Haha, what the fuck was up with my last posting? Wait, I know. Getting lost for two hours after a complete and utter shut down is enough to break anyone's mood.
As far as life goes, I'm stressed out to the max. I'm working a ton for both jobs and my personality, mood, outlook, etc. is completely taking a plunge.
I'm back at that "I hate everything about City Year" phase again. I detest the uniform, the office work, the stupid games we play, all of it. All I want to do is give it up. I hate being labeled as a quitter, but didn't I once say that "have fun with whatever you are doing because if you aren't having fun, it's not worth doing"? I am pretty sure I did. I know it's a motto that I live by, so I must have declared it at some point in my life. Right now, City Year is not fun. All I want is for it be over. And I could accomplish that. I could stop showing up to City Year tomorrow. Completely erase it from my life.
One thing keeps me going.
My kids. My students, I love them. God, how ridiculous it is that my entire day is brightened by these young people. How amazing that simply being around them on a Saturday will make everything okay and golden. I admit it, I love my kids. Like I wrote, they are the only thing keeping me attached to City Year. It's not like I didn't know that CY was going to be rough. I mean hell, one of their "PITW"s even states: "City Year is hard. Be strong." I should have known that I wasn't ready for what I would be getting myself into. All I want is to hang out with the kids. I don't want any of the other bullshit that has to come along with that.
One of my roommates was driving me home from work today and I said I would be quitting. I had just gotten out of a meeting with my entire team and I was in complete hate mode. Through the talking and all of the other crap on the way back, I kept considering the weight of me leaving. Curriculum would be down a member, my team would be down a member, my kids would no longer have me there... any number of things. On one hand, I could finally focus on myself like I really want to. On the other, I could still get to see my kids almost every weekend. I ultimately decided that the kids completely made quitting not an option. I won't and I can't. Only for the kids, though. Not for my boss, not my service leader, and not even my team (sorry folks).
I am only here for them. That uniform is for them. The office shit is for them. The meetings is for them. The humility is for them. The shutting my mouth is for them. The old Josh would not approve, all of this for kids. And here's me, an individual who will not ever be able to have any of his own.
As far as that side of my life goes, some things are over, some are stagnant, and some new things are coming up.
Brady is gone, I believe. Although I'm not sure if it was me or him that made that decision. The entire thing is/was very much in limbo.
Rudy is confusing, although when I talked to a close friend who also knows him, I was reassured that the things he does he has always done. Basically, he never responds and is even considered a player by some people. Wonderful! Exactly who I want to do things with!
Josh is a bit off the wall, I think. Every time I see him something huge is going on. I don't know if I would like to be in that situation again, so I haven't been allowing myself to get close to him. Soon he will probably figure that out and get rid of me.
Travis is just Travis. He did come to our last game and I even invited him to go out with me that night. Although he never said no, he never said yes either and was gone before the rest of the team was done socializing at our after game hangout spot. That man, I swear, he's hard to read.
Jack is no longer an option like I thought he was. It actually turns out that he's straight. And has a girlfriend. I got my signals crossed. Haha, who would have known.
You know, I just wrote something, then deleted it, then re-wrote it, then deleted it again. Why? This is supposed to be my personal space. An area where I can air my laundry and get shit out. I can type whatever the fuck I want.
Chase is new to the scene kinda. He's Michael's roommate and someone who recently told me he has had a crush on me since he first met me when I was with Mike. We hung out last weekend (with other people too) and we ended up hooking up that night. You may think that there are a lot of guy names on here, but I rarely do anything serious with any of them. It's just my style. I don't know where this is going, although I have a feeling that it will be platonic. Possibly even as fuck buddies. As far as him being my ex's roommate, well, I guess we will always have to use my place, eh?
I also went home with Art Saturday night, but did not do anything too bad. Art is Art and will always be Art. He holds a little something special in my heart as being the first guy I met here in Seattle.
