The Deepfreeze...!

I'm sitting here, typing all of this up (yeah, this is going to be a long one) while the ice that formed in the cells of my toes thaws, thinking about... you. You being everything. And since my blog is called "Everything is Everything" you are everything. Deep? I know. I'm about as deep as a baby pool in a park in Kansas.

Like I just mentioned, this update is going to be long and it is going to lay out a lot of things that have been floating around in that black space inside my head. Who do you have to thank for this? Whoever the anonymous poster is who wrote on my entry before this one. This individual galvanized me to return to my blog, to get rid of the thoughts of "no one reads it anyways" and to keep it at least as an outlet for myself.

Holidays Baby

Thanksgiving was weeks ago and mine was awesome. I don't know why I didn't write about it until now. I went back to Ohio where my mom lives and spent time with a whole branch of my family. These are people I have not seen since I moved to Seattle. It's amazing to see how much people grow up over the two years outside of their lives. All of my cousins are younger so seeing how much these kids have grown is ridiculous. I guess I now know what adults meant when they always pinched your cheek and exlaimed "My! How you've grown!"

I ate non-stop over Thanksgiving. My portion control during meals wasn't the prblem. The problem was all of the extra food. The cheese and crackers, the salsas and chips, the dips and pretzels, the M&Ms... Jesus, the M&Ms, I had died and gone to ehaven and made sure I was going to eat my heart out. I have no idea how I was able to do the Flying Feather Four Miler on Thanksviging Day. I joined my mom, my stepdad, my uncle, and my aunt on a run of four miles early and cold as a monkey's ass turkey day morning for a four mile run that was televise din Dublin, Ohio. I think I did okay for not training for it and for being laden with food. 112th place out of 2500 people is a pretty good number. 12th in my age group at a pace of 7:31. Hey, at least I was the only person in my group that didn't get beat by an 80 year old woman.

There is also a sad part about going home as well. I see family and the creations that come form it and it breaks my heart. I always wonder if I will have the same thing some day. And the fact that I can't have kids of my own and my partner's (or even get married - sorry Cali) doesn't help to brighten my mood. My youngest brother was talking to me about how he got into an argument with some of his co-workers about the ability to choose if one is gay or not. He said he told his co-workers that you are either born gay or not. I told him he is so right. Truthfully, I would never choose to be gay. I just am.

Christmas is coming up! I couldn't afford a ticket to my dad's and he couldn't afford one either so I will be here for another year. This time, however, I won't have someone to spent it with romantically like I did last year. Although I guess that's kind of a double edged sword since I got "left" the very next day, LOL. Instead, Ronda and I are planning on making ourselves a little feast at her palce and then watching movies all day. The hardest part is going to be finding a working bus route to her house. It hit me Saturday that I am not spending this holiday with family again and my mood really crashed. I'm trying to combat that leaving any cards I get up on a pedestal in my newly redecorated room to open on Christmas day.

Moving Forward

I applied to graduate school officially a couple weeks ago. The step is huge as (I believe I wrote this in a different entry as well) I put all the effort in myself whereas my dad pushed me through applying to undergraduate back in the day. In March, I will find out what course my life will take. I am praying that I get in as this is the career I want and also gives me a new purpose.

But what if I don't get accepted? I applied only to the University of Washington. I don't want to leave Seattle anytime soon. I have way too much that I want to do here before I move on. I honestly don't know where I will go and what I will do if I don't get accepted. I guess I will have to look for some type of real temporary job so I can apply again. This summer someone kept asking me why I didn't work a real job and my excuse was always that I needed my internship and the Gap was flexible with changes in my life. Will that be true next year if I don't get in? Will I want to live the same way I have been living? It has admittedly been very difficult.

All I can really do now is wait and see. I've done everything I was supposed to do. UW will decide the rest.

Civic Engagement

I don't know what the hell City Year did to me while I was a corps member. Maybe they put little micro chips into my brain pushing me towards being involved civically. WTF mate.

