Living is all I have been doing.
City Year is coming to a close. We have about six weeks or so left until we officially graduate and I am so very ready. I am most definitely glad for choosing to do City Year, but I am also so very worn out with it all. My boss has been trying very hard to get me to come back as a Service Leader for my team but I don't think I am going to do it. I would still really love to be involved with the kids on Saturdays as an outside adult volunteer but I don't want to do the day-to-day of City Year anymore. Being a Service Leader would only add to all of the stress I had as a corps member.
Gap is going fine as well. They are going to move back into doing both stock and floor sales instead of just doing stock like I have been doing for months now. I will be very happy when that change is made. Taylor no longer works there. She was my in for getting my second job and now she is gone. It's a very different place without her as a constant. Luckily, she still works at City Year and is planning on staying in Seattle after we are done, like I am planning, so we still see each other. She also just works at Banana Republic up the street, so I could easily go see her before my shift at the Gap sometime.
Patrick is also more amazing than ever. Everyday I am finding myself more and more comfortable with this man and I can't wait for us to both have more free time. He gave me a set of his dog tags with his name on them while saying: "This is probably going to be dumb since I'm not in the Army anymore...". But I completely disagree. I think it's probably one of the coolest gifts I have ever been given. And what's even better is that they are a huge reminder of him. Not that I don't already think about him a lot, but now, every time I move a certain way, I can feel the tags, or I can hear them clink and I remember who gave them to me. I honestly can't wait for a chance to have him meet some of the most important people in my life, my friends from Truman.
Friday night we went out with a bunch of Patrick's friends from home and some of his friends that he knows from Seattle. One of the destinations that night was my favorite gay club in Seattle: Rplace. Rplace is a typical gay club in that there is loud music, lots of alcohol, and sometimes even special shows. However, the music played here is almost always hip hop, my definitive favorite music to party to. That night started off like any normal Rplace night. We got drinks on the bottom level and then headed straight up to the top floor for dancing. As soon as I get upstairs I see my ex. I didn't tell Patrick, although he probably knows now since I know he reads my blog, as I don't consider Mike a part of my life anymore. I ignored him until he was being absolutely sure I saw him. I waved and went back to chugging my drink in preparation for braving that dance floor with all of its craziness. While dancing with Patrick and his (hot) friends, I noticed that Mike kept staying near us and watching me. Eventually, he disappeared with some random guy he met on the dance floor (didn't he dump me to be someone else? does this other guy know Mike gets with other guys on the weekends? hah, who knows). However, there was a text on my phone later that night from Mike saying how good I looked and that I didn't know how sorry he was about what happened.
I promptly deleted it.
Patrick is like 100 times, wait, no, more like 1,000 times more of a man than Mike. He's hotter and, more importantly, has one of the best personalities I have ever encountered. He truly is an amazing guy.
Hah, this is looking sappy. But fuck it. I can write whatever I want on my blog.
adios, mis amigos!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Cinco de Mayo...
...was awesome!
Aside from the predictable margaritas and tequila shots in celebration of this holiday, Patrick and I finally made us official.
I don't know about you, but I tend to be on the fence about things unless they are completely stated. Well, you may know that about me considering if you are reading this blog you probably know me personally and therefore you would also know how gullible I am. I need things to be laid out for me to understand.
So, when Patrick and I went on our little lunch picnic, I knew it was time!
This guy is freaking amazing!
I can't wait for when I'm done with City Year and he's done with school so we can spend more time together besides just the weekends. Absolutely-100%-can't wait!
I need to like take Alysse, the girl who made us meet each other at Rplace, out or something because she did a damn fine job.
Oh, PS - I got offered a job for post-City Year.
Aside from the predictable margaritas and tequila shots in celebration of this holiday, Patrick and I finally made us official.
I don't know about you, but I tend to be on the fence about things unless they are completely stated. Well, you may know that about me considering if you are reading this blog you probably know me personally and therefore you would also know how gullible I am. I need things to be laid out for me to understand.
So, when Patrick and I went on our little lunch picnic, I knew it was time!
This guy is freaking amazing!
I can't wait for when I'm done with City Year and he's done with school so we can spend more time together besides just the weekends. Absolutely-100%-can't wait!
I need to like take Alysse, the girl who made us meet each other at Rplace, out or something because she did a damn fine job.
Oh, PS - I got offered a job for post-City Year.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Two Sides to Everything
There are always two sides to absolutely everything. City Year, a non-profit organization that does amazing things for both corps members and kids is also an organization that has internal difficulties. Things that I know are bothering me and a few other people that I work with.
I sent out a pretty extensive email yesterday morning to all of the service leaders and some of the corps members that I genuinely wanted to hear what their opinion was. Below is a copy of the email I sent. I think that it pretty much sums up my feelings regarding City Year in general at the moment and since City Year is consuming my life these days, this email will help portray my current state of mind.
The responses I have received far have ranged from anywhere from complete support to complete disagreement.
