I'm sitting here filling out electronic versions of my transcript for grad schools and each semester I add I am flooded with memories from college.
"Shit, that's when I met Dan, DZ Dollaz."
"Oh, god, if I had only known how much Asia would mean to me after she hit me in the head with that frisbee."
"That's the semester I joined PSP and met a group of people who would end up meaning the world to me."
It's been like that all morning. I fill in a class, some grades, and get rewarded with a barrage of memories about my past.
Some of it hasn't been the greatest memories but a great majority has been amazing.
I think I would give almost anything to be able to relive parts of those days. Maybe to change some things but also mainly to just be with those people in those environments as the new and different Josh.
Love you guys, all of you.
Now, no more sappy-ness. I got shit to do!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Better In Time
I've taken the first steps towards applying to graduate school. This statement is monumental for a couple reasons: This is the first time I've been able to know what I want out of my future and to actually apply myself towards that goal; and also that I am doing it on my own (my dad had to push me through applying to undergrad).
I've only gone after the University of Washington's graduate Physical Therapy program right now but I am taking a few peeks at some schools in California as well. It might be cool to experience that other part of the west coast. I love Seattle but when am I ever going to get a chance to possibly do something huge? I'm still a bit torn about the whole thing but at least there are no more attachments to worry about anymore. My real friends will always be my friends.
I haven't talked to, facebooked, emailed, or texted Cole since Friday night. We had this poking war going on for awhile (pretty much since we've known each other) via facebook but I removed the poke chain. I know that I'm testing him and that I could be acting ridiculous, but there always are reasons to the things I do. I'm not going to be the one to contact him first. Childish? Probably.
Sometimes, I think back to that phone call argument where he said I was "acting like his ex" and that he "doesn't want to feel these emotions" adding that he could be at home hanging out with me instead of seeing his friend who he hasn't seen in a long time "which is so much more important" (that's a fucking kick to the groin, right there) and followed it with saying he didn't want that night to be a problem and that he didn't want to have to fight for me the next day. When I tried asking why then had he gotten mad at me when I told him I had been dating Kenny he interrupted with that he didn't want to do this right now, he didn't want to feel like this right now. He has this way of trying to make things my fault when he fucks up. God, I remember back to all of that and the responses just harden my heart. Yeah, so a few minutes ago I was sad but replaying all of that just helps me hate. The night started with lies hidden in texts and ended with me full of hurt and anger.
I saw him the following Monday night and then him leaving on Tuesday for work. Then again I saw him Friday night. Shit, if that night wasn't everything coming out all at once. I had just gotten off work when he asked if I wanted to come up to Madison Pub. I did, and met up with him and some of his friends but I was completely sober. I hate being in bar environments while being sober and what only made it worse was Cole teasing me along with this other guy who happened to share my name. I had completely judged the other guy to be something other than what he was. I honestly didn't expect him to antagonize me with Cole. Maybe I was wrong about who he is or, which is probably more likely, he saw an opportunity to get back at someone who apparently had Cole's attention. I think it was a bit obvious that the other Josh was there to see Cole as much as I was.
Rational thinking was no longer possible for me that night. I had a shot, a drink, and then it was all downhill. I haven't been eating much lately and the alcohol just destroyed my control. I got hit on by a bunch of guys at the Cuff, which we went to after Mad Pub, and I just wanted to be like "Cole! Do you see? Do you see? And all I want is you." But I didn't. I drunkenly encouraged the other guys even though I had no intention of ever seeing any of them ever again. We left to get food and while he bought us pitas I bought us pizza. We met back up at the pizza place we go to after the bars and walked home. We ate pizza along the way and he eventually told me he had been seeing someone from his past, someone who is apparently bad for him.
I immediately thought it was his ex (or possibly that person who he had been hanging out with when he ditched me) and I just flipped my shit. I remember ranting and raving and causing a scene like I always try to avoid: loud drunken nonsensical obscenities. During part of it, I remember him telling me to do something and then get back to him when I had done it. For the life of me I can't remember what the condition was but I do remember watching him walk away and all I could do was watch him go (sounds dramatic, eh? Yay for being gay).
He stopped, like I hoped he would, and said "JDK". Before I knew it I was crossing the street to him. I stayed the night with him and left on Saturday morning to go to work. I had finally returned everything of his to him. I had been awake for awhile before I left and had done a lot of thinking. I'm selfish, I guess, because I decided that I didn't want to be second best or occasionally first. It was either me or whoever he was seeing. Or at least, if he was going to see past person then he can see anyone he wants, besides me. I know that it's a bit hypocritical of me to make that declaration since I had gone on a few dates with a soccer teammate while Cole and I were hanging out but this is the way I was feeling. I think if the situations had been reversed and he told me he had gone on a few dates with someone from his soccer team, I would have kicked him out of my apartment a long time ago.
