Someone I work with just passed me a SGN (Seattle Gay News) and the front cover was an article about the Governor of Washing (Christine Gregoire) signing a bill into law allowing for Domestic Partnership in the state of Washington. This adds over 170 rights to same sex couples and is second only to states like California, Connecticut, New Jersey, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Oregon in rights available to same sex couples.
Sounds like positive progress to me!
(And another reason to never go home)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A New (or Old) Way of Communicating
Yeah, I'm drunk. I'm writing this post while intoxicated before I head out on the town in Seattle.
Does this reflect positively on me? Probably not. Most people I know think I'm an alcoholic although my drinking is very controlled these days (those who who knew me in college are going to be a bit surprised while those that know me know would be appalled to see who I was in college). This is just me, just who I am.
There is this quote that I heard, I believe from Scott Woods although he got it from someone else, that says "Everyday I wake up with the desire the change the world and the desire to simply sit back and enjoy its majesty." Or something like that. I don't really know and don't really care about the exact wordage right now. However, I struggle with something like this everyday. It's simply a part of my job. Where I work, I struggle with trying to accomplish things as well as allowing the culture that has been cultivated to flourish and show itself.
Everyday I put together something for the kids I work with. I love all of them with all of my heart. I think I've always been a softy with a bit of a trouble maker side. All I want for all of them is the best out of life and somehow, through my twisted mind, I feel like I know what that is and I can direct them to the "correct" path. I don't really know where this paragraph (or, fuck, this entire post, is going) but whatever. We've had some of our students quit the program recently and it has been
...
The above was as far as I got before I was too drunk to continue. I can only assume that I forgot about what I was writing and decided going out was more important.
We have had some students quit lately. Part of that is because of outside influences. Actually, the majority of their reasons for quitting are because of outside reasons. Parents are no longer able to commit to bringing their kids every Saturday. Some have joined sports teams. Some have decided that they would rather sleep in and watch cartoons.
Who knows. All I can say is that our enrollment is down and our team is spread too thin among everything we have to do to really focus on remedying this.
Last week (the week before the Saturday night that I started writing this drunken post) was hell. We had an event Thursday night called Heroes Showcase to plan, a service day on Saturday called Roots of Poverty, meeting with our nationals representative, and I also had to continue planning for my last committee responsibility Dreams for Rainier Beach High School on Friday. I was also asked to help out with an event on Wednesday night and represent City Year at a GSBA dinner. However, my Dreams lead wouldn't let me go. I had to stay at the office and go over absolutely everything in preparation for Dreams on Friday.
If this is grownup life, I am not a fan.
On a good note, I have a job interview this Friday with a child development program here in Seattle. I am so glad that I have at least taken the time to line something else up for post-City Year. At least it makes it that much more real that I will not be doing City Year again and that there are other options outside of CY.
Soccer has been going better than ever and I've made a ton of improvements to my game. One noticeable thing is my tendency to play offense. I was always a defender when I was younger but now, I love playing forward and mid-field. I was never really given the option of playing up back in the day and now I am kind of wondering why not. Well, I probably know the reason, I'm in a lot better shape now than when I was younger, even when I was in high school. I absolutely love this game. I so wish I had been good enough to play this sport professionally! haha
Next week I am going back to Missouri for my fraternity's alumni weekend and I am absolutely stoked. Shit, I already have an outfit for it as well. I can't wait to see everyone and crash our old haunts again.
Last Saturday was crazy. I went out with Art and we hit up his old favorites Madison Pub, Cuff, and Neighbors (okay, well, Neighbors isn't one of his favorite places - but we did have a hot dog from a vendor right afterwards, which he loved). I saw people I knew at each place we went to so I felt a bit like a big deal. Although, at Neighbors, the two individuals I saw were Brady and Mario. Neither of whom talk to me anymore. I avoided both of them while there and am pretty sure they never saw me. Well, that's a lie. One of the guys in Brady's group was pointing my direction and that could have lead Brady to see me. I was successful in avoiding contact and convinced Art to leave shortly afterwards. I realized sometime that night how comfortable I was with Art, both intoxicated and not so much intoxicated. I seem to compare a lot of the guys I meet with him. Which is weird. I am way more comfortable around him than I was even with Michael and I spent more time with Michael than I did with Art during that time in my life. Art is the first guy I met here outside of City Year and most definitely the first one I have liked. I think that originally, we did not advance because of me and now the two of us are so busy and on to different things and different people that we won't be able to be anything but friends. It's a bit sad, hah, because he's an awesome guy. Guess that's what I get right? Karma!
The night that I started writing this post, I was admittedly drunk before I went out. I was going to see if I could brave the Cuff on my own but chickened out as soon as I got to Capitol Hill. I went to Rplace (an old favorite of mine) on my own. I have done this before, but I normally don't like to be on my own in places like this. I felt pretty comfortable, however, and I didn't get wasted, which was a huge bonus (and boost to my personal goals). I noticed that some guys near where I was hanging out kept watching me and I was absolutely not attracted to any of them. I refused to make eye contact and put on my best "I dare you to try and approach me"-look. I think it worked, because they never did. Eventually, some guy came me and this group pounced on him. Apparently, some of them work with him and already knew him. I was, however, attracted to him. They talked with him a bit and then he came over to me and introduced himself.
