The Deepfreeze...!

I'm sitting here, typing all of this up (yeah, this is going to be a long one) while the ice that formed in the cells of my toes thaws, thinking about... you. You being everything. And since my blog is called "Everything is Everything" you are everything. Deep? I know. I'm about as deep as a baby pool in a park in Kansas.

Like I just mentioned, this update is going to be long and it is going to lay out a lot of things that have been floating around in that black space inside my head. Who do you have to thank for this? Whoever the anonymous poster is who wrote on my entry before this one. This individual galvanized me to return to my blog, to get rid of the thoughts of "no one reads it anyways" and to keep it at least as an outlet for myself.

Holidays Baby

Thanksgiving was weeks ago and mine was awesome. I don't know why I didn't write about it until now. I went back to Ohio where my mom lives and spent time with a whole branch of my family. These are people I have not seen since I moved to Seattle. It's amazing to see how much people grow up over the two years outside of their lives. All of my cousins are younger so seeing how much these kids have grown is ridiculous. I guess I now know what adults meant when they always pinched your cheek and exlaimed "My! How you've grown!"

I ate non-stop over Thanksgiving. My portion control during meals wasn't the prblem. The problem was all of the extra food. The cheese and crackers, the salsas and chips, the dips and pretzels, the M&Ms... Jesus, the M&Ms, I had died and gone to ehaven and made sure I was going to eat my heart out. I have no idea how I was able to do the Flying Feather Four Miler on Thanksviging Day. I joined my mom, my stepdad, my uncle, and my aunt on a run of four miles early and cold as a monkey's ass turkey day morning for a four mile run that was televise din Dublin, Ohio. I think I did okay for not training for it and for being laden with food. 112th place out of 2500 people is a pretty good number. 12th in my age group at a pace of 7:31. Hey, at least I was the only person in my group that didn't get beat by an 80 year old woman.

There is also a sad part about going home as well. I see family and the creations that come form it and it breaks my heart. I always wonder if I will have the same thing some day. And the fact that I can't have kids of my own and my partner's (or even get married - sorry Cali) doesn't help to brighten my mood. My youngest brother was talking to me about how he got into an argument with some of his co-workers about the ability to choose if one is gay or not. He said he told his co-workers that you are either born gay or not. I told him he is so right. Truthfully, I would never choose to be gay. I just am.

Christmas is coming up! I couldn't afford a ticket to my dad's and he couldn't afford one either so I will be here for another year. This time, however, I won't have someone to spent it with romantically like I did last year. Although I guess that's kind of a double edged sword since I got "left" the very next day, LOL. Instead, Ronda and I are planning on making ourselves a little feast at her palce and then watching movies all day. The hardest part is going to be finding a working bus route to her house. It hit me Saturday that I am not spending this holiday with family again and my mood really crashed. I'm trying to combat that leaving any cards I get up on a pedestal in my newly redecorated room to open on Christmas day.

Moving Forward

I applied to graduate school officially a couple weeks ago. The step is huge as (I believe I wrote this in a different entry as well) I put all the effort in myself whereas my dad pushed me through applying to undergraduate back in the day. In March, I will find out what course my life will take. I am praying that I get in as this is the career I want and also gives me a new purpose.

But what if I don't get accepted? I applied only to the University of Washington. I don't want to leave Seattle anytime soon. I have way too much that I want to do here before I move on. I honestly don't know where I will go and what I will do if I don't get accepted. I guess I will have to look for some type of real temporary job so I can apply again. This summer someone kept asking me why I didn't work a real job and my excuse was always that I needed my internship and the Gap was flexible with changes in my life. Will that be true next year if I don't get in? Will I want to live the same way I have been living? It has admittedly been very difficult.

All I can really do now is wait and see. I've done everything I was supposed to do. UW will decide the rest.

Civic Engagement

I don't know what the hell City Year did to me while I was a corps member. Maybe they put little micro chips into my brain pushing me towards being involved civically. WTF mate.