Here it is, feel free to give your own feedback if you have any or if you want to say anything at all:
Hey Folks,
I am emailing you because basically I am having a lot of problems justifying not doing City Year for a second year. I would only come back as a Service Leader to Seattle and work with Young Heroes. Other options are really not attractive to me (well, that's a lie, I think I would like Clanci's role). However, I am also ready to move on with my life (I'm freaking 24!).
I have been talking with people a bit and have generated a long list of questions or rambles or whatever you want to call them.
I am emailing you (everyone has been BC-ed) because I am genuinely interested in your opinion regarding an answer to any or all of these inquiries. You really don't have to, but you might be helping me out if you can answer at least some of them. Also, I think it would be hecka hard to talk to everyone in person and still stay on topic.
I honestly don't care about nice-ness. Please be as blunt and honest in your opinion as possible. I also realize that some of you have never been a corps member and I know which of you this applies to but feel free to mark that in any case.
1) How does students loans work with being a Service Leader? I know that right now I receive some sort of deferment with my loans but I still accrue interest because I am not serving a full year. Does this change with the responsibilities of being a Service Leader?
2) Does being a SL give you the chance to cause change? Are your voices heard? Are you listened to by the leadership in CY? Are any actions taken to alleviate concerns of SLs? Have you ever tried to affect change? I knew people in college who left my fraternity because they didn't agree with certain aspects. I never understood why they didn't want to stay and make things different just by being vocal. I am not sure if by not coming back that I would be doing what they are doing. That also being said, are there any systems set in place that allow us to cause change? Right now, I feel like there isn't.
3) If this applies to you, why aren't you coming back as a SL?
4) If this applies to you, why are you coming back?
5) I have used this statement a bit: "Everything I like about City Year I can gain from being a volunteer with Young Heroes on Saturdays." Is this viable if I don't necessarily agree with other aspects of the organization? I love my kids, but I don't really love the day to day stuff.
6) What do you want done differently?
7) Did you experience any personal growth during your term with City Year? Do you think this was a result from being in City Year or was it a coincidence that you also happened to be in City Year at the same time?
8) As far as SL goes, how much difference is there between that and being a CM?
9) If you are not coming back or are completing your maximum amount of years with AmeriCorps, are you planning on staying affiliated with City Year in some way?
10) Gayatri made a statement after Ripples of Hope that really struck a cord with me: "I have never been more of proud of all of you than I am right now." Yeah, we as a corps rocked out at RoH and I definitely understand the necessity to gain sponsors and money for our organization, yet that is secondary to the service. Why isn't service our highest value? Why isn't our leadership (I understand that this is a generalization and that is intended) most proud of us when we are coaching a student through a tough paragraph or teaching a new way to look at a math problem? Why does it seem like the white collar part of City Year valued more than working in the actual trenches?
11) Also during Ripples of Hope, changes were made to certain parts of the PT routine and that's fine. The delivery of the changes was my problem. In the very beginning of City Year we had to do workshops and practice (remember with Cecil?) how to speak to other people without causing conflict. I understand completely that pre-RoH was stressful and that people make mistakes, however, accusatory tones and words were used in presenting changes to the entire corps regarding certain things that were completely unacceptable. Being in a position of leadership comes with added responsibilities. Part of that is treating the people who work with you and under you with respect. How do you feel about the general vibe of corps member treatment within City Year?
12) Something that Charlie spoke of at his little shindig on Friday was that City Year provides experience and growth for both the corps member and the students that corps member works with. Tackling both at the same time is obviously difficult. Should City Year focus on one? Should that be service? Or are all of the other requirements outside of service for the corps members necessary?
13) It appears, at least to me, that sometimes some issues within City Year are more focused on than others. I could also just be biased. We spent a lot of time focusing in on racism above all other issues. So much that the topic was not even something that the average corps member was involved with (the City Heroes and Young Heroes teams do their own curriculum on racism). Where was the unit on homosexuality? Why was so much of our energy spent on racism when domestic violence, substance abuse, hunger and homelessness, etc., are all equally important and equally crippling to parts of this nation?
14) What's the point to Legacy Binders if we never look at them? My team has never been presented with our Legacy Binder from last year. Uh? Why are we making the same mistakes that past teams have made? And then being told that we are making these sames mistakes after the fact? Has this been something other teams have experienced (for whoever this applies to)?
15) Who's officially left City Year? There seems to be a corps member turnover that is glossed over or kept in silence. I know who is no longer in City Year but what happened with letting the rest of us know? Are we not in a position to know? It seems like somewhere between the questions "Who's gone?" and "Who's officially gone?" that the memo of telling everyone else gets lost.
16) What do you think or feel about some sites moving to different locations next year? What do you think will be difficult in this transition?
17) Is it possible to give back outside of City Year? My program manager said that I will be losing out on this opportunity if I don't come back next year. In a sense, this is true as I will be too old to come back if I don't return next year. I absolutely am not done with affecting change societally. Do you think it's viable to cause change outside of an organization that is so directly involved with making things happen?
18) Is it okay to trust the system with the students I work with now? They were okay before me, will they still be okay after me?
