I've never been a fan of politics. I don't follow them or the politicians and I tend to stay away from any drama that they cause. Lately, I've began to get more interested, but only on the issues that I believe affect me.
I'm tired of idiots who allow religion to cloud their judgements. We are teaching the 1st Amendment to our students and it is only becoming more and more clear how stupid our government is. Now, pay attention, because while this may not be news for a lot of people, I never really took the time to follow how our government worked.
Why the fuck are there still laws that discriminate against people who are not Caucasian and laws that restrict the rights of people who are not straight? Honestly, why the fuck?
Why is New Orleans still a mess yet San Diego is nearly back on its feet?
Why can't these soccer mom types and pastor wannabes get rid of their stupid prejudices for long enough to allow other people the freedom that they are rightly given in our constitution? It makes no goddamn sense why some people are allowed the right to "pursue happiness" while others are completely limited in what they can and cannot do. Who the hell are you to tell someone that a gay couple cannot get married? That they cannot share spousal benefits, insurance, inheritance, adoptions, etc.? There are plenty of fucked up straight couples in this world that are receiving every damn incentive they want while more capable couples, who just so happen to be of the same sex, are denied any sort of leverage.
I simply do not understand this process of thinking. It makes absolutely no sense! Who allows you to decide whats best for other people? Go get some goddamn business of your own and leave others alone.
South Africa has it right: "When we attained our democracy, we sought to distinguish ourselves from an unjust painful past, by declaring that never again shall it be that any South African will be discriminated against on the basis of color, creed, culture and sex,"
-Home Affairs Minister of South Africa Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula
Bolivia has it right: "The state prohibits and punishes any form of discrimination based on sex, color, age, sexual orientation, gender identity, origin, culture, nationality, citizenship, language, religious creed, ideology, political affiliation or philosophical beliefs, marital status, economic or social status, type of occupation, level of education, disability, pregnancy, or other factors that have the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal footing, of the rights of everyone." - Article 14 of Bolivia's planned new constitution
Before I get any propaganda about political parties, I'm not a democrat pussy or republican zealot, I don't identify with a party.
What I want is for this statement to become true: "There are too many moments these days when we cannot recognize our country. ... We can only hope that this time, unlike 2004, American voters will have the wisdom to grant the awesome powers of the presidency to someone who has the integrity, principle and decency to use them honorably. Then when we look in the mirror as a nation, we will see, once again, the reflection of the United States of America." - The New York Times' New Year's Eve editorial
We need to be who we say we are. Fucktards.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Changes
Time flies when you are having fun.
It also flies when you are working your ass off.
I've been doing a lot of the latter.
Gap has asked me to stay on as a permanent part time sales associate. That is very good in more than one aspect: 1) I will continue to be making more income, 2) I will continue to meet more people outside of City Year, and 3) I will have some type of job for when City Year is over. I like working at the Gap most days and although I know that this place will not be my career I can recognize that it is good to have a job that you like for the immediate future.
For City Year I have been working my ass off like normal. We had a retreat this past weekend with our middle school students that is called Heroes Training Academy (HTA). Jane, one of the girls on my team, and I were both put in charge of this event. We went with the Superheroes theme and laid out what everyone would be doing. I was in charge of writing the schedule (Q2Q), creating the welcome, and setting up the team roll out. Out of all of those things, the welcome was most definitely the hardest. I used my cousin, Matt, who is way more knowledgeable about computers than I am to help me out. I had him take pictures of us that I sent him and create us as comic book characters. They turned out really great and fit in with our theme amazingly. If you want to get the PowerPoint of the welcome, just let me know. You will need to have Microsoft Office PowerPoint 2007 to view the presentation, however.
Soccer has also started back up and I am so grateful for this. Our second game was yesterday and I was actually able to go to this one. I worked my ass off, met a bunch of new players, and laughed with some of the crazy old ones. I am so glad that I kept Ripple Effect and didn't take up the offers for the other teams. I want my soccer time to be fun time.
If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you may remember the incident with Brad. You know, the STI scare. Well, due to my boss' urging I got myself tested last Thursday. Everything is all good, I'm still clean. The damn guy who was designated as my counselor really worked me up in the process though, saying things like "What would be the worst thing that could happen if this test has a positive result?" "What would you do?" "How is your emotional support system?" "What would your family think?" All of these questions while we are waiting for the blood test to get done and while only he can see the results forming. I will admit that I was starting to think that I did have HIV and that he was preparing me. When he finally showed me and told me that I was clean I almost started crying. What an emotional roller coaster ride. Bastard. However, this does give me a bit of a new lease on life and this spectre will no longer be at the back of mind as a possibility. I am very glad for that relief.
As far as other things, they are going slow. I really think that my enjoyment of Seattle would be so much greater if I wasn't working all the time and had way more freedom. I thought that Michael would be able to help with a lot of that. It's over between us, and was finally made official about a week ago. At the urging of my boss again, I wrote Mike what was on my mind and sent him to him rather than leave a voicemail or something similar. It is often easier for me to write things out rather than voice them. So, the letter I wrote him went on for three pages; I will spare you the details. His reply was long as well, at least, long for him, and went on to describe his phone being turned off because he didn't pay the bill, how sick he got right after a party that Friday when I tried to get a hold of him, his urethritis and sub sequential STI scare, and his new found time to do some long thinking about the two of us. He decided that our personalities were not good matches but also stated that he had never intended to hurt me. It's a bit late for the hurt part, but if that was the case, what was with all the pictures he put up of him and another dude before we were officially over? And the less than a week later changing to "In a relationship" status on absolutely everything? I think that I have been trying to get myself to hate Michael when really I know that I still like him. It's harder to allow myself to still like him rather than to start focusing on his faults to get myself to dislike him. Romantically, life sucks right now. On the one hand, I am single and free, and on the other, I just lost something that I thought was meaningful.
So, I go out. Somewhere in my screwed up head I associate fixing my emotional problems with drinking and flirting. I definitely accomplished both. One night, I went out with a co-worker, Ronda. We went to this bar/restaurant that she had been wanting to go to, then to normally my favorite R-Place. R-Place was completely dead. I got hit on, turned the guy down then Ronda and I went to another place called Neighbours. Neighbours stays open later but stops selling alcohol at the normal time. We were dancing and doing our own thing when suddenly the music changes and is suddenly salsa or something. Totally what we are not used to at a club. We made our way off the dance floor ASAP. While we were looking out at the crowd, I remember mentioning to Ronda that there were a lot of Hispanic guys there. I am actually very attracted to Hispanic guys, so this was not necessarily a bad thing. Almost immediately after that, some guy comes up from the dance floor (Ronda and I were standing on an elevated platform) and asks me if I want to do the cha cha with him. Ronda tells me to go do it and for some reason I play stupid. I tell him (his name is Mario, PS) that I don't know how to do it. He says that he will teach me. Who the hell am I trying to fool? I know how to do the cha cha, the tango, salsa, waltz, swing, Irish set dance, and more for Christ's sakes! In any case, it worked. He showed me a little bit of it and I immediately started doing what I already knew. He was, of course, dumbfounded. Anyways, I ended up hanging out and doing the various dance things that night with him and ended up finding out that this particular night was Latino Night. That explains things a bit. I went home with him that night and Ronda had some other people take her home. No sex for me though. Which was probably a good thing seeing as to how we were on the floor of a living room with another dude passed out on the couch nearby. I also spent the entire next day with him and his friends while they were shopping for new clothes. He works outside of Seattle and doesn't come in unless he's off. So, I have his number and we'll see what happens.