I told Cole in the beginning what I was looking for. He also told me that he thought he was going to break my heart. He was right. But I can't help but wonder if I hadn't also broken his sometime during us as well. Maybe I did. I probably won't ever know.
He's definitely the Cal and I thought that I could be the Pell, but it's becoming more and more obvious that I'm just the Panthera.
Writing is so therapeutic. This has probably helped me clear my head for two days at the most, then I will have to deal with being down all over again, but at least by then more time will have passed.
They say that time heals everything.
I've only gone after the University of Washington's graduate Physical Therapy program right now but I am taking a few peeks at some schools in California as well. It might be cool to experience that other part of the west coast. I love Seattle but when am I ever going to get a chance to possibly do something huge? I'm still a bit torn about the whole thing but at least there are no more attachments to worry about anymore. My real friends will always be my friends.
I haven't talked to, facebooked, emailed, or texted Cole since Friday night. We had this poking war going on for awhile (pretty much since we've known each other) via facebook but I removed the poke chain. I know that I'm testing him and that I could be acting ridiculous, but there always are reasons to the things I do. I'm not going to be the one to contact him first. Childish? Probably.
Sometimes, I think back to that phone call argument where he said I was "acting like his ex" and that he "doesn't want to feel these emotions" adding that he could be at home hanging out with me instead of seeing his friend who he hasn't seen in a long time "which is so much more important" (that's a fucking kick to the groin, right there) and followed it with saying he didn't want that night to be a problem and that he didn't want to have to fight for me the next day. When I tried asking why then had he gotten mad at me when I told him I had been dating Kenny he interrupted with that he didn't want to do this right now, he didn't want to feel like this right now. He has this way of trying to make things my fault when he fucks up. God, I remember back to all of that and the responses just harden my heart. Yeah, so a few minutes ago I was sad but replaying all of that just helps me hate. The night started with lies hidden in texts and ended with me full of hurt and anger.
I saw him the following Monday night and then him leaving on Tuesday for work. Then again I saw him Friday night. Shit, if that night wasn't everything coming out all at once. I had just gotten off work when he asked if I wanted to come up to Madison Pub. I did, and met up with him and some of his friends but I was completely sober. I hate being in bar environments while being sober and what only made it worse was Cole teasing me along with this other guy who happened to share my name. I had completely judged the other guy to be something other than what he was. I honestly didn't expect him to antagonize me with Cole. Maybe I was wrong about who he is or, which is probably more likely, he saw an opportunity to get back at someone who apparently had Cole's attention. I think it was a bit obvious that the other Josh was there to see Cole as much as I was.
Rational thinking was no longer possible for me that night. I had a shot, a drink, and then it was all downhill. I haven't been eating much lately and the alcohol just destroyed my control. I got hit on by a bunch of guys at the Cuff, which we went to after Mad Pub, and I just wanted to be like "Cole! Do you see? Do you see? And all I want is you." But I didn't. I drunkenly encouraged the other guys even though I had no intention of ever seeing any of them ever again. We left to get food and while he bought us pitas I bought us pizza. We met back up at the pizza place we go to after the bars and walked home. We ate pizza along the way and he eventually told me he had been seeing someone from his past, someone who is apparently bad for him.
I immediately thought it was his ex (or possibly that person who he had been hanging out with when he ditched me) and I just flipped my shit. I remember ranting and raving and causing a scene like I always try to avoid: loud drunken nonsensical obscenities. During part of it, I remember him telling me to do something and then get back to him when I had done it. For the life of me I can't remember what the condition was but I do remember watching him walk away and all I could do was watch him go (sounds dramatic, eh? Yay for being gay).
He stopped, like I hoped he would, and said "JDK". Before I knew it I was crossing the street to him. I stayed the night with him and left on Saturday morning to go to work. I had finally returned everything of his to him. I had been awake for awhile before I left and had done a lot of thinking. I'm selfish, I guess, because I decided that I didn't want to be second best or occasionally first. It was either me or whoever he was seeing. Or at least, if he was going to see past person then he can see anyone he wants, besides me. I know that it's a bit hypocritical of me to make that declaration since I had gone on a few dates with a soccer teammate while Cole and I were hanging out but this is the way I was feeling. I think if the situations had been reversed and he told me he had gone on a few dates with someone from his soccer team, I would have kicked him out of my apartment a long time ago.
I told Cole in the beginning what I was looking for. He also told me that he thought he was going to break my heart. He was right. But I can't help but wonder if I hadn't also broken his sometime during us as well. Maybe I did. I probably won't ever know.
