It's been a long time again. Maybe I suck at this whole blog thing, ha ha. I mean really, only Joel and Abbie read it anymore. Oh well.
A lot has happened since Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, definitely a lot.
I thought about making this post simply about things I've observed of people doing while here in Seattle but what I find interesting in people watching isn't always something that others would want to read about.
So I'm going to give you some background on something I know you'll love: my life. Ha ha!
Soccer is over for now. The regular season doesn't start back up until March or something. I did get offers to play for two more teams but decided against it. For one, the indoor team is way too expensive. I would love to do it, but my free time is hosed and my pockets are very empty. The other team just seems like it would be adding to the stress in my life rather than being a method for relaxation and fun. I've been on super competitive teams before and while I enjoy the challenge and having teammates who are competent I don't want my soccer game days to be ones where I am stressed out. The big tournament next season is in London. I think I missed my chance at being a part of it because I missed both tryout days. I had to work for City Year on both tryouts and am pretty sure that there are more than enough people wanting my spot for the team being sent to London. Oh well, I probably couldn't have afforded that either.
City Year has been busy as well. I went through one of my craptastic phases and laid into City Year a few weeks ago. The result wasn't pretty. I had problems with absolutely everything that went on and even snapped at a few of my kids. Even going so far as to antagonize two middle school girls who admittedly had smart mouths but should have also been handled a lot better by someone my age. I did my normal thing of revenge seeking as well and stopped doing work for my boss and my service leader. I just did whatever I wanted each day and even went so far as to leave work early one day. My goal was to piss them off or hurt them in some backhanded fashion and although I think I succeeded, I also succeeded in doing something I didn't want to do: hurt my team. Talking with my boss wasn't helping to change my disposition. I don't know if that's because of the way we both work out conflict or because he was one of the targets of my wrath. However, talking to another person who works for City Year helped, Petaki. I am positive that her insights as well as my blossoming sense that I was fucking up my team as well helped me to change my mood around.
I tried an experiment to see how I could fix things. I went into work as my old self. Jokingly, stupid, and playful. My team and my bosses noticed and thanked me for it. Things were on the up and my play acting started to have a positive affect on me as well. I went home to Missouri back on the ups with City Year and those I work closely with.
I left early December to head back home for my sister, Ashley's, wedding. She didn't want to have a huge wedding so she invited maybe 100 people. Unfortunately, it was snowing very badly in the Midwest. She had maybe 50 show up. Even still, everything turned out nicely and it was great to see my Missouri family. I even got to meet Ashley's baby, my niece, Aubrey. Aubrey was 6 weeks old at the time and still very little. I got to even hold her! I wish that there had been more chances for that, but everyone and everything was very busy while I was there. I got to keep her company for a bit during the reception part of the wedding, but there were also a ton of other wedding visitors who wanted to see Aubrey as well. My brother, Brandon, and I also did a dance called the Soldier Boy during the reception for everyone. It was hilarious. My family was like "We had no idea you guys could dance!" I just smiled and thought "Oh, if you only knew."
While I was in Columbia, I got to see some of my friends from college as well. David, Abbie, Julie, and Colleen were all at David and Abbie's house with a few other people. We had a holiday party and it was just really good to be with them again. They were so very constant in my life while I was at Truman that being over here in the Pacific Northwest without them has left me a little adrift. More people were going to be there, but the weather kept people away. David ended up taking me back to my dad's house that night but I had to make him pull over so I could throw up outside his car. Yeah, it was a typical Josh moment.
Coming back, I had convinced that guy I mentioned in my last post to come pick me up from the airport. His name is Mike but I call him Michael. Who knows why. I have a thing with names. That night we went to his friend, Phillip's, house for a little Sunday get together that they all do. Someone makes dinner (this night was Michael's night and he was making gumbo) and they watch a series of shows together. This was my first time at the Sunday night thing even though I had been invited many times before.
My situation with Michael is a bit weird. I liked/like him a lot. Which is hard for me to get out because I really do not like opening up. I know that for most of my friends, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but in the case of strangers and those I hardly know, I view opening up as a weakness. Mike and I would do a lot of things together. Each of us being pretty busy. Me working two jobs, him having a real full time job. Most nights that I didn't have to work at the Gap I would stay over at his house and just wear the same uniform parts for City Year the next day while having packed a Gap outfit for work there the following night. I traveled heavy most days with my trademark bag. This relationship is weird because I allowed Michael in so fast. I typically don't do that. I have no clue why I fell so hard so fast.
One other thing that I started to notice was my pulling away from everyone else. Everything that I wanted to do would be with Mike and I was becoming content. I stopped hanging out with my other friends. And in any sense, I was still extremely busy but I used that as an excuse to justify using my free time to be with Michael instead of the other people I have met while in Seattle. I recognized this because it was something I had seen and been a part of with other friends of mine who have come across significant others. Except I was always one of the ones who was left behind and now I started to see that I was doing what I hated when other friends of mine who were part of couples were doing. And for some reason, I didn't care. I kept saying, things will calm down and I will have more breathing room.
I loved hanging out with Michael every opportunity I got. It reminded me intensely of another relationship of mine in the past that I sworn to secrecy about - ha ha, oops. I loved being woken up every morning by him throwing a pillow over my face so that when he turned on the light to get ready for work the light wouldn't keep me up. I loved that we both had the same taste in music. I loved that he had a car. I loved that he was masculine. I loved how he would plug my phone into his charger every time he left in the morning so my phone wouldn't die. I loved that he had a sense of humor and was much more easy going and outgoing than I am.
