15 Steps towards maximizing your night of completely missing New Year's follow below.
First step:
Sleep late. Get up on New Year's Eve and have just one bowl of extremely hot oatmeal. Not just any oatmeal, but organic oatmeal that your friend (preferably named Jane) left for you when she moved to New York.
Eating this, and only this, is important because you will be low on calories for the day and who can get drunk on a full stomach?
Second Step:
Go work for a few hours just to get your blood pumping and to feel a little sense of being productive. Doing this will also lend you the believability of actually having something to celebrate.
Third Step:
Whip out that huge bottle of wine you bought a couple days before in preparation. If you're like me, it's a white wine that has been chilled. No reds or warms in this house. Open and prepare to enjoy.
Fourth Step:
Crank up some music. For once in your life you have the entirety of the house to yourself. Yes people, all thirteen of my roommates went home for the holidays. I preferred the song "Bossy" by Lindsey Lohan as the mood setter for my night of debauchery.
Fifth Step:
After having drank half of the bottle of wine, look up the next bus that will take you downtown. Go run drunkenly to the bus and ride it. I know, I know, Ginuwine's song "Pony"comes to mind when I mention riding in this paragraph but let's refrain from giving any of the other passengers the most awesome lap dance of their lives while riding down I-5
.Sixth Step:
Skip down one of the many hills in Seattle's downtown area and get lucky by running right into your friends on their way to the same party. Head together as a unit to the site described on the flier.
Seventh Step:
Pay cover to get in. Deal with the random stares and even the occasional comment from some dude that sounds suspiciously like "Oh, no." Find a place to store the group's coats and get in line at the bar!
Eighth Step:
While getting free booze from the bar make sure to flirt with both the man and woman who is running it. They appear to be a couple and this studio-esque place you are in might be where they work.
Ninth Step:
Finish off the party's handle of whiskey. Then start in on the vodka.
Tenth Step:
Hit on friend's boyfriend.
Eleventh Step:
Take numerous drunken photos that will not be remembered the next day.
Twelfth Step:
Black out.
Thirteenth Step:
Wake up on bus #10 at the end of it's route. Respond to the bus driver as eloquently as possible when he asks you "Party too hard?" and then be thankful that he is going to allow you to stay on the bus while he takes his break and then heads back into Seattle.
Fourteenth Step:
Get off the bus randomly. Walk around randomly. Randomly run into 23rd Avenue and start heading north towards the university district.
Fifteenth Step:
Walk all the way home intermittently crying, laughing, and shouting. Bonus points if you can successfully pull off looking like a drunk hobo.
So what's the moral of this story? I guess the only possible one is this: drink responsibly.
I don't remember New Year's happening. There was no kissing at midnight (not like there would have been - my love life sucks). No champagne (I think). Not a lot of fun.
Well okay, that last part was a lie. I always have fun with my friends.
Yeah. So there you have it. Fifteen steps to completely miss your New Year's.
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