He's definitely the Cal and I thought that I could be the Pell, but it's becoming more and more obvious that I'm just the Panthera.
Writing is so therapeutic. This has probably helped me clear my head for two days at the most, then I will have to deal with being down all over again, but at least by then more time will have passed.
They say that time heals everything.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Cleaning House
Ever get to that point where you know something has to change or you are going to spiral into worthlessness?
Yeah, that's been me for about two weeks now.
This feeling isn't a new one to me. I've been through periods before where I just get overwhelmed with life and the uncertainties of the future and think that there is nothing but failure and sadness down the road. Often, I try to escape these feelings and emotions with the bottle; my old best friend: alcohol. I would liquor it up for a good deal of days and then be pulled out of my rut by my own disgust in myself. Most of my life isn't spent in these bipolar swings of emotions. Most of the time I am carefree and happy, even childlike.
I've only had two episodes in my lifetime where things got out of hand. Once, I was stopped from making the most selfish decision I have ever made by the one and only DZ Dollaz: Dan Zwilling. I don't like to talk, or hell, even write, about it as I think it makes me look pitiful and weak but I think that admission helps explain why he is such an important person in my life and probably always will be. The other time, my cure took the form of taking the first real steps towards making a dream into reality: leaving the Midwest.
Lately, I have been forced to face the onset of another bad experience (mood, depression, despair... whatever) without the old friend, booze. Mainly because of monetary reasons (I am completely broke, like, the actual definition of the word "bankrupt" has a picture of me next to it) has kept me away from drinking. Waiting for the bus to go to one of my jobs has me often watching other individuals, who I am assuming are poverty stricken, drinking and talking to themselves and I wonder how close to that state am I. Will I fall that far? I beg not to and set my mind not to but sometimes I can't escape how similar I am to them.
I'm not an alcoholic and, hopefully, will never become one. It's true that my family has a history of alcohol abuse but I have always believed that it was something that my current generation had the ability to avoid.
Hah, late at night when I'm alone I always start thinking about the string of bad luck I've had with meeting (how can I put this without coming off as shallow or some word that will express what I don't want this to be read as?) guys who last. Art has nearly faded away as I think our last exchange in person may very well have been the last ever, Michael is definitely a thing of the past, Jonathan is as well, Kris was like a blip in the radar, I ran over Dustin, Patrick has this little bit of lingering taint - most likely just because he is fucking around with one of the guys on my soccer team and I still haven't appeased the vengeance side of me in regards to him, Kenny is also already beginning to fade away, Cole is something else right now entirely.
I had been hanging out with Cole for, I think, almost two months now? I know if I really want the date, all I need to do is find out when my friend, Jennifer, came to Seattle as he and I met the day before. Even while I had been going on a few random dates with Kenny I had been doing much more with Cole. I think that a part of us was ruined by me (it seems as if everything I touch I ruin!) when I let him know that I had been going on dates with someone from my team and that I just wanted us to be friends. I didn't stick to just the friends part like I either should or should not have. Something that we talked about was that Cole might have started wanting to be around me more just because he knew I was becoming unattainable or just something he couldn't have. Now that Kenny and I are no longer doing anything, it seems like things have shifted back into what they were before where I was always following Cole around letting him control the next time we see each other and that my being around was just a little novelty and not anything really of importance to him. Do I need to say that someone else is trying to get into my pants to get him to like me again? Is that even right?
And in any event, I was the one that just wanted to be friends right? Why then, do I get jealous when I think other guys are hitting on him or if he goes away for awhile and I can't help but think he has met someone else or hooked up with someone else and that eventually I will be asked to "just be friends" and he will really mean it. Do I have the right at all to want more?
I have been around the block, unfortunately, so I am not new to the relationships that men like us have.
I'm just so tired of a lot of it. I feel old trapped in a twenty-something body with the maturity of a thirteen year old.
I've dramatically increased my activity level to cope with my down state as of late. Well, there was no money for alcohol so I had to do something!
My outlook took a turn today when I received monetary help from my step dad and mom. I can now afford food! Who would have thought. I won't lie and say I didn't consider going out tonight, or sometime soon, to celebrate, but I squashed that line of thinking when I realized that I was only perpetuating the cycle.
I have been telling myself that I just need to focus on the future. I, honestly, am in the best position ever to get myself into graduate school and I even have the motivation to make it happen. All of which I lacked when I graduated undergrad.
I have always told myself that I don't need anyone and that in the end, I will only have myself. If that's true, then I will have failed at one of the most meaningful things in life: finding friends to share living with.
Maybe not everyone has someone they are meant to be with, and maybe I'm just one of those someones.
Yeah, that's been me for about two weeks now.