The night after I got Michael's response, I went out in full force. Completely on my own, I bought two bottles of what my roommate, Willy, calls "bum wine". Drank some of them, went to Bill's Off Broadway where I had a Long Island. Then went to R-Place. I met another guy here eventually. The crowd was small again, but larger than when Ronda and I had been there. I set my sights on one guy in the entire place. I normally do not do the approaching but this time I did. Albeit, I did it through one of the girls in his crew. When she was in line to get more drinks, I approached her and started asking questions about the guy and easily enough, he came over. I spent the rest of the night with this guy and his friends. He and I ended up going to Neighbours after R-Place and eventually to his apartment. I had drank a whole ton this night, the two of us kept buying each other drinks. We had some hot dog or something on the way to his house. After we got there, things went like normal hookups go (safely!). Well, I think it did. I don't remember the end result. His name is Jesse and is my age. However, I don't remember a lot from that night. I do remember getting up the next morning and being completely unable to find my underwear. To this day, that pair is still missing. Maybe he has found them by now, who knows. In any case, I went to work (yes, I had to work the next morning), still trashed, wearing what I wore out the night before, and even in a pair of Jesse's underpants which were admittedly too small for me. I survived the day just barely. I went through the first two hours drunk, the next hour hungover like hell, and the final hour feeling sick. I ended up throwing up in the women's restroom ten minutes before I got off work. Yeah, typical classy Josh.
In either case, I haven't seen Mario or Jesse since then although I wouldn't be opposed to either. However, I do know that I was really in having fun mode when I met both of them.
Another big change right now is that I am moving. I'm not leaving Seattle, however, though a series of events, a room has opened up at the AmeriHouse and I am going to take the opportunity. This location is so much more to my liking. It's much closer to Seattle's night life as well as closer to both of my jobs. Travel time is going to be reduced dramatically. This alone will allow some extra freedom back into my life. And now, with being able to go out and come back safely (without walking from downtown Seattle back up to Beacon Hill) I will be much more comfortable with going out. We will see how this all goes. Right now I am still packing for move as I cannot move in until the girl who has moved out takes all of her stuff.
I'm exhausted as hell and really in need of a nap, so I think that's up on the agenda. Hopefully, I will be able to update this thing more often so it's not such a mouthful each time I post.
It also flies when you are working your ass off.
I've been doing a lot of the latter.
Gap has asked me to stay on as a permanent part time sales associate. That is very good in more than one aspect: 1) I will continue to be making more income, 2) I will continue to meet more people outside of City Year, and 3) I will have some type of job for when City Year is over. I like working at the Gap most days and although I know that this place will not be my career I can recognize that it is good to have a job that you like for the immediate future.
For City Year I have been working my ass off like normal. We had a retreat this past weekend with our middle school students that is called Heroes Training Academy (HTA). Jane, one of the girls on my team, and I were both put in charge of this event. We went with the Superheroes theme and laid out what everyone would be doing. I was in charge of writing the schedule (Q2Q), creating the welcome, and setting up the team roll out. Out of all of those things, the welcome was most definitely the hardest. I used my cousin, Matt, who is way more knowledgeable about computers than I am to help me out. I had him take pictures of us that I sent him and create us as comic book characters. They turned out really great and fit in with our theme amazingly. If you want to get the PowerPoint of the welcome, just let me know. You will need to have Microsoft Office PowerPoint 2007 to view the presentation, however.
Soccer has also started back up and I am so grateful for this. Our second game was yesterday and I was actually able to go to this one. I worked my ass off, met a bunch of new players, and laughed with some of the crazy old ones. I am so glad that I kept Ripple Effect and didn't take up the offers for the other teams. I want my soccer time to be fun time.
If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you may remember the incident with Brad. You know, the STI scare. Well, due to my boss' urging I got myself tested last Thursday. Everything is all good, I'm still clean. The damn guy who was designated as my counselor really worked me up in the process though, saying things like "What would be the worst thing that could happen if this test has a positive result?" "What would you do?" "How is your emotional support system?" "What would your family think?" All of these questions while we are waiting for the blood test to get done and while only he can see the results forming. I will admit that I was starting to think that I did have HIV and that he was preparing me. When he finally showed me and told me that I was clean I almost started crying. What an emotional roller coaster ride. Bastard. However, this does give me a bit of a new lease on life and this spectre will no longer be at the back of mind as a possibility. I am very glad for that relief.
As far as other things, they are going slow. I really think that my enjoyment of Seattle would be so much greater if I wasn't working all the time and had way more freedom. I thought that Michael would be able to help with a lot of that. It's over between us, and was finally made official about a week ago. At the urging of my boss again, I wrote Mike what was on my mind and sent him to him rather than leave a voicemail or something similar. It is often easier for me to write things out rather than voice them. So, the letter I wrote him went on for three pages; I will spare you the details. His reply was long as well, at least, long for him, and went on to describe his phone being turned off because he didn't pay the bill, how sick he got right after a party that Friday when I tried to get a hold of him, his urethritis and sub sequential STI scare, and his new found time to do some long thinking about the two of us. He decided that our personalities were not good matches but also stated that he had never intended to hurt me. It's a bit late for the hurt part, but if that was the case, what was with all the pictures he put up of him and another dude before we were officially over? And the less than a week later changing to "In a relationship" status on absolutely everything? I think that I have been trying to get myself to hate Michael when really I know that I still like him. It's harder to allow myself to still like him rather than to start focusing on his faults to get myself to dislike him. Romantically, life sucks right now. On the one hand, I am single and free, and on the other, I just lost something that I thought was meaningful.
So, I go out. Somewhere in my screwed up head I associate fixing my emotional problems with drinking and flirting. I definitely accomplished both. One night, I went out with a co-worker, Ronda. We went to this bar/restaurant that she had been wanting to go to, then to normally my favorite R-Place. R-Place was completely dead. I got hit on, turned the guy down then Ronda and I went to another place called Neighbours. Neighbours stays open later but stops selling alcohol at the normal time. We were dancing and doing our own thing when suddenly the music changes and is suddenly salsa or something. Totally what we are not used to at a club. We made our way off the dance floor ASAP. While we were looking out at the crowd, I remember mentioning to Ronda that there were a lot of Hispanic guys there. I am actually very attracted to Hispanic guys, so this was not necessarily a bad thing. Almost immediately after that, some guy comes up from the dance floor (Ronda and I were standing on an elevated platform) and asks me if I want to do the cha cha with him. Ronda tells me to go do it and for some reason I play stupid. I tell him (his name is Mario, PS) that I don't know how to do it. He says that he will teach me. Who the hell am I trying to fool? I know how to do the cha cha, the tango, salsa, waltz, swing, Irish set dance, and more for Christ's sakes! In any case, it worked. He showed me a little bit of it and I immediately started doing what I already knew. He was, of course, dumbfounded. Anyways, I ended up hanging out and doing the various dance things that night with him and ended up finding out that this particular night was Latino Night. That explains things a bit. I went home with him that night and Ronda had some other people take her home. No sex for me though. Which was probably a good thing seeing as to how we were on the floor of a living room with another dude passed out on the couch nearby. I also spent the entire next day with him and his friends while they were shopping for new clothes. He works outside of Seattle and doesn't come in unless he's off. So, I have his number and we'll see what happens.