I have been infatuated with the idea of Harvey Milk ever since I read an article about him in the Advocate and what it would mean if 1) he hadn't been murdered and 2) if there was a new Harvey Milk for today. And even then, what if I became the new Harvey Milk? Surely I already have the desire to create equality for everyone and the secret life of being gay to make me similar to him. Although, my knowledge of politics is a bit lame. I do, however, know how to fix that: education. But where do you start if you want to at least try to emulate him? Do you do what I have been doing as a volunteer? Do I need to start sitting in on city council meetings and voicing my opninions? Do I need to go visit the different areas of Seattle to learn more thoroughly what each area needs? Is it better to not become Harvey Milk but instead to just be me? I want so badly to create positive change for anyone and everyone but do I need to be someone else to accomplish that?

I'm officially a Team Leader for the Young Heroes program at City Year Seattle/King County. This is basically an adult volunteer position that gets to show up on the Saturday service days with all of the kids I worked with last year while I was a corps member. The difference? I will not have to plan the day or wear the uniform! Working with the kids was always the best part of the job for me. Now, I get to keep doing that while shedding some of the other aspects I didn't necessarily enjoy.

However, I am also more heavily planning service events for the Gap, Inc. in this region. I have some ideas laid out down the road; I just need to act on them. January's event isgoing to be easy: we are doing service in memory of Martin Luther King, Jr. with City Year on MLK day. February... I'm leaning a little towards something along the lines of old people, valentines, and dancing. Hahah! We will see if it all works out. I was also asked this summer why I plan these events for the Gap when I don't get paid for any of it. I do it because I like doing it and, to some extent, what I do is necessary.

I know that I want to stay involved with both service opportunities (Young Heroes Team Leader and Gap Service) but I have also been tossing around the idea of creating a gay version of the Seattle Works groups. I joined the group I am in this year because I saw an ad for them on the Seattle Gay News blog and thought the group was a gay group. Man, was I wrong! I think I am the only gay individual on the team. That's cool, I don't have a problem with that at all and I evenr eally enjoy the people that I have met. It was just not what I was expecting. Gay people like to do service as well. We also know that there are a lot of people out ther ewho do not prefer the gay nightlife scene. Why shouldn't this be an outlet for eople to meet one another and also get something positive done? I may have to get my other obligations in order before I set out with the creation of this but I do already have some individuals who are interested in joining if I set it up. I think the hardest part is just taking the first step.

I've been seeing a lot of ads for the Gentlemen's Fund lately. I like their message and their purpose. I don't know what exactly I'm going for with this but everytime I see one of the ads, I feel the need to get involved. Maybe it's the men in their ads or maybe it's the human side of me.

All is not Groovy

Can we just let something be known: the hipster look is played out. The original has turned into this uniform of fashion where not looking like everyone else is a replay on the grand old game of who's cool and who's not. "Hi! You're wearing the same flannel shirt, tight jeans, and rocker shows that I am! We are so unique and filled with individual style! Let's be friends and shun that girl wearing boots with her sweatpants." Next, you will catch these two comparing their level of coolness based on how everything on their bodies is thrift store bought besides the blue dye in their hair. Uniqueness, in this world of fashion, has become a uniform. It's old. Go visit Capitol Hill in Seattle where you will find the same person with a different name on every street corner. Next look, please.

There has got to be a law against cramming major street corners with "Save the Children" blokes and sheilas. Walking from 7th and Pine to 3rd and Pine you have the very likely chance of being harassed by twenty or so of these fiends. They wouldn't be so bad if they didn't make you feel like shit for turning them down every time. I already am working at saving the children; now stop trying to steal my money, assholes.

There was this movie playing in the break room at the Gap the other day and line by the actress caught my attention "War, death, destruction... here we go." The line may not mean much without the picture: she was flipping through a newspaper landing on the section she wanted about weddings. Why are our newspapers fo silled with Debbie Downers and Negative Nancys? I am so glad I live in this era. I want a front page article about the good that is happening in relation to the holidays. I want to know about scientific advancements made to help people. I wnat to know that this world is worth saving.

All is not so Bahumbug Either

I truly hope that the holidays treat everyone well. Enjoy everything and everyone. I hope I get to see you in 2009! You are everything (did I do a good job of bringing that back from the beginning? LOL) !!!!!