I have been infatuated with the idea of Harvey Milk ever since I read an article about him in the Advocate and what it would mean if 1) he hadn't been murdered and 2) if there was a new Harvey Milk for today. And even then, what if I became the new Harvey Milk? Surely I already have the desire to create equality for everyone and the secret life of being gay to make me similar to him. Although, my knowledge of politics is a bit lame. I do, however, know how to fix that: education. But where do you start if you want to at least try to emulate him? Do you do what I have been doing as a volunteer? Do I need to start sitting in on city council meetings and voicing my opninions? Do I need to go visit the different areas of Seattle to learn more thoroughly what each area needs? Is it better to not become Harvey Milk but instead to just be me? I want so badly to create positive change for anyone and everyone but do I need to be someone else to accomplish that?

I'm officially a Team Leader for the Young Heroes program at City Year Seattle/King County. This is basically an adult volunteer position that gets to show up on the Saturday service days with all of the kids I worked with last year while I was a corps member. The difference? I will not have to plan the day or wear the uniform! Working with the kids was always the best part of the job for me. Now, I get to keep doing that while shedding some of the other aspects I didn't necessarily enjoy.

However, I am also more heavily planning service events for the Gap, Inc. in this region. I have some ideas laid out down the road; I just need to act on them. January's event isgoing to be easy: we are doing service in memory of Martin Luther King, Jr. with City Year on MLK day. February... I'm leaning a little towards something along the lines of old people, valentines, and dancing. Hahah! We will see if it all works out. I was also asked this summer why I plan these events for the Gap when I don't get paid for any of it. I do it because I like doing it and, to some extent, what I do is necessary.

I know that I want to stay involved with both service opportunities (Young Heroes Team Leader and Gap Service) but I have also been tossing around the idea of creating a gay version of the Seattle Works groups. I joined the group I am in this year because I saw an ad for them on the Seattle Gay News blog and thought the group was a gay group. Man, was I wrong! I think I am the only gay individual on the team. That's cool, I don't have a problem with that at all and I evenr eally enjoy the people that I have met. It was just not what I was expecting. Gay people like to do service as well. We also know that there are a lot of people out ther ewho do not prefer the gay nightlife scene. Why shouldn't this be an outlet for eople to meet one another and also get something positive done? I may have to get my other obligations in order before I set out with the creation of this but I do already have some individuals who are interested in joining if I set it up. I think the hardest part is just taking the first step.

I've been seeing a lot of ads for the Gentlemen's Fund lately. I like their message and their purpose. I don't know what exactly I'm going for with this but everytime I see one of the ads, I feel the need to get involved. Maybe it's the men in their ads or maybe it's the human side of me.

All is not Groovy

Can we just let something be known: the hipster look is played out. The original has turned into this uniform of fashion where not looking like everyone else is a replay on the grand old game of who's cool and who's not. "Hi! You're wearing the same flannel shirt, tight jeans, and rocker shows that I am! We are so unique and filled with individual style! Let's be friends and shun that girl wearing boots with her sweatpants." Next, you will catch these two comparing their level of coolness based on how everything on their bodies is thrift store bought besides the blue dye in their hair. Uniqueness, in this world of fashion, has become a uniform. It's old. Go visit Capitol Hill in Seattle where you will find the same person with a different name on every street corner. Next look, please.

There has got to be a law against cramming major street corners with "Save the Children" blokes and sheilas. Walking from 7th and Pine to 3rd and Pine you have the very likely chance of being harassed by twenty or so of these fiends. They wouldn't be so bad if they didn't make you feel like shit for turning them down every time. I already am working at saving the children; now stop trying to steal my money, assholes.

There was this movie playing in the break room at the Gap the other day and line by the actress caught my attention "War, death, destruction... here we go." The line may not mean much without the picture: she was flipping through a newspaper landing on the section she wanted about weddings. Why are our newspapers fo silled with Debbie Downers and Negative Nancys? I am so glad I live in this era. I want a front page article about the good that is happening in relation to the holidays. I want to know about scientific advancements made to help people. I wnat to know that this world is worth saving.

All is not so Bahumbug Either

I truly hope that the holidays treat everyone well. Enjoy everything and everyone. I hope I get to see you in 2009! You are everything (did I do a good job of bringing that back from the beginning? LOL) !!!!!

Bus Time Truths

Often I use a bus along route 48 while in Seattle. This bus runs from Loyal Heights all the way to Rainier Beach.

Something about this bus ride will give anyone who is even remotely observant a peak into the current state of society.

