I've taken the first steps towards applying to graduate school. This statement is monumental for a couple reasons: This is the first time I've been able to know what I want out of my future and to actually apply myself towards that goal; and also that I am doing it on my own (my dad had to push me through applying to undergrad).
I've only gone after the University of Washington's graduate Physical Therapy program right now but I am taking a few peeks at some schools in California as well. It might be cool to experience that other part of the west coast. I love Seattle but when am I ever going to get a chance to possibly do something huge? I'm still a bit torn about the whole thing but at least there are no more attachments to worry about anymore. My real friends will always be my friends.
I haven't talked to, facebooked, emailed, or texted Cole since Friday night. We had this poking war going on for awhile (pretty much since we've known each other) via facebook but I removed the poke chain. I know that I'm testing him and that I could be acting ridiculous, but there always are reasons to the things I do. I'm not going to be the one to contact him first. Childish? Probably.
Sometimes, I think back to that phone call argument where he said I was "acting like his ex" and that he "doesn't want to feel these emotions" adding that he could be at home hanging out with me instead of seeing his friend who he hasn't seen in a long time "which is so much more important" (that's a fucking kick to the groin, right there) and followed it with saying he didn't want that night to be a problem and that he didn't want to have to fight for me the next day. When I tried asking why then had he gotten mad at me when I told him I had been dating Kenny he interrupted with that he didn't want to do this right now, he didn't want to feel like this right now. He has this way of trying to make things my fault when he fucks up. God, I remember back to all of that and the responses just harden my heart. Yeah, so a few minutes ago I was sad but replaying all of that just helps me hate. The night started with lies hidden in texts and ended with me full of hurt and anger.
I saw him the following Monday night and then him leaving on Tuesday for work. Then again I saw him Friday night. Shit, if that night wasn't everything coming out all at once. I had just gotten off work when he asked if I wanted to come up to Madison Pub. I did, and met up with him and some of his friends but I was completely sober. I hate being in bar environments while being sober and what only made it worse was Cole teasing me along with this other guy who happened to share my name. I had completely judged the other guy to be something other than what he was. I honestly didn't expect him to antagonize me with Cole. Maybe I was wrong about who he is or, which is probably more likely, he saw an opportunity to get back at someone who apparently had Cole's attention. I think it was a bit obvious that the other Josh was there to see Cole as much as I was.
Rational thinking was no longer possible for me that night. I had a shot, a drink, and then it was all downhill. I haven't been eating much lately and the alcohol just destroyed my control. I got hit on by a bunch of guys at the Cuff, which we went to after Mad Pub, and I just wanted to be like "Cole! Do you see? Do you see? And all I want is you." But I didn't. I drunkenly encouraged the other guys even though I had no intention of ever seeing any of them ever again. We left to get food and while he bought us pitas I bought us pizza. We met back up at the pizza place we go to after the bars and walked home. We ate pizza along the way and he eventually told me he had been seeing someone from his past, someone who is apparently bad for him.
I immediately thought it was his ex (or possibly that person who he had been hanging out with when he ditched me) and I just flipped my shit. I remember ranting and raving and causing a scene like I always try to avoid: loud drunken nonsensical obscenities. During part of it, I remember him telling me to do something and then get back to him when I had done it. For the life of me I can't remember what the condition was but I do remember watching him walk away and all I could do was watch him go (sounds dramatic, eh? Yay for being gay).
He stopped, like I hoped he would, and said "JDK". Before I knew it I was crossing the street to him. I stayed the night with him and left on Saturday morning to go to work. I had finally returned everything of his to him. I had been awake for awhile before I left and had done a lot of thinking. I'm selfish, I guess, because I decided that I didn't want to be second best or occasionally first. It was either me or whoever he was seeing. Or at least, if he was going to see past person then he can see anyone he wants, besides me. I know that it's a bit hypocritical of me to make that declaration since I had gone on a few dates with a soccer teammate while Cole and I were hanging out but this is the way I was feeling. I think if the situations had been reversed and he told me he had gone on a few dates with someone from his soccer team, I would have kicked him out of my apartment a long time ago.
I told Cole in the beginning what I was looking for. He also told me that he thought he was going to break my heart. He was right. But I can't help but wonder if I hadn't also broken his sometime during us as well. Maybe I did. I probably won't ever know.
He's definitely the Cal and I thought that I could be the Pell, but it's becoming more and more obvious that I'm just the Panthera.
Writing is so therapeutic. This has probably helped me clear my head for two days at the most, then I will have to deal with being down all over again, but at least by then more time will have passed.
They say that time heals everything.
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