I spent the rest of the night talking to this guy (named Kris) and had a really good time. We danced to one song, talk some more, and then left. He was too drunk to drive so we went to his friend's place and crashed on a couch. I spent the next morning with him and his friend. We went to breakfast and then home. I also went to his house and stayed over Sunday night as well. I like the guy quite a bit and am definitely down for seeing where things go with him. I make it clear that I am only interested in dating these days and possibly starting a relationship; he shares that aspect as well. I'm not going to let my introvertedness screw another thing up for me. This one, I am going to try hard to just be me right off the bat.
I'll let you know how that goes.
On Being Gay:
I have always prided myself on being unidentifiable as a gay man. That I appear straight and that I act straight. That my gayness is not something you would be able to stereotype me with.
I have always looked down on typical gay guys. I have been discriminating towards people exactly like me. Exactly like me in their lifestyle if not in personality and action. I have looked down on feminism in men and despised any type of flamboyant behavior.
Lately, I have been trying to figure out why. Why are there pride bracelets? Why are there pride parades? It's true that I definitely do not think these things should have to be here. However, they are, and that has finally made it past my walls to get me to wonder why. Why are things like this around?
It's because they have to be. People who are not universally accepted feel a need to be steadfast in the face of oppression. Pride bracelets, emblems, shirts, parades, bumper stickers, necklaces, rings, window decals, etc. are all here because they need to be. An entire community of people are still being limited and oppressed. This community has the right and the privilege to stand up for themselves. If standing up for yourself can be done as peacefully as this, who has any right to be like me and look derisively upon these items or actions? No one has that right.
How wrong I have been
I'm buying a damn pride bracelet.
On Racism:
This same point of view needs to be something adopted by the Caucasian community as it stands in the United States. It's no lie that a lot of what people consider racism extends primarily to "white" people (classification based on colors is completely stupid - I am not white, thanks). Many Caucasian Americans do not see the need for programs, scholarships, and other incentives for people who are considered minorities. The simple fact is that these things do need to exist
because there are still old traditionally inept individuals who haven't received the memo that racism and racist behaviors are things of the past. Or, at least they should be. Caucasian people have no difficulties in job placements (hah, except at City Year! sorry Caucasian females!) or school advancement. The Caucasian community tends to protect its own above all others and severely limits the opportunities for individuals of other ethnic backgrounds.
The first step is always self awareness.
"I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within." - India Arie
Does this reflect positively on me? Probably not. Most people I know think I'm an alcoholic although my drinking is very controlled these days (those who who knew me in college are going to be a bit surprised while those that know me know would be appalled to see who I was in college). This is just me, just who I am.
There is this quote that I heard, I believe from Scott Woods although he got it from someone else, that says "Everyday I wake up with the desire the change the world and the desire to simply sit back and enjoy its majesty." Or something like that. I don't really know and don't really care about the exact wordage right now. However, I struggle with something like this everyday. It's simply a part of my job. Where I work, I struggle with trying to accomplish things as well as allowing the culture that has been cultivated to flourish and show itself.
Everyday I put together something for the kids I work with. I love all of them with all of my heart. I think I've always been a softy with a bit of a trouble maker side. All I want for all of them is the best out of life and somehow, through my twisted mind, I feel like I know what that is and I can direct them to the "correct" path. I don't really know where this paragraph (or, fuck, this entire post, is going) but whatever. We've had some of our students quit the program recently and it has been
...
The above was as far as I got before I was too drunk to continue. I can only assume that I forgot about what I was writing and decided going out was more important.
We have had some students quit lately. Part of that is because of outside influences. Actually, the majority of their reasons for quitting are because of outside reasons. Parents are no longer able to commit to bringing their kids every Saturday. Some have joined sports teams. Some have decided that they would rather sleep in and watch cartoons.
Who knows. All I can say is that our enrollment is down and our team is spread too thin among everything we have to do to really focus on remedying this.
Last week (the week before the Saturday night that I started writing this drunken post) was hell. We had an event Thursday night called Heroes Showcase to plan, a service day on Saturday called Roots of Poverty, meeting with our nationals representative, and I also had to continue planning for my last committee responsibility Dreams for Rainier Beach High School on Friday. I was also asked to help out with an event on Wednesday night and represent City Year at a GSBA dinner. However, my Dreams lead wouldn't let me go. I had to stay at the office and go over absolutely everything in preparation for Dreams on Friday.
If this is grownup life, I am not a fan.
On a good note, I have a job interview this Friday with a child development program here in Seattle. I am so glad that I have at least taken the time to line something else up for post-City Year. At least it makes it that much more real that I will not be doing City Year again and that there are other options outside of CY.
Soccer has been going better than ever and I've made a ton of improvements to my game. One noticeable thing is my tendency to play offense. I was always a defender when I was younger but now, I love playing forward and mid-field. I was never really given the option of playing up back in the day and now I am kind of wondering why not. Well, I probably know the reason, I'm in a lot better shape now than when I was younger, even when I was in high school. I absolutely love this game. I so wish I had been good enough to play this sport professionally! haha
Next week I am going back to Missouri for my fraternity's alumni weekend and I am absolutely stoked. Shit, I already have an outfit for it as well. I can't wait to see everyone and crash our old haunts again.