John is also new. It's strange how we met as it was through Facebook. There's this whole "interested" application thing that allows people to see what others who also have the application look like. He and I apparently clicked "Yes" on each other and Facebook identified us as a match. A poke war began with his initializing and with me finally messaging him. We chatted for a bit on AIM and then met this past week. Now this guy, I like quite a bit. Our humor is very similar and we fit on many more levels. The one thing is that he is leaving Seattle in May. My mind thinks: Why even try if my ultimate goal is a lasting relationship? The response that my heart gives is: Which is better, to ignore something that could be amazing even if it lasts only for a short while, or to embrace and experience that amazing-ness and remember it forever? To remember.
I'm sticking with the heart on this one, he better too.
I'm such a romantic sap.
Cheers. Off to the second job.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Life
I have updates to post, but tonight, I was prompted to post really quick before I pass out due to a realization.
There are some people in my life, who I deem to be very important, who could maybe only qualify as a acquaintances.
I got lost tonight trying to escape a situation that was starting to just be dumb. Three is more than a crowd, duh. As if the texting wasn't plainly obvious.
On my attempt to get home, I got hopelessly lost. I went through my phone, calling some people and ignoring calling others. Those that I didn't call, I knew would not pick up.
That's the problem. Would they not pick up because of the time or is it because we're not good enough friends to help a brother out when he needs it the most?
I think it's way more of the latter.
There are some people in my life, who I deem to be very important, who could maybe only qualify as a acquaintances.
I got lost tonight trying to escape a situation that was starting to just be dumb. Three is more than a crowd, duh. As if the texting wasn't plainly obvious.
On my attempt to get home, I got hopelessly lost. I went through my phone, calling some people and ignoring calling others. Those that I didn't call, I knew would not pick up.
That's the problem. Would they not pick up because of the time or is it because we're not good enough friends to help a brother out when he needs it the most?
I think it's way more of the latter.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Failing
Failing has always been one of the hardest things for me to live with. Fear of failure has kept me back so many times in my life.
Lately, I've started failing while working.
My desire to help has been lagging behind in the amount of work I have to do. It's true that City Year is difficult, in fact, much more difficult than I had originally thought it would be. I had problems earlier while working for CY and now it seems they might be coming back. My tolerance, patience, understanding, and acceptance is completely bottomed out. My frustration, annoyance, anger, and difficulty is topped off. A sad aspect of this is that I can already tell it's starting to affect my team again. Will I ever get over my own shit?
I keep telling people that the only thing that keeps me working for City Year are the kids I have in the program. Without them I would quit. Well, that's what I keep spouting to anyone who will listen. Being labeled as a quitter is something I also abhor.
Lately, it's been harder to even work with my kids. I don't know what's going on in my head, but all I keep thinking is "These kids don't want my help. They don't want their teacher's help. Why do we try? What's the point in being here and taking our time to try to help them out? These kids don't care about the varying levels of higher education only a city away. They don't give a shit that we want them to be successful and to reap everything out of life. They don't give a damn about the complete lack of compensation corps members receive to put up with their shit all day. Why the fuck am I here if I'm not wanted?"
It's hard justifying going to work everyday to myself. I start to put on our uniform and things just go straight downhill. My thoughts always turn towards what I could be doing with myself and my life. Money I could be making. Security and stability that I could be reinforcing.
And of course, the ease with which I could return back to my hometown and fall into some sort of never ending self-imposed hell.
I absolutely do not want to go back to the Midwest. I absolutely do not want to put myself back into that town.
I want to make waves. I want to have an impact and to be remembered. Not for what I look like or how fun I was, but for what I did, what I accomplished.
Right now I feel like I'm just accomplishing failure.
And it's totally killing my mood.
PS - If you care, Brady seems to have moved out of my life on his own volition. Josh has as well, although I think I had something to do with his direction. Travis seems to be gone as well, although, that could just be because he never gave me his number and he didn't come to our last soccer game. C'est la vie, I guess. However, two new players have entered the scene as well: Rudy and (surprisingly) Jack. You City Year readers will know who he is, ha ha! I'll give more background on their stories later if I end up wanting to do so.
Oops. Hope they were okay with being associated with me avec the internet.
Lately, I've started failing while working.