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and for all of my life, things have become clear in one direction or another. However, with this, I am so completely stuck in limbo. It's like I need to stop being so fate driven and need to start taking my own direction it sucks.
I know this is hecka long, so feel free in taking your time.
Or deleting the entire email.
Later,
Josh
I sent out a pretty extensive email yesterday morning to all of the service leaders and some of the corps members that I genuinely wanted to hear what their opinion was. Below is a copy of the email I sent. I think that it pretty much sums up my feelings regarding City Year in general at the moment and since City Year is consuming my life these days, this email will help portray my current state of mind.
The responses I have received far have ranged from anywhere from complete support to complete disagreement.
Here it is, feel free to give your own feedback if you have any or if you want to say anything at all:
Hey Folks,
I am emailing you because basically I am having a lot of problems justifying not doing City Year for a second year. I would only come back as a Service Leader to Seattle and work with Young Heroes. Other options are really not attractive to me (well, that's a lie, I think I would like Clanci's role). However, I am also ready to move on with my life (I'm freaking 24!).
I have been talking with people a bit and have generated a long list of questions or rambles or whatever you want to call them.
I am emailing you (everyone has been BC-ed) because I am genuinely interested in your opinion regarding an answer to any or all of these inquiries. You really don't have to, but you might be helping me out if you can answer at least some of them. Also, I think it would be hecka hard to talk to everyone in person and still stay on topic.
I honestly don't care about nice-ness. Please be as blunt and honest in your opinion as possible. I also realize that some of you have never been a corps member and I know which of you this applies to but feel free to mark that in any case.
1) How does students loans work with being a Service Leader? I know that right now I receive some sort of deferment with my loans but I still accrue interest because I am not serving a full year. Does this change with the responsibilities of being a Service Leader?
2) Does being a SL give you the chance to cause change? Are your voices heard? Are you listened to by the leadership in CY? Are any actions taken to alleviate concerns of SLs? Have you ever tried to affect change? I knew people in college who left my fraternity because they didn't agree with certain aspects. I never understood why they didn't want to stay and make things different just by being vocal. I am not sure if by not coming back that I would be doing what they are doing. That also being said, are there any systems set in place that allow us to cause change? Right now, I feel like there isn't.
3) If this applies to you, why aren't you coming back as a SL?
4) If this applies to you, why are you coming back?
5) I have used this statement a bit: "Everything I like about City Year I can gain from being a volunteer with Young Heroes on Saturdays." Is this viable if I don't necessarily agree with other aspects of the organization? I love my kids, but I don't really love the day to day stuff.
6) What do you want done differently?
7) Did you experience any personal growth during your term with City Year? Do you think this was a result from being in City Year or was it a coincidence that you also happened to be in City Year at the same time?
8) As far as SL goes, how much difference is there between that and being a CM?
9) If you are not coming back or are completing your maximum amount of years with AmeriCorps, are you planning on staying affiliated with City Year in some way?
10) Gayatri made a statement after Ripples of Hope that really struck a cord with me: "I have never been more of proud of all of you than I am right now." Yeah, we as a corps rocked out at RoH and I definitely understand the necessity to gain sponsors and money for our organization, yet that is secondary to the service. Why isn't service our highest value? Why isn't our leadership (I understand that this is a generalization and that is intended) most proud of us when we are coaching a student through a tough paragraph or teaching a new way to look at a math problem? Why does it seem like the white collar part of City Year valued more than working in the actual trenches?
11) Also during Ripples of Hope, changes were made to certain parts of the PT routine and that's fine. The delivery of the changes was my problem. In the very beginning of City Year we had to do workshops and practice (remember with Cecil?) how to speak to other people without causing conflict. I understand completely that pre-RoH was stressful and that people make mistakes, however, accusatory tones and words were used in presenting changes to the entire corps regarding certain things that were completely unacceptable. Being in a position of leadership comes with added responsibilities. Part of that is treating the people who work with you and under you with respect. How do you feel about the general vibe of corps member treatment within City Year?
12) Something that Charlie spoke of at his little shindig on Friday was that City Year provides experience and growth for both the corps member and the students that corps member works with. Tackling both at the same time is obviously difficult. Should City Year focus on one? Should that be service? Or are all of the other requirements outside of service for the corps members necessary?
13) It appears, at least to me, that sometimes some issues within City Year are more focused on than others. I could also just be biased. We spent a lot of time focusing in on racism above all other issues. So much that the topic was not even something that the average corps member was involved with (the City Heroes and Young Heroes teams do their own curriculum on racism). Where was the unit on homosexuality? Why was so much of our energy spent on racism when domestic violence, substance abuse, hunger and homelessness, etc., are all equally important and equally crippling to parts of this nation?
14) What's the point to Legacy Binders if we never look at them? My team has never been presented with our Legacy Binder from last year. Uh? Why are we making the same mistakes that past teams have made? And then being told that we are making these sames mistakes after the fact? Has this been something other teams have experienced (for whoever this applies to)?
15) Who's officially left City Year? There seems to be a corps member turnover that is glossed over or kept in silence. I know who is no longer in City Year but what happened with letting the rest of us know? Are we not in a position to know? It seems like somewhere between the questions "Who's gone?" and "Who's officially gone?" that the memo of telling everyone else gets lost.
