Writing Titles Sucks Sometimes

Okay okay, shenanigans aside, I received my rejection letter for my application to grad school and a doctorate in physical therapy on Tuesday. My response was to binge drink and celebrate self-loathing. Lame to the max.

I didn't have a plan B ready. So, I am sure you can assume that there was some freakage involved.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Alcohol: a social lubricant and personal favorite upper that masquerades as a downer. Or, well, at least it acts as an upper for me.

For most of the week I was able to make it to my obligations: work went fine. Saturday was my wake up call that I was spiraling into a whole new bad place. I slept through getting to hang out with my kids. All because I had consumed way more alcohol than any living person should have and ended up in... a bed... by 5:30am.

What did I do? I need to get myself back under control. There is another chance for me to hang out with the kids this coming Saturday and I am so worried about seeing them and having them ask me where I was. What do I say? The truth? That I could very well have a drinking problem or that I spent Friday night boozed out of my mind and couldn't make it on Saturday? What kind of role model would I be then?

I guess sometimes it's necessary to lie.

Sunday, which really was a few hours ago, signaled a reset point. There are some challenges ahead (like, I don't know, figuring out what I am going to do with my life now) but I have to find a way to motor through them.

I had this big plan of writing a post about secrets. I've seen them cause so much trouble in one side of my family. Secrets even affect myself and my relationship with people because I am so scared and confused about my sexuality. However, I thought it was more prudent to write about something real. Secrets are always kept because the keepers feel it's necessary. My actions have only hurt myself and these middle school kids who want nothing more than to save the world and have fun while doing so.

What have I been doing with my life?

I guess I've been learning. Learning the hard way, for sure.

Pop Songs and Romance

It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you

But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
with or without you

Baby I don't understand
Just why we can't be lovers
Things are getting out of hand
Trying too much, but baby we can't win

Let it go If you want me girl, let me know

I am down on my knees I can't take it anymore

Blah, blah, blah, right? I know, I know. Trying to gain the sympathy card is so last year and two seasons ago.

Whatever, I do what I want.

And my version of this song would not apply to any girls (sorry ladies).

I re-sync'ed my ipod to my laptop about a week ago and added a ton of songs that are new to the ipod's memory (this is interesting only because my ipod has been playing the same songs since I left Missouri - well over a year ago). Including the above (and the rest of the lyrics) little ditty called "It's Tearing Up My Heart" by NSYNC. It's funny how a song from the nineties will apply so much to the now.

In the not so distance past things between myself and Cole ended. If he reads this, he will probably roll his eyes and make that chuckling noise. Oh well.

I have had my share of one-nighters and weekend trysts. I've had even less real relationships. Cole was something so entirely different. I was never challenged by anyone I have ever been with until him. The beginning was amazing. Difficult at times, but amazing nonetheless.
Somewhere along the road things changed. I know for a fact that I did not change, it resulted from something else.

Our chances and times to hang out started to go away completely. Almost every night was changed to a few times a week. Then, I was lucky enough to see him twice a week. Next up, nothing but every other week. The typical man-gets-rid-of-man sequence was made possible by the original just-stop-talking-to-each-other play.

The lyrics I copied and pasted above speak exactly to how Cole and I worked. At times, I hated being with him. He would drive me insane and I would want nothing but to be away. Yet, when I was away from him, I would want nothing but to be with him. Is it possible to be so simultaneously obsessed and annoyed by one person?

I removed him from my friends on facebook and myspace while also deleting his phone number from my cell (admittedly not before I recorded it into my telephone/address black book). He wrote me thinking this was what my wrath looks like but to be honest, it's not. I'm trying to avoid jealousy and more heart problems... ahem. Try not to let out the fact that I actually do have a heart: I have a reputation to uphold. I felt the step was necessary for me to try and get over the man. Getting fucked and ignored in the same day is not something I ever want to happen again. Well, that can't be avoided with one night stands, haha, but definitely should not happen with someone you used to (used to? do I really mean past tense?) love.

I learned from us. And if the rest of the song plays out it's going to be a bumpy ride. But hey, Fievel didn't go west to be stuck in heartbreak-mode.

This entry is not a plea to get him back. It's just me writing things out. I do that, and have for a long time. I miss the guy something fierce but every day that "miss you" factor decreases.

Whoever said it was right, time heals everything. It's going to hurt, but every thing's going to be okay.

25

My birthday is in like three days and all I want is for someone to take me to Chevy's and then to Hollywood 14 for a scary movie.