Last Saturday was crazy. I went out with Art and we hit up his old favorites Madison Pub, Cuff, and Neighbors (okay, well, Neighbors isn't one of his favorite places - but we did have a hot dog from a vendor right afterwards, which he loved). I saw people I knew at each place we went to so I felt a bit like a big deal. Although, at Neighbors, the two individuals I saw were Brady and Mario. Neither of whom talk to me anymore. I avoided both of them while there and am pretty sure they never saw me. Well, that's a lie. One of the guys in Brady's group was pointing my direction and that could have lead Brady to see me. I was successful in avoiding contact and convinced Art to leave shortly afterwards. I realized sometime that night how comfortable I was with Art, both intoxicated and not so much intoxicated. I seem to compare a lot of the guys I meet with him. Which is weird. I am way more comfortable around him than I was even with Michael and I spent more time with Michael than I did with Art during that time in my life. Art is the first guy I met here outside of City Year and most definitely the first one I have liked. I think that originally, we did not advance because of me and now the two of us are so busy and on to different things and different people that we won't be able to be anything but friends. It's a bit sad, hah, because he's an awesome guy. Guess that's what I get right? Karma!
The night that I started writing this post, I was admittedly drunk before I went out. I was going to see if I could brave the Cuff on my own but chickened out as soon as I got to Capitol Hill. I went to Rplace (an old favorite of mine) on my own. I have done this before, but I normally don't like to be on my own in places like this. I felt pretty comfortable, however, and I didn't get wasted, which was a huge bonus (and boost to my personal goals). I noticed that some guys near where I was hanging out kept watching me and I was absolutely not attracted to any of them. I refused to make eye contact and put on my best "I dare you to try and approach me"-look. I think it worked, because they never did. Eventually, some guy came me and this group pounced on him. Apparently, some of them work with him and already knew him. I was, however, attracted to him. They talked with him a bit and then he came over to me and introduced himself.
I spent the rest of the night talking to this guy (named Kris) and had a really good time. We danced to one song, talk some more, and then left. He was too drunk to drive so we went to his friend's place and crashed on a couch. I spent the next morning with him and his friend. We went to breakfast and then home. I also went to his house and stayed over Sunday night as well. I like the guy quite a bit and am definitely down for seeing where things go with him. I make it clear that I am only interested in dating these days and possibly starting a relationship; he shares that aspect as well. I'm not going to let my introvertedness screw another thing up for me. This one, I am going to try hard to just be me right off the bat.
I'll let you know how that goes.
On Being Gay:
I have always prided myself on being unidentifiable as a gay man. That I appear straight and that I act straight. That my gayness is not something you would be able to stereotype me with.
I have always looked down on typical gay guys. I have been discriminating towards people exactly like me. Exactly like me in their lifestyle if not in personality and action. I have looked down on feminism in men and despised any type of flamboyant behavior.
Lately, I have been trying to figure out why. Why are there pride bracelets? Why are there pride parades? It's true that I definitely do not think these things should have to be here. However, they are, and that has finally made it past my walls to get me to wonder why. Why are things like this around?
It's because they have to be. People who are not universally accepted feel a need to be steadfast in the face of oppression. Pride bracelets, emblems, shirts, parades, bumper stickers, necklaces, rings, window decals, etc. are all here because they need to be. An entire community of people are still being limited and oppressed. This community has the right and the privilege to stand up for themselves. If standing up for yourself can be done as peacefully as this, who has any right to be like me and look derisively upon these items or actions? No one has that right.
How wrong I have been
I'm buying a damn pride bracelet.
On Racism:
This same point of view needs to be something adopted by the Caucasian community as it stands in the United States. It's no lie that a lot of what people consider racism extends primarily to "white" people (classification based on colors is completely stupid - I am not white, thanks). Many Caucasian Americans do not see the need for programs, scholarships, and other incentives for people who are considered minorities. The simple fact is that these things do need to exist
because there are still old traditionally inept individuals who haven't received the memo that racism and racist behaviors are things of the past. Or, at least they should be. Caucasian people have no difficulties in job placements (hah, except at City Year! sorry Caucasian females!) or school advancement. The Caucasian community tends to protect its own above all others and severely limits the opportunities for individuals of other ethnic backgrounds.The first step is always self awareness.
"I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within." - India Arie
Friday, March 07, 2008
Notifications
So, this week has been going pretty much like normal. Working a lot and attempting to stay positive about things. I've been successful, pretty much, about staying positive towards how much I work and how very little free time I have. We've even been able to get ahead as far as Saturday Service Learning planning. That alone is a huge improvement.
Tonight on the bus ride home, I think I slept (or passed out) for a minute or two (I am so freaking tired all the time!) and when I woke up, my eyes were immediately drawn to a man and woman sitting across from me. I had noticed when the two had both sat there and was pretty sure that they were not together. However, the man's hand was right up next to the woman's butt and it looked like he had one of his fingers in her back pocket. I immediately thought that my first observation was wrong (I am a pretty observant fella when I'm not drunk). I didn't really pay it any mind until the woman got up, alone, and moved to an open seat towards the front of the bus.
Then things started to click: this man was actually being a butt head. A real live butt head sitting right across from me!