16) What do you think or feel about some sites moving to different locations next year? What do you think will be difficult in this transition?
17) Is it possible to give back outside of City Year? My program manager said that I will be losing out on this opportunity if I don't come back next year. In a sense, this is true as I will be too old to come back if I don't return next year. I absolutely am not done with affecting change societally. Do you think it's viable to cause change outside of an organization that is so directly involved with making things happen?
18) Is it okay to trust the system with the students I work with now? They were okay before me, will they still be okay after me?
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and for all of my life, things have become clear in one direction or another. However, with this, I am so completely stuck in limbo. It's like I need to stop being so fate driven and need to start taking my own direction it sucks.
I know this is hecka long, so feel free in taking your time.
Or deleting the entire email.
Later,
Josh
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
What is this... "free time"?
Like I wrote earlier, I'm back into the swing of things with all of my Seattle obligations. We are still working on the event called Ripples of Hope which is coming up this Thursday. My part in it has been kept pretty much the same only now I am actually having to act on my role by preparing myself and the rest of the program team.
We've been doing run throughs like crazy and going to a ton of meetings. In fact, yesterday, I finally was able to meet the stars of the evening: Bill and Mimi Gardner Gates.
We did a run through early in the morning with our board member who works for the Gates Foundation at one of the Seattle sites for the foundation and then met the couple for a round table and lunch at the other site. Somehow, I ended up being seated next to Bill and Mimi during our lunch but I didn't need to worry. They are both really cool. I was completely expecting rich snobs but I was completely wrong.
What's more funny is that their aide is from my highschool and graduated two years before I did. I even remember him although I am sure he didn't remember me.
I've been doing a lot more research lately on the foundation itself and I am really impressed. I don't know why I haven't looked into them before. I know that I am really interested in staying active in civic service and I feel like the Bill Gates Foundation could be a huge opportunity for me to appease my newfound desire to make a difference. We'll see how some things pan out. Hopefully, the aide guy, can give me a hand.
My workload at the Gap has also been pretty high lately as well. Part of me is getting really worn down but another part of me knows that I need the money desperately so I am willing to put up with things.
I need a break like crazy but really can't afford to take one.
So, that guy I wrote about in my last post is still around (and it's awesome!). Patrick is amazing and I have been spending every weekend with him. It's a bit rough since he lives about an hour away but the weekends have been great. Everyone that has met him keeps telling me that I have found a keeper and I have definitely not found a reason to disagree!
You know how things just work totally out of the blue? That's how this has been going. I meet him at a club, we go home together, and then things just seem to work out. Now, all I do is work waiting for the weekends.
Fridays have so much more meaning now!
We've been doing run throughs like crazy and going to a ton of meetings. In fact, yesterday, I finally was able to meet the stars of the evening: Bill and Mimi Gardner Gates.
We did a run through early in the morning with our board member who works for the Gates Foundation at one of the Seattle sites for the foundation and then met the couple for a round table and lunch at the other site. Somehow, I ended up being seated next to Bill and Mimi during our lunch but I didn't need to worry. They are both really cool. I was completely expecting rich snobs but I was completely wrong.
What's more funny is that their aide is from my highschool and graduated two years before I did. I even remember him although I am sure he didn't remember me.
I've been doing a lot more research lately on the foundation itself and I am really impressed. I don't know why I haven't looked into them before. I know that I am really interested in staying active in civic service and I feel like the Bill Gates Foundation could be a huge opportunity for me to appease my newfound desire to make a difference. We'll see how some things pan out. Hopefully, the aide guy, can give me a hand.
My workload at the Gap has also been pretty high lately as well. Part of me is getting really worn down but another part of me knows that I need the money desperately so I am willing to put up with things.
I need a break like crazy but really can't afford to take one.
So, that guy I wrote about in my last post is still around (and it's awesome!). Patrick is amazing and I have been spending every weekend with him. It's a bit rough since he lives about an hour away but the weekends have been great. Everyone that has met him keeps telling me that I have found a keeper and I have definitely not found a reason to disagree!
You know how things just work totally out of the blue? That's how this has been going. I meet him at a club, we go home together, and then things just seem to work out. Now, all I do is work waiting for the weekends.
Fridays have so much more meaning now!
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Back Into Things
Last Week
Last week when I got back from Missouri I jumped straight into City Year. Not City Year in the traditional sense, or at least the City Year that I am used to, but instead, City Year in the Camps City Year Version.
Every year, or so I'm told, City Year puts on an entire week long camp for elementary students from Seattle during their spring break. The week provides curriculum, activities, snacks, and a safe place for a lot Seattle's younger students. When I was coming back I thought that I would have that following Monday off of work. However, I ran entire the Executive Director, Gayatri, of City Year on the plane from Minneapolis to Seattle. She brought me the sad news about starting ASAP on Monday morning.
