looked as sad as I felt and I realized something: everyone has their down times, what I’m going through is no worse than someone else is experiencing right now either. Because I got dumped the night before doesn’t mean the world stopped turning. I paid respects to what we had in the form of our team's Legacy Binder. There is a collage page of me with my favorite picture of Patrick and I as its center. Forever, that will be tribute to what we were for a very awesome two months of my life.

This is life. So, I’m bottomed out right now, the only way is up, right? My letter seems to say so.

End to a Long Paragraph in an Extended Chapter

Last night, Wednesday, we finally had the graduation for all of the kids in our program.

I honestly can't believe that the five months of program are over. The entire night went exactly like it was supposed to: perfect. For this particular night, I was put in charge of creating the script for the entire event as well as working with the Young Hero student we picked to represent the Young Heroes as one of the emcees. I got to stay on the stage for the entire thing, which I actually liked. I noticed in the beginning of the night when I was making the blind announcement in front of all of the Young Heroes, City Heroes, their families, the service partners we invited, City Year staff, and guest speakers, that I no longer minded doing public speaking. I used to be petrified of it, but now, it's almost easy. I noticed this as well last week when my team had to do a PT presentation in front of our team sponsor, Amgen. I introduced us there and explained PT as well as thanked Amgen for its sponsorship and thanked one of the representatives for maintaining that relationship. Speaking at either event was insanely easy and I didn't mind doing either (knock on wood). It's funny how some things change over time.

In any case, back to the point of this post. My kids are done. My Saturdays are freed up. I don't exactly think that everything has settled in that I won't be seeing my kids every Saturday. I'm sure sometime soon I will go through some type of post-par tum depression or something weird. I did steal some photos from the event of some of the kids that had particularly large influences on me. I also stole their names off of the table that we had created for them.

Doing City Year again as a corps member will drive me insane, however, I will have to see these kids again. Hopefully I can keep myself motivated and committed enough to come back and hang out with them on Saturdays.

Five months. Summed up in less than two hours.

Wow.

Hah, I think it is starting to hit me now.

I need to find nice frames for these pictures. These kids are so worth it.


PS - I read a quote today at Meany Middle School, the school my team works out of, while setting up for its student art exhibition that totally rocked me to my core. It's my philosophy written by someone else in a way that I had never heard of before. Check it out:

"Our true nationality is mankind." - H.G. Wells

Living

Living is all I have been doing.

City Year is coming to a close. We have about six weeks or so left until we officially graduate and I am so very ready. I am most definitely glad for choosing to do City Year, but I am also so very worn out with it all. My boss has been trying very hard to get me to come back as a Service Leader for my team but I don't think I am going to do it. I would still really love to be involved with the kids on Saturdays as an outside adult volunteer but I don't want to do the day-to-day of City Year anymore. Being a Service Leader would only add to all of the stress I had as a corps member.

Gap is going fine as well. They are going to move back into doing both stock and floor sales instead of just doing stock like I have been doing for months now. I will be very happy when that change is made. Taylor no longer works there. She was my in for getting my second job and now she is gone. It's a very different place without her as a constant. Luckily, she still works at City Year and is planning on staying in Seattle after we are done, like I am planning, so we still see each other. She also just works at Banana Republic up the street, so I could easily go see her before my shift at the Gap sometime.

Patrick is also more amazing than ever. Everyday I am finding myself more and more comfortable with this man and I can't wait for us to both have more free time. He gave me a set of his dog tags with his name on them while saying: "This is probably going to be dumb since I'm not in the Army anymore...". But I completely disagree. I think it's probably one of the coolest gifts I have ever been given. And what's even better is that they are a huge reminder of him. Not that I don't already think about him a lot, but now, every time I move a certain way, I can feel the tags, or I can hear them clink and I remember who gave them to me. I honestly can't wait for a chance to have him meet some of the most important people in my life, my friends from Truman.