A couple of years ago, a guy I was kind of seeing in Ohio decided that he wanted to rape me. Well, maybe he didn't really decide other than that in the moment that is what happened. I am not writing about this out of a need for pity or for sympathy, it's just a statement to help tie together the importance of a later topic. This is a statement of fact that I have accepted as having happened and is not something that has lasting impression on my life. This guy tried forcing himself into me without any type of condom or lubricant. I told him to stop. Multiple times. For a second or two, or maybe more, I was in shock. I started thinking "Is this really happening to me? Am I really being raped?" Then I told myself "Oh hell no." I waited, and when the time was right, I lashed out. Two years of Krav Maga, a lifetime of wrestling with my brothers, the angst of a young man, and the determination of not being made a victim was all connected into one single attack. I left that guy unconscious on his bed and drove back to my mom's house where I was staying while in Ohio. He tried calling later, probably to see if I was going to press charges or something, but I ignored him. I even went so far as to delete his number from my cell phone. If you know me, then you know I have to be prepared and that I keep every bit of information just because some part of me thinks it may be useful later. I deleted his number and therefore any type of connection between the two of us. I don't need him anymore. I went through every, uh, relationship? Fling? Hook up? from thereafter never engaging in that part of man on man intercourse. It hurt too much. I bleed now with large stools and always have since that night. The doctor checked and can't seem to find something wrong with me, although I can almost pinpoint where the pain is. I can feel it. So, this has to do with Michael in one way. I finally went for and allowed this type of sex to happen. The first time it hurt a lot, but eventually the pain went away. The next time, I had to make him stop. Then the third time, it was fine. I enjoyed it and of course he did too. That was Christmas night.
My Christmas and Christmas Eve was very homesick. I missed my family so much. In my opinion, New Year's should be spent with friends while Thanksgiving and Christmas should be spent with the family. God, how I wanted to be home. This was my first Christmas not with my family. Not visiting my dad's parents the night before. Waking up and opening presents with everyone on Christmas morning. Going to my step mom's parents' house for lunch. Jesus, was I homesick. The one thing I wanted from Seattle was for my Michael to hang out with me during this holiday. He was to get back from his mom's on Christmas Eve. I was planning on staying with him that night and waking up Christmas day with him. We both had the day off and would be the first time in a while that we could sleep in (him working or me having him take me to work) or do whatever. He got home late that night and texted me saying he was going to bed and would call me the next day. I ended up getting an invite to go out to dinner with my boss and his partner on Christmas day at a Chinese restaurant. Since I wasn't going to be with Mike, I took him up on the offer and went with them to dinner. Dinner was good, even great. It was also funny to finally meet my boss' life partner and to see how his personality meshed with my boss'. Later that night, Michael got home from his dad's house for dinner and picked me up. We delivered a few cars that I promised someone I would deliver to driveways so they wouldn't get fined. One of the cars was a manual and I don't know how to drive a stick, but Mike does, so I had him drive that one while I drove the automatic. The night was great. Ronda gave me a free movie rental. Mike and I bought some candy from her. We had snacks, opened Christmas presents that each of us got each other, I drank a little. And then the lights went out. I will spare you the details on that as I know it's not really appropriate for me to lay out here. I will keep that for the next Chinese dinner that Jennifer, Amy, and I have - how I miss those! The day after Christmas was the last I had seen of Michael.
He did his usual of flinging a pillow onto my face, then taking off when the lights were back out and he was leaving. We did the normal goodbye routine and he left for work and I went back to bed for another hour before I had to get up and get ready for work. I didn't know that was the end of things. As far as I knew, things were going really good. He even said that he would call me later and that he might be staying later at his job since he was going to be off for New Year's and needed the extra hours.
He never called that night. And, like a stupid little school girl, I waited next to my phone. He didn't call the next day either so I called him from my work and left a message. Still have not heard back from him. If I'm being ignored as a way to drop me, it's a pretty shitty way to end things. However, I know that I have done this before and been the recipient of this before as well. Never, however, has it been with someone who I had spent over a month of my life with and allowed so deeply into my life before. I know that Michael had some intentions of going to Portland for New Year's but he wouldn't go without telling me he was going and even more, he would call me back. On the one hand, I know that he is still alive, which is a relief, because his myspace keeps being updated with the last time he has logged on (god, I sound like such a stalker!). So it is good to know that he's not lying in a gutter somewhere or got ran over by one of the trains he works on. But I still wish that he would have done something different with the ending of things. It would have still hurt but at least it would have been a finality instead of this weird limbo.
Or, I may be doing something that Dan always got on to me about: Thinking too deeply into things. Maybe this is some time to think or there is some reason and tomorrow everything will be fine again. But for now, this is me.
Welcome to my mind, welcome to this craziness.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Post Thanksgiving
So, it's now Sunday night and tomorrow will mark the return to normalcy. At least for awhile until I head back home for my sister's wedding.
I worked a lot for the holiday, but not at City Year. I pulled more hours than normal at my new second job, Gap. It's funny, because for most of the day, I actually like this job (please knock on wood). I finally got it through to the management that I would rather work on the men's floor even though they constantly stick me in the kids' level. It's easy working with the kids because I have so much experience with it, but that's not where my interests lie, if you get my meaning.
