Bah Humbug

What did I do in my past that has earned me three years of heartache during the holidays?

My first Christmas here, I get dumped on Christmas day by Michael. By far the shittiest move yet. Last year, Christmas came right after Cole and I imploded; while he was exploding all over some other guy. Come to think of it, Michael was too.

This year, Brandon goes home for the holidays. Which is no way the problem. The frustration I'm feeling is that I did not know he was doing that until yesterday. Yeah, two days before Christmas.

That means, all this time while friends and acquaintances have been asking us what we're doing for the holidays and we've both replied "not sure yet" to which I normally follow up with "it kinda depends on his family's plans" I have just looked like a fool.

A fool because the entire time he probably knew he was going home and that I wouldn't be with him. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I had been wondering if this would be when I would meet his family. I worried about it, I was scared about it, and all those emotions were for nothing.

I wouldn't have minded putting off meeting them until he and I were farther along in our relationship I just would have liked to have had that made clear. Not two days before one of America's biggest holidays when family and friends mean the most.

All this time I sounded so delusional. I was such an idiot and such a fool. And I can't help but think he allowed me to continue making myself look that way.

I've hated Christmas time ever since I moved to Seattle and this year hasn't changed that feeling one bit.

A Conflict of Interests

Part of my job has me working with customers who occasionally ask for tickets to shows. I work in membership development, so, obviously, keeping them as members is important. Like most non-profits in this economy, things can be rough and members who pay yearly fees are a necessity.

Here's where things start to fall apart for me. I'm helping a woman this morning who is proudly showing her lapel pin stating that marriage is only between one man and one woman. It's not unlike the one I posted below.

If you know anything about me, or have taken any reading past posts, you should know that I identify as a gay man. So, obviously, I do not agree with this lapel's statement.

I view her stance as discrimination, simply put. It was a little jarring for me to be staring directly at someone who would actively support keeping me as a citizen with less rights than she enjoys. And she seemed so normal! Her interaction with her children was similar to how I would parent. She was intelligent and inquisitive in regards to the status of her membership.

Why does she hate homosexuals? OK, so that question may be a bit assuming.

I'm so very tired of religious organizations equating their interpretations of various religious texts (notice how I'm trying to avoid pointing fingers) to how a free society should be governed. If I'm not mistaken, a lot of people came to this country for religious freedom only to have it turned around into religious dominance and tyrannical control.

I want equality. I want to be able to get married - to a man - and to not be worried about being gay bashed because of that.

For anyone who's curious, I helped her out. I justified helping her, to myself, as part of my non-profit's ideals: non-discrimination. I can't help that she's bigoted so I might as well just give her what she wants. I did wish I had a big "I'M GAY" t-shirts, though, just to make a point.

What would you have done? How do you feel about marriage, equality, and/or gay rights? I'm all ears (and eyes!).

Pounding the Pavement

Modern United States works under a social structure that has been set up by a majority that statistically fits into the same category. What category? The older, white, Christian male.


Unfortunately, the majority of American society does not fit into this category. However, most laws and rulings still reflect the rule of a minority's majority.

Anyone can spend an eternity identifying and lobbying for the rights of all the sub-groups in this society. I, however, tend to work in only two areas: under-privileged and homosexual rights.

Recently, I put together a second volunteer night of serving dinner to a group of LGBTQ youth all under the banner of one organization: Lambert House. This was done on the behalf of Rain City Soccer Club, the club in which Brandon and I both play for various soccer teams, and also happens to serve gay and lesbian soccer players. PS - if you want to buy a calendar, that even features Brandon, go to the website.

The night was a lot of fun, like our previous dinner was as well, however one conversation really caught my attention:

According to the youth at the center, another young guy has recently been quoted in a local newspaper's blog as wanting to start up a Queer Youth Space and is declaring that there is not an organization like this available in Seattle.

The conversation then went on to explain how the guy in the article used to go to Lambert House and that he is personally taking a dig at the current Executive Director. Now, I read the article myself (I'm the kind of person who likes to try to follow the motto: his side, his side, and the truth). The guy in the article doesn't mention Lambert House at all. Instead, he seems to be upset with the fact that there's no club, or place that's similar, for the under-drinking-age to go to. In fact, Lambert House is only brought up and discussed in the comments following the article (want to read it for yourself? Go here).

Some of the opinions brought up by the posters bring up a variety of good points: vicarious living, predation, transparent funding, accurate services, influencing values, etc.

How does someone wanting to give back to the youth of his community do so without seeming like he's in it for an ulterior motive? Basically, he can't. People are going to believe what they regardless of what he does. His only, and most powerful defense, is to keep what he does open and viewable by anyone.

Additionally, in my opinion, the director of a youth center like this one (and really any center for youth anywhere) should have some sort of venue for suggestions from the youth it services. Whether or not this is already in place for the Lambert House is not known, at least by me.