However, Camps was much more than I was anticipating. I was put in charge of facilitating recreation for 3rd through 5th grade students at Camps. Everything was already planned out. All I had to do was make sure I knew what I was doing, that I knew what the students were supposed to be learning during each exercise, and also that I was available when the team leaders in charge of the students needed to have some alone time.
I loved Camps. I loved how different it was from the normal grind of Young Heroes. I liked that I got to spend 4 out of 5 days of Camps outside in the sun and to be active and doing things I considered to be fun.
I got to meet a ton of really cool young people. My favorite of all of the students, however (I totally am not supposed to have favorites - but I do!), was this little 3rd grade boy named Andreas. He was hilarious. He couldn't speak English very well as it was his second language to Spanish but that didn't take away from his funny factor. Tuesday I was leaving by bus from Camps and he and his family happened to be on the same bus. He was sitting more towards the front and would keep looking back and smiling really big at me. I was just smiling back at the beginning but then I decided that I would make faces instead. Andreas just copied the faces I made and would then start laughing hysterically. For the rest of the week he was pretty inseparable from me whenever his team (the Wondrous Wizards) were near by. When he found out that I am on a soccer team he invited me to come watch the "Mexican Team" play soccer but didn't know where or when.
He was definitely one of the highlights of my week with Camps and although now I am sure that Andreas, along with the rest of the students, no longer know who I am, hopefully we made enough of an impact to get them to come back for Camps next year and be in another safe learning environment.
We got a surprise from our boss on the last day of Camps. We were going to have Monday off. And that was without having to work on Saturday! I somehow ended up having a three day weekend without having to work either job! And I would get to play soccer on Sunday! Uhhh, can there be anything more perfect?
The Weekend
I went out that Friday night with some of the girls I work with to a straight bar called Toi in Belltown. This group always has fun when together so the night began pretty great. The girls like to go to this place called Belltown Billiards to end their night. It's a club that involves a lot of straight drunk people getting naughty. I have been there before with them but have always ended up acting as the protector from guys that hit on the girls who the girls don't want to talk to. I think one night I ended being the "boyfriend" of every girl I came with.
What can I say? I'm good at what I do and I get around.
Haha!
Needless to say, I don't really enjoy going to that place. So, if I start the night with these chicas, I typically go my own way when they are ready to head to the good ol' Belltown Billiards. This night, I was determined to go to one of my favorite places in Seattle, Rplace. I love that there is a gay club that actually plays hip hop and not just house or techno. When I went up to the very top floor, I ran into my ex's roommate and my ex's old roommate. These two guys are pretty good friends and are almost always together. Luckily, they both like me, so I wasn't really alone if I didn't want to be.
What these guys failed to tell me, though, was that my ex, Michael, came with them. And one of Michael's other ex's before me. Haha, how funny that conversation went. Michael was trashed, and because of that, was pretty nice and civil - and honest. He kept saying how big of a douche bag he was and how dumb he was. I agreed with all of it and let him know a bit about what I thought about him ditching me the day after Christmas (start playing "Last Christmas" by George Michaels now). He also told me how he made his current guy go out of town for the weekend so he could hang out with his friends and whoever else he wanted to. And that this guy is really annoying. Ugh, people who really like other people and want to be in a relationship with them do not treat others this way. I told Michael that and before he could respond, some drag queen came over and Michael started flirting with her. Or whatever it is he does. I spent the rest of the time they were there talking to Michael's other ex about school and about just turning 21. That group didn't stay much longer though and I was left on my own, just like how I came to Rplace.
It wasn't much longer, though, that I noticed a guy near me dancing with a girl and that the occasional glance came my direction. Eventually the girl approached me and I knew right away that she was trying to soften me up for the guy. She asked me to dance, which is something I love to do and I know that I am alright at doing. Some time while we were dancing the guy started dancing with us and the girl moved out of the way - haha! The guy's name is Patrick (I know you're reading this, haha) and the girl is Alysse. They also came with Patrick's best friend, Toby. After a bit, Toby and Alysse left. Patrick wanted to stay with me and Alysse made me promise to take care of him. I did promise, of course, and I meant it.
I spent a lot of the rest of the weekend with Patrick, Toby, and Alysse, and had a lot of fun doing so. He's coming back up this weekend and I'm pretty excited. I dunno, I don't want to jinx anything, but he's a pretty cool guy. I have a tendency to fall pretty fast and I often set myself up to be burned. I really hope that this isn't the case here.
Since I know he reads this, how embarrassed am I going to be the next time I talk to him? Hahaha. But I guess that's what these types of things are for - getting it all out there.
Changes
My boss took me aside today and sat me down to talk about staying with City Year for another year. He was wanting to talk to me about becoming a Service Leader for City Year for 2008-2009.
This is a point of contention with me. I absolutely love my kids and I absolutely love being with them whenever I get the opportunity, however, I have a lot of problems with the organization as a whole and some of its "culture".
Inclusiveness is not empowered by conformity. Inclusiveness and acceptance are two main focal points for City Year. However, a lot of what we do has to be done or to look a certain way every time. Conforming individuals is not a way to create an environment that accepts everyone. In fact, I would say that conformity breeds exclusion.