Thanksgiving itself ended up being pretty fun. I went with a guy on my soccer team to his family's get together and it ended being a lot more fun than I was anticipating. Not that I am trying to be mean or had low expectations, just that I was very very unsure about imposing myself onto an established family. The house was extremely nice. I won't go into details because it's not my place, but the family that lived there owned two pure bred Doberman pincers. Now, these are the first dogs like these I've seen in real life. My only experience with them has been their movie representations which are not very friendly. That being said, these dogs were amazing. The food was also fantastic. The man of the house (I say this loosely, as clearly the female was in charge) kept force feeding me wine when I got there, so by the time dinner was ready and I switched to rum & coke, I was already buzzed. I kept my cool though and just proceeded to eat tons of real food (I don't get much while on foodstamps) and to enjoy talking to other people. These people rocked, and I am so glad that this guy on my soccer team had me come down with him.
The rest of everything else has been pretty normal. Save for this dude that I met recently who I have been hanging out a lot with. I am still trying to figure the entire thing out, so be ready for an update on that.
I worked a lot for the holiday, but not at City Year. I pulled more hours than normal at my new second job, Gap. It's funny, because for most of the day, I actually like this job (please knock on wood). I finally got it through to the management that I would rather work on the men's floor even though they constantly stick me in the kids' level. It's easy working with the kids because I have so much experience with it, but that's not where my interests lie, if you get my meaning.
Thanksgiving itself ended up being pretty fun. I went with a guy on my soccer team to his family's get together and it ended being a lot more fun than I was anticipating. Not that I am trying to be mean or had low expectations, just that I was very very unsure about imposing myself onto an established family. The house was extremely nice. I won't go into details because it's not my place, but the family that lived there owned two pure bred Doberman pincers. Now, these are the first dogs like these I've seen in real life. My only experience with them has been their movie representations which are not very friendly. That being said, these dogs were amazing. The food was also fantastic. The man of the house (I say this loosely, as clearly the female was in charge) kept force feeding me wine when I got there, so by the time dinner was ready and I switched to rum & coke, I was already buzzed. I kept my cool though and just proceeded to eat tons of real food (I don't get much while on foodstamps) and to enjoy talking to other people. These people rocked, and I am so glad that this guy on my soccer team had me come down with him.
The rest of everything else has been pretty normal. Save for this dude that I met recently who I have been hanging out a lot with. I am still trying to figure the entire thing out, so be ready for an update on that.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
This is the first big holiday that I've spent away from some aspect of my family. It's a bit weird but also kinda cool. I like that I am adult enough now to be able to be on my own but I can't lie and say that I don't miss my family, because I do.
This is something I better get used to, because Christmas is going to be the same.
Be safe out there, folks. Eat a lot and have fun.
Later gators.
This is the first big holiday that I've spent away from some aspect of my family. It's a bit weird but also kinda cool. I like that I am adult enough now to be able to be on my own but I can't lie and say that I don't miss my family, because I do.
This is something I better get used to, because Christmas is going to be the same.
Be safe out there, folks. Eat a lot and have fun.
Later gators.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Eventful
So this has been an eventful weekend.
First, Thursday night, the only night that I have off at my second job, I get roped into going to a middle school for a recruitment hit but instead, one of my teammates gets hit by a car right in front of our office. She is okay and is staying home now in a lot of pain, but it scared a crap load of people.
Saturday we had another service event with our students. The rain made everything very unsafe for our students so we had to call it early. It was hard as hell to get parents to come and pick up their kids. I ended up getting left at the park with one of our students whose mom wasn't picking up her phone at all. The mom ended up coming at the regular end time which was over two hours after we had ended the day. I had to bus back through Seattle to my house soaking wet, hungry, and angry. It was not fun.
Saturday night, however, I got to go to a club in Seattle called: R-Place. I like that place only because I like hip hop music. Some of my friends surprised me there and we ended up at Neighbors, another club in Seattle. I had never been to this one before but I was too drunk to really take it all in.
Sunday, I had my normal soccer game, but this one was our Over 30 vs. Under 30 game with my team, Ripple Effect, playing with another team called Savoire Faire. During this, I ended up getting two invites to play with more competitive teams that I am seriously thinking about doing. I will need to start up some training over the winter if I do decide to do it.
We also had a Thanksgiving shindig with all our players tonight on those two teams. I decided that I would bring something that I call "Amy's Fruit Salad" to the dinner. It's basically a watermelon hollowed out and filled with other types of fruit. It looks cool, and that's what I was going for. I made two out of mini watermelons and they were a huge hit.
I also found out today that I somehow was given the Alumni of the Year award from my fraternity. It's crazy. I had no idea I was even up for it. It's cool, I just wish I was back in Kville to celebrate with everyone for it.
For now, I am staying extremely busy and lamenting not being able to see mi madre for Thanksviging.
First, Thursday night, the only night that I have off at my second job, I get roped into going to a middle school for a recruitment hit but instead, one of my teammates gets hit by a car right in front of our office. She is okay and is staying home now in a lot of pain, but it scared a crap load of people.
Saturday we had another service event with our students. The rain made everything very unsafe for our students so we had to call it early. It was hard as hell to get parents to come and pick up their kids. I ended up getting left at the park with one of our students whose mom wasn't picking up her phone at all. The mom ended up coming at the regular end time which was over two hours after we had ended the day. I had to bus back through Seattle to my house soaking wet, hungry, and angry. It was not fun.
Saturday night, however, I got to go to a club in Seattle called: R-Place. I like that place only because I like hip hop music. Some of my friends surprised me there and we ended up at Neighbors, another club in Seattle. I had never been to this one before but I was too drunk to really take it all in.