Getting on this bus up near University of Washington one will notice that the vast majority of the passengers are young people of Caucasian or Asian decent all dressed similarly. About the time the bus hits the medical center or the highway bus stop nearby, most of these individuals are no longer on the bus. Going through Montlake and then up into the Central District the face of the passengers changes.

Skin color darkens and clothing styles begin vary greatly.

It's no secret that, economically speaking, this part of northern Seattle is better off financially. What created this schism between these two areas and why is there such a noticeable difference in the types of people who live in them?

People created it. People in our past created this "difference" we see between each other. Obama's election gives some credence to this reality. He's the first African American president. Everyone has feelings regarding this statement, whether elation or despair, proves one thing: there is still racism.

The apparent ethnicity of an individual should not matter. Their skin color should not have bearing upon their financial opportunities, their health care provisions, the goods made available, or the quality of education received.

Race is a social construct. It needs to end.

I can't fathom why the "creators of racism" thought the way they thought and often I people watch with an extreme amount of sadness for the current state of things.

What on Earth can I do?

Negative Count

So, celery takes more calories to digest than it provides. Now, I don't like the taste of celery one bit. I do like the Greek Salad Dressing I bought today for my own version of my Greek French Fries (which I am completely chowing down on right now) so if I add the dressing to the salary the caloric count will basically just be the dressing.

I think I can handle that. Next week is celery and salad dressing.

But, I'm going to take some advice and add in some tomatoes with mozzarella and basil for dinner.

That's enough to get me skinny again!

I'll be ready for Ohio. I hope they will be ready for me.

Tricks, Treats, Social Experiments, and Summaries

Tricks: Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. Never have been really sure why but there you have it. Maybe it's the candy maybe it's the costumes. Or, maybe it's the opportunity to get someone to watch a scary movie with me! This Halloween I decided to be a white trash vampire. Yeah, really. I think a new show called True Blood gave me the inspiration. I mean, the vampires in this show are hideous. Not just slightly, but fugly. Yeah, fugly. I am really used vampires being pretty, attractive, seductive. Not so much these ladies and gents. I haven't been attracted to a single one since the show aired and that's an abnormal thing. If vampires were real, I would totally fall fast.

Treats: I spent Halloween with some friends from City Year. We attacked Fremont, an area of Seattle, and dominated. Well, Katie, Tai, and Sara did. The rest of us sort of went along and laughed a lot while trying to look as cool as those three. I received a box from Mimi and PopPop, my stepdad's parents, full of candy, popcorn, and the traditional chips and salsa. They know the way to my heart: chocolate and chips and salsa. Well, there are many ways to my heart, those two are just two of frontrunners. French fries, hotwings, fried chicken, oreos, and ice cream are all extremely close seconds. I didn't get to see a certain Jughead, which isn't really a treat but was supposed to be, but I did get to stalk pictures on Facebook which I guess will have to suffice.

Social Experiments: I'm trying to cut back on party factor. For a variety of reasons. I want to start saving some money instead of living so paycheck to paycheck. Also to gain some... I guess it's self confidence. I know that the purpose, or the effect, of alcohol is to lower inhibitions. That's just the thing; if alcohol lowers inhibitions then how I act while drunk is still me. I want to claim the good parts: the outgoing-ness, the fun factor, whatever, and make that a part of me all the time. I've made huge strides at various intervals in my life. Josh-highschool is very different than Josh-college and even now Josh-Seattle is an entity all together different, and greater, than both of the other two combined. A very good friend of mine from college, Amy, was always able to party with our group of friends and would never have to be drunk to do so. I admired that about her and prayed that some day I would be the same. I want it to happen now. I took the first steps on Saturday night, and while things will be tough, I think I can pull it off.

Summary: I have completed my essays for grad school! I have people looking them over right now and helping me edit them. I also have 1/4 of my letters of reference in. It looks like school is really happening!

Summary: In two weeks I leave for Ohio and my mom's family. I haven't seen them since I moved to Seattle over a year ago and I am so excited to see them.

Summary: My sister's second child is due in less than a month. I've only seen her first child once, at her wedding, and I feel extremely bad about not being a part of either of my niece's or my nephew-to-be's lives.