The night after I got Michael's response, I went out in full force. Completely on my own, I bought two bottles of what my roommate, Willy, calls "bum wine". Drank some of them, went to Bill's Off Broadway where I had a Long Island. Then went to R-Place. I met another guy here eventually. The crowd was small again, but larger than when Ronda and I had been there. I set my sights on one guy in the entire place. I normally do not do the approaching but this time I did. Albeit, I did it through one of the girls in his crew. When she was in line to get more drinks, I approached her and started asking questions about the guy and easily enough, he came over. I spent the rest of the night with this guy and his friends. He and I ended up going to Neighbours after R-Place and eventually to his apartment. I had drank a whole ton this night, the two of us kept buying each other drinks. We had some hot dog or something on the way to his house. After we got there, things went like normal hookups go (safely!). Well, I think it did. I don't remember the end result. His name is Jesse and is my age. However, I don't remember a lot from that night. I do remember getting up the next morning and being completely unable to find my underwear. To this day, that pair is still missing. Maybe he has found them by now, who knows. In any case, I went to work (yes, I had to work the next morning), still trashed, wearing what I wore out the night before, and even in a pair of Jesse's underpants which were admittedly too small for me. I survived the day just barely. I went through the first two hours drunk, the next hour hungover like hell, and the final hour feeling sick. I ended up throwing up in the women's restroom ten minutes before I got off work. Yeah, typical classy Josh.
In either case, I haven't seen Mario or Jesse since then although I wouldn't be opposed to either. However, I do know that I was really in having fun mode when I met both of them.
Another big change right now is that I am moving. I'm not leaving Seattle, however, though a series of events, a room has opened up at the AmeriHouse and I am going to take the opportunity. This location is so much more to my liking. It's much closer to Seattle's night life as well as closer to both of my jobs. Travel time is going to be reduced dramatically. This alone will allow some extra freedom back into my life. And now, with being able to go out and come back safely (without walking from downtown Seattle back up to Beacon Hill) I will be much more comfortable with going out. We will see how this all goes. Right now I am still packing for move as I cannot move in until the girl who has moved out takes all of her stuff.
I'm exhausted as hell and really in need of a nap, so I think that's up on the agenda. Hopefully, I will be able to update this thing more often so it's not such a mouthful each time I post.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Observations
It's been a long time again. Maybe I suck at this whole blog thing, ha ha. I mean really, only Joel and Abbie read it anymore. Oh well.
A lot has happened since Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, definitely a lot.
I thought about making this post simply about things I've observed of people doing while here in Seattle but what I find interesting in people watching isn't always something that others would want to read about.
So I'm going to give you some background on something I know you'll love: my life. Ha ha!
Soccer is over for now. The regular season doesn't start back up until March or something. I did get offers to play for two more teams but decided against it. For one, the indoor team is way too expensive. I would love to do it, but my free time is hosed and my pockets are very empty. The other team just seems like it would be adding to the stress in my life rather than being a method for relaxation and fun. I've been on super competitive teams before and while I enjoy the challenge and having teammates who are competent I don't want my soccer game days to be ones where I am stressed out. The big tournament next season is in London. I think I missed my chance at being a part of it because I missed both tryout days. I had to work for City Year on both tryouts and am pretty sure that there are more than enough people wanting my spot for the team being sent to London. Oh well, I probably couldn't have afforded that either.
City Year has been busy as well. I went through one of my craptastic phases and laid into City Year a few weeks ago. The result wasn't pretty. I had problems with absolutely everything that went on and even snapped at a few of my kids. Even going so far as to antagonize two middle school girls who admittedly had smart mouths but should have also been handled a lot better by someone my age. I did my normal thing of revenge seeking as well and stopped doing work for my boss and my service leader. I just did whatever I wanted each day and even went so far as to leave work early one day. My goal was to piss them off or hurt them in some backhanded fashion and although I think I succeeded, I also succeeded in doing something I didn't want to do: hurt my team. Talking with my boss wasn't helping to change my disposition. I don't know if that's because of the way we both work out conflict or because he was one of the targets of my wrath. However, talking to another person who works for City Year helped, Petaki. I am positive that her insights as well as my blossoming sense that I was fucking up my team as well helped me to change my mood around.
I tried an experiment to see how I could fix things. I went into work as my old self. Jokingly, stupid, and playful. My team and my bosses noticed and thanked me for it. Things were on the up and my play acting started to have a positive affect on me as well. I went home to Missouri back on the ups with City Year and those I work closely with.
I left early December to head back home for my sister, Ashley's, wedding. She didn't want to have a huge wedding so she invited maybe 100 people. Unfortunately, it was snowing very badly in the Midwest. She had maybe 50 show up. Even still, everything turned out nicely and it was great to see my Missouri family. I even got to meet Ashley's baby, my niece, Aubrey. Aubrey was 6 weeks old at the time and still very little. I got to even hold her! I wish that there had been more chances for that, but everyone and everything was very busy while I was there. I got to keep her company for a bit during the reception part of the wedding, but there were also a ton of other wedding visitors who wanted to see Aubrey as well. My brother, Brandon, and I also did a dance called the Soldier Boy during the reception for everyone. It was hilarious. My family was like "We had no idea you guys could dance!" I just smiled and thought "Oh, if you only knew."
While I was in Columbia, I got to see some of my friends from college as well. David, Abbie, Julie, and Colleen were all at David and Abbie's house with a few other people. We had a holiday party and it was just really good to be with them again. They were so very constant in my life while I was at Truman that being over here in the Pacific Northwest without them has left me a little adrift. More people were going to be there, but the weather kept people away. David ended up taking me back to my dad's house that night but I had to make him pull over so I could throw up outside his car. Yeah, it was a typical Josh moment.
Coming back, I had convinced that guy I mentioned in my last post to come pick me up from the airport. His name is Mike but I call him Michael. Who knows why. I have a thing with names. That night we went to his friend, Phillip's, house for a little Sunday get together that they all do. Someone makes dinner (this night was Michael's night and he was making gumbo) and they watch a series of shows together. This was my first time at the Sunday night thing even though I had been invited many times before.
My situation with Michael is a bit weird. I liked/like him a lot. Which is hard for me to get out because I really do not like opening up. I know that for most of my friends, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but in the case of strangers and those I hardly know, I view opening up as a weakness. Mike and I would do a lot of things together. Each of us being pretty busy. Me working two jobs, him having a real full time job. Most nights that I didn't have to work at the Gap I would stay over at his house and just wear the same uniform parts for City Year the next day while having packed a Gap outfit for work there the following night. I traveled heavy most days with my trademark bag. This relationship is weird because I allowed Michael in so fast. I typically don't do that. I have no clue why I fell so hard so fast.