I thought: "Wow, so this is one of those men that gives the rest of us bad reputations."
He compounded the issue when he gathered up this obnoxious suitcase (it was freaking unzipped, mind you, on a metro bus) and slid over into her old seat. I was like "Is he really going to do what I think he's going to do?"
Yes, he was. He got up when the bus started moving again (this is two stops after the woman has moved) and sat right next to her in the front. The look she gave him was priceless. She wasted absolutely no time in moving back into her old seat directly across from me (if you are not familiar with buses, there are some seats that run along the bus where the passengers face one another and have their knees towards the isle - this is where we were sitting on our bus). The man stayed where she left him the second time, thankfully, but he totally succeeded in turning her off.
Here's your notification, fella: You, sir, are a douche bag.
Another interesting thing happened today. I called my mom to tell her some good news and during the conversation she accidentally let it slip that my brother, Jake, is getting married. Apparently he asked his current girlfriend (now his fiance?) to marry him over Christmas. She only found out a week ago when he needed to get some information from her (how to spell her ridiculously Polish maiden name) and did so via email.
What the fuck? Is that how you tell your mom that you're getting married? I know that our mom hasn't particularly been around for most of our lives, but we were raised to be better than that. We were fucking raised to be gentlemen (yeah I know, I fail, but he didn't until this shit).
Then I realized... this fucker hadn't even told me! I'm his damn brother! The ONLY person on this planet with almost the exact same DNA as his shitty ass, the ONLY person on this planet who put with him for the entire time he's been alive, and the ONLY person who knows exactly what kind of life he has lived.
What the fuck?
I haven't seriously talked to Jake since I came to Seattle. I've called, numerous times, once even got to talk to him only to find out that he only wanted to get our mom's information from me. He promptly hung up afterwards. Then, another time, I talked to him for all of five minutes until he said he was going to hang up so he can call his girlfriend. That's only listing the two times I've had a conversation with Jake since I moved here in August. There are also many other times where I called and never received a call back.
So, I gave up. His ass can call me. One thing that you need to know about me is that I'm not a chaser. I don't go after people after a certain amount of effort. If they are not willing to respond back in kind, or at least show interest, then I stop putting forth the effort. I tried hard with Jake because he's my damn brother. The only sibling of five that I am really really close to.
I called my dad to find out how long he's known. Apparently, he knew way back before Christmas even that the two of them were talking about getting married. And he also knew when she said yes. What the hell!? Am I crazy!? Is this normal!? How the fuck can you keep something like this a secret?
My own damn brother is getting married and NO ONE WANTS TO TELL ME!
Jake, here's your notification: You, brother, have just become a douche bag as well.
On a lighter note: I got some great news while at work today.
There is an event coming up for City Year called Ripples of Hope. It's a gala type of event; basically, a really big deal. All of the corps members have certain roles to play during this event but none of us really knew about there being important roles as well. I signed up for networking and to be placed at one of the dinner tables to keep guests company.
This event is supposed to be huge and I didn't want to miss a chance to get my name out there. Screw not knowing these people, I was going to whore myself out socially.
However, I may not really get a decision in this.
My boss comes up to me today and asks if he can speak to me. I think I'm in trouble again, but go along with it. He tells me that me and another corps member (I'm not sure if she knows yet, so I am not going to put her name on here) have been selected to present an award to a pretty well known individual.
The Bill Gates Foundation has a done a lot of terrific things. So terrific, that I am not even really sure what they are! But, it looks like I'm going to have to find out since I, and this other corps member, will be presenting the award to the current presidents of this organization Bill and Minnie Gates (the dad and stepmother of the famously rich Bill Gates). That means, she and I will be standing up on stage with these two while a whole array of guest speakers talk about them and then we will thank them, present them with awards and CY jackets, and pose in pictures with them. Wow. What's more is that she and I will also be sitting at their table for the dinner and engaging everyone in conversation for the night. Holy shit. Here's me, barely making it paycheck to paycheck suddenly being seated with and conversing with people who could buy a billion people like me. Much less totally trump all of the good I've done with the tremendous amounts of positive changed they've affected. Talk about overwhelming.
But that's not it.
After letting a bit of that settle in, my boss opens up a folder and inside there is a picture of me with my first name next to it and a quote about why I serve that I had written awhile ago.
I am the new freaking poster boy for City Year...!
Or, at least, City Year Seattle/King County.
How do things like this happen? Why was I chosen? The kids are the only thing that keep me going, not the organization, yet here I am, about to have my face plastered on a poster with something mushy written next to it. I am amazed.
And I will admit, I almost cried when I found out.
Here's my notification: You, Josh, have got a lot more work to do before you can die.
Adios.
Tonight on the bus ride home, I think I slept (or passed out) for a minute or two (I am so freaking tired all the time!) and when I woke up, my eyes were immediately drawn to a man and woman sitting across from me. I had noticed when the two had both sat there and was pretty sure that they were not together. However, the man's hand was right up next to the woman's butt and it looked like he had one of his fingers in her back pocket. I immediately thought that my first observation was wrong (I am a pretty observant fella when I'm not drunk). I didn't really pay it any mind until the woman got up, alone, and moved to an open seat towards the front of the bus.
Then things started to click: this man was actually being a butt head. A real live butt head sitting right across from me!