This feeling isn't a new one to me. I've been through periods before where I just get overwhelmed with life and the uncertainties of the future and think that there is nothing but failure and sadness down the road. Often, I try to escape these feelings and emotions with the bottle; my old best friend: alcohol. I would liquor it up for a good deal of days and then be pulled out of my rut by my own disgust in myself. Most of my life isn't spent in these bipolar swings of emotions. Most of the time I am carefree and happy, even childlike.
I've only had two episodes in my lifetime where things got out of hand. Once, I was stopped from making the most selfish decision I have ever made by the one and only DZ Dollaz: Dan Zwilling. I don't like to talk, or hell, even write, about it as I think it makes me look pitiful and weak but I think that admission helps explain why he is such an important person in my life and probably always will be. The other time, my cure took the form of taking the first real steps towards making a dream into reality: leaving the Midwest.
Lately, I have been forced to face the onset of another bad experience (mood, depression, despair... whatever) without the old friend, booze. Mainly because of monetary reasons (I am completely broke, like, the actual definition of the word "bankrupt" has a picture of me next to it) has kept me away from drinking. Waiting for the bus to go to one of my jobs has me often watching other individuals, who I am assuming are poverty stricken, drinking and talking to themselves and I wonder how close to that state am I. Will I fall that far? I beg not to and set my mind not to but sometimes I can't escape how similar I am to them.
I'm not an alcoholic and, hopefully, will never become one. It's true that my family has a history of alcohol abuse but I have always believed that it was something that my current generation had the ability to avoid.
Hah, late at night when I'm alone I always start thinking about the string of bad luck I've had with meeting (how can I put this without coming off as shallow or some word that will express what I don't want this to be read as?) guys who last. Art has nearly faded away as I think our last exchange in person may very well have been the last ever, Michael is definitely a thing of the past, Jonathan is as well, Kris was like a blip in the radar, I ran over Dustin, Patrick has this little bit of lingering taint - most likely just because he is fucking around with one of the guys on my soccer team and I still haven't appeased the vengeance side of me in regards to him, Kenny is also already beginning to fade away, Cole is something else right now entirely.
I had been hanging out with Cole for, I think, almost two months now? I know if I really want the date, all I need to do is find out when my friend, Jennifer, came to Seattle as he and I met the day before. Even while I had been going on a few random dates with Kenny I had been doing much more with Cole. I think that a part of us was ruined by me (it seems as if everything I touch I ruin!) when I let him know that I had been going on dates with someone from my team and that I just wanted us to be friends. I didn't stick to just the friends part like I either should or should not have. Something that we talked about was that Cole might have started wanting to be around me more just because he knew I was becoming unattainable or just something he couldn't have. Now that Kenny and I are no longer doing anything, it seems like things have shifted back into what they were before where I was always following Cole around letting him control the next time we see each other and that my being around was just a little novelty and not anything really of importance to him. Do I need to say that someone else is trying to get into my pants to get him to like me again? Is that even right?
And in any event, I was the one that just wanted to be friends right? Why then, do I get jealous when I think other guys are hitting on him or if he goes away for awhile and I can't help but think he has met someone else or hooked up with someone else and that eventually I will be asked to "just be friends" and he will really mean it. Do I have the right at all to want more?
I have been around the block, unfortunately, so I am not new to the relationships that men like us have.
I'm just so tired of a lot of it. I feel old trapped in a twenty-something body with the maturity of a thirteen year old.
I've dramatically increased my activity level to cope with my down state as of late. Well, there was no money for alcohol so I had to do something!
My outlook took a turn today when I received monetary help from my step dad and mom. I can now afford food! Who would have thought. I won't lie and say I didn't consider going out tonight, or sometime soon, to celebrate, but I squashed that line of thinking when I realized that I was only perpetuating the cycle.
I have been telling myself that I just need to focus on the future. I, honestly, am in the best position ever to get myself into graduate school and I even have the motivation to make it happen. All of which I lacked when I graduated undergrad.
I have always told myself that I don't need anyone and that in the end, I will only have myself. If that's true, then I will have failed at one of the most meaningful things in life: finding friends to share living with.
Maybe not everyone has someone they are meant to be with, and maybe I'm just one of those someones.
Friday, September 05, 2008
One Year
As of August 27th, 2008, I have officially lived in Seattle for one year.
I'd be lying if I said I was the same person that I was when I left Columbia. So many things about myself have changed (and I don't really feel the need to lay them out here as you can get a pretty accurate measure of what has changed about me just by reading my blog).
As of now, I feel like I'm floundering when I should be feeling like a million bucks.
I finally landed an internship that is designed to get me into grad school and I even get paid for it! The setbacks: low hours, and really, right now all I am doing is insurance crap for athletes.