One other thing that I started to notice was my pulling away from everyone else. Everything that I wanted to do would be with Mike and I was becoming content. I stopped hanging out with my other friends. And in any sense, I was still extremely busy but I used that as an excuse to justify using my free time to be with Michael instead of the other people I have met while in Seattle. I recognized this because it was something I had seen and been a part of with other friends of mine who have come across significant others. Except I was always one of the ones who was left behind and now I started to see that I was doing what I hated when other friends of mine who were part of couples were doing. And for some reason, I didn't care. I kept saying, things will calm down and I will have more breathing room.
I loved hanging out with Michael every opportunity I got. It reminded me intensely of another relationship of mine in the past that I sworn to secrecy about - ha ha, oops. I loved being woken up every morning by him throwing a pillow over my face so that when he turned on the light to get ready for work the light wouldn't keep me up. I loved that we both had the same taste in music. I loved that he had a car. I loved that he was masculine. I loved how he would plug my phone into his charger every time he left in the morning so my phone wouldn't die. I loved that he had a sense of humor and was much more easy going and outgoing than I am.
A couple of years ago, a guy I was kind of seeing in Ohio decided that he wanted to rape me. Well, maybe he didn't really decide other than that in the moment that is what happened. I am not writing about this out of a need for pity or for sympathy, it's just a statement to help tie together the importance of a later topic. This is a statement of fact that I have accepted as having happened and is not something that has lasting impression on my life. This guy tried forcing himself into me without any type of condom or lubricant. I told him to stop. Multiple times. For a second or two, or maybe more, I was in shock. I started thinking "Is this really happening to me? Am I really being raped?" Then I told myself "Oh hell no." I waited, and when the time was right, I lashed out. Two years of Krav Maga, a lifetime of wrestling with my brothers, the angst of a young man, and the determination of not being made a victim was all connected into one single attack. I left that guy unconscious on his bed and drove back to my mom's house where I was staying while in Ohio. He tried calling later, probably to see if I was going to press charges or something, but I ignored him. I even went so far as to delete his number from my cell phone. If you know me, then you know I have to be prepared and that I keep every bit of information just because some part of me thinks it may be useful later. I deleted his number and therefore any type of connection between the two of us. I don't need him anymore. I went through every, uh, relationship? Fling? Hook up? from thereafter never engaging in that part of man on man intercourse. It hurt too much. I bleed now with large stools and always have since that night. The doctor checked and can't seem to find something wrong with me, although I can almost pinpoint where the pain is. I can feel it. So, this has to do with Michael in one way. I finally went for and allowed this type of sex to happen. The first time it hurt a lot, but eventually the pain went away. The next time, I had to make him stop. Then the third time, it was fine. I enjoyed it and of course he did too. That was Christmas night.
My Christmas and Christmas Eve was very homesick. I missed my family so much. In my opinion, New Year's should be spent with friends while Thanksgiving and Christmas should be spent with the family. God, how I wanted to be home. This was my first Christmas not with my family. Not visiting my dad's parents the night before. Waking up and opening presents with everyone on Christmas morning. Going to my step mom's parents' house for lunch. Jesus, was I homesick. The one thing I wanted from Seattle was for my Michael to hang out with me during this holiday. He was to get back from his mom's on Christmas Eve. I was planning on staying with him that night and waking up Christmas day with him. We both had the day off and would be the first time in a while that we could sleep in (him working or me having him take me to work) or do whatever. He got home late that night and texted me saying he was going to bed and would call me the next day. I ended up getting an invite to go out to dinner with my boss and his partner on Christmas day at a Chinese restaurant. Since I wasn't going to be with Mike, I took him up on the offer and went with them to dinner. Dinner was good, even great. It was also funny to finally meet my boss' life partner and to see how his personality meshed with my boss'. Later that night, Michael got home from his dad's house for dinner and picked me up. We delivered a few cars that I promised someone I would deliver to driveways so they wouldn't get fined. One of the cars was a manual and I don't know how to drive a stick, but Mike does, so I had him drive that one while I drove the automatic. The night was great. Ronda gave me a free movie rental. Mike and I bought some candy from her. We had snacks, opened Christmas presents that each of us got each other, I drank a little. And then the lights went out. I will spare you the details on that as I know it's not really appropriate for me to lay out here. I will keep that for the next Chinese dinner that Jennifer, Amy, and I have - how I miss those! The day after Christmas was the last I had seen of Michael.
He did his usual of flinging a pillow onto my face, then taking off when the lights were back out and he was leaving. We did the normal goodbye routine and he left for work and I went back to bed for another hour before I had to get up and get ready for work. I didn't know that was the end of things. As far as I knew, things were going really good. He even said that he would call me later and that he might be staying later at his job since he was going to be off for New Year's and needed the extra hours.
He never called that night. And, like a stupid little school girl, I waited next to my phone. He didn't call the next day either so I called him from my work and left a message. Still have not heard back from him. If I'm being ignored as a way to drop me, it's a pretty shitty way to end things. However, I know that I have done this before and been the recipient of this before as well. Never, however, has it been with someone who I had spent over a month of my life with and allowed so deeply into my life before. I know that Michael had some intentions of going to Portland for New Year's but he wouldn't go without telling me he was going and even more, he would call me back. On the one hand, I know that he is still alive, which is a relief, because his myspace keeps being updated with the last time he has logged on (god, I sound like such a stalker!). So it is good to know that he's not lying in a gutter somewhere or got ran over by one of the trains he works on. But I still wish that he would have done something different with the ending of things. It would have still hurt but at least it would have been a finality instead of this weird limbo.
Or, I may be doing something that Dan always got on to me about: Thinking too deeply into things. Maybe this is some time to think or there is some reason and tomorrow everything will be fine again. But for now, this is me.
Welcome to my mind, welcome to this craziness.
A lot has happened since Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, definitely a lot.
I thought about making this post simply about things I've observed of people doing while here in Seattle but what I find interesting in people watching isn't always something that others would want to read about.
So I'm going to give you some background on something I know you'll love: my life. Ha ha!
Soccer is over for now. The regular season doesn't start back up until March or something. I did get offers to play for two more teams but decided against it. For one, the indoor team is way too expensive. I would love to do it, but my free time is hosed and my pockets are very empty. The other team just seems like it would be adding to the stress in my life rather than being a method for relaxation and fun. I've been on super competitive teams before and while I enjoy the challenge and having teammates who are competent I don't want my soccer game days to be ones where I am stressed out. The big tournament next season is in London. I think I missed my chance at being a part of it because I missed both tryout days. I had to work for City Year on both tryouts and am pretty sure that there are more than enough people wanting my spot for the team being sent to London. Oh well, I probably couldn't have afforded that either.
City Year has been busy as well. I went through one of my craptastic phases and laid into City Year a few weeks ago. The result wasn't pretty. I had problems with absolutely everything that went on and even snapped at a few of my kids. Even going so far as to antagonize two middle school girls who admittedly had smart mouths but should have also been handled a lot better by someone my age. I did my normal thing of revenge seeking as well and stopped doing work for my boss and my service leader. I just did whatever I wanted each day and even went so far as to leave work early one day. My goal was to piss them off or hurt them in some backhanded fashion and although I think I succeeded, I also succeeded in doing something I didn't want to do: hurt my team. Talking with my boss wasn't helping to change my disposition. I don't know if that's because of the way we both work out conflict or because he was one of the targets of my wrath. However, talking to another person who works for City Year helped, Petaki. I am positive that her insights as well as my blossoming sense that I was fucking up my team as well helped me to change my mood around.