I thought: "Wow, so this is one of those men that gives the rest of us bad reputations."
He compounded the issue when he gathered up this obnoxious suitcase (it was freaking unzipped, mind you, on a metro bus) and slid over into her old seat. I was like "Is he really going to do what I think he's going to do?"
Yes, he was. He got up when the bus started moving again (this is two stops after the woman has moved) and sat right next to her in the front. The look she gave him was priceless. She wasted absolutely no time in moving back into her old seat directly across from me (if you are not familiar with buses, there are some seats that run along the bus where the passengers face one another and have their knees towards the isle - this is where we were sitting on our bus). The man stayed where she left him the second time, thankfully, but he totally succeeded in turning her off.
Here's your notification, fella: You, sir, are a douche bag.
Another interesting thing happened today. I called my mom to tell her some good news and during the conversation she accidentally let it slip that my brother, Jake, is getting married. Apparently he asked his current girlfriend (now his fiance?) to marry him over Christmas. She only found out a week ago when he needed to get some information from her (how to spell her ridiculously Polish maiden name) and did so via email.
What the fuck? Is that how you tell your mom that you're getting married? I know that our mom hasn't particularly been around for most of our lives, but we were raised to be better than that. We were fucking raised to be gentlemen (yeah I know, I fail, but he didn't until this shit).
Then I realized... this fucker hadn't even told me! I'm his damn brother! The ONLY person on this planet with almost the exact same DNA as his shitty ass, the ONLY person on this planet who put with him for the entire time he's been alive, and the ONLY person who knows exactly what kind of life he has lived.
What the fuck?
I haven't seriously talked to Jake since I came to Seattle. I've called, numerous times, once even got to talk to him only to find out that he only wanted to get our mom's information from me. He promptly hung up afterwards. Then, another time, I talked to him for all of five minutes until he said he was going to hang up so he can call his girlfriend. That's only listing the two times I've had a conversation with Jake since I moved here in August. There are also many other times where I called and never received a call back.
So, I gave up. His ass can call me. One thing that you need to know about me is that I'm not a chaser. I don't go after people after a certain amount of effort. If they are not willing to respond back in kind, or at least show interest, then I stop putting forth the effort. I tried hard with Jake because he's my damn brother. The only sibling of five that I am really really close to.
I called my dad to find out how long he's known. Apparently, he knew way back before Christmas even that the two of them were talking about getting married. And he also knew when she said yes. What the hell!? Am I crazy!? Is this normal!? How the fuck can you keep something like this a secret?
My own damn brother is getting married and NO ONE WANTS TO TELL ME!
Jake, here's your notification: You, brother, have just become a douche bag as well.
On a lighter note: I got some great news while at work today.
There is an event coming up for City Year called Ripples of Hope. It's a gala type of event; basically, a really big deal. All of the corps members have certain roles to play during this event but none of us really knew about there being important roles as well. I signed up for networking and to be placed at one of the dinner tables to keep guests company.
This event is supposed to be huge and I didn't want to miss a chance to get my name out there. Screw not knowing these people, I was going to whore myself out socially.
However, I may not really get a decision in this.
My boss comes up to me today and asks if he can speak to me. I think I'm in trouble again, but go along with it. He tells me that me and another corps member (I'm not sure if she knows yet, so I am not going to put her name on here) have been selected to present an award to a pretty well known individual.
The Bill Gates Foundation has a done a lot of terrific things. So terrific, that I am not even really sure what they are! But, it looks like I'm going to have to find out since I, and this other corps member, will be presenting the award to the current presidents of this organization Bill and Minnie Gates (the dad and stepmother of the famously rich Bill Gates). That means, she and I will be standing up on stage with these two while a whole array of guest speakers talk about them and then we will thank them, present them with awards and CY jackets, and pose in pictures with them. Wow. What's more is that she and I will also be sitting at their table for the dinner and engaging everyone in conversation for the night. Holy shit. Here's me, barely making it paycheck to paycheck suddenly being seated with and conversing with people who could buy a billion people like me. Much less totally trump all of the good I've done with the tremendous amounts of positive changed they've affected. Talk about overwhelming.
But that's not it.
After letting a bit of that settle in, my boss opens up a folder and inside there is a picture of me with my first name next to it and a quote about why I serve that I had written awhile ago.
I am the new freaking poster boy for City Year...!
Or, at least, City Year Seattle/King County.
How do things like this happen? Why was I chosen? The kids are the only thing that keep me going, not the organization, yet here I am, about to have my face plastered on a poster with something mushy written next to it. I am amazed.
And I will admit, I almost cried when I found out.
Here's my notification: You, Josh, have got a lot more work to do before you can die.
Adios.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
My kids
God, I love them.
And since none of them will ever have access to this blog, I can name my favorites!
Jorge and Gustavo are probably my favorite two. These two little guys I just want to flat out adopt. Fuckin right, they are amazing.
RJ has been one of my favorites since the beginning. This dude is going to be like the president or something someday. He is so great, I swear to you.
My Linh is also a shit ton of fun. She's like the perfect girl, I kid you not.
Tanner is pretty cool too. He gets picked on all the time, but if any of those other kids would just get to know him, they would be amazed at what he knows and what his aspirations are.