Maybe it's just my mood (why aren't the endorphins kicking in!?) and maybe today isn't a good day to write this entry even though I've been putting this off for awhile.
What is a fact, though, is that I love living in the city. I don't see myself going anywhere else anytime soon even if my "floundering" feelings tend to give me wanderlust or homesickness.
I am where I'm supposed to be and although I'm poor as shit (especially right now) I know that things are on the up and up.
I just got to figure out how to make things happen.
And I think I need some M&Ms.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Whewwww
It's been forever since I have written on this thing. I've been busy. Or, uhh, not so much busy, but having a lot of fun doing anything and everything.
I'm not ready for putting my thoughts into words yet, but I should be soon.
However, I do have an interesting little story:
This past weekend seemed like the weekend of birthday parties. I went to two, each on a different night. The Saturday night party had something totally weird happen.
The party was for a guy I worked and lived with who I met at City Year. He is staying on to do another year of service and lives with a bunch of girls who are pretty good friends of mine. I went because it was starting early enough to be a good pre-party location before going out for the night. The fella and I aren't really that close of friends, but I do love the girls I know that he lives with now. I also suspected to know a lot of the other guests who were going to show up.
The theme for this party was circus. I didn't dress up, but there were plenty of bearded ladies, genies, tigers, tiger trainers, carnies, etc... I was one of the few lames not in costume. But I was full of booze! So I feel I made up for my lack of cool clothes. I also, for once, brought alcohol to share. Yeah, I'm a cheap ass.
Part way through the night, I am sitting on the front porch reminiscing, making fun of, and laughing at plenty of people/things/nouns when we notice this guy coming across the street. He's clearly already trashed. He introduces himself and starts going on about the party and asking if it's a private one. Everything about him reminds me of home. He is completely like the guys I grew up with and even a lot of the guys I would hang out every once and awhile in college (not my close friends, more like Dan's friends).
I start by giving him shit. He takes it like a man, which gains some respect from me because I can be pretty... umm... obnoxious when I'm drunk and feel like my territory is being invaded (yeah, I know, this isn't even my house, but damn if I'm acting like it is). He has a beer with him and sits down on the steps while the harassment continues. By this time, I'm the only one harassing him. A friend, Sarai is sitting with us and there are a few of our other friends behind us in their own conversations. A girl we don't know comes over not too long after he sits down.
Turns out, she's his wife. He doesn't believe in wearing his wedding ring. They are 25. He's in the Army. They are visiting friends who live right across the street and he has a habit of running off when he's drunk.
I no longer care if he's there anymore. He seems harmless enough, so I start talking to his wife. Somehow (probably me being who I am and asking really inappropriate things), I find out that she and her hair dresser are questioning his sexuality.
Yeah, I was totally rethinking his level of welcomness to the party. As in, come, have my alcohol. I'm not going to lie, dudes in uniform are hot.
I can tell that his wife is ready to go home and she tries to get this guy to come with her (I feel so Don't Ask Don't Tell so his name isn't even going to be on here) but he completely shuts her down. She leaves in a huff.
By this time. I am sitting on his right down a step and Sarai is sitting on his left up a step from him. No one else is paying any attention to us anymore, he's just some guy who decided to come to our party. There were plenty of other guests there that weren't known by everyone.
Army guy asks me if he's cock blocking me from Sarai. We both laugh at him and I let him know that I'm gay. He's like, "really? No way." "Way." He then lets me know that he never would have guessed and that he's cool with me as long as I don't hit on him. I thank him for the compliment and tell him he has nothing to worry about me hitting on his ass and we continue doing what we were doing, plus one thing: his leg is suddenly flush against mine although Sarai is doing most of the talking and we are looking in her direction. I'm thinking is Army guy hitting on me? WTF mate? and I test things a little by sliding my leg a little bit away from him. Sure enough, his leg is right back up against mine within seconds.
After a while, we go back into the house to get some more alcohol. Sarai is talking to her boo while Army guy and I are cruising the house looking for everyone. I am grabbing a beer out of the living room when my friend Katie comes up to me and tells me that Army guy just told everyone in the kitchen that I'm his buddy and that he'd fuck me if I wasn't gay.
Hahaha
He comes out of the kitchen a minute or two later and we go back outside. He wants to go back to his apartment and get some more alcohol and wants me to go with him. I tell him that's probably not a good idea and he says that there's no one there so no one will even know if we go there. I ask him where his wife went and he says that he doesn't know but she didn't go there.
Well, we go across the street to the apartment. I know I know, dangerous. But danger was the last thing on my mind. And really, besides him not being able to feel pain, I knew I was way more sober than him and no amount of combat training was going to save his ass if he tried to pull something on me. Just a statement of fact (go Krav Maga, bitches). He makes this strong mojito complete with the leafy things (minus being ground up) and gives it to me. We take a shot of something (Hot Damn maybe? I can't remember). And the night starts to go south.