Sunday, I had my normal soccer game, but this one was our Over 30 vs. Under 30 game with my team, Ripple Effect, playing with another team called Savoire Faire. During this, I ended up getting two invites to play with more competitive teams that I am seriously thinking about doing. I will need to start up some training over the winter if I do decide to do it.
We also had a Thanksgiving shindig with all our players tonight on those two teams. I decided that I would bring something that I call "Amy's Fruit Salad" to the dinner. It's basically a watermelon hollowed out and filled with other types of fruit. It looks cool, and that's what I was going for. I made two out of mini watermelons and they were a huge hit.
I also found out today that I somehow was given the Alumni of the Year award from my fraternity. It's crazy. I had no idea I was even up for it. It's cool, I just wish I was back in Kville to celebrate with everyone for it.
For now, I am staying extremely busy and lamenting not being able to see mi madre for Thanksviging.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Cool, not
Holy shit, I haven't posted on here since October 20th. What a slacker I am.
I've been busy. Yeah, I know, easy excuse but it really is the truth. Like I have already mentioned, I work a lot for City Year. This job definitely keeps me busy (which has been surprisingly good for me) and only seems to be getting busier.
Tomorrow will be the culmination of one of the projects my team has been working on for a week now. It is something called a Community Meeting and we are the first team out of the entire corps to host our own Community Meeting. Our theme is going to be Superheroes. Each of us picked two sets of superheroes as table decals and coloring pages for the members to play with while we are meeting and I picked The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Power Rangers (original five, thanks). Through some sick twist of fate, only us team members will be allowed to dress up as superheroes for this meeting. I decided upon dressing up as Super Kewpie. My high school mascot was a Kewpie and as such, I will be going as... basically a naked baby. We'll see how that goes over. No one else in the corps is allowed to dress up because of some issues in the past with "unprofessional" costumes. Yeah, that's what I thought too: W.T.F. mate? In any case, I will be hitting it hard as will the rest of my teammates.
I also, somehow, accidentally volunteered myself to do my Life Works during our Community Meeting. I'm going to be the first regular corps member to do their Life Works and although I know all of the material by heart (it is all about me, after all) I am a bit nervous. I've never been a fan of public speaking and this is going to test my comfort zone a little bit. Especially since the entire thing will be me talking about me and exposing myself to a lot of people. Which is also something I don't like to do. Really, everyone, or almost everyone, has heard the biggest controversies that make me who I am so the rest of the Life Works will seem kind of bland. At least I think it will, I can only really speak for myself. While working on this project, I went through a ton of pictures. Mainly pictures off of facebook and myspace as I don't have much here in Seattle as far as tangible pictures of friends and family. Wow, that was probably a mistake. Going back through years of pictures and memories hit me pretty hard. I went to bed a few nights ago completely down and wondering what the fuck I was doing in Seattle when everyone I cared about was somewhere else. I kept thinking: "We had so much fun. Is that gone? Can I bring that back?" There are tons of people I miss but most of them are no longer in Kirksville or Columbia, the only two places I really know in the Midwest. As far as Columbia, only my family is there that I actually think about or miss at all; and David and Abbie, of course. Kirksville... geez, there are a few people there who I can't believe I don't see anymore, but a lot of people that I'm glad I don't see anymore. And that's being honest, you know me if you are reading this, so you know how I am about honesty. Everyone else has moved away and is continuing with their own lives. I think that's one of the things that kept me strong through my little break down (stupid, I know) was knowing that everyone else had plans and was acting on them. I know that what I am doing in Seattle is bigger and more meaningful than myself so in my heart, I know that it is a good thing. I want to be an example for those I am not around anymore. Plus, I am not a quitter. I will finish City Year and do what is meant to be afterwards. If it's staying here, cool, if not, that's cool too.
We finally got moved into Meany Middle School. Now I can say I actually tutor and mentor middle school students instead of just "engage" and do service with them. I was assigned to two different classrooms, a reading and writing class and a science class. Both classes have 8th graders in them. For some reason, I like being around the 8th graders the most - I like their personalities and their minds. They are so cool.
Other work projects are still ongoing. My Substance Abuse LDD is coming along and will be presented at the end of this month. It's finally all coming together and looks great. My Dreams Committee is just starting its business and I am still not sure what will be involved with it. As far as Team Leader recruitment goes... that's a bit rough. I haven't had much luck lately, but I'm still trudging through everything. I was able to talk to the guy in L.A. who has my same position and he had some really good ideas to use.
I got a second job as well. It's at the GAP and I am now working in the Men's department as a salesman. I have very little retail experience, but I can make this happen. This is a very good opportunity for me as it will give me some income flow outside of City Year as well get me into situations where I can meet more people in Seattle. I'm pretty excited about it. And yeah, some of that is probably because I was able to get some much needed new clothes.
However, as a side effect to getting that second job, I will not be able to go visit my mom for Thanksgiving or to visit my dad for Christmas. That is going to blow pretty hard. I'm not going to be the only person here that I know, however, so I will at least be able to do little things while still in Seattle. I will, however, still be able to go back to Columbia for Ashley's wedding in December. I will only be in Columbia Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night (Saturday being the wedding on the 15th) so I plan on making some rounds while I am there. I am pretty sure (although I haven't checked yet) that Truman will be out for Christmas break, so I don't think I will be going up to Kirksville. But I can still do a lot of things in Columbia that will be fun. I would like to go back to Soco just to get that experience again. Maybe compare it a bit to Seattle's nightlife. As well as to hang out with the fam and anyone else I know who is in Columbia at that time (Abbie, David, your asses better be ready to do something - we are not old yet).