Summary: Obama won an obviously historical election. I had imagined a long time that if this had come to pass I would be sitting waiting to hear what was to happen. That something profound was meant to happen. Or something horrible.

Summary: Proposition 8 passed in California. I'm sure that everyone has heard way more than they wanted to regarding this motion but it still has to be reiterated: this is discrimination all over again. It adversely affects life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. How can something like this be allowed to exist?

Halfway to 50!

So, Thursday, October 23rd, somewhere around lunchtime I turned 25. Yep, that's a whopping halfway to 50 marker. My dad wasted no time in making sure that I knew from here on out I would only catch up with him as far our percentile of age differences. Something about me being half of his age would change to being less than half next year - ex-farm boys and their logic games. I didn't understand it either, but I could also say that I was still extremely drunk when I read his email.

The day of my birthday... okay, let's be honest, I am celebrating all weekend, but whatev... began with drinks with Ronda at Bills off Broadway on the Wednesday night before my the official day. Yeah, drinks are cool and so are less than spectacular strip shows at Rplace but that's pretty much a common happening in the great ol' Capitol Hill of Seattle.

The real meat of my birthday happened Thursday night with an experience I never would have expected. Cole surprised the hell out of with one of the most awesome birthday experiences I've ever had. He had planned, designed, and detailed an entire of evening of everything that gains a person access to my heart: alcohol and food!

Cole's plan: A food crawl of restaurants in Capitol Hill. He guest writes for a blog dedicated to Capitol Hill shenanigans and surprisingly, blogged about the experience. I don't know how popular Cap To The Hill is, but I'm sure that it gets a lot more reads than my two readers, Abbie and Joel. It's a bit crazy to have my birthday on something so out of my league, haha! If you want to read the real version, the important one, here's the link: http://captothehill.com/ just scroll down and you'll see a fantastic picture of me. Take a look, he likes the internet validation thing.

Stop one: Via Tribunali and pizza plus a free drink from a bartender that was ridiculously interested in Cole and I's night. Pizza was very good but I agree with Cole, I need pizza with substance, thickness, uhh, you could call it girth, haha. The drink was a margarita gift from the bartender. I liked the restaurant it was really dark, but cool looking. I kept thinking I had visitors while using the restroom, but who doesn't like to pee with an audience? Well, me actually, yay for being pee shy.

Stop two: Quinn's was next. Oi, this place was an experience. First off, Dirty Little Secrets are best left to something other than drinks. I guess if you like the taste of leaves and pickles then feel free to order one of these, but if you're like me, a meat and potatoes guy, you won't enjoy the experience. I'm not saying I didn't finish the thing, because I did, alcohol and I get along really well most nights, but it wasn't all enjoyable. The food item here was something way different: bone marrow! And not like any bone marrow just in a dish or something mundane but inside of two halves of what looked like, and bartender confirmed, leg bones of a cow. One side seemed to be garlic flavored and the other cranberry. The marrow was still attached to the bone and needed to be peeled off if it was to be eaten. It wasn't bad tasting. The marrow instead felt like the fat that is often taken off of steaks. I probably won't ever get it again, but I am really glad for the experience. Now I can say that I've eaten marrow. Yeah, bone marrow, you know, RBCs!

Stop three: Three was something I never thought I would do but I think was necessary. I don't want to explain it out here but I am definitely going to remember it always. Probably to use as ammunition later on in life when I have my own kids.

Stop four: Bleu Bistro was awesome! I've never been in a restaurant where you can separate yourself from everyone else by closing a curtain. I was instantly in love with this aspect of the place. My Piece of Ass drink was fantastic and even more so: the Wasabi Grilled Cheese. Oh. My. God. I loved this sandwich and its three different sauces (wasabi is only one of them but the other two are also fantastic). So, this might be a spoiler but the Grilled Cheese was my favorite food item of the entire night.

Stop five: Table 219. Is it possible for food to get better the more you drink? Yeah, duh, that's the plight of every drinking night of mine. I always end up wanting food when I'm gone mentally. The nachos here, and my drink (it apparently disappeared in my memory, but I know I liked it), were very very nice. I think the nachos were duck nachos or something. They were definitely a good way to curb the current drunken state. I liked this place as well and it's food. I'm pretty easy to please but I also have high standards on locations where I feel comfortable and this one was one of them.