While we were at the house, nothing really happened. There was no action like there would be in any porno that may have started off the same way as this. The most that happened was the completely unrequired amount of body brushes and sides touching that was going on while shot taking and making drinks and exploring the apartment.
We eventually head back to the party where I start dancing with another friend of mine, Tai. I think we were showing off, but I can't remember to whom. During this time was when things started going down hill with Army guy and everyone else at the party. Most of the people left had all moved into one of the bedrooms and he was apparently crashing the entire thing. When I finally went in search of him, people were pissed and he was no longer allowed to stay.
We all go outside and he acts like he is going away but really just hides in some trees at the house next door. He can totally be seen. He eventually crosses the street, picks up a "Sidewalk Closed" sign, and comes back to where I'm sitting on this concrete wall in front of the house. He puts down the sign and sits right next to me. He wants to go back into the party but I tell him that's a bad idea. He asks if he's an asshole and if he ruined things. I tell him that I have no idea what he did but people don't want him back in the house so I wasn't going to let him go back in. Eventually, I notice that some of my friends are sitting on the steps behind us. He must have noticed too because he says that we should go back to the apartment. I can see people's reflections moving in the windows of the apartment now so I know that people are home. I tell him that he should go but I'm staying. I give him the mojito cup and tell him to go home to his wife.
He then asks me something very not married like:
"Will you come back with me and have sex with me and my wife?"
Uhh? I tell him that married people aren't supposed to be doing that and he says that the Army has the highest percentages of divorce and also, this is where he gets very serious, that his wife can handle us both: "she likes cock."
Apparently someone else does too, Army guy... you.
He stands up and starts pulling on my arm to get me to go back with him. I offer to take him home, but that's it. I take him as far as the steps. He goes up, I stay at the bottom and he stops at the top and asks me if I've ever seen this movie (I can't remember the name - alcohol ate it out of my memory) and starts babbling about something else. The door to the apartment opens and two other guys come out. I'm now looking up at three guys, two new ones on either side of Army guy. One is his brother and the other is the owner of the apartment. They ask if I've been babysitting him all night and I say that my friends and I have at out party across the street. He then tells them he wants to go back but I say that's not a good idea and remind him about how he's not liked over there. He asks again if he's an asshole and I say "Looks that way." The other guys thank me again and take him inside.
I go back, grab some cold chicken, and sit on the porch to eat. Wouldn't you know it but I see the apartment door open and here comes Army guy running down the steps wearing a baseball cap now. He comes up and stops on the steps and starts talking to me. Asking me if he can come in and stay with me. I tell him that I don't live here and he can't come in. He asks where I live and I tell him the general area. Before anything else can be done Tai and Katie come outside and he says "I guess I'll be going then. Do you know where Dante's is?" We give him directions, he wanders off drunkenly, and that was it. Haven't heard or seen him since.
I stay with the girls a little longer and then walk home. I don't live terribly far from them, but it's a hike nonetheless.
Along the way, I replay everything that happened. I wondered why the hell I was so interested in this guy because besides the fact that he initiated and encouraged everything, I was positively responsive. I could have completely shot him down and made his life hell, but I didn't. Thinking back, I can only attribute my actions to three things: Alcohol, the fact that he reminded me of home, and his obvious no questions asked need to be around me. I respond to things like that (yay growing up in broken homes!).
It would have never worked (hello, the fucker was married!) despite the uniform. I had something going on the next day that is something that can work (something that I hope does) and is much much more healthy for me.
Army guy is probably gone, but the lesson isn't. It's all just a part of growing up and finding out who I am.
That being said, I feel more clarity and closure regarding the entire thing. I need these types of things. I write out what I feel, observe, witness, experience, and explore. That doesn't mean I can't converse, but I prefer to have the hard copy.
And that's just cool with me.
I'm not ready for putting my thoughts into words yet, but I should be soon.
However, I do have an interesting little story:
This past weekend seemed like the weekend of birthday parties. I went to two, each on a different night. The Saturday night party had something totally weird happen.
The party was for a guy I worked and lived with who I met at City Year. He is staying on to do another year of service and lives with a bunch of girls who are pretty good friends of mine. I went because it was starting early enough to be a good pre-party location before going out for the night. The fella and I aren't really that close of friends, but I do love the girls I know that he lives with now. I also suspected to know a lot of the other guests who were going to show up.
The theme for this party was circus. I didn't dress up, but there were plenty of bearded ladies, genies, tigers, tiger trainers, carnies, etc... I was one of the few lames not in costume. But I was full of booze! So I feel I made up for my lack of cool clothes. I also, for once, brought alcohol to share. Yeah, I'm a cheap ass.