Darby is fuckin amazing too. This kid is hilarious and should have been born when I was so we could have been best friends. Hands down.
Bailey is awesome too. I am telling you now that she is going to be some kick ass runner for the USA Olympic team someday.
I love my kids.
I love how they can make everything so bright and shiny.
And since none of them will ever have access to this blog, I can name my favorites!
Jorge and Gustavo are probably my favorite two. These two little guys I just want to flat out adopt. Fuckin right, they are amazing.
RJ has been one of my favorites since the beginning. This dude is going to be like the president or something someday. He is so great, I swear to you.
My Linh is also a shit ton of fun. She's like the perfect girl, I kid you not.
Tanner is pretty cool too. He gets picked on all the time, but if any of those other kids would just get to know him, they would be amazed at what he knows and what his aspirations are.
Darby is fuckin amazing too. This kid is hilarious and should have been born when I was so we could have been best friends. Hands down.
Bailey is awesome too. I am telling you now that she is going to be some kick ass runner for the USA Olympic team someday.
I love my kids.
I love how they can make everything so bright and shiny.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Posting is Posting
Haha, what the fuck was up with my last posting? Wait, I know. Getting lost for two hours after a complete and utter shut down is enough to break anyone's mood.
As far as life goes, I'm stressed out to the max. I'm working a ton for both jobs and my personality, mood, outlook, etc. is completely taking a plunge.
I'm back at that "I hate everything about City Year" phase again. I detest the uniform, the office work, the stupid games we play, all of it. All I want to do is give it up. I hate being labeled as a quitter, but didn't I once say that "have fun with whatever you are doing because if you aren't having fun, it's not worth doing"? I am pretty sure I did. I know it's a motto that I live by, so I must have declared it at some point in my life. Right now, City Year is not fun. All I want is for it be over. And I could accomplish that. I could stop showing up to City Year tomorrow. Completely erase it from my life.
One thing keeps me going.
My kids. My students, I love them. God, how ridiculous it is that my entire day is brightened by these young people. How amazing that simply being around them on a Saturday will make everything okay and golden. I admit it, I love my kids. Like I wrote, they are the only thing keeping me attached to City Year. It's not like I didn't know that CY was going to be rough. I mean hell, one of their "PITW"s even states: "City Year is hard. Be strong." I should have known that I wasn't ready for what I would be getting myself into. All I want is to hang out with the kids. I don't want any of the other bullshit that has to come along with that.
One of my roommates was driving me home from work today and I said I would be quitting. I had just gotten out of a meeting with my entire team and I was in complete hate mode. Through the talking and all of the other crap on the way back, I kept considering the weight of me leaving. Curriculum would be down a member, my team would be down a member, my kids would no longer have me there... any number of things. On one hand, I could finally focus on myself like I really want to. On the other, I could still get to see my kids almost every weekend. I ultimately decided that the kids completely made quitting not an option. I won't and I can't. Only for the kids, though. Not for my boss, not my service leader, and not even my team (sorry folks).
I am only here for them. That uniform is for them. The office shit is for them. The meetings is for them. The humility is for them. The shutting my mouth is for them. The old Josh would not approve, all of this for kids. And here's me, an individual who will not ever be able to have any of his own.
As far as that side of my life goes, some things are over, some are stagnant, and some new things are coming up.
Brady is gone, I believe. Although I'm not sure if it was me or him that made that decision. The entire thing is/was very much in limbo.
Rudy is confusing, although when I talked to a close friend who also knows him, I was reassured that the things he does he has always done. Basically, he never responds and is even considered a player by some people. Wonderful! Exactly who I want to do things with!
Josh is a bit off the wall, I think. Every time I see him something huge is going on. I don't know if I would like to be in that situation again, so I haven't been allowing myself to get close to him. Soon he will probably figure that out and get rid of me.
Travis is just Travis. He did come to our last game and I even invited him to go out with me that night. Although he never said no, he never said yes either and was gone before the rest of the team was done socializing at our after game hangout spot. That man, I swear, he's hard to read.
Jack is no longer an option like I thought he was. It actually turns out that he's straight. And has a girlfriend. I got my signals crossed. Haha, who would have known.
You know, I just wrote something, then deleted it, then re-wrote it, then deleted it again. Why? This is supposed to be my personal space. An area where I can air my laundry and get shit out. I can type whatever the fuck I want.
Chase is new to the scene kinda. He's Michael's roommate and someone who recently told me he has had a crush on me since he first met me when I was with Mike. We hung out last weekend (with other people too) and we ended up hooking up that night. You may think that there are a lot of guy names on here, but I rarely do anything serious with any of them. It's just my style. I don't know where this is going, although I have a feeling that it will be platonic. Possibly even as fuck buddies. As far as him being my ex's roommate, well, I guess we will always have to use my place, eh?
I also went home with Art Saturday night, but did not do anything too bad. Art is Art and will always be Art. He holds a little something special in my heart as being the first guy I met here in Seattle.
John is also new. It's strange how we met as it was through Facebook. There's this whole "interested" application thing that allows people to see what others who also have the application look like. He and I apparently clicked "Yes" on each other and Facebook identified us as a match. A poke war began with his initializing and with me finally messaging him. We chatted for a bit on AIM and then met this past week. Now this guy, I like quite a bit. Our humor is very similar and we fit on many more levels. The one thing is that he is leaving Seattle in May. My mind thinks: Why even try if my ultimate goal is a lasting relationship? The response that my heart gives is: Which is better, to ignore something that could be amazing even if it lasts only for a short while, or to embrace and experience that amazing-ness and remember it forever? To remember.