My desire to help has been lagging behind in the amount of work I have to do. It's true that City Year is difficult, in fact, much more difficult than I had originally thought it would be. I had problems earlier while working for CY and now it seems they might be coming back. My tolerance, patience, understanding, and acceptance is completely bottomed out. My frustration, annoyance, anger, and difficulty is topped off. A sad aspect of this is that I can already tell it's starting to affect my team again. Will I ever get over my own shit?
I keep telling people that the only thing that keeps me working for City Year are the kids I have in the program. Without them I would quit. Well, that's what I keep spouting to anyone who will listen. Being labeled as a quitter is something I also abhor.
Lately, it's been harder to even work with my kids. I don't know what's going on in my head, but all I keep thinking is "These kids don't want my help. They don't want their teacher's help. Why do we try? What's the point in being here and taking our time to try to help them out? These kids don't care about the varying levels of higher education only a city away. They don't give a shit that we want them to be successful and to reap everything out of life. They don't give a damn about the complete lack of compensation corps members receive to put up with their shit all day. Why the fuck am I here if I'm not wanted?"
It's hard justifying going to work everyday to myself. I start to put on our uniform and things just go straight downhill. My thoughts always turn towards what I could be doing with myself and my life. Money I could be making. Security and stability that I could be reinforcing.
And of course, the ease with which I could return back to my hometown and fall into some sort of never ending self-imposed hell.
I absolutely do not want to go back to the Midwest. I absolutely do not want to put myself back into that town.
I want to make waves. I want to have an impact and to be remembered. Not for what I look like or how fun I was, but for what I did, what I accomplished.
Right now I feel like I'm just accomplishing failure.
And it's totally killing my mood.
PS - If you care, Brady seems to have moved out of my life on his own volition. Josh has as well, although I think I had something to do with his direction. Travis seems to be gone as well, although, that could just be because he never gave me his number and he didn't come to our last soccer game. C'est la vie, I guess. However, two new players have entered the scene as well: Rudy and (surprisingly) Jack. You City Year readers will know who he is, ha ha! I'll give more background on their stories later if I end up wanting to do so.
Oops. Hope they were okay with being associated with me avec the internet.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Flights
So, I broke down (and broke my little bank) to get tickets to go back to my college town for Alumni weekend with my fraternity.
I know that when I left, I told everyone "I'm not coming back." I'm an idiot. Here I am going back on my own word.
I think it was a bit obvious though that I was lying. It's not that I miss the town or the college. More so that I miss the people and the memories. There are a million bars like Woody's, Dukum Inn, Too Tall's, etc. all across the world. There are millions of running paths like Boundary Road, Cemetery, or Thousand Hills. There are millions of campuses like Truman and KCOM. However, none of these places have these exact people at that exact time in conjunction with me.
God, how hard it is to go back.
God, how much going back is so needed.
God, how I missed these people.
God, how I really don't care right now how weak I sound.
Maybe it's true, I finally am growing up.
I know that when I left, I told everyone "I'm not coming back." I'm an idiot. Here I am going back on my own word.
I think it was a bit obvious though that I was lying. It's not that I miss the town or the college. More so that I miss the people and the memories. There are a million bars like Woody's, Dukum Inn, Too Tall's, etc. all across the world. There are millions of running paths like Boundary Road, Cemetery, or Thousand Hills. There are millions of campuses like Truman and KCOM. However, none of these places have these exact people at that exact time in conjunction with me.
God, how hard it is to go back.
God, how much going back is so needed.
God, how I missed these people.
God, how I really don't care right now how weak I sound.
Maybe it's true, I finally am growing up.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Updatin It
Gah, here I go again, not posting in awhile. Here's what's going on, if you care, haha!
Michael is pretty much a thing of the past. At least mentally. I still see things that remind me of him, but the care part is almost gone. Haha, finally.
Last weekend, or whenever it was, I went out with Taylor, a girl I work with at both of my jobs, and Anita. We started out at Bill's Off Broadway where they ate pizza and I drank - a lot. Anita and Taylor were not originally going to turn this night into a party night, but I convinced them to go out. We settled on Rplace because both Anita and I like that type of music. We drank more and danced our asses off. Every guy that hit on me was instantly rejected. I had other things going on.