My soccer team has been going great and my toes are healing up nicely. I have even joined a running club of City Year employees. The hills here are a whole new experience to the predominantly flat Missouri. They are hard, but I push myself through them and get it done like I normally do. My ipod has become one of my greatest allies here. It and I run a lot of Beacon Hill everyday. Whenever I am at work, I look forward to getting off and being able to run my route on Beacon Hill. I used to hate running, now, that's changed for some reason. I think I blame Dan. That little fucker must have rubbed off on me before we both left Truman. Or, I just keep it as a way to remember him and everyone else.
I've noticed lately that my attitudes and personality has taken a bit of a slip back towards the old Josh. The Josh that was while I was finishing college. Opinionated, stubborn, and fiercely independent. I like that Josh and I'm glad that he's back and the one that arose when I came out here is going away. My heart is made of ice.
I've made the plans and am definitely sure that I will be going back for the next Alumni weekend with Phi Sigma Pi. It will be fun to be on the outside looking in and I am sure that if I go, I can convince other old people to come with me. We can show these new kids what partying is like. None of this stupid shit I am reading about on facebook. Yeah, I facebook-stalk. It's easy and informative. Along with that, a bit, I checked out something out of curiosity and it turns out that someone still harbors some ill feelings towards me. Yeah, you need to find something else to think about. Really. The whole turning me into the bad guy thing is getting very old.
Speaking of thinking about! Last week we had this training called UIR. Or, Undoing Institutionalized Racism. The seminar was abrasive to the max. I took pages worth of notes and am in the process of putting together something cohesive and typed out about the entire experience. I think I'm going to put it up on here, or maybe not. I don't know how long it will be, but I am sure that it is going to be a lot longer than I had originally thought. Plus, I still need to think it all out and by writing about it, I hope to accomplish that. Racism. What a delicate subject.
It's late. For me, at least, since I have get up in time to bus from Beacon Hill to downtown. Plus, I'm 24 now, have been since October 23rd. Does that make me sound old?
I've been busy. Yeah, I know, easy excuse but it really is the truth. Like I have already mentioned, I work a lot for City Year. This job definitely keeps me busy (which has been surprisingly good for me) and only seems to be getting busier.
Tomorrow will be the culmination of one of the projects my team has been working on for a week now. It is something called a Community Meeting and we are the first team out of the entire corps to host our own Community Meeting. Our theme is going to be Superheroes. Each of us picked two sets of superheroes as table decals and coloring pages for the members to play with while we are meeting and I picked The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Power Rangers (original five, thanks). Through some sick twist of fate, only us team members will be allowed to dress up as superheroes for this meeting. I decided upon dressing up as Super Kewpie. My high school mascot was a Kewpie and as such, I will be going as... basically a naked baby. We'll see how that goes over. No one else in the corps is allowed to dress up because of some issues in the past with "unprofessional" costumes. Yeah, that's what I thought too: W.T.F. mate? In any case, I will be hitting it hard as will the rest of my teammates.
I also, somehow, accidentally volunteered myself to do my Life Works during our Community Meeting. I'm going to be the first regular corps member to do their Life Works and although I know all of the material by heart (it is all about me, after all) I am a bit nervous. I've never been a fan of public speaking and this is going to test my comfort zone a little bit. Especially since the entire thing will be me talking about me and exposing myself to a lot of people. Which is also something I don't like to do. Really, everyone, or almost everyone, has heard the biggest controversies that make me who I am so the rest of the Life Works will seem kind of bland. At least I think it will, I can only really speak for myself. While working on this project, I went through a ton of pictures. Mainly pictures off of facebook and myspace as I don't have much here in Seattle as far as tangible pictures of friends and family. Wow, that was probably a mistake. Going back through years of pictures and memories hit me pretty hard. I went to bed a few nights ago completely down and wondering what the fuck I was doing in Seattle when everyone I cared about was somewhere else. I kept thinking: "We had so much fun. Is that gone? Can I bring that back?" There are tons of people I miss but most of them are no longer in Kirksville or Columbia, the only two places I really know in the Midwest. As far as Columbia, only my family is there that I actually think about or miss at all; and David and Abbie, of course. Kirksville... geez, there are a few people there who I can't believe I don't see anymore, but a lot of people that I'm glad I don't see anymore. And that's being honest, you know me if you are reading this, so you know how I am about honesty. Everyone else has moved away and is continuing with their own lives. I think that's one of the things that kept me strong through my little break down (stupid, I know) was knowing that everyone else had plans and was acting on them. I know that what I am doing in Seattle is bigger and more meaningful than myself so in my heart, I know that it is a good thing. I want to be an example for those I am not around anymore. Plus, I am not a quitter. I will finish City Year and do what is meant to be afterwards. If it's staying here, cool, if not, that's cool too.
We finally got moved into Meany Middle School. Now I can say I actually tutor and mentor middle school students instead of just "engage" and do service with them. I was assigned to two different classrooms, a reading and writing class and a science class. Both classes have 8th graders in them. For some reason, I like being around the 8th graders the most - I like their personalities and their minds. They are so cool.
