Does this reflect positively on me? Probably not. Most people I know think I'm an alcoholic although my drinking is very controlled these days (those who who knew me in college are going to be a bit surprised while those that know me know would be appalled to see who I was in college). This is just me, just who I am.
There is this quote that I heard, I believe from Scott Woods although he got it from someone else, that says "Everyday I wake up with the desire the change the world and the desire to simply sit back and enjoy its majesty." Or something like that. I don't really know and don't really care about the exact wordage right now. However, I struggle with something like this everyday. It's simply a part of my job. Where I work, I struggle with trying to accomplish things as well as allowing the culture that has been cultivated to flourish and show itself.
Everyday I put together something for the kids I work with. I love all of them with all of my heart. I think I've always been a softy with a bit of a trouble maker side. All I want for all of them is the best out of life and somehow, through my twisted mind, I feel like I know what that is and I can direct them to the "correct" path. I don't really know where this paragraph (or, fuck, this entire post, is going) but whatever. We've had some of our students quit the program recently and it has been
...
The above was as far as I got before I was too drunk to continue. I can only assume that I forgot about what I was writing and decided going out was more important.
We have had some students quit lately. Part of that is because of outside influences. Actually, the majority of their reasons for quitting are because of outside reasons. Parents are no longer able to commit to bringing their kids every Saturday. Some have joined sports teams. Some have decided that they would rather sleep in and watch cartoons.
Who knows. All I can say is that our enrollment is down and our team is spread too thin among everything we have to do to really focus on remedying this.
Last week (the week before the Saturday night that I started writing this drunken post) was hell. We had an event Thursday night called Heroes Showcase to plan, a service day on Saturday called Roots of Poverty, meeting with our nationals representative, and I also had to continue planning for my last committee responsibility Dreams for Rainier Beach High School on Friday. I was also asked to help out with an event on Wednesday night and represent City Year at a GSBA dinner. However, my Dreams lead wouldn't let me go. I had to stay at the office and go over absolutely everything in preparation for Dreams on Friday.
If this is grownup life, I am not a fan.
On a good note, I have a job interview this Friday with a child development program here in Seattle. I am so glad that I have at least taken the time to line something else up for post-City Year. At least it makes it that much more real that I will not be doing City Year again and that there are other options outside of CY.
Soccer has been going better than ever and I've made a ton of improvements to my game. One noticeable thing is my tendency to play offense. I was always a defender when I was younger but now, I love playing forward and mid-field. I was never really given the option of playing up back in the day and now I am kind of wondering why not. Well, I probably know the reason, I'm in a lot better shape now than when I was younger, even when I was in high school. I absolutely love this game. I so wish I had been good enough to play this sport professionally! haha
Next week I am going back to Missouri for my fraternity's alumni weekend and I am absolutely stoked. Shit, I already have an outfit for it as well. I can't wait to see everyone and crash our old haunts again.
Last Saturday was crazy. I went out with Art and we hit up his old favorites Madison Pub, Cuff, and Neighbors (okay, well, Neighbors isn't one of his favorite places - but we did have a hot dog from a vendor right afterwards, which he loved). I saw people I knew at each place we went to so I felt a bit like a big deal. Although, at Neighbors, the two individuals I saw were Brady and Mario. Neither of whom talk to me anymore. I avoided both of them while there and am pretty sure they never saw me. Well, that's a lie. One of the guys in Brady's group was pointing my direction and that could have lead Brady to see me. I was successful in avoiding contact and convinced Art to leave shortly afterwards. I realized sometime that night how comfortable I was with Art, both intoxicated and not so much intoxicated. I seem to compare a lot of the guys I meet with him. Which is weird. I am way more comfortable around him than I was even with Michael and I spent more time with Michael than I did with Art during that time in my life. Art is the first guy I met here outside of City Year and most definitely the first one I have liked. I think that originally, we did not advance because of me and now the two of us are so busy and on to different things and different people that we won't be able to be anything but friends. It's a bit sad, hah, because he's an awesome guy. Guess that's what I get right? Karma!
The night that I started writing this post, I was admittedly drunk before I went out. I was going to see if I could brave the Cuff on my own but chickened out as soon as I got to Capitol Hill. I went to Rplace (an old favorite of mine) on my own. I have done this before, but I normally don't like to be on my own in places like this. I felt pretty comfortable, however, and I didn't get wasted, which was a huge bonus (and boost to my personal goals). I noticed that some guys near where I was hanging out kept watching me and I was absolutely not attracted to any of them. I refused to make eye contact and put on my best "I dare you to try and approach me"-look. I think it worked, because they never did. Eventually, some guy came me and this group pounced on him. Apparently, some of them work with him and already knew him. I was, however, attracted to him. They talked with him a bit and then he came over to me and introduced himself.
I spent the rest of the night talking to this guy (named Kris) and had a really good time. We danced to one song, talk some more, and then left. He was too drunk to drive so we went to his friend's place and crashed on a couch. I spent the next morning with him and his friend. We went to breakfast and then home. I also went to his house and stayed over Sunday night as well. I like the guy quite a bit and am definitely down for seeing where things go with him. I make it clear that I am only interested in dating these days and possibly starting a relationship; he shares that aspect as well. I'm not going to let my introvertedness screw another thing up for me. This one, I am going to try hard to just be me right off the bat.
I'll let you know how that goes.
On Being Gay:
I have always prided myself on being unidentifiable as a gay man. That I appear straight and that I act straight. That my gayness is not something you would be able to stereotype me with.
I have always looked down on typical gay guys. I have been discriminating towards people exactly like me. Exactly like me in their lifestyle if not in personality and action. I have looked down on feminism in men and despised any type of flamboyant behavior.
Lately, I have been trying to figure out why. Why are there pride bracelets? Why are there pride parades? It's true that I definitely do not think these things should have to be here. However, they are, and that has finally made it past my walls to get me to wonder why. Why are things like this around?
It's because they have to be. People who are not universally accepted feel a need to be steadfast in the face of oppression. Pride bracelets, emblems, shirts, parades, bumper stickers, necklaces, rings, window decals, etc. are all here because they need to be. An entire community of people are still being limited and oppressed. This community has the right and the privilege to stand up for themselves. If standing up for yourself can be done as peacefully as this, who has any right to be like me and look derisively upon these items or actions? No one has that right.
How wrong I have been
I'm buying a damn pride bracelet.
On Racism:
This same point of view needs to be something adopted by the Caucasian community as it stands in the United States. It's no lie that a lot of what people consider racism extends primarily to "white" people (classification based on colors is completely stupid - I am not white, thanks). Many Caucasian Americans do not see the need for programs, scholarships, and other incentives for people who are considered minorities. The simple fact is that these things do need to exist
because there are still old traditionally inept individuals who haven't received the memo that racism and racist behaviors are things of the past. Or, at least they should be. Caucasian people have no difficulties in job placements (hah, except at City Year! sorry Caucasian females!) or school advancement. The Caucasian community tends to protect its own above all others and severely limits the opportunities for individuals of other ethnic backgrounds.The first step is always self awareness.
"I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within." - India Arie
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