Of course, both of those places are in Columbia, Missouri.

A guy can dream though, right?

Better In Time

I've taken the first steps towards applying to graduate school. This statement is monumental for a couple reasons: This is the first time I've been able to know what I want out of my future and to actually apply myself towards that goal; and also that I am doing it on my own (my dad had to push me through applying to undergrad).

I've only gone after the University of Washington's graduate Physical Therapy program right now but I am taking a few peeks at some schools in California as well. It might be cool to experience that other part of the west coast. I love Seattle but when am I ever going to get a chance to possibly do something huge? I'm still a bit torn about the whole thing but at least there are no more attachments to worry about anymore. My real friends will always be my friends.

I haven't talked to, facebooked, emailed, or texted Cole since Friday night. We had this poking war going on for awhile (pretty much since we've known each other) via facebook but I removed the poke chain. I know that I'm testing him and that I could be acting ridiculous, but there always are reasons to the things I do. I'm not going to be the one to contact him first. Childish? Probably.

Sometimes, I think back to that phone call argument where he said I was "acting like his ex" and that he "doesn't want to feel these emotions" adding that he could be at home hanging out with me instead of seeing his friend who he hasn't seen in a long time "which is so much more important" (that's a fucking kick to the groin, right there) and followed it with saying he didn't want that night to be a problem and that he didn't want to have to fight for me the next day. When I tried asking why then had he gotten mad at me when I told him I had been dating Kenny he interrupted with that he didn't want to do this right now, he didn't want to feel like this right now. He has this way of trying to make things my fault when he fucks up. God, I remember back to all of that and the responses just harden my heart. Yeah, so a few minutes ago I was sad but replaying all of that just helps me hate. The night started with lies hidden in texts and ended with me full of hurt and anger.

I saw him the following Monday night and then him leaving on Tuesday for work. Then again I saw him Friday night. Shit, if that night wasn't everything coming out all at once. I had just gotten off work when he asked if I wanted to come up to Madison Pub. I did, and met up with him and some of his friends but I was completely sober. I hate being in bar environments while being sober and what only made it worse was Cole teasing me along with this other guy who happened to share my name. I had completely judged the other guy to be something other than what he was. I honestly didn't expect him to antagonize me with Cole. Maybe I was wrong about who he is or, which is probably more likely, he saw an opportunity to get back at someone who apparently had Cole's attention. I think it was a bit obvious that the other Josh was there to see Cole as much as I was.

Rational thinking was no longer possible for me that night. I had a shot, a drink, and then it was all downhill. I haven't been eating much lately and the alcohol just destroyed my control. I got hit on by a bunch of guys at the Cuff, which we went to after Mad Pub, and I just wanted to be like "Cole! Do you see? Do you see? And all I want is you." But I didn't. I drunkenly encouraged the other guys even though I had no intention of ever seeing any of them ever again. We left to get food and while he bought us pitas I bought us pizza. We met back up at the pizza place we go to after the bars and walked home. We ate pizza along the way and he eventually told me he had been seeing someone from his past, someone who is apparently bad for him.

I immediately thought it was his ex (or possibly that person who he had been hanging out with when he ditched me) and I just flipped my shit. I remember ranting and raving and causing a scene like I always try to avoid: loud drunken nonsensical obscenities. During part of it, I remember him telling me to do something and then get back to him when I had done it. For the life of me I can't remember what the condition was but I do remember watching him walk away and all I could do was watch him go (sounds dramatic, eh? Yay for being gay).

He stopped, like I hoped he would, and said "JDK". Before I knew it I was crossing the street to him. I stayed the night with him and left on Saturday morning to go to work. I had finally returned everything of his to him. I had been awake for awhile before I left and had done a lot of thinking. I'm selfish, I guess, because I decided that I didn't want to be second best or occasionally first. It was either me or whoever he was seeing. Or at least, if he was going to see past person then he can see anyone he wants, besides me. I know that it's a bit hypocritical of me to make that declaration since I had gone on a few dates with a soccer teammate while Cole and I were hanging out but this is the way I was feeling. I think if the situations had been reversed and he told me he had gone on a few dates with someone from his soccer team, I would have kicked him out of my apartment a long time ago.

I told Cole in the beginning what I was looking for. He also told me that he thought he was going to break my heart. He was right. But I can't help but wonder if I hadn't also broken his sometime during us as well. Maybe I did. I probably won't ever know.

He's definitely the Cal and I thought that I could be the Pell, but it's becoming more and more obvious that I'm just the Panthera.