Other work projects are still ongoing. My Substance Abuse LDD is coming along and will be presented at the end of this month. It's finally all coming together and looks great. My Dreams Committee is just starting its business and I am still not sure what will be involved with it. As far as Team Leader recruitment goes... that's a bit rough. I haven't had much luck lately, but I'm still trudging through everything. I was able to talk to the guy in L.A. who has my same position and he had some really good ideas to use.
I got a second job as well. It's at the GAP and I am now working in the Men's department as a salesman. I have very little retail experience, but I can make this happen. This is a very good opportunity for me as it will give me some income flow outside of City Year as well get me into situations where I can meet more people in Seattle. I'm pretty excited about it. And yeah, some of that is probably because I was able to get some much needed new clothes.
However, as a side effect to getting that second job, I will not be able to go visit my mom for Thanksgiving or to visit my dad for Christmas. That is going to blow pretty hard. I'm not going to be the only person here that I know, however, so I will at least be able to do little things while still in Seattle. I will, however, still be able to go back to Columbia for Ashley's wedding in December. I will only be in Columbia Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night (Saturday being the wedding on the 15th) so I plan on making some rounds while I am there. I am pretty sure (although I haven't checked yet) that Truman will be out for Christmas break, so I don't think I will be going up to Kirksville. But I can still do a lot of things in Columbia that will be fun. I would like to go back to Soco just to get that experience again. Maybe compare it a bit to Seattle's nightlife. As well as to hang out with the fam and anyone else I know who is in Columbia at that time (Abbie, David, your asses better be ready to do something - we are not old yet).
My soccer team has been going great and my toes are healing up nicely. I have even joined a running club of City Year employees. The hills here are a whole new experience to the predominantly flat Missouri. They are hard, but I push myself through them and get it done like I normally do. My ipod has become one of my greatest allies here. It and I run a lot of Beacon Hill everyday. Whenever I am at work, I look forward to getting off and being able to run my route on Beacon Hill. I used to hate running, now, that's changed for some reason. I think I blame Dan. That little fucker must have rubbed off on me before we both left Truman. Or, I just keep it as a way to remember him and everyone else.
I've noticed lately that my attitudes and personality has taken a bit of a slip back towards the old Josh. The Josh that was while I was finishing college. Opinionated, stubborn, and fiercely independent. I like that Josh and I'm glad that he's back and the one that arose when I came out here is going away. My heart is made of ice.
I've made the plans and am definitely sure that I will be going back for the next Alumni weekend with Phi Sigma Pi. It will be fun to be on the outside looking in and I am sure that if I go, I can convince other old people to come with me. We can show these new kids what partying is like. None of this stupid shit I am reading about on facebook. Yeah, I facebook-stalk. It's easy and informative. Along with that, a bit, I checked out something out of curiosity and it turns out that someone still harbors some ill feelings towards me. Yeah, you need to find something else to think about. Really. The whole turning me into the bad guy thing is getting very old.
Speaking of thinking about! Last week we had this training called UIR. Or, Undoing Institutionalized Racism. The seminar was abrasive to the max. I took pages worth of notes and am in the process of putting together something cohesive and typed out about the entire experience. I think I'm going to put it up on here, or maybe not. I don't know how long it will be, but I am sure that it is going to be a lot longer than I had originally thought. Plus, I still need to think it all out and by writing about it, I hope to accomplish that. Racism. What a delicate subject.
It's late. For me, at least, since I have get up in time to bus from Beacon Hill to downtown. Plus, I'm 24 now, have been since October 23rd. Does that make me sound old?
Saturday, October 20, 2007
OIhsoihsgslhgh
That's the only way I know how to describe everything that's been going on.
I work my butt off, everyday of every week. My team and I are always busy and always doing things with City Year. Aside from that, I try to stay social with the people I have met here so I do a bit of going out in addition to working.
Work has been crazy. We are still putting in about 60 hours every week but now our team is starting to get the hang of things so we are much more efficient. Our morale has been bottoming out a lot, however, as people are started to get burnt out on lunch visits and too many things being required everyday from us. We are working on fixing that which has required us to have a lot of meetings with our boss and the team as a whole. Which, looking back on it, causes us to only get more behind. Every Friday we do events with the entire corps. This past Friday (aka yesterday) was good. But traditionally the Fridays have sucked. Normally, every Friday I will question myself as to why I'm even in City Year. Yesterday was the exception. We had the first LDD committee presentation on Domestic Violence. LDDs are put together and ran by corps members, so the entire day is different than normal and was a lot more interesting. My LDD presentation is November 30th on Substance Abuse. Woooooo.... yeah, not so much.
Soccer hasn't been happening. Mainly because of my damn toe injuries from a month ago. However, last Monday a clinic I went to decided to just pull the toenail out. They gave me a few shots around the toe to numb it and then had me lay back. The lady asked me about what I want to do after City Year and by the time I was done telling that I am interested in getting my PhD in Physical Therapy she had my toenail out. I didn't even feel it happen. But the pain was gone. All of it. I was in a little bootie for a few days and then tried shoes. Shoes were fine so I tried running. Running was fine. Now tomorrow I am going to retry soccer. We'll see how that goes. I am really excited to get back out there though. I wish that the toenail that was also injured but that didn't get infected would just come out as well. That would make everything perfect. The one good thing about this is that the clinic I went to (a walk-in by the way, I had to be there by 630am by bus) gave me a note that will get me free healthcare until April 9th because of my low income and the things I still have to pay out every month.
We also go out on the weekends quite a bit.