I tried an experiment to see how I could fix things. I went into work as my old self. Jokingly, stupid, and playful. My team and my bosses noticed and thanked me for it. Things were on the up and my play acting started to have a positive affect on me as well. I went home to Missouri back on the ups with City Year and those I work closely with.
I left early December to head back home for my sister, Ashley's, wedding. She didn't want to have a huge wedding so she invited maybe 100 people. Unfortunately, it was snowing very badly in the Midwest. She had maybe 50 show up. Even still, everything turned out nicely and it was great to see my Missouri family. I even got to meet Ashley's baby, my niece, Aubrey. Aubrey was 6 weeks old at the time and still very little. I got to even hold her! I wish that there had been more chances for that, but everyone and everything was very busy while I was there. I got to keep her company for a bit during the reception part of the wedding, but there were also a ton of other wedding visitors who wanted to see Aubrey as well. My brother, Brandon, and I also did a dance called the Soldier Boy during the reception for everyone. It was hilarious. My family was like "We had no idea you guys could dance!" I just smiled and thought "Oh, if you only knew."
While I was in Columbia, I got to see some of my friends from college as well. David, Abbie, Julie, and Colleen were all at David and Abbie's house with a few other people. We had a holiday party and it was just really good to be with them again. They were so very constant in my life while I was at Truman that being over here in the Pacific Northwest without them has left me a little adrift. More people were going to be there, but the weather kept people away. David ended up taking me back to my dad's house that night but I had to make him pull over so I could throw up outside his car. Yeah, it was a typical Josh moment.
Coming back, I had convinced that guy I mentioned in my last post to come pick me up from the airport. His name is Mike but I call him Michael. Who knows why. I have a thing with names. That night we went to his friend, Phillip's, house for a little Sunday get together that they all do. Someone makes dinner (this night was Michael's night and he was making gumbo) and they watch a series of shows together. This was my first time at the Sunday night thing even though I had been invited many times before.
My situation with Michael is a bit weird. I liked/like him a lot. Which is hard for me to get out because I really do not like opening up. I know that for most of my friends, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but in the case of strangers and those I hardly know, I view opening up as a weakness. Mike and I would do a lot of things together. Each of us being pretty busy. Me working two jobs, him having a real full time job. Most nights that I didn't have to work at the Gap I would stay over at his house and just wear the same uniform parts for City Year the next day while having packed a Gap outfit for work there the following night. I traveled heavy most days with my trademark bag. This relationship is weird because I allowed Michael in so fast. I typically don't do that. I have no clue why I fell so hard so fast.
One other thing that I started to notice was my pulling away from everyone else. Everything that I wanted to do would be with Mike and I was becoming content. I stopped hanging out with my other friends. And in any sense, I was still extremely busy but I used that as an excuse to justify using my free time to be with Michael instead of the other people I have met while in Seattle. I recognized this because it was something I had seen and been a part of with other friends of mine who have come across significant others. Except I was always one of the ones who was left behind and now I started to see that I was doing what I hated when other friends of mine who were part of couples were doing. And for some reason, I didn't care. I kept saying, things will calm down and I will have more breathing room.
I loved hanging out with Michael every opportunity I got. It reminded me intensely of another relationship of mine in the past that I sworn to secrecy about - ha ha, oops. I loved being woken up every morning by him throwing a pillow over my face so that when he turned on the light to get ready for work the light wouldn't keep me up. I loved that we both had the same taste in music. I loved that he had a car. I loved that he was masculine. I loved how he would plug my phone into his charger every time he left in the morning so my phone wouldn't die. I loved that he had a sense of humor and was much more easy going and outgoing than I am.
A couple of years ago, a guy I was kind of seeing in Ohio decided that he wanted to rape me. Well, maybe he didn't really decide other than that in the moment that is what happened. I am not writing about this out of a need for pity or for sympathy, it's just a statement to help tie together the importance of a later topic. This is a statement of fact that I have accepted as having happened and is not something that has lasting impression on my life. This guy tried forcing himself into me without any type of condom or lubricant. I told him to stop. Multiple times. For a second or two, or maybe more, I was in shock. I started thinking "Is this really happening to me? Am I really being raped?" Then I told myself "Oh hell no." I waited, and when the time was right, I lashed out. Two years of Krav Maga, a lifetime of wrestling with my brothers, the angst of a young man, and the determination of not being made a victim was all connected into one single attack. I left that guy unconscious on his bed and drove back to my mom's house where I was staying while in Ohio. He tried calling later, probably to see if I was going to press charges or something, but I ignored him. I even went so far as to delete his number from my cell phone. If you know me, then you know I have to be prepared and that I keep every bit of information just because some part of me thinks it may be useful later. I deleted his number and therefore any type of connection between the two of us. I don't need him anymore. I went through every, uh, relationship? Fling? Hook up? from thereafter never engaging in that part of man on man intercourse. It hurt too much. I bleed now with large stools and always have since that night. The doctor checked and can't seem to find something wrong with me, although I can almost pinpoint where the pain is. I can feel it. So, this has to do with Michael in one way. I finally went for and allowed this type of sex to happen. The first time it hurt a lot, but eventually the pain went away. The next time, I had to make him stop. Then the third time, it was fine. I enjoyed it and of course he did too. That was Christmas night.
My Christmas and Christmas Eve was very homesick. I missed my family so much. In my opinion, New Year's should be spent with friends while Thanksgiving and Christmas should be spent with the family. God, how I wanted to be home. This was my first Christmas not with my family. Not visiting my dad's parents the night before. Waking up and opening presents with everyone on Christmas morning. Going to my step mom's parents' house for lunch. Jesus, was I homesick. The one thing I wanted from Seattle was for my Michael to hang out with me during this holiday. He was to get back from his mom's on Christmas Eve. I was planning on staying with him that night and waking up Christmas day with him. We both had the day off and would be the first time in a while that we could sleep in (him working or me having him take me to work) or do whatever. He got home late that night and texted me saying he was going to bed and would call me the next day. I ended up getting an invite to go out to dinner with my boss and his partner on Christmas day at a Chinese restaurant. Since I wasn't going to be with Mike, I took him up on the offer and went with them to dinner. Dinner was good, even great. It was also funny to finally meet my boss' life partner and to see how his personality meshed with my boss'. Later that night, Michael got home from his dad's house for dinner and picked me up. We delivered a few cars that I promised someone I would deliver to driveways so they wouldn't get fined. One of the cars was a manual and I don't know how to drive a stick, but Mike does, so I had him drive that one while I drove the automatic. The night was great. Ronda gave me a free movie rental. Mike and I bought some candy from her. We had snacks, opened Christmas presents that each of us got each other, I drank a little. And then the lights went out. I will spare you the details on that as I know it's not really appropriate for me to lay out here. I will keep that for the next Chinese dinner that Jennifer, Amy, and I have - how I miss those! The day after Christmas was the last I had seen of Michael.