We made fools of ourselves this night. However, before we went into Rplace, I briefed Taylor and Anita by saying that if I ever say "Oh, that's Mike." that they were to keep me from doing anything stupid. I know how I get when I'm drunk, and I was totally not doing something I was going to regret. Luckily, he wasn't at Rplace. Or if he was, I never ran into him.
When Rplace started closing down, we were not ready to call it quits. The three of us decided to go to Neighbors were we could continue the party. On the way there, I realized that I was well on my way to being trashed. Or well, I guess I couldn't say that I realized it then because I can look back on it now and know that I was getting close because I could still think and see however inside of Neighbors is another story.
When we got close to the entrance, it was still in time to get alcohol and the underage people were not yet allowed in. So, there was a huge crowd outside. Walking up the door, I could hear someone yelling my name. The voice never registered. Had I still been able to distinguish voices, then I probably would have ignored the calls, but I couldn't. All I knew is that my name was being shouted and that I was going to find out who the fuck knew who I was in this giant city.
Of course, it was Michael. This is so like a bad gay movie. I don't know if he was drunk or not and it didn't matter. All I knew was that it was Mike (this is the first time I had seen him since the morning after Christmas, mind you) and I was drunk. I don't know what I would have done because I still very mad at him as well as still very much into him. We never got to find out because as soon as he started walking over to me, the said the magic words of "Oh, that's Mike." and Anita and Taylor stepped in. They dragged me around the corner away from Neighbors. I didn't want to end the night, which was an option at this point, and I could tell that the girls didn't want to either. So, we decided that we were going to go straight into Neighbors and stay away from Michael.
We did most of that. Michael kept hanging around us in the beginning trying to do who knows what. He was also giving me this look that I remembered. Now, looking back, it was the same damn look he was giving me the first night we met when I was totally dancing with someone else. Michael is a predator, like myself, but apparently one that is hard for me to beat. Besides, he had replaced me in that amount of time we had been apart. Why should I want to be with him? Who knows. Eventually, he moved on. He was completely on the prowl that night. Gross.
Later, when it was time for the underage group to come in (Neighbors is open after hours but does not serve alcohol during this time, so people under 21 can enter and dance, but that's it). There is this guy that I work with at the Gap who I have always thought was pretty attractive. When I first met him, however, I was with Mike, and being interested in someone else while I am seeing someone is completely out of the question for me. He is only 20, which is a bit of a knock for me. I tend to like older and especially like being able to go out drinking legally with someone I am interested in. One thing that is funny is that his name is also Josh and he is also from a more rural environment than this city life we are now both experiencing. I had originally planned on trying to catch up with Josh later tonight but I wasn't trying to be as drunk as I was at the time. Us doing much of anything didn't happen. Anita kept me away from Josh and he went on to dance nearby but with more guys who seem to be more his type than I am.
Anita, who just so happens to also be a lesbian, met a girl at Neighbors. This girl had a friend named Brady who just so happens to be gay. Apparently, I remember none of this part, as soon as Brady and I were introduced, we started dancing and lasted that way for the rest of the night. I do remember dancing with Brady and being inappropriate at the same time, but most of the encounter was completely fuzzed out due to alcohol. Somehow, his number ended up in my phone and we've been talking since then. I don't know where this will go either. I am so picky it's ridiculous. Well, at least I am as far as relationships go and that's all I'm looking for these days.
Since then I've been working a lot for City Year and not so much for Gap. I need the Gap to schedule me more often so I can actually make some money. My hours have really been cut down and it sucks.
This past weekend was amazing. I had to work Saturday, so didn't go out Friday night. However, Saturday night was my soccer team's kickoff party for the new season and we had it at the VIP room of the Purr. I drank my normal cheap wine before hand and had some of my new roommates drop me off. Almost right away, I ran into Mike's two roommates. I talked to them for a minute or two and then went upstairs to be with my team (those two would later came upstairs to talk to me further into the night). It was cool to be around everyone on the team when not dressed for soccer. I had a lot of fun with those guys.