I've also been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do after City Year. I know that I don't want to do another term at CY. It's just after that where I am unsure. A big part of me wants to go on and get my PhD in Physical Therapy and return to what I've always said I was going to do. I love healthcare and serving people, so that seems to be a very safe bet. Another part of me is very worried about going back to more school. I've also been throwing around the ideas of fire paramedic or even a cop as a jump start to something like the DEA. But I dunno. I hope that it all becomes more clear soon.
I also finally have my EBT food stamps card. They gave me money from all the way back to when I applied, so I have more than enough money for food now. But the system they have in place is horrible. I have a job that knows we need food stamps. Allows us to go get the EBT card and to go to our appointments. Allows us to use work computers for the app process and also allows us to use the fax machine to fax in forms for it. Now, the average person who needs food stamps isn't going to have many, or even any, of those options. How are they going to be able to accomplish the entire process? Not to mention that if something is screwed up your app gets denied and you have to wait until the next month. I really wish that entire process would get reworked. I swear that this entire experience is so eye opening in so many different ways.
I'm only one month in. That means there are nine more to go and already this has been an experience I wouldn't trade out.
I work my butt off, everyday of every week. My team and I are always busy and always doing things with City Year. Aside from that, I try to stay social with the people I have met here so I do a bit of going out in addition to working.
Work has been crazy. We are still putting in about 60 hours every week but now our team is starting to get the hang of things so we are much more efficient. Our morale has been bottoming out a lot, however, as people are started to get burnt out on lunch visits and too many things being required everyday from us. We are working on fixing that which has required us to have a lot of meetings with our boss and the team as a whole. Which, looking back on it, causes us to only get more behind. Every Friday we do events with the entire corps. This past Friday (aka yesterday) was good. But traditionally the Fridays have sucked. Normally, every Friday I will question myself as to why I'm even in City Year. Yesterday was the exception. We had the first LDD committee presentation on Domestic Violence. LDDs are put together and ran by corps members, so the entire day is different than normal and was a lot more interesting. My LDD presentation is November 30th on Substance Abuse. Woooooo.... yeah, not so much.
Soccer hasn't been happening. Mainly because of my damn toe injuries from a month ago. However, last Monday a clinic I went to decided to just pull the toenail out. They gave me a few shots around the toe to numb it and then had me lay back. The lady asked me about what I want to do after City Year and by the time I was done telling that I am interested in getting my PhD in Physical Therapy she had my toenail out. I didn't even feel it happen. But the pain was gone. All of it. I was in a little bootie for a few days and then tried shoes. Shoes were fine so I tried running. Running was fine. Now tomorrow I am going to retry soccer. We'll see how that goes. I am really excited to get back out there though. I wish that the toenail that was also injured but that didn't get infected would just come out as well. That would make everything perfect. The one good thing about this is that the clinic I went to (a walk-in by the way, I had to be there by 630am by bus) gave me a note that will get me free healthcare until April 9th because of my low income and the things I still have to pay out every month.
We also go out on the weekends quite a bit.
I've also been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do after City Year. I know that I don't want to do another term at CY. It's just after that where I am unsure. A big part of me wants to go on and get my PhD in Physical Therapy and return to what I've always said I was going to do. I love healthcare and serving people, so that seems to be a very safe bet. Another part of me is very worried about going back to more school. I've also been throwing around the ideas of fire paramedic or even a cop as a jump start to something like the DEA. But I dunno. I hope that it all becomes more clear soon.
I also finally have my EBT food stamps card. They gave me money from all the way back to when I applied, so I have more than enough money for food now. But the system they have in place is horrible. I have a job that knows we need food stamps. Allows us to go get the EBT card and to go to our appointments. Allows us to use work computers for the app process and also allows us to use the fax machine to fax in forms for it. Now, the average person who needs food stamps isn't going to have many, or even any, of those options. How are they going to be able to accomplish the entire process? Not to mention that if something is screwed up your app gets denied and you have to wait until the next month. I really wish that entire process would get reworked. I swear that this entire experience is so eye opening in so many different ways.
I'm only one month in. That means there are nine more to go and already this has been an experience I wouldn't trade out.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Khareem and Internet
So begins a new chapter in the lives of those who live at the Pimp Party Palace, AKA P3: Khareem and Internet.
I completely stole that title from Ian, one of my roommates.
We got another roommate, Khareem. He moved in last week and is using the dining room of our house as his bedroom. It's all good with me as that means cheaper rent and utilities. Everything is going pretty good so far. He's pretty knowledgeable about technology, which has really helped us out. He is also how we ended up with the Internet at our house and was responsible for 99% of its setup and fixing. There's something about where we live that just makes signals shitty.
I have been ridiculously busy with work pulling normally around 60 hour work weeks. And yes, still getting paid pretty crappy. It's a good thing I like working with kids or I'd be out in a heartbeat.
This past weekend we had a retreat with some of the middle school students who did our program last year and were interested in doing it again this year. The rewards for them are greater but so are the expectations. These students were fun as hell to hang out with. Yeah, they were difficult to get to cooperate but we still had a blast working with them at our retreat.
It's just now becoming fall in Seattle. There is road near my house that has a huge golf course on both sides all the way down it. The road itself is lined with various types of trees that are all changing colors at various rates. It really is an awesome sight.