He did his usual of flinging a pillow onto my face, then taking off when the lights were back out and he was leaving. We did the normal goodbye routine and he left for work and I went back to bed for another hour before I had to get up and get ready for work. I didn't know that was the end of things. As far as I knew, things were going really good. He even said that he would call me later and that he might be staying later at his job since he was going to be off for New Year's and needed the extra hours.
He never called that night. And, like a stupid little school girl, I waited next to my phone. He didn't call the next day either so I called him from my work and left a message. Still have not heard back from him. If I'm being ignored as a way to drop me, it's a pretty shitty way to end things. However, I know that I have done this before and been the recipient of this before as well. Never, however, has it been with someone who I had spent over a month of my life with and allowed so deeply into my life before. I know that Michael had some intentions of going to Portland for New Year's but he wouldn't go without telling me he was going and even more, he would call me back. On the one hand, I know that he is still alive, which is a relief, because his myspace keeps being updated with the last time he has logged on (god, I sound like such a stalker!). So it is good to know that he's not lying in a gutter somewhere or got ran over by one of the trains he works on. But I still wish that he would have done something different with the ending of things. It would have still hurt but at least it would have been a finality instead of this weird limbo.
Or, I may be doing something that Dan always got on to me about: Thinking too deeply into things. Maybe this is some time to think or there is some reason and tomorrow everything will be fine again. But for now, this is me.
Welcome to my mind, welcome to this craziness.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Post Thanksgiving
So, it's now Sunday night and tomorrow will mark the return to normalcy. At least for awhile until I head back home for my sister's wedding.
I worked a lot for the holiday, but not at City Year. I pulled more hours than normal at my new second job, Gap. It's funny, because for most of the day, I actually like this job (please knock on wood). I finally got it through to the management that I would rather work on the men's floor even though they constantly stick me in the kids' level. It's easy working with the kids because I have so much experience with it, but that's not where my interests lie, if you get my meaning.
Thanksgiving itself ended up being pretty fun. I went with a guy on my soccer team to his family's get together and it ended being a lot more fun than I was anticipating. Not that I am trying to be mean or had low expectations, just that I was very very unsure about imposing myself onto an established family. The house was extremely nice. I won't go into details because it's not my place, but the family that lived there owned two pure bred Doberman pincers. Now, these are the first dogs like these I've seen in real life. My only experience with them has been their movie representations which are not very friendly. That being said, these dogs were amazing. The food was also fantastic. The man of the house (I say this loosely, as clearly the female was in charge) kept force feeding me wine when I got there, so by the time dinner was ready and I switched to rum & coke, I was already buzzed. I kept my cool though and just proceeded to eat tons of real food (I don't get much while on foodstamps) and to enjoy talking to other people. These people rocked, and I am so glad that this guy on my soccer team had me come down with him.
The rest of everything else has been pretty normal. Save for this dude that I met recently who I have been hanging out a lot with. I am still trying to figure the entire thing out, so be ready for an update on that.
I worked a lot for the holiday, but not at City Year. I pulled more hours than normal at my new second job, Gap. It's funny, because for most of the day, I actually like this job (please knock on wood). I finally got it through to the management that I would rather work on the men's floor even though they constantly stick me in the kids' level. It's easy working with the kids because I have so much experience with it, but that's not where my interests lie, if you get my meaning.
Thanksgiving itself ended up being pretty fun. I went with a guy on my soccer team to his family's get together and it ended being a lot more fun than I was anticipating. Not that I am trying to be mean or had low expectations, just that I was very very unsure about imposing myself onto an established family. The house was extremely nice. I won't go into details because it's not my place, but the family that lived there owned two pure bred Doberman pincers. Now, these are the first dogs like these I've seen in real life. My only experience with them has been their movie representations which are not very friendly. That being said, these dogs were amazing. The food was also fantastic. The man of the house (I say this loosely, as clearly the female was in charge) kept force feeding me wine when I got there, so by the time dinner was ready and I switched to rum & coke, I was already buzzed. I kept my cool though and just proceeded to eat tons of real food (I don't get much while on foodstamps) and to enjoy talking to other people. These people rocked, and I am so glad that this guy on my soccer team had me come down with him.
The rest of everything else has been pretty normal. Save for this dude that I met recently who I have been hanging out a lot with. I am still trying to figure the entire thing out, so be ready for an update on that.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
This is the first big holiday that I've spent away from some aspect of my family. It's a bit weird but also kinda cool. I like that I am adult enough now to be able to be on my own but I can't lie and say that I don't miss my family, because I do.
This is something I better get used to, because Christmas is going to be the same.
Be safe out there, folks. Eat a lot and have fun.
Later gators.
This is the first big holiday that I've spent away from some aspect of my family. It's a bit weird but also kinda cool. I like that I am adult enough now to be able to be on my own but I can't lie and say that I don't miss my family, because I do.
This is something I better get used to, because Christmas is going to be the same.
Be safe out there, folks. Eat a lot and have fun.
Later gators.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Eventful
So this has been an eventful weekend.
First, Thursday night, the only night that I have off at my second job, I get roped into going to a middle school for a recruitment hit but instead, one of my teammates gets hit by a car right in front of our office. She is okay and is staying home now in a lot of pain, but it scared a crap load of people.
Saturday we had another service event with our students. The rain made everything very unsafe for our students so we had to call it early. It was hard as hell to get parents to come and pick up their kids. I ended up getting left at the park with one of our students whose mom wasn't picking up her phone at all. The mom ended up coming at the regular end time which was over two hours after we had ended the day. I had to bus back through Seattle to my house soaking wet, hungry, and angry. It was not fun.
Saturday night, however, I got to go to a club in Seattle called: R-Place. I like that place only because I like hip hop music. Some of my friends surprised me there and we ended up at Neighbors, another club in Seattle. I had never been to this one before but I was too drunk to really take it all in.
Sunday, I had my normal soccer game, but this one was our Over 30 vs. Under 30 game with my team, Ripple Effect, playing with another team called Savoire Faire. During this, I ended up getting two invites to play with more competitive teams that I am seriously thinking about doing. I will need to start up some training over the winter if I do decide to do it.
We also had a Thanksgiving shindig with all our players tonight on those two teams. I decided that I would bring something that I call "Amy's Fruit Salad" to the dinner. It's basically a watermelon hollowed out and filled with other types of fruit. It looks cool, and that's what I was going for. I made two out of mini watermelons and they were a huge hit.
I also found out today that I somehow was given the Alumni of the Year award from my fraternity. It's crazy. I had no idea I was even up for it. It's cool, I just wish I was back in Kville to celebrate with everyone for it.
For now, I am staying extremely busy and lamenting not being able to see mi madre for Thanksviging.
First, Thursday night, the only night that I have off at my second job, I get roped into going to a middle school for a recruitment hit but instead, one of my teammates gets hit by a car right in front of our office. She is okay and is staying home now in a lot of pain, but it scared a crap load of people.
Saturday we had another service event with our students. The rain made everything very unsafe for our students so we had to call it early. It was hard as hell to get parents to come and pick up their kids. I ended up getting left at the park with one of our students whose mom wasn't picking up her phone at all. The mom ended up coming at the regular end time which was over two hours after we had ended the day. I had to bus back through Seattle to my house soaking wet, hungry, and angry. It was not fun.