Stop six: Tango near the bottom of Capitol Hill. We had two different deserts here to wrap up the night and each of them was fantastic. Especially El Diablo. Our coffee flavored drinks were also a really nice way to cap the experience. Most of the time I don't like coffee. Combine it with Kahlua or Bailey's and I swear it will become my right arm.

Stop seven: Can I call Piecora's stop seven? It wasn't planned and wasn't a part of the night's original intentions but it held value to me. The pizza (real, thick slices) and the hot wings went straight to my drunken night's satisfaction ratio.

We crashed amidst pizza, hot wings, and Entourage. This is what I missed most about what Cole and I used to have, the end of the night. It's a bit home-ish but that's cool. That's me and I'm cool with that. My party side is only tempered by my desire to be something more like... I don't even know the emotion or the word. I don't know if I really want to know! As far as birthdays go, this one of, if the, best ever. But let's just keep that between us.

Friday was another dedication. Kim and Ronda took me to dinner at The Islander. We had loads of food and drinks off of the happy hour menu and from there went to a chocolate shop in Westlake Center. I love these two gals. I'm glad that both of them stayed in Seattle. If only because I would be lost without them. Okay, maybe not lost, but definitely a bit more lonely. Quite a bit.

Ronda and I ended up meeting up with a lot of City Year folks for one of their birthdays. It sucked a little to hear that Tai and Katie didn't know about my birthday being the day before but I think I can survive. Belltown bars are only cushioned by drinks by the name of Zombie. A rum drink that I can totally begin to love. Especially when in the downtown north end.

Saturday morning was punctuated by brunch (is that an uppity word? it sounds such to me and I really don't like saying it) at The Saint with Cole. If you go there, get the yuca frita and some dish that involves choosing a meat and some sort of tortilla chip dish. Yes to the max on both. Oh, hay-sus, yes to the max on both.

We followed that up with a gut spilling viewing of Saw V. Wow, how much gore can we as viewers live through until this series ends? Will there be a VI? Oh, they definitely leave it open for this. Who is the next villain? Whoa, maybe it will be the previously thought dead child of Jigsaw! But, what's this? A new Underworld movie trailer? And it tells the tale of how the entire war between the vampires and the lycans began? Ohhhhh, sheeeeet. I am so excited about this movie, no joke. It will be a bit different without Kate Beckinsdale (totally go straight for her) but I think the actress playing Sonya, or Sonja or however it's spelled, can totally make my life a happier place.

I finished my Saturday daylight with playing soccer with another team and enjoying almost all of it.

I'm here now, writing this, although it won't be up until later because our internet is stupid, debating on what I'm going to do for the night. I promised myself that this weekend was mine. I haven't been going out as often but really wanted to treat myself this weekend.

I think I may have just been dumb. Or stupid, or fuck, I don't know. I thought Cole and I had a moment or two that would have maybe meant things were different or on the repair or the up, or hell, I don't know. I am writing like I am wounded or stupid. aogoiagoahsghagagh haosfhouihg yeah, all of that.

I am now sitting here on this last night of going out I am allowing myself and I am at a loss. Cole's possibility of hanging out seems to be null and Art, who said we would celebrate my birthday this weekend is not venturing out.

This coming winter promises a lot of different things. Changes. I will miss what I had for awhile and wasted my chances on. I guess everyone learns from their mistakes. I shouldn't have taken Cole for granted, I'm ashamed and an idiot proven. I love the guy and hope that New Orleans, and eventually Australia, treats him how he deserves. As for me, I'm going to do as George Michael does and venture out into the night in the absence of security. It's Josh, just Josh, and about time that I reminded myself of that.

What's that saying that Cody and Dan always admonished? Ahh, that's it: In the end, you is all you've got. I've got to focus on what I want and how I want my life to end up. It's time to write two more essays and pay an application fee instead of staying in this stupid waiting mode. I'm a wave maker and it's time to drown an entire city.

Haha, I will settle for nothing less than world domination and that begins here, in Seattle.

25

My birthday is in like three days and all I want is for someone to take me to Chevy's and then to Hollywood 14 for a scary movie.

Of course, both of those places are in Columbia, Missouri.

A guy can dream though, right?

Finding It

I want Shelter so much.

If everyone has someone, where is mine located?