Friday night we went out with a bunch of Patrick's friends from home and some of his friends that he knows from Seattle. One of the destinations that night was my favorite gay club in Seattle: Rplace. Rplace is a typical gay club in that there is loud music, lots of alcohol, and sometimes even special shows. However, the music played here is almost always hip hop, my definitive favorite music to party to. That night started off like any normal Rplace night. We got drinks on the bottom level and then headed straight up to the top floor for dancing. As soon as I get upstairs I see my ex. I didn't tell Patrick, although he probably knows now since I know he reads my blog, as I don't consider Mike a part of my life anymore. I ignored him until he was being absolutely sure I saw him. I waved and went back to chugging my drink in preparation for braving that dance floor with all of its craziness. While dancing with Patrick and his (hot) friends, I noticed that Mike kept staying near us and watching me. Eventually, he disappeared with some random guy he met on the dance floor (didn't he dump me to be someone else? does this other guy know Mike gets with other guys on the weekends? hah, who knows). However, there was a text on my phone later that night from Mike saying how good I looked and that I didn't know how sorry he was about what happened.

I promptly deleted it.

Patrick is like 100 times, wait, no, more like 1,000 times more of a man than Mike. He's hotter and, more importantly, has one of the best personalities I have ever encountered. He truly is an amazing guy.

Hah, this is looking sappy. But fuck it. I can write whatever I want on my blog.

adios, mis amigos!

Cinco de Mayo...

...was awesome!

Aside from the predictable margaritas and tequila shots in celebration of this holiday, Patrick and I finally made us official.

I don't know about you, but I tend to be on the fence about things unless they are completely stated. Well, you may know that about me considering if you are reading this blog you probably know me personally and therefore you would also know how gullible I am. I need things to be laid out for me to understand.

So, when Patrick and I went on our little lunch picnic, I knew it was time!

This guy is freaking amazing!

I can't wait for when I'm done with City Year and he's done with school so we can spend more time together besides just the weekends. Absolutely-100%-can't wait!

I need to like take Alysse, the girl who made us meet each other at Rplace, out or something because she did a damn fine job.




Oh, PS - I got offered a job for post-City Year.

Two Sides to Everything

There are always two sides to absolutely everything. City Year, a non-profit organization that does amazing things for both corps members and kids is also an organization that has internal difficulties. Things that I know are bothering me and a few other people that I work with.

I sent out a pretty extensive email yesterday morning to all of the service leaders and some of the corps members that I genuinely wanted to hear what their opinion was. Below is a copy of the email I sent. I think that it pretty much sums up my feelings regarding City Year in general at the moment and since City Year is consuming my life these days, this email will help portray my current state of mind.

The responses I have received far have ranged from anywhere from complete support to complete disagreement.

Here it is, feel free to give your own feedback if you have any or if you want to say anything at all:



Hey Folks,

I am emailing you because basically I am having a lot of problems justifying not doing City Year for a second year. I would only come back as a Service Leader to Seattle and work with Young Heroes. Other options are really not attractive to me (well, that's a lie, I think I would like Clanci's role). However, I am also ready to move on with my life (I'm freaking 24!).

I have been talking with people a bit and have generated a long list of questions or rambles or whatever you want to call them.

I am emailing you (everyone has been BC-ed) because I am genuinely interested in your opinion regarding an answer to any or all of these inquiries. You really don't have to, but you might be helping me out if you can answer at least some of them. Also, I think it would be hecka hard to talk to everyone in person and still stay on topic.

I honestly don't care about nice-ness. Please be as blunt and honest in your opinion as possible. I also realize that some of you have never been a corps member and I know which of you this applies to but feel free to mark that in any case.



1) How does students loans work with being a Service Leader? I know that right now I receive some sort of deferment with my loans but I still accrue interest because I am not serving a full year. Does this change with the responsibilities of being a Service Leader?

2) Does being a SL give you the chance to cause change? Are your voices heard? Are you listened to by the leadership in CY? Are any actions taken to alleviate concerns of SLs? Have you ever tried to affect change? I knew people in college who left my fraternity because they didn't agree with certain aspects. I never understood why they didn't want to stay and make things different just by being vocal. I am not sure if by not coming back that I would be doing what they are doing. That also being said, are there any systems set in place that allow us to cause change? Right now, I feel like there isn't.