Saturday night, however, I got to go to a club in Seattle called: R-Place. I like that place only because I like hip hop music. Some of my friends surprised me there and we ended up at Neighbors, another club in Seattle. I had never been to this one before but I was too drunk to really take it all in.
Sunday, I had my normal soccer game, but this one was our Over 30 vs. Under 30 game with my team, Ripple Effect, playing with another team called Savoire Faire. During this, I ended up getting two invites to play with more competitive teams that I am seriously thinking about doing. I will need to start up some training over the winter if I do decide to do it.
We also had a Thanksgiving shindig with all our players tonight on those two teams. I decided that I would bring something that I call "Amy's Fruit Salad" to the dinner. It's basically a watermelon hollowed out and filled with other types of fruit. It looks cool, and that's what I was going for. I made two out of mini watermelons and they were a huge hit.
I also found out today that I somehow was given the Alumni of the Year award from my fraternity. It's crazy. I had no idea I was even up for it. It's cool, I just wish I was back in Kville to celebrate with everyone for it.
For now, I am staying extremely busy and lamenting not being able to see mi madre for Thanksviging.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Cool, not
Holy shit, I haven't posted on here since October 20th. What a slacker I am.
I've been busy. Yeah, I know, easy excuse but it really is the truth. Like I have already mentioned, I work a lot for City Year. This job definitely keeps me busy (which has been surprisingly good for me) and only seems to be getting busier.
Tomorrow will be the culmination of one of the projects my team has been working on for a week now. It is something called a Community Meeting and we are the first team out of the entire corps to host our own Community Meeting. Our theme is going to be Superheroes. Each of us picked two sets of superheroes as table decals and coloring pages for the members to play with while we are meeting and I picked The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Power Rangers (original five, thanks). Through some sick twist of fate, only us team members will be allowed to dress up as superheroes for this meeting. I decided upon dressing up as Super Kewpie. My high school mascot was a Kewpie and as such, I will be going as... basically a naked baby. We'll see how that goes over. No one else in the corps is allowed to dress up because of some issues in the past with "unprofessional" costumes. Yeah, that's what I thought too: W.T.F. mate? In any case, I will be hitting it hard as will the rest of my teammates.
I also, somehow, accidentally volunteered myself to do my Life Works during our Community Meeting. I'm going to be the first regular corps member to do their Life Works and although I know all of the material by heart (it is all about me, after all) I am a bit nervous. I've never been a fan of public speaking and this is going to test my comfort zone a little bit. Especially since the entire thing will be me talking about me and exposing myself to a lot of people. Which is also something I don't like to do. Really, everyone, or almost everyone, has heard the biggest controversies that make me who I am so the rest of the Life Works will seem kind of bland. At least I think it will, I can only really speak for myself. While working on this project, I went through a ton of pictures. Mainly pictures off of facebook and myspace as I don't have much here in Seattle as far as tangible pictures of friends and family. Wow, that was probably a mistake. Going back through years of pictures and memories hit me pretty hard. I went to bed a few nights ago completely down and wondering what the fuck I was doing in Seattle when everyone I cared about was somewhere else. I kept thinking: "We had so much fun. Is that gone? Can I bring that back?" There are tons of people I miss but most of them are no longer in Kirksville or Columbia, the only two places I really know in the Midwest. As far as Columbia, only my family is there that I actually think about or miss at all; and David and Abbie, of course. Kirksville... geez, there are a few people there who I can't believe I don't see anymore, but a lot of people that I'm glad I don't see anymore. And that's being honest, you know me if you are reading this, so you know how I am about honesty. Everyone else has moved away and is continuing with their own lives. I think that's one of the things that kept me strong through my little break down (stupid, I know) was knowing that everyone else had plans and was acting on them. I know that what I am doing in Seattle is bigger and more meaningful than myself so in my heart, I know that it is a good thing. I want to be an example for those I am not around anymore. Plus, I am not a quitter. I will finish City Year and do what is meant to be afterwards. If it's staying here, cool, if not, that's cool too.
We finally got moved into Meany Middle School. Now I can say I actually tutor and mentor middle school students instead of just "engage" and do service with them. I was assigned to two different classrooms, a reading and writing class and a science class. Both classes have 8th graders in them. For some reason, I like being around the 8th graders the most - I like their personalities and their minds. They are so cool.
Other work projects are still ongoing. My Substance Abuse LDD is coming along and will be presented at the end of this month. It's finally all coming together and looks great. My Dreams Committee is just starting its business and I am still not sure what will be involved with it. As far as Team Leader recruitment goes... that's a bit rough. I haven't had much luck lately, but I'm still trudging through everything. I was able to talk to the guy in L.A. who has my same position and he had some really good ideas to use.
I got a second job as well. It's at the GAP and I am now working in the Men's department as a salesman. I have very little retail experience, but I can make this happen. This is a very good opportunity for me as it will give me some income flow outside of City Year as well get me into situations where I can meet more people in Seattle. I'm pretty excited about it. And yeah, some of that is probably because I was able to get some much needed new clothes.
However, as a side effect to getting that second job, I will not be able to go visit my mom for Thanksgiving or to visit my dad for Christmas. That is going to blow pretty hard. I'm not going to be the only person here that I know, however, so I will at least be able to do little things while still in Seattle. I will, however, still be able to go back to Columbia for Ashley's wedding in December. I will only be in Columbia Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night (Saturday being the wedding on the 15th) so I plan on making some rounds while I am there. I am pretty sure (although I haven't checked yet) that Truman will be out for Christmas break, so I don't think I will be going up to Kirksville. But I can still do a lot of things in Columbia that will be fun. I would like to go back to Soco just to get that experience again. Maybe compare it a bit to Seattle's nightlife. As well as to hang out with the fam and anyone else I know who is in Columbia at that time (Abbie, David, your asses better be ready to do something - we are not old yet).
My soccer team has been going great and my toes are healing up nicely. I have even joined a running club of City Year employees. The hills here are a whole new experience to the predominantly flat Missouri. They are hard, but I push myself through them and get it done like I normally do. My ipod has become one of my greatest allies here. It and I run a lot of Beacon Hill everyday. Whenever I am at work, I look forward to getting off and being able to run my route on Beacon Hill. I used to hate running, now, that's changed for some reason. I think I blame Dan. That little fucker must have rubbed off on me before we both left Truman. Or, I just keep it as a way to remember him and everyone else.
I've noticed lately that my attitudes and personality has taken a bit of a slip back towards the old Josh. The Josh that was while I was finishing college. Opinionated, stubborn, and fiercely independent. I like that Josh and I'm glad that he's back and the one that arose when I came out here is going away. My heart is made of ice.
I've made the plans and am definitely sure that I will be going back for the next Alumni weekend with Phi Sigma Pi. It will be fun to be on the outside looking in and I am sure that if I go, I can convince other old people to come with me. We can show these new kids what partying is like. None of this stupid shit I am reading about on facebook. Yeah, I facebook-stalk. It's easy and informative. Along with that, a bit, I checked out something out of curiosity and it turns out that someone still harbors some ill feelings towards me. Yeah, you need to find something else to think about. Really. The whole turning me into the bad guy thing is getting very old.