I'm sticking with the heart on this one, he better too.
I'm such a romantic sap.
Cheers. Off to the second job.
As far as life goes, I'm stressed out to the max. I'm working a ton for both jobs and my personality, mood, outlook, etc. is completely taking a plunge.
I'm back at that "I hate everything about City Year" phase again. I detest the uniform, the office work, the stupid games we play, all of it. All I want to do is give it up. I hate being labeled as a quitter, but didn't I once say that "have fun with whatever you are doing because if you aren't having fun, it's not worth doing"? I am pretty sure I did. I know it's a motto that I live by, so I must have declared it at some point in my life. Right now, City Year is not fun. All I want is for it be over. And I could accomplish that. I could stop showing up to City Year tomorrow. Completely erase it from my life.
One thing keeps me going.
My kids. My students, I love them. God, how ridiculous it is that my entire day is brightened by these young people. How amazing that simply being around them on a Saturday will make everything okay and golden. I admit it, I love my kids. Like I wrote, they are the only thing keeping me attached to City Year. It's not like I didn't know that CY was going to be rough. I mean hell, one of their "PITW"s even states: "City Year is hard. Be strong." I should have known that I wasn't ready for what I would be getting myself into. All I want is to hang out with the kids. I don't want any of the other bullshit that has to come along with that.
One of my roommates was driving me home from work today and I said I would be quitting. I had just gotten out of a meeting with my entire team and I was in complete hate mode. Through the talking and all of the other crap on the way back, I kept considering the weight of me leaving. Curriculum would be down a member, my team would be down a member, my kids would no longer have me there... any number of things. On one hand, I could finally focus on myself like I really want to. On the other, I could still get to see my kids almost every weekend. I ultimately decided that the kids completely made quitting not an option. I won't and I can't. Only for the kids, though. Not for my boss, not my service leader, and not even my team (sorry folks).
I am only here for them. That uniform is for them. The office shit is for them. The meetings is for them. The humility is for them. The shutting my mouth is for them. The old Josh would not approve, all of this for kids. And here's me, an individual who will not ever be able to have any of his own.
As far as that side of my life goes, some things are over, some are stagnant, and some new things are coming up.
Brady is gone, I believe. Although I'm not sure if it was me or him that made that decision. The entire thing is/was very much in limbo.
Rudy is confusing, although when I talked to a close friend who also knows him, I was reassured that the things he does he has always done. Basically, he never responds and is even considered a player by some people. Wonderful! Exactly who I want to do things with!
Josh is a bit off the wall, I think. Every time I see him something huge is going on. I don't know if I would like to be in that situation again, so I haven't been allowing myself to get close to him. Soon he will probably figure that out and get rid of me.
Travis is just Travis. He did come to our last game and I even invited him to go out with me that night. Although he never said no, he never said yes either and was gone before the rest of the team was done socializing at our after game hangout spot. That man, I swear, he's hard to read.
Jack is no longer an option like I thought he was. It actually turns out that he's straight. And has a girlfriend. I got my signals crossed. Haha, who would have known.
You know, I just wrote something, then deleted it, then re-wrote it, then deleted it again. Why? This is supposed to be my personal space. An area where I can air my laundry and get shit out. I can type whatever the fuck I want.
Chase is new to the scene kinda. He's Michael's roommate and someone who recently told me he has had a crush on me since he first met me when I was with Mike. We hung out last weekend (with other people too) and we ended up hooking up that night. You may think that there are a lot of guy names on here, but I rarely do anything serious with any of them. It's just my style. I don't know where this is going, although I have a feeling that it will be platonic. Possibly even as fuck buddies. As far as him being my ex's roommate, well, I guess we will always have to use my place, eh?
I also went home with Art Saturday night, but did not do anything too bad. Art is Art and will always be Art. He holds a little something special in my heart as being the first guy I met here in Seattle.
John is also new. It's strange how we met as it was through Facebook. There's this whole "interested" application thing that allows people to see what others who also have the application look like. He and I apparently clicked "Yes" on each other and Facebook identified us as a match. A poke war began with his initializing and with me finally messaging him. We chatted for a bit on AIM and then met this past week. Now this guy, I like quite a bit. Our humor is very similar and we fit on many more levels. The one thing is that he is leaving Seattle in May. My mind thinks: Why even try if my ultimate goal is a lasting relationship? The response that my heart gives is: Which is better, to ignore something that could be amazing even if it lasts only for a short while, or to embrace and experience that amazing-ness and remember it forever? To remember.
I'm sticking with the heart on this one, he better too.
I'm such a romantic sap.
Cheers. Off to the second job.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Life
I have updates to post, but tonight, I was prompted to post really quick before I pass out due to a realization.
There are some people in my life, who I deem to be very important, who could maybe only qualify as a acquaintances.
I got lost tonight trying to escape a situation that was starting to just be dumb. Three is more than a crowd, duh. As if the texting wasn't plainly obvious.