Somehow, I completely skipped the "here comes getting trashed" phase and moved right into the trashed phase. I ended up leaving Purr with Abmel and Travis, and maybe others, but those are the only two I remember. Abmel and Travis both had to fill me in on a lot of what happened that night. When we got there, I think we bought more drinks. I ended up accidentally leaving my debit card there, so I am sure that I bought at least one drink. Travis checked our two coats and him giving me my ticket for my coat was the last vivid memory I have of that night. Abmel said that I instantly approached some guy on the dance floor who was dancing with his boyfriend. Abmel had not been drinking at all, so I believe everything he says about this night, haha. I knew that the two of these guys were together but I was only attracted to the darker haired one that was my height. Not the really tall blond one. We danced and I remember seeing the boyfriend watching and then (Abmel tells me this part happened, I remember doing it, but not with whom) we made out. Abmel said that he thought it was hilarious. The making out part was apparently a problem. The boyfriend separated us and the two started arguing in the middle of the dance floor. Travis thought I was involved in the fight but Abmel just thinks I was the cause of it. Eventually, the two of them started dancing together and they left me on the dance floor. Travis and I started dancing sometime during that. I do remember dancing with him partially. I also remember Abmel leaving.
Travis took me home that night and apparently I was a pain in the ass about getting back to my place. I do remember him getting mad at me in his ride saying that I was completely not helping things. The next day he told me that we were all over the place trying to get back to my house.
I probably made a fool out of myself in his truck. Actually, there is no probably about it, I am pretty damn sure I did considering the bits and pieces of the conversation that I remember. I know for a fact that I told him I liked him - his response is confidential, however.
The next day was our typical soccer game and drinks afterwards. I still so hungover during the game but was fine by the end of it. Most of us, Abmel and Travis included, went to a bar called Changes in Wallingford that is a hodunk gay bar. While we were waiting in line (my soccer team made up 3/4s of the people in there) this game came up to me to ask if we played soccer. I told him that we did and that we had just got done playing. He asked if we knew this was a gay bar and I told him that we did and that my entire team is gay. He was shocked, and so were the rest of his table. That conversation with him was like opening up a ton of questions from the rest of his crew. I had to field all of them as I was the closest guy to them.
We only had a few drinks before we decided that food was higher on the priority list. So, we went right next door to a Thai place and got some food. I had convinced Abmel to buy me my dinner, but wasn't really wanting him to. I only had rice, and was hella cheap. Well, I also had two glasses of wine, but whatever. I sat next to Travis and found out that he is seeing someone, so, while I am still really attracted to him, he is kind of off limits. Plus, he's a vegetarian. I am someone who eats almost no vegetables, how does that work? haha. Oh well.
I don't have a soccer game next week because of the Superbowl and since I didn't get Travis' number, will have to wait two weeks to see what's going on.
At least I have plans for next weekend already, going to a birthday party and probably will be making a fool out of myself all over again!
Michael is pretty much a thing of the past. At least mentally. I still see things that remind me of him, but the care part is almost gone. Haha, finally.
Last weekend, or whenever it was, I went out with Taylor, a girl I work with at both of my jobs, and Anita. We started out at Bill's Off Broadway where they ate pizza and I drank - a lot. Anita and Taylor were not originally going to turn this night into a party night, but I convinced them to go out. We settled on Rplace because both Anita and I like that type of music. We drank more and danced our asses off. Every guy that hit on me was instantly rejected. I had other things going on.
We made fools of ourselves this night. However, before we went into Rplace, I briefed Taylor and Anita by saying that if I ever say "Oh, that's Mike." that they were to keep me from doing anything stupid. I know how I get when I'm drunk, and I was totally not doing something I was going to regret. Luckily, he wasn't at Rplace. Or if he was, I never ran into him.
When Rplace started closing down, we were not ready to call it quits. The three of us decided to go to Neighbors were we could continue the party. On the way there, I realized that I was well on my way to being trashed. Or well, I guess I couldn't say that I realized it then because I can look back on it now and know that I was getting close because I could still think and see however inside of Neighbors is another story.