Speaking of thinking about! Last week we had this training called UIR. Or, Undoing Institutionalized Racism. The seminar was abrasive to the max. I took pages worth of notes and am in the process of putting together something cohesive and typed out about the entire experience. I think I'm going to put it up on here, or maybe not. I don't know how long it will be, but I am sure that it is going to be a lot longer than I had originally thought. Plus, I still need to think it all out and by writing about it, I hope to accomplish that. Racism. What a delicate subject.
It's late. For me, at least, since I have get up in time to bus from Beacon Hill to downtown. Plus, I'm 24 now, have been since October 23rd. Does that make me sound old?
I've been busy. Yeah, I know, easy excuse but it really is the truth. Like I have already mentioned, I work a lot for City Year. This job definitely keeps me busy (which has been surprisingly good for me) and only seems to be getting busier.
Tomorrow will be the culmination of one of the projects my team has been working on for a week now. It is something called a Community Meeting and we are the first team out of the entire corps to host our own Community Meeting. Our theme is going to be Superheroes. Each of us picked two sets of superheroes as table decals and coloring pages for the members to play with while we are meeting and I picked The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Power Rangers (original five, thanks). Through some sick twist of fate, only us team members will be allowed to dress up as superheroes for this meeting. I decided upon dressing up as Super Kewpie. My high school mascot was a Kewpie and as such, I will be going as... basically a naked baby. We'll see how that goes over. No one else in the corps is allowed to dress up because of some issues in the past with "unprofessional" costumes. Yeah, that's what I thought too: W.T.F. mate? In any case, I will be hitting it hard as will the rest of my teammates.
I also, somehow, accidentally volunteered myself to do my Life Works during our Community Meeting. I'm going to be the first regular corps member to do their Life Works and although I know all of the material by heart (it is all about me, after all) I am a bit nervous. I've never been a fan of public speaking and this is going to test my comfort zone a little bit. Especially since the entire thing will be me talking about me and exposing myself to a lot of people. Which is also something I don't like to do. Really, everyone, or almost everyone, has heard the biggest controversies that make me who I am so the rest of the Life Works will seem kind of bland. At least I think it will, I can only really speak for myself. While working on this project, I went through a ton of pictures. Mainly pictures off of facebook and myspace as I don't have much here in Seattle as far as tangible pictures of friends and family. Wow, that was probably a mistake. Going back through years of pictures and memories hit me pretty hard. I went to bed a few nights ago completely down and wondering what the fuck I was doing in Seattle when everyone I cared about was somewhere else. I kept thinking: "We had so much fun. Is that gone? Can I bring that back?" There are tons of people I miss but most of them are no longer in Kirksville or Columbia, the only two places I really know in the Midwest. As far as Columbia, only my family is there that I actually think about or miss at all; and David and Abbie, of course. Kirksville... geez, there are a few people there who I can't believe I don't see anymore, but a lot of people that I'm glad I don't see anymore. And that's being honest, you know me if you are reading this, so you know how I am about honesty. Everyone else has moved away and is continuing with their own lives. I think that's one of the things that kept me strong through my little break down (stupid, I know) was knowing that everyone else had plans and was acting on them. I know that what I am doing in Seattle is bigger and more meaningful than myself so in my heart, I know that it is a good thing. I want to be an example for those I am not around anymore. Plus, I am not a quitter. I will finish City Year and do what is meant to be afterwards. If it's staying here, cool, if not, that's cool too.
We finally got moved into Meany Middle School. Now I can say I actually tutor and mentor middle school students instead of just "engage" and do service with them. I was assigned to two different classrooms, a reading and writing class and a science class. Both classes have 8th graders in them. For some reason, I like being around the 8th graders the most - I like their personalities and their minds. They are so cool.
Other work projects are still ongoing. My Substance Abuse LDD is coming along and will be presented at the end of this month. It's finally all coming together and looks great. My Dreams Committee is just starting its business and I am still not sure what will be involved with it. As far as Team Leader recruitment goes... that's a bit rough. I haven't had much luck lately, but I'm still trudging through everything. I was able to talk to the guy in L.A. who has my same position and he had some really good ideas to use.
I got a second job as well. It's at the GAP and I am now working in the Men's department as a salesman. I have very little retail experience, but I can make this happen. This is a very good opportunity for me as it will give me some income flow outside of City Year as well get me into situations where I can meet more people in Seattle. I'm pretty excited about it. And yeah, some of that is probably because I was able to get some much needed new clothes.
However, as a side effect to getting that second job, I will not be able to go visit my mom for Thanksgiving or to visit my dad for Christmas. That is going to blow pretty hard. I'm not going to be the only person here that I know, however, so I will at least be able to do little things while still in Seattle. I will, however, still be able to go back to Columbia for Ashley's wedding in December. I will only be in Columbia Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night (Saturday being the wedding on the 15th) so I plan on making some rounds while I am there. I am pretty sure (although I haven't checked yet) that Truman will be out for Christmas break, so I don't think I will be going up to Kirksville. But I can still do a lot of things in Columbia that will be fun. I would like to go back to Soco just to get that experience again. Maybe compare it a bit to Seattle's nightlife. As well as to hang out with the fam and anyone else I know who is in Columbia at that time (Abbie, David, your asses better be ready to do something - we are not old yet).
My soccer team has been going great and my toes are healing up nicely. I have even joined a running club of City Year employees. The hills here are a whole new experience to the predominantly flat Missouri. They are hard, but I push myself through them and get it done like I normally do. My ipod has become one of my greatest allies here. It and I run a lot of Beacon Hill everyday. Whenever I am at work, I look forward to getting off and being able to run my route on Beacon Hill. I used to hate running, now, that's changed for some reason. I think I blame Dan. That little fucker must have rubbed off on me before we both left Truman. Or, I just keep it as a way to remember him and everyone else.
I've noticed lately that my attitudes and personality has taken a bit of a slip back towards the old Josh. The Josh that was while I was finishing college. Opinionated, stubborn, and fiercely independent. I like that Josh and I'm glad that he's back and the one that arose when I came out here is going away. My heart is made of ice.
I've made the plans and am definitely sure that I will be going back for the next Alumni weekend with Phi Sigma Pi. It will be fun to be on the outside looking in and I am sure that if I go, I can convince other old people to come with me. We can show these new kids what partying is like. None of this stupid shit I am reading about on facebook. Yeah, I facebook-stalk. It's easy and informative. Along with that, a bit, I checked out something out of curiosity and it turns out that someone still harbors some ill feelings towards me. Yeah, you need to find something else to think about. Really. The whole turning me into the bad guy thing is getting very old.
Speaking of thinking about! Last week we had this training called UIR. Or, Undoing Institutionalized Racism. The seminar was abrasive to the max. I took pages worth of notes and am in the process of putting together something cohesive and typed out about the entire experience. I think I'm going to put it up on here, or maybe not. I don't know how long it will be, but I am sure that it is going to be a lot longer than I had originally thought. Plus, I still need to think it all out and by writing about it, I hope to accomplish that. Racism. What a delicate subject.
It's late. For me, at least, since I have get up in time to bus from Beacon Hill to downtown. Plus, I'm 24 now, have been since October 23rd. Does that make me sound old?
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