There is also absolutely no system set in place for change. One of the facts of life I learned from college is this: "Tradition is the enemy. To be in an environment without constant change is to be stagnant." There needs to be something set in place for corps members and outside volunteers to affect growth and change. City Year is too uniform and it grates on many individuals who identify heavily with their own individualism.
I am also sure that my frustrations with my experience have been partially team based and influenced from outside as well.
We'll see. To be honest, it would be easy for me to stay with City Year and become a Service Leader. I know that I could definitely do what is required. City Year would also provide me with a way to affect positive social change which has become something so huge in my desires to accomplish.
I talked a bit about that with my friends when I went back home to Missouri and it's interesting to compare the person I was and the person I am now. Especially in regards to getting things done. I want people to be accepted regardless of superficial differences and I absolutely understand that people like me can make this happen. I'm torn, between either enjoying the world as it is or really making an effort to change it.
Like I wrote earlier, we'll see. I definitely need to sleep on things and see which way I want to go and which way is best for me to go. In either case, both will present challenges and both are going to be new starts to a lot of things.
Last week when I got back from Missouri I jumped straight into City Year. Not City Year in the traditional sense, or at least the City Year that I am used to, but instead, City Year in the Camps City Year Version.
Every year, or so I'm told, City Year puts on an entire week long camp for elementary students from Seattle during their spring break. The week provides curriculum, activities, snacks, and a safe place for a lot Seattle's younger students. When I was coming back I thought that I would have that following Monday off of work. However, I ran entire the Executive Director, Gayatri, of City Year on the plane from Minneapolis to Seattle. She brought me the sad news about starting ASAP on Monday morning.
However, Camps was much more than I was anticipating. I was put in charge of facilitating recreation for 3rd through 5th grade students at Camps. Everything was already planned out. All I had to do was make sure I knew what I was doing, that I knew what the students were supposed to be learning during each exercise, and also that I was available when the team leaders in charge of the students needed to have some alone time.
I loved Camps. I loved how different it was from the normal grind of Young Heroes. I liked that I got to spend 4 out of 5 days of Camps outside in the sun and to be active and doing things I considered to be fun.
I got to meet a ton of really cool young people. My favorite of all of the students, however (I totally am not supposed to have favorites - but I do!), was this little 3rd grade boy named Andreas. He was hilarious. He couldn't speak English very well as it was his second language to Spanish but that didn't take away from his funny factor. Tuesday I was leaving by bus from Camps and he and his family happened to be on the same bus. He was sitting more towards the front and would keep looking back and smiling really big at me. I was just smiling back at the beginning but then I decided that I would make faces instead. Andreas just copied the faces I made and would then start laughing hysterically. For the rest of the week he was pretty inseparable from me whenever his team (the Wondrous Wizards) were near by. When he found out that I am on a soccer team he invited me to come watch the "Mexican Team" play soccer but didn't know where or when.
He was definitely one of the highlights of my week with Camps and although now I am sure that Andreas, along with the rest of the students, no longer know who I am, hopefully we made enough of an impact to get them to come back for Camps next year and be in another safe learning environment.
We got a surprise from our boss on the last day of Camps. We were going to have Monday off. And that was without having to work on Saturday! I somehow ended up having a three day weekend without having to work either job! And I would get to play soccer on Sunday! Uhhh, can there be anything more perfect?
The Weekend
I went out that Friday night with some of the girls I work with to a straight bar called Toi in Belltown. This group always has fun when together so the night began pretty great. The girls like to go to this place called Belltown Billiards to end their night. It's a club that involves a lot of straight drunk people getting naughty. I have been there before with them but have always ended up acting as the protector from guys that hit on the girls who the girls don't want to talk to. I think one night I ended being the "boyfriend" of every girl I came with.
What can I say? I'm good at what I do and I get around.
Haha!
Needless to say, I don't really enjoy going to that place. So, if I start the night with these chicas, I typically go my own way when they are ready to head to the good ol' Belltown Billiards. This night, I was determined to go to one of my favorite places in Seattle, Rplace. I love that there is a gay club that actually plays hip hop and not just house or techno. When I went up to the very top floor, I ran into my ex's roommate and my ex's old roommate. These two guys are pretty good friends and are almost always together. Luckily, they both like me, so I wasn't really alone if I didn't want to be.
What these guys failed to tell me, though, was that my ex, Michael, came with them. And one of Michael's other ex's before me. Haha, how funny that conversation went. Michael was trashed, and because of that, was pretty nice and civil - and honest. He kept saying how big of a douche bag he was and how dumb he was. I agreed with all of it and let him know a bit about what I thought about him ditching me the day after Christmas (start playing "Last Christmas" by George Michaels now). He also told me how he made his current guy go out of town for the weekend so he could hang out with his friends and whoever else he wanted to. And that this guy is really annoying. Ugh, people who really like other people and want to be in a relationship with them do not treat others this way. I told Michael that and before he could respond, some drag queen came over and Michael started flirting with her. Or whatever it is he does. I spent the rest of the time they were there talking to Michael's other ex about school and about just turning 21. That group didn't stay much longer though and I was left on my own, just like how I came to Rplace.