When we got close to the entrance, it was still in time to get alcohol and the underage people were not yet allowed in. So, there was a huge crowd outside. Walking up the door, I could hear someone yelling my name. The voice never registered. Had I still been able to distinguish voices, then I probably would have ignored the calls, but I couldn't. All I knew is that my name was being shouted and that I was going to find out who the fuck knew who I was in this giant city.
Of course, it was Michael. This is so like a bad gay movie. I don't know if he was drunk or not and it didn't matter. All I knew was that it was Mike (this is the first time I had seen him since the morning after Christmas, mind you) and I was drunk. I don't know what I would have done because I still very mad at him as well as still very much into him. We never got to find out because as soon as he started walking over to me, the said the magic words of "Oh, that's Mike." and Anita and Taylor stepped in. They dragged me around the corner away from Neighbors. I didn't want to end the night, which was an option at this point, and I could tell that the girls didn't want to either. So, we decided that we were going to go straight into Neighbors and stay away from Michael.
We did most of that. Michael kept hanging around us in the beginning trying to do who knows what. He was also giving me this look that I remembered. Now, looking back, it was the same damn look he was giving me the first night we met when I was totally dancing with someone else. Michael is a predator, like myself, but apparently one that is hard for me to beat. Besides, he had replaced me in that amount of time we had been apart. Why should I want to be with him? Who knows. Eventually, he moved on. He was completely on the prowl that night. Gross.
Later, when it was time for the underage group to come in (Neighbors is open after hours but does not serve alcohol during this time, so people under 21 can enter and dance, but that's it). There is this guy that I work with at the Gap who I have always thought was pretty attractive. When I first met him, however, I was with Mike, and being interested in someone else while I am seeing someone is completely out of the question for me. He is only 20, which is a bit of a knock for me. I tend to like older and especially like being able to go out drinking legally with someone I am interested in. One thing that is funny is that his name is also Josh and he is also from a more rural environment than this city life we are now both experiencing. I had originally planned on trying to catch up with Josh later tonight but I wasn't trying to be as drunk as I was at the time. Us doing much of anything didn't happen. Anita kept me away from Josh and he went on to dance nearby but with more guys who seem to be more his type than I am.
Anita, who just so happens to also be a lesbian, met a girl at Neighbors. This girl had a friend named Brady who just so happens to be gay. Apparently, I remember none of this part, as soon as Brady and I were introduced, we started dancing and lasted that way for the rest of the night. I do remember dancing with Brady and being inappropriate at the same time, but most of the encounter was completely fuzzed out due to alcohol. Somehow, his number ended up in my phone and we've been talking since then. I don't know where this will go either. I am so picky it's ridiculous. Well, at least I am as far as relationships go and that's all I'm looking for these days.
Since then I've been working a lot for City Year and not so much for Gap. I need the Gap to schedule me more often so I can actually make some money. My hours have really been cut down and it sucks.
This past weekend was amazing. I had to work Saturday, so didn't go out Friday night. However, Saturday night was my soccer team's kickoff party for the new season and we had it at the VIP room of the Purr. I drank my normal cheap wine before hand and had some of my new roommates drop me off. Almost right away, I ran into Mike's two roommates. I talked to them for a minute or two and then went upstairs to be with my team (those two would later came upstairs to talk to me further into the night). It was cool to be around everyone on the team when not dressed for soccer. I had a lot of fun with those guys.