Part way through the night, I am sitting on the front porch reminiscing, making fun of, and laughing at plenty of people/things/nouns when we notice this guy coming across the street. He's clearly already trashed. He introduces himself and starts going on about the party and asking if it's a private one. Everything about him reminds me of home. He is completely like the guys I grew up with and even a lot of the guys I would hang out every once and awhile in college (not my close friends, more like Dan's friends).
I start by giving him shit. He takes it like a man, which gains some respect from me because I can be pretty... umm... obnoxious when I'm drunk and feel like my territory is being invaded (yeah, I know, this isn't even my house, but damn if I'm acting like it is). He has a beer with him and sits down on the steps while the harassment continues. By this time, I'm the only one harassing him. A friend, Sarai is sitting with us and there are a few of our other friends behind us in their own conversations. A girl we don't know comes over not too long after he sits down.
Turns out, she's his wife. He doesn't believe in wearing his wedding ring. They are 25. He's in the Army. They are visiting friends who live right across the street and he has a habit of running off when he's drunk.
I no longer care if he's there anymore. He seems harmless enough, so I start talking to his wife. Somehow (probably me being who I am and asking really inappropriate things), I find out that she and her hair dresser are questioning his sexuality.
Yeah, I was totally rethinking his level of welcomness to the party. As in, come, have my alcohol. I'm not going to lie, dudes in uniform are hot.
I can tell that his wife is ready to go home and she tries to get this guy to come with her (I feel so Don't Ask Don't Tell so his name isn't even going to be on here) but he completely shuts her down. She leaves in a huff.
By this time. I am sitting on his right down a step and Sarai is sitting on his left up a step from him. No one else is paying any attention to us anymore, he's just some guy who decided to come to our party. There were plenty of other guests there that weren't known by everyone.
Army guy asks me if he's cock blocking me from Sarai. We both laugh at him and I let him know that I'm gay. He's like, "really? No way." "Way." He then lets me know that he never would have guessed and that he's cool with me as long as I don't hit on him. I thank him for the compliment and tell him he has nothing to worry about me hitting on his ass and we continue doing what we were doing, plus one thing: his leg is suddenly flush against mine although Sarai is doing most of the talking and we are looking in her direction. I'm thinking is Army guy hitting on me? WTF mate? and I test things a little by sliding my leg a little bit away from him. Sure enough, his leg is right back up against mine within seconds.
After a while, we go back into the house to get some more alcohol. Sarai is talking to her boo while Army guy and I are cruising the house looking for everyone. I am grabbing a beer out of the living room when my friend Katie comes up to me and tells me that Army guy just told everyone in the kitchen that I'm his buddy and that he'd fuck me if I wasn't gay.
Hahaha
He comes out of the kitchen a minute or two later and we go back outside. He wants to go back to his apartment and get some more alcohol and wants me to go with him. I tell him that's probably not a good idea and he says that there's no one there so no one will even know if we go there. I ask him where his wife went and he says that he doesn't know but she didn't go there.
Well, we go across the street to the apartment. I know I know, dangerous. But danger was the last thing on my mind. And really, besides him not being able to feel pain, I knew I was way more sober than him and no amount of combat training was going to save his ass if he tried to pull something on me. Just a statement of fact (go Krav Maga, bitches). He makes this strong mojito complete with the leafy things (minus being ground up) and gives it to me. We take a shot of something (Hot Damn maybe? I can't remember). And the night starts to go south.
While we were at the house, nothing really happened. There was no action like there would be in any porno that may have started off the same way as this. The most that happened was the completely unrequired amount of body brushes and sides touching that was going on while shot taking and making drinks and exploring the apartment.
We eventually head back to the party where I start dancing with another friend of mine, Tai. I think we were showing off, but I can't remember to whom. During this time was when things started going down hill with Army guy and everyone else at the party. Most of the people left had all moved into one of the bedrooms and he was apparently crashing the entire thing. When I finally went in search of him, people were pissed and he was no longer allowed to stay.
We all go outside and he acts like he is going away but really just hides in some trees at the house next door. He can totally be seen. He eventually crosses the street, picks up a "Sidewalk Closed" sign, and comes back to where I'm sitting on this concrete wall in front of the house. He puts down the sign and sits right next to me. He wants to go back into the party but I tell him that's a bad idea. He asks if he's an asshole and if he ruined things. I tell him that I have no idea what he did but people don't want him back in the house so I wasn't going to let him go back in. Eventually, I notice that some of my friends are sitting on the steps behind us. He must have noticed too because he says that we should go back to the apartment. I can see people's reflections moving in the windows of the apartment now so I know that people are home. I tell him that he should go but I'm staying. I give him the mojito cup and tell him to go home to his wife.