It wasn't much longer, though, that I noticed a guy near me dancing with a girl and that the occasional glance came my direction. Eventually the girl approached me and I knew right away that she was trying to soften me up for the guy. She asked me to dance, which is something I love to do and I know that I am alright at doing. Some time while we were dancing the guy started dancing with us and the girl moved out of the way - haha! The guy's name is Patrick (I know you're reading this, haha) and the girl is Alysse. They also came with Patrick's best friend, Toby. After a bit, Toby and Alysse left. Patrick wanted to stay with me and Alysse made me promise to take care of him. I did promise, of course, and I meant it.
I spent a lot of the rest of the weekend with Patrick, Toby, and Alysse, and had a lot of fun doing so. He's coming back up this weekend and I'm pretty excited. I dunno, I don't want to jinx anything, but he's a pretty cool guy. I have a tendency to fall pretty fast and I often set myself up to be burned. I really hope that this isn't the case here.
Since I know he reads this, how embarrassed am I going to be the next time I talk to him? Hahaha. But I guess that's what these types of things are for - getting it all out there.
Changes
My boss took me aside today and sat me down to talk about staying with City Year for another year. He was wanting to talk to me about becoming a Service Leader for City Year for 2008-2009.
This is a point of contention with me. I absolutely love my kids and I absolutely love being with them whenever I get the opportunity, however, I have a lot of problems with the organization as a whole and some of its "culture".
Inclusiveness is not empowered by conformity. Inclusiveness and acceptance are two main focal points for City Year. However, a lot of what we do has to be done or to look a certain way every time. Conforming individuals is not a way to create an environment that accepts everyone. In fact, I would say that conformity breeds exclusion.
There is also absolutely no system set in place for change. One of the facts of life I learned from college is this: "Tradition is the enemy. To be in an environment without constant change is to be stagnant." There needs to be something set in place for corps members and outside volunteers to affect growth and change. City Year is too uniform and it grates on many individuals who identify heavily with their own individualism.
I am also sure that my frustrations with my experience have been partially team based and influenced from outside as well.
We'll see. To be honest, it would be easy for me to stay with City Year and become a Service Leader. I know that I could definitely do what is required. City Year would also provide me with a way to affect positive social change which has become something so huge in my desires to accomplish.
I talked a bit about that with my friends when I went back home to Missouri and it's interesting to compare the person I was and the person I am now. Especially in regards to getting things done. I want people to be accepted regardless of superficial differences and I absolutely understand that people like me can make this happen. I'm torn, between either enjoying the world as it is or really making an effort to change it.
Like I wrote earlier, we'll see. I definitely need to sleep on things and see which way I want to go and which way is best for me to go. In either case, both will present challenges and both are going to be new starts to a lot of things.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Foot Prints
Have you ever heard the quote "People walk in and out of your life all the time. There are some people, however, who leave footprints all over your heart."
Probably not because I can't for the life of me remember exactly how the quote goes. The first time I read it, I thought that it was something sappy about being touched by someone else who is no longer a part of your life. Now, after having written it out, I feel like it might also be taken as meaning someone walking over someone else.
I'm here to write about the former. I don't want this to really come off as regretful or sad, only gratefully reflective.
This weekend, I had the amazing opportunity to go back to Kirksville. Kirksville was the center of so much for me for so long. I spent five years of my life in this town changing from one person to the next while also experiencing college. My undergraduate career was chock full of revelations, expansions, sorrows, joys, ups, downs, ... this list of descriptives could go on forever. However, I feel that this is very true for almost every individual.
My fraternity had its annual alumni weekend this weekend and I was actually able to afford to go. After I bought my tickets back to Missouri I was totally deeper in the poor house than ever before, but, I survived and was able to see people who I had not seen in a very long time.
One of my biggest inner concerns was actually seeing these people. You have to understand some things about me and Kirksville. In this town, I had a lot of friends. More than I knew how to handle and could please. Yet, in pretty much 98% of the relationships, I was in control and could dictate whatever happened and when things happened. It's difficult leaving an environment that caters so much to you. Especially coming to a city like Seattle that has no idea who you are and definitely does not care. I was worried that returning to Kirksville would wake back up everything I had left behind and that I would get stuck into the life I had pushed myself out of when I left Missouri for Washington.
I really should not have worried. By the end of Friday, at the karaoke party, I realized how much I missed the Seattle scene and being tied to and associated with something larger than partying in a small town that no one has ever heard of. It sounds a bit selfish, but everything was the same. Nothing has changed. People are still drunkards and there's still drama leaking out of everything. There were people who actively ignored me. People who used to talk to me. Yeah, we may not have been the greatest of friends, but there was never ignoring involved. Personality wise, if you ignore me, I will ignore you back. Simple fact.
The point of the weekend wasn't the haters anyways. The focus was seeing the people I loved. Those who really have left footprints on my heart and impressions in my soul. They absolutely know who they are. They also know that although my ass is way out here, I'm not going anywhere as far as friendships are concerned. They just need to get their asses out to Seattle to visit my poor ass.