3) If this applies to you, why aren't you coming back as a SL?

4) If this applies to you, why are you coming back?

5) I have used this statement a bit: "Everything I like about City Year I can gain from being a volunteer with Young Heroes on Saturdays." Is this viable if I don't necessarily agree with other aspects of the organization? I love my kids, but I don't really love the day to day stuff.

6) What do you want done differently?

7) Did you experience any personal growth during your term with City Year? Do you think this was a result from being in City Year or was it a coincidence that you also happened to be in City Year at the same time?

8) As far as SL goes, how much difference is there between that and being a CM?

9) If you are not coming back or are completing your maximum amount of years with AmeriCorps, are you planning on staying affiliated with City Year in some way?

10) Gayatri made a statement after Ripples of Hope that really struck a cord with me: "I have never been more of proud of all of you than I am right now." Yeah, we as a corps rocked out at RoH and I definitely understand the necessity to gain sponsors and money for our organization, yet that is secondary to the service. Why isn't service our highest value? Why isn't our leadership (I understand that this is a generalization and that is intended) most proud of us when we are coaching a student through a tough paragraph or teaching a new way to look at a math problem? Why does it seem like the white collar part of City Year valued more than working in the actual trenches?

11) Also during Ripples of Hope, changes were made to certain parts of the PT routine and that's fine. The delivery of the changes was my problem. In the very beginning of City Year we had to do workshops and practice (remember with Cecil?) how to speak to other people without causing conflict. I understand completely that pre-RoH was stressful and that people make mistakes, however, accusatory tones and words were used in presenting changes to the entire corps regarding certain things that were completely unacceptable. Being in a position of leadership comes with added responsibilities. Part of that is treating the people who work with you and under you with respect. How do you feel about the general vibe of corps member treatment within City Year?

12) Something that Charlie spoke of at his little shindig on Friday was that City Year provides experience and growth for both the corps member and the students that corps member works with. Tackling both at the same time is obviously difficult. Should City Year focus on one? Should that be service? Or are all of the other requirements outside of service for the corps members necessary?

13) It appears, at least to me, that sometimes some issues within City Year are more focused on than others. I could also just be biased. We spent a lot of time focusing in on racism above all other issues. So much that the topic was not even something that the average corps member was involved with (the City Heroes and Young Heroes teams do their own curriculum on racism). Where was the unit on homosexuality? Why was so much of our energy spent on racism when domestic violence, substance abuse, hunger and homelessness, etc., are all equally important and equally crippling to parts of this nation?

14) What's the point to Legacy Binders if we never look at them? My team has never been presented with our Legacy Binder from last year. Uh? Why are we making the same mistakes that past teams have made? And then being told that we are making these sames mistakes after the fact? Has this been something other teams have experienced (for whoever this applies to)?

15) Who's officially left City Year? There seems to be a corps member turnover that is glossed over or kept in silence. I know who is no longer in City Year but what happened with letting the rest of us know? Are we not in a position to know? It seems like somewhere between the questions "Who's gone?" and "Who's officially gone?" that the memo of telling everyone else gets lost.

16) What do you think or feel about some sites moving to different locations next year? What do you think will be difficult in this transition?

17) Is it possible to give back outside of City Year? My program manager said that I will be losing out on this opportunity if I don't come back next year. In a sense, this is true as I will be too old to come back if I don't return next year. I absolutely am not done with affecting change societally. Do you think it's viable to cause change outside of an organization that is so directly involved with making things happen?

18) Is it okay to trust the system with the students I work with now? They were okay before me, will they still be okay after me?



I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and for all of my life, things have become clear in one direction or another. However, with this, I am so completely stuck in limbo. It's like I need to stop being so fate driven and need to start taking my own direction it sucks.

I know this is hecka long, so feel free in taking your time.

Or deleting the entire email.

Later,

Josh