Writing is so therapeutic. This has probably helped me clear my head for two days at the most, then I will have to deal with being down all over again, but at least by then more time will have passed.

They say that time heals everything.

Cleaning House

Ever get to that point where you know something has to change or you are going to spiral into worthlessness?

Yeah, that's been me for about two weeks now.

This feeling isn't a new one to me. I've been through periods before where I just get overwhelmed with life and the uncertainties of the future and think that there is nothing but failure and sadness down the road. Often, I try to escape these feelings and emotions with the bottle; my old best friend: alcohol. I would liquor it up for a good deal of days and then be pulled out of my rut by my own disgust in myself. Most of my life isn't spent in these bipolar swings of emotions. Most of the time I am carefree and happy, even childlike.

I've only had two episodes in my lifetime where things got out of hand. Once, I was stopped from making the most selfish decision I have ever made by the one and only DZ Dollaz: Dan Zwilling. I don't like to talk, or hell, even write, about it as I think it makes me look pitiful and weak but I think that admission helps explain why he is such an important person in my life and probably always will be. The other time, my cure took the form of taking the first real steps towards making a dream into reality: leaving the Midwest.

Lately, I have been forced to face the onset of another bad experience (mood, depression, despair... whatever) without the old friend, booze. Mainly because of monetary reasons (I am completely broke, like, the actual definition of the word "bankrupt" has a picture of me next to it) has kept me away from drinking. Waiting for the bus to go to one of my jobs has me often watching other individuals, who I am assuming are poverty stricken, drinking and talking to themselves and I wonder how close to that state am I. Will I fall that far? I beg not to and set my mind not to but sometimes I can't escape how similar I am to them.

I'm not an alcoholic and, hopefully, will never become one. It's true that my family has a history of alcohol abuse but I have always believed that it was something that my current generation had the ability to avoid.

Hah, late at night when I'm alone I always start thinking about the string of bad luck I've had with meeting (how can I put this without coming off as shallow or some word that will express what I don't want this to be read as?) guys who last. Art has nearly faded away as I think our last exchange in person may very well have been the last ever, Michael is definitely a thing of the past, Jonathan is as well, Kris was like a blip in the radar, I ran over Dustin, Patrick has this little bit of lingering taint - most likely just because he is fucking around with one of the guys on my soccer team and I still haven't appeased the vengeance side of me in regards to him, Kenny is also already beginning to fade away, Cole is something else right now entirely.

I had been hanging out with Cole for, I think, almost two months now? I know if I really want the date, all I need to do is find out when my friend, Jennifer, came to Seattle as he and I met the day before. Even while I had been going on a few random dates with Kenny I had been doing much more with Cole. I think that a part of us was ruined by me (it seems as if everything I touch I ruin!) when I let him know that I had been going on dates with someone from my team and that I just wanted us to be friends. I didn't stick to just the friends part like I either should or should not have. Something that we talked about was that Cole might have started wanting to be around me more just because he knew I was becoming unattainable or just something he couldn't have. Now that Kenny and I are no longer doing anything, it seems like things have shifted back into what they were before where I was always following Cole around letting him control the next time we see each other and that my being around was just a little novelty and not anything really of importance to him. Do I need to say that someone else is trying to get into my pants to get him to like me again? Is that even right?

And in any event, I was the one that just wanted to be friends right? Why then, do I get jealous when I think other guys are hitting on him or if he goes away for awhile and I can't help but think he has met someone else or hooked up with someone else and that eventually I will be asked to "just be friends" and he will really mean it. Do I have the right at all to want more?

I have been around the block, unfortunately, so I am not new to the relationships that men like us have.

I'm just so tired of a lot of it. I feel old trapped in a twenty-something body with the maturity of a thirteen year old.

I've dramatically increased my activity level to cope with my down state as of late. Well, there was no money for alcohol so I had to do something!

My outlook took a turn today when I received monetary help from my step dad and mom. I can now afford food! Who would have thought. I won't lie and say I didn't consider going out tonight, or sometime soon, to celebrate, but I squashed that line of thinking when I realized that I was only perpetuating the cycle.

I have been telling myself that I just need to focus on the future. I, honestly, am in the best position ever to get myself into graduate school and I even have the motivation to make it happen. All of which I lacked when I graduated undergrad.

I have always told myself that I don't need anyone and that in the end, I will only have myself. If that's true, then I will have failed at one of the most meaningful things in life: finding friends to share living with.

Maybe not everyone has someone they are meant to be with, and maybe I'm just one of those someones.