Last Saturday was my first time at a gay club here in Seattle. I had a lot of fun but apparently I intimidate some people. Some guy came over to me and asked me if I was gay or straight. I told him, "gay, why else would I be here?" And he said that I didn't look gay but that there are some dudes over somewhere to the side of the dance floor who were too chicken to come and talk to me themselves. I didn't sweat it. I wasn't there looking for anything, just for a fun time so I went back to hanging out with the people I came with and had a friggin blast. The walk home, however, wasn't so blast-tastic. I had looked up a late night bus route that I thought could get me close to my house and I even made it down from the club to downtown with enough time to catch the last two pickups from that bus. But it never came! I definitely didn't want to pay for a cab (getting from downtown to my house costs well over $25) so I just walked home. And yeah, it was typical Seattle - raining. I walked all the way from downtown Seattle to Beacon Hill where I live a little inebriated a lot wet. I didn't get home until about 5:30am but I also stopped to talk to a homeless guy along the way and listened to another homeless guy rap to us. Not so safe, eh? But still fun and interesting. I kept passing out along the way home but somehow kept my balance and kept walking. Go figure.
My soccer team is also doing pretty good. I am having a lot of fun with those guys. The only problem is that for the first two games my cleats were too small and screwed up my two big toes. Or rather, my two big toenails. But nails are white and black with the left one having some yellow thrown in. The left one is also puffy around the edges oozes sometimes. It's definitely infected and I have an appointment on Wednesday that should have happened a long time ago. We'll see what comes of that.
I also was able to go down to the food stamp office today and check to see how that was coming along. It turns out that they never got my faxed copies of my forms and that my EBT card has been pushed back yet again until I can bring all of the forms in myself. Which is a bit difficult right now because I left my binder at the retreat place and I am hoping that it just got mixed in with my boss' stuff who was also there. Here's to hoping. All of my completed food stamp stuff was in that folder along with two magazines I wasn't finished with and all of my progress with my Team Leader Coordinator position. I really hope that binder isn't lost.
Today, I did go the Pike Place Market. I got to see the place where they throw fish and all of the little interesting shops there as well. It was really cool and I kept thinking about how much my grandparents would probably like to walk through it.
I really can't think of anything else to add although I'm sure a ton has happened. I like this city, but I haven't come across anything yet that will definitely keep me here after my term at City Year is up.
I completely stole that title from Ian, one of my roommates.
We got another roommate, Khareem. He moved in last week and is using the dining room of our house as his bedroom. It's all good with me as that means cheaper rent and utilities. Everything is going pretty good so far. He's pretty knowledgeable about technology, which has really helped us out. He is also how we ended up with the Internet at our house and was responsible for 99% of its setup and fixing. There's something about where we live that just makes signals shitty.
I have been ridiculously busy with work pulling normally around 60 hour work weeks. And yes, still getting paid pretty crappy. It's a good thing I like working with kids or I'd be out in a heartbeat.
This past weekend we had a retreat with some of the middle school students who did our program last year and were interested in doing it again this year. The rewards for them are greater but so are the expectations. These students were fun as hell to hang out with. Yeah, they were difficult to get to cooperate but we still had a blast working with them at our retreat.
It's just now becoming fall in Seattle. There is road near my house that has a huge golf course on both sides all the way down it. The road itself is lined with various types of trees that are all changing colors at various rates. It really is an awesome sight.
Last Saturday was my first time at a gay club here in Seattle. I had a lot of fun but apparently I intimidate some people. Some guy came over to me and asked me if I was gay or straight. I told him, "gay, why else would I be here?" And he said that I didn't look gay but that there are some dudes over somewhere to the side of the dance floor who were too chicken to come and talk to me themselves. I didn't sweat it. I wasn't there looking for anything, just for a fun time so I went back to hanging out with the people I came with and had a friggin blast. The walk home, however, wasn't so blast-tastic. I had looked up a late night bus route that I thought could get me close to my house and I even made it down from the club to downtown with enough time to catch the last two pickups from that bus. But it never came! I definitely didn't want to pay for a cab (getting from downtown to my house costs well over $25) so I just walked home. And yeah, it was typical Seattle - raining. I walked all the way from downtown Seattle to Beacon Hill where I live a little inebriated a lot wet. I didn't get home until about 5:30am but I also stopped to talk to a homeless guy along the way and listened to another homeless guy rap to us. Not so safe, eh? But still fun and interesting. I kept passing out along the way home but somehow kept my balance and kept walking. Go figure.
My soccer team is also doing pretty good. I am having a lot of fun with those guys. The only problem is that for the first two games my cleats were too small and screwed up my two big toes. Or rather, my two big toenails. But nails are white and black with the left one having some yellow thrown in. The left one is also puffy around the edges oozes sometimes. It's definitely infected and I have an appointment on Wednesday that should have happened a long time ago. We'll see what comes of that.
I also was able to go down to the food stamp office today and check to see how that was coming along. It turns out that they never got my faxed copies of my forms and that my EBT card has been pushed back yet again until I can bring all of the forms in myself. Which is a bit difficult right now because I left my binder at the retreat place and I am hoping that it just got mixed in with my boss' stuff who was also there. Here's to hoping. All of my completed food stamp stuff was in that folder along with two magazines I wasn't finished with and all of my progress with my Team Leader Coordinator position. I really hope that binder isn't lost.
Today, I did go the Pike Place Market. I got to see the place where they throw fish and all of the little interesting shops there as well. It was really cool and I kept thinking about how much my grandparents would probably like to walk through it.
I really can't think of anything else to add although I'm sure a ton has happened. I like this city, but I haven't come across anything yet that will definitely keep me here after my term at City Year is up.
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