Somehow, I completely skipped the "here comes getting trashed" phase and moved right into the trashed phase. I ended up leaving Purr with Abmel and Travis, and maybe others, but those are the only two I remember. Abmel and Travis both had to fill me in on a lot of what happened that night. When we got there, I think we bought more drinks. I ended up accidentally leaving my debit card there, so I am sure that I bought at least one drink. Travis checked our two coats and him giving me my ticket for my coat was the last vivid memory I have of that night. Abmel said that I instantly approached some guy on the dance floor who was dancing with his boyfriend. Abmel had not been drinking at all, so I believe everything he says about this night, haha. I knew that the two of these guys were together but I was only attracted to the darker haired one that was my height. Not the really tall blond one. We danced and I remember seeing the boyfriend watching and then (Abmel tells me this part happened, I remember doing it, but not with whom) we made out. Abmel said that he thought it was hilarious. The making out part was apparently a problem. The boyfriend separated us and the two started arguing in the middle of the dance floor. Travis thought I was involved in the fight but Abmel just thinks I was the cause of it. Eventually, the two of them started dancing together and they left me on the dance floor. Travis and I started dancing sometime during that. I do remember dancing with him partially. I also remember Abmel leaving.
Travis took me home that night and apparently I was a pain in the ass about getting back to my place. I do remember him getting mad at me in his ride saying that I was completely not helping things. The next day he told me that we were all over the place trying to get back to my house.
I probably made a fool out of myself in his truck. Actually, there is no probably about it, I am pretty damn sure I did considering the bits and pieces of the conversation that I remember. I know for a fact that I told him I liked him - his response is confidential, however.
The next day was our typical soccer game and drinks afterwards. I still so hungover during the game but was fine by the end of it. Most of us, Abmel and Travis included, went to a bar called Changes in Wallingford that is a hodunk gay bar. While we were waiting in line (my soccer team made up 3/4s of the people in there) this game came up to me to ask if we played soccer. I told him that we did and that we had just got done playing. He asked if we knew this was a gay bar and I told him that we did and that my entire team is gay. He was shocked, and so were the rest of his table. That conversation with him was like opening up a ton of questions from the rest of his crew. I had to field all of them as I was the closest guy to them.
We only had a few drinks before we decided that food was higher on the priority list. So, we went right next door to a Thai place and got some food. I had convinced Abmel to buy me my dinner, but wasn't really wanting him to. I only had rice, and was hella cheap. Well, I also had two glasses of wine, but whatever. I sat next to Travis and found out that he is seeing someone, so, while I am still really attracted to him, he is kind of off limits. Plus, he's a vegetarian. I am someone who eats almost no vegetables, how does that work? haha. Oh well.
I don't have a soccer game next week because of the Superbowl and since I didn't get Travis' number, will have to wait two weeks to see what's going on.
At least I have plans for next weekend already, going to a birthday party and probably will be making a fool out of myself all over again!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Moved!
I moved out of my house on Beacon Hill tonight to the AmeriHouse which is on the border of University District and Wallingford in Seattle.
I've already noticed huge changes in the people around this area.
Saturday night was a handful. I'll be able to write more about it at a later date, I have to figure some shit out first.
Later.
I've already noticed huge changes in the people around this area.
Saturday night was a handful. I'll be able to write more about it at a later date, I have to figure some shit out first.
Later.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Letter to the Public
So, I came across this letter and really want to know where it was published and by whom so I can site it appropriately.
Here it is, tell me your opinions of this letter. I'll add some of mine below it.
"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people. I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.
However, I still feel that this type of letter is a good thing. It makes sense to have this point of view explained to heterosexual people by a heterosexual individual.
What do you think?
Here it is, tell me your opinions of this letter. I'll add some of mine below it.
"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people. I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.
My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.
He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was age 6.
In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay that he couldn’t face a life without dignity.
You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that.
At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won’t get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don’t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.
If you want to tout your own morality, you’d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I’m puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen that you could change it at will? If that’s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?
A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I’ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.”
You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn’t give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.
He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn’t the measure of the man.
You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.
How dare he? You say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.
The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving to be better human beings than we are?”
Indeed, sir, whatever happened to that?"
Now, there is one interesting thing that popped out at me right away after I read this. The mom is in total support of her son. This is a circumstance that is not enjoyed by a lot of people, including myself. My dad is not so cool with the issue. My mom is sort of borderline. Neither of them would defend me like this mother did.
However, I still feel that this type of letter is a good thing. It makes sense to have this point of view explained to heterosexual people by a heterosexual individual.
What do you think?
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