I also got the chance to finally talk face to face with my ex (we broke up via phone last summer and have not seen this ex since). As far as relationships have gone for me, this one was one of the most influential. He and I finally got to lay to rest some things that had been going on for both of us and finalize who and what the two of us are to each other. Closure is a double edged sword. It's both relieving and saddening. However, this guy is amazing and will definitely always be someone that I will look up to. He absolutely deserves everything good out of life.
I left Kirksville knowing that those friends that I had made there, and actually called my friends,
will always be my friends. No matter what. I also left knowing that I was completely free of some ties to that town.
The closer I got to Seattle the happier and more excited I was. Seattle is where I am supposed to be now. Everything always happens for a reason and happens the way it is supposed to happen. I am where I am because I am supposed to be. Everyone I meet now, I am supposed to meet. The lessons they have to teach me are critical in some manner; I only need to recognize what that lesson is.
That also being said: I will not settle. I will not chase. I will not hold someone else up through life. I know exactly what I want out of someone to spend the rest of my life with and if the people I meet don't fit those requirements, then, romantically, there is no point in pursuance. I feel like my new found self-control and increased confidence is only going to aid me in the completion of these goals.
I will not fail because it's simply something I do not do. I do not have time for people who are actively trying to hold me back or put me down.
The entire world is still out there for the experiencing. I'll be damned if I will let this short life of mine be mediocre.
Cheers.
Probably not because I can't for the life of me remember exactly how the quote goes. The first time I read it, I thought that it was something sappy about being touched by someone else who is no longer a part of your life. Now, after having written it out, I feel like it might also be taken as meaning someone walking over someone else.
I'm here to write about the former. I don't want this to really come off as regretful or sad, only gratefully reflective.
This weekend, I had the amazing opportunity to go back to Kirksville. Kirksville was the center of so much for me for so long. I spent five years of my life in this town changing from one person to the next while also experiencing college. My undergraduate career was chock full of revelations, expansions, sorrows, joys, ups, downs, ... this list of descriptives could go on forever. However, I feel that this is very true for almost every individual.
My fraternity had its annual alumni weekend this weekend and I was actually able to afford to go. After I bought my tickets back to Missouri I was totally deeper in the poor house than ever before, but, I survived and was able to see people who I had not seen in a very long time.
One of my biggest inner concerns was actually seeing these people. You have to understand some things about me and Kirksville. In this town, I had a lot of friends. More than I knew how to handle and could please. Yet, in pretty much 98% of the relationships, I was in control and could dictate whatever happened and when things happened. It's difficult leaving an environment that caters so much to you. Especially coming to a city like Seattle that has no idea who you are and definitely does not care. I was worried that returning to Kirksville would wake back up everything I had left behind and that I would get stuck into the life I had pushed myself out of when I left Missouri for Washington.
I really should not have worried. By the end of Friday, at the karaoke party, I realized how much I missed the Seattle scene and being tied to and associated with something larger than partying in a small town that no one has ever heard of. It sounds a bit selfish, but everything was the same. Nothing has changed. People are still drunkards and there's still drama leaking out of everything. There were people who actively ignored me. People who used to talk to me. Yeah, we may not have been the greatest of friends, but there was never ignoring involved. Personality wise, if you ignore me, I will ignore you back. Simple fact.
The point of the weekend wasn't the haters anyways. The focus was seeing the people I loved. Those who really have left footprints on my heart and impressions in my soul. They absolutely know who they are. They also know that although my ass is way out here, I'm not going anywhere as far as friendships are concerned. They just need to get their asses out to Seattle to visit my poor ass.
I also got the chance to finally talk face to face with my ex (we broke up via phone last summer and have not seen this ex since). As far as relationships have gone for me, this one was one of the most influential. He and I finally got to lay to rest some things that had been going on for both of us and finalize who and what the two of us are to each other. Closure is a double edged sword. It's both relieving and saddening. However, this guy is amazing and will definitely always be someone that I will look up to. He absolutely deserves everything good out of life.
I left Kirksville knowing that those friends that I had made there, and actually called my friends,
will always be my friends. No matter what. I also left knowing that I was completely free of some ties to that town.
The closer I got to Seattle the happier and more excited I was. Seattle is where I am supposed to be now. Everything always happens for a reason and happens the way it is supposed to happen. I am where I am because I am supposed to be. Everyone I meet now, I am supposed to meet. The lessons they have to teach me are critical in some manner; I only need to recognize what that lesson is.
That also being said: I will not settle. I will not chase. I will not hold someone else up through life. I know exactly what I want out of someone to spend the rest of my life with and if the people I meet don't fit those requirements, then, romantically, there is no point in pursuance. I feel like my new found self-control and increased confidence is only going to aid me in the completion of these goals.
I will not fail because it's simply something I do not do. I do not have time for people who are actively trying to hold me back or put me down.
The entire world is still out there for the experiencing. I'll be damned if I will let this short life of mine be mediocre.
Cheers.
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