He then asks me something very not married like:
"Will you come back with me and have sex with me and my wife?"
Uhh? I tell him that married people aren't supposed to be doing that and he says that the Army has the highest percentages of divorce and also, this is where he gets very serious, that his wife can handle us both: "she likes cock."
Apparently someone else does too, Army guy... you.
He stands up and starts pulling on my arm to get me to go back with him. I offer to take him home, but that's it. I take him as far as the steps. He goes up, I stay at the bottom and he stops at the top and asks me if I've ever seen this movie (I can't remember the name - alcohol ate it out of my memory) and starts babbling about something else. The door to the apartment opens and two other guys come out. I'm now looking up at three guys, two new ones on either side of Army guy. One is his brother and the other is the owner of the apartment. They ask if I've been babysitting him all night and I say that my friends and I have at out party across the street. He then tells them he wants to go back but I say that's not a good idea and remind him about how he's not liked over there. He asks again if he's an asshole and I say "Looks that way." The other guys thank me again and take him inside.
I go back, grab some cold chicken, and sit on the porch to eat. Wouldn't you know it but I see the apartment door open and here comes Army guy running down the steps wearing a baseball cap now. He comes up and stops on the steps and starts talking to me. Asking me if he can come in and stay with me. I tell him that I don't live here and he can't come in. He asks where I live and I tell him the general area. Before anything else can be done Tai and Katie come outside and he says "I guess I'll be going then. Do you know where Dante's is?" We give him directions, he wanders off drunkenly, and that was it. Haven't heard or seen him since.
I stay with the girls a little longer and then walk home. I don't live terribly far from them, but it's a hike nonetheless.
Along the way, I replay everything that happened. I wondered why the hell I was so interested in this guy because besides the fact that he initiated and encouraged everything, I was positively responsive. I could have completely shot him down and made his life hell, but I didn't. Thinking back, I can only attribute my actions to three things: Alcohol, the fact that he reminded me of home, and his obvious no questions asked need to be around me. I respond to things like that (yay growing up in broken homes!).
It would have never worked (hello, the fucker was married!) despite the uniform. I had something going on the next day that is something that can work (something that I hope does) and is much much more healthy for me.
Army guy is probably gone, but the lesson isn't. It's all just a part of growing up and finding out who I am.
That being said, I feel more clarity and closure regarding the entire thing. I need these types of things. I write out what I feel, observe, witness, experience, and explore. That doesn't mean I can't converse, but I prefer to have the hard copy.
And that's just cool with me.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Go back Ireland!
"Go back to Ireland!"
Some man today yelled this at me while I was walking past him with my friend from college, Jennifer, and her friend from grad school, Nathan.Uhh... haha
I felt like I should have been mad, but I totally wasn't. I had to do a double take just to finalize the thought that he meant me.
I mean really... I'm not even Irish!
Yeah, so my hair is a little red. Okay, that's a lie, I'm pretty much a redhead, but I'm not Irish! I'm German and Polish, estúpido.
It's kind of funny now that I'm looking back on the entire experience and I'm definitely surprised that I didn't get mad and cause a scene.
Who knows, maybe I really am growing up!
PS - life has been awesome lately. More to come later!
Thursday, July 03, 2008
What's that? Pride? WTF Mate.
So, I've never been to a Pride event before in my entire life. This past weekend was Pride in Seattle and initially I had absolutely no desire to go to any of the events. I always though "why do gay people need a holiday for themselves? I'm fine with being a gay man and not having to shove it in everyone's faces during some huge event."
Holy shit! What was I thinking?
I had to work Sunday morning during the parade. So many people called out that I ended up getting asked to stay later. The managers helped me out earlier that morning in a situation where I was either going to be extremely late or come in to work wearing non-Gap-appropriate clothes and looking like hell. They chose to have me come in and get myself fixed up (shit, the night before was a once in a lifetime experience but oh so awesome). So, when they asked if I could stay, I said that I would. I was only planning on going to the Seattle Center and catch up with some of my friends but didn't really mind missing the parade.
Throughout the day, I could see some of the festivities from the second floor balcony at our store. While I watched, I realized how much I really did want to be a part of all of that. Who knows, maybe because I was amazed at the show of support, all of the cool floats, or just even being able to be around other people who don't care what my sexual preference is (yeah, Mid-MO still lingers in my veins).
I had to ask my managers if Pride was something that happened every year, and thankfully, they said it did.
Next year, I'm not going to miss it. I'm not just going to hit up the nightlife, but also the day events.
If you want to come with, just give me a buzz.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)