On my attempt to get home, I got hopelessly lost. I went through my phone, calling some people and ignoring calling others. Those that I didn't call, I knew would not pick up.
That's the problem. Would they not pick up because of the time or is it because we're not good enough friends to help a brother out when he needs it the most?
I think it's way more of the latter.
There are some people in my life, who I deem to be very important, who could maybe only qualify as a acquaintances.
I got lost tonight trying to escape a situation that was starting to just be dumb. Three is more than a crowd, duh. As if the texting wasn't plainly obvious.
On my attempt to get home, I got hopelessly lost. I went through my phone, calling some people and ignoring calling others. Those that I didn't call, I knew would not pick up.
That's the problem. Would they not pick up because of the time or is it because we're not good enough friends to help a brother out when he needs it the most?
I think it's way more of the latter.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Failing
Failing has always been one of the hardest things for me to live with. Fear of failure has kept me back so many times in my life.
Lately, I've started failing while working.
My desire to help has been lagging behind in the amount of work I have to do. It's true that City Year is difficult, in fact, much more difficult than I had originally thought it would be. I had problems earlier while working for CY and now it seems they might be coming back. My tolerance, patience, understanding, and acceptance is completely bottomed out. My frustration, annoyance, anger, and difficulty is topped off. A sad aspect of this is that I can already tell it's starting to affect my team again. Will I ever get over my own shit?
I keep telling people that the only thing that keeps me working for City Year are the kids I have in the program. Without them I would quit. Well, that's what I keep spouting to anyone who will listen. Being labeled as a quitter is something I also abhor.
Lately, it's been harder to even work with my kids. I don't know what's going on in my head, but all I keep thinking is "These kids don't want my help. They don't want their teacher's help. Why do we try? What's the point in being here and taking our time to try to help them out? These kids don't care about the varying levels of higher education only a city away. They don't give a shit that we want them to be successful and to reap everything out of life. They don't give a damn about the complete lack of compensation corps members receive to put up with their shit all day. Why the fuck am I here if I'm not wanted?"
It's hard justifying going to work everyday to myself. I start to put on our uniform and things just go straight downhill. My thoughts always turn towards what I could be doing with myself and my life. Money I could be making. Security and stability that I could be reinforcing.
And of course, the ease with which I could return back to my hometown and fall into some sort of never ending self-imposed hell.
I absolutely do not want to go back to the Midwest. I absolutely do not want to put myself back into that town.
I want to make waves. I want to have an impact and to be remembered. Not for what I look like or how fun I was, but for what I did, what I accomplished.
Right now I feel like I'm just accomplishing failure.
And it's totally killing my mood.
PS - If you care, Brady seems to have moved out of my life on his own volition. Josh has as well, although I think I had something to do with his direction. Travis seems to be gone as well, although, that could just be because he never gave me his number and he didn't come to our last soccer game. C'est la vie, I guess. However, two new players have entered the scene as well: Rudy and (surprisingly) Jack. You City Year readers will know who he is, ha ha! I'll give more background on their stories later if I end up wanting to do so.
Oops. Hope they were okay with being associated with me avec the internet.
Lately, I've started failing while working.
My desire to help has been lagging behind in the amount of work I have to do. It's true that City Year is difficult, in fact, much more difficult than I had originally thought it would be. I had problems earlier while working for CY and now it seems they might be coming back. My tolerance, patience, understanding, and acceptance is completely bottomed out. My frustration, annoyance, anger, and difficulty is topped off. A sad aspect of this is that I can already tell it's starting to affect my team again. Will I ever get over my own shit?
I keep telling people that the only thing that keeps me working for City Year are the kids I have in the program. Without them I would quit. Well, that's what I keep spouting to anyone who will listen. Being labeled as a quitter is something I also abhor.
Lately, it's been harder to even work with my kids. I don't know what's going on in my head, but all I keep thinking is "These kids don't want my help. They don't want their teacher's help. Why do we try? What's the point in being here and taking our time to try to help them out? These kids don't care about the varying levels of higher education only a city away. They don't give a shit that we want them to be successful and to reap everything out of life. They don't give a damn about the complete lack of compensation corps members receive to put up with their shit all day. Why the fuck am I here if I'm not wanted?"
It's hard justifying going to work everyday to myself. I start to put on our uniform and things just go straight downhill. My thoughts always turn towards what I could be doing with myself and my life. Money I could be making. Security and stability that I could be reinforcing.
And of course, the ease with which I could return back to my hometown and fall into some sort of never ending self-imposed hell.
I absolutely do not want to go back to the Midwest. I absolutely do not want to put myself back into that town.
I want to make waves. I want to have an impact and to be remembered. Not for what I look like or how fun I was, but for what I did, what I accomplished.
Right now I feel like I'm just accomplishing failure.
And it's totally killing my mood.
PS - If you care, Brady seems to have moved out of my life on his own volition. Josh has as well, although I think I had something to do with his direction. Travis seems to be gone as well, although, that could just be because he never gave me his number and he didn't come to our last soccer game. C'est la vie, I guess. However, two new players have entered the scene as well: Rudy and (surprisingly) Jack. You City Year readers will know who he is, ha ha! I'll give more background on their stories later if I end up wanting to do so.
Oops. Hope they were okay with being associated with me avec the internet.
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