There was a comment that I found to be really interesting. That was the one made by the poster "Catalina Vel-DuRay":

"The thing that has always bugged me about Lambert House (and similar projects) is the tendency on the part of mostly well-meaning volunteers to want to either live vicariously through the young people or - worse - to use these kids to get some sort of karmic "do-over"

And I worry that we tend to impose our own gender stereotypes upon these kids. What about the femmy straight boys who get taunted as a fag, the female athlete who likes boys, but is labeled as a dyke, the pretty cheerleader who is secretly a lesbian, or the jock who hides behind homophobia because he is scared of his sexuality? None of these centers seem to address that - unless things have changed in the years since I knew anything about these places.

Being a teenager is confusing enough without adults inflicting their particular set of values and expectations on you. Gay folks, in particular, should understand that."

What I found interesting in this statement is primarily the poster's points on how youth identify themselves. While it's true, in my experience, that the LGBTQ community tends to have a far wider range of identities than the heterosexual community. These would be failings of both communities to properly serve their kids and not singularly the homosexual population's fault. However, I would argue that there are individuals out there who are willing and capable of breaching both areas of discussion with any youth of any self-identity. The difficulty, then, is finding out who is capable and getting those who need/want that help a way to contact them.

In the first part of Catalina's post, the poster also mentions that some of the older community will live vicariously through the youth or will use their service to them as good karma. I can only speak for myself in this regard, however, I am not setting up these dinners for some sort of karmic reward. I know what I've done and not done in my lifetime and I've accepted whatever happens after I'm gone. Additionally, my life kicks ass. Sure, I'm poor, or sure, sometimes I wish I looked different, but I have an amazing boyfriend, awesome friends, and a one-of-a-kind family. There's no reason for me at all to try to live through these kids. If I, or any of my volunteers say "I wish I had these opportunities growing up" please, do not take that to mean (and I'm not saying the poster was, only that it's a possible deduction) that they, or myself, are attempting to live the lives of these kids.

It's difficult for anyone to live these days and the most some of us can do is to help others in any way they can. For me, that amounts to volunteering. Hopefully, some of you will join me.


That may be a peace sign, but don't get it twisted, I'll still bust your face if you mess with me.

Middle of Nothing

Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't.

Originally, I had planned to turn that Almond Joy advertisement into something witty about how I feel like writing. I failed, obviously. However, I still want to write!

I just don't have anything totally interesting or amazingly awesome going on right now that anyone would (read: might) be interested in reading about. Although I don't want to seem like I'm ignoring my blog either (which is debatable).

Christmas is on its way. I can definitely feel the excitement in the air. It's almost as palpable as my enthusiasm over Halloween.

This will be my first major holiday attached to someone else. It's a pretty neat feeling but also a scary one. Will this be the first time I meet Brandon's family? Seven months seems like an awkward amount, both long and not long enough, of a block of time. I'll let him decide as I'm, honestly, scared to meet his family.

The project I've been working on with my cousin, Matt, has come to a slight bump in the road. Mainly on my end as I'm lacking the desire to create new material and instead wishing I had his knowledge to do the visual aspects. Maybe I should start teaching myself. It's not really like I do much at my job...

My mind is always working. Sometimes, I wonder if other people think in the same manner that I do, and for some reason, I can't see that as being possible (my mind is so F-ed in so many ways), meaning that it's always working, always processing, and always thinking creatively (even in ways that are not good for me).

I'm sure Brandon would tell you I'm weird, which I will not deny, or stuck in a fantasy world but I have some good ideas! I promise! The problem is organizing them into strings of thought that others can follow.

I have two different novels I want to write but I lack the desire/know-how/means to start working on them. I'm sure that if I could start, I would finish successfully. Maybe I need some more alone time (as if this past weekend wasn't long enough - I missed the hell out of Brandon while he was out of town). However, the ideas behind these creations are sitting in my head and need some form of release.

When bored or frustrated or annoyed, busy-work tends to organize me. My mind latches on to mundane things like organizing my desk, cleaning our room, doing dishes, finishing laundry, and helps me cope with whatever is rubbing me the wrong (I struggle here with using the word "wrong" as things are not necessarily "bad" but not "perfect" either) way.

I've been busy, lately, with social obligations. And for someone who is independent and almost anti-social by nature, times like these coupled with my job being entirely customer oriented, gives me very little solo-time. That probably explains why I'm feeling such aversion towards my housemates. Not that I dislike them but I'm just not feeling sociable at all so having to interact while I'm at home, which should feel like my safe-zone, just irritates the hell out of me.

Speaking of which, I verbally accosted (sounds more mean than the experience actually was) one of them for leaving absolutely every door and drawer in our kitchen open for two days (I made a point - if only to myself - by not shutting any of them during this time) regarding everything being left open. That person said he thought I was joking. I replied quickly, and without really thinking about what I was saying that "I never joke." Which is a lie. I do joke, but my jokes (I put some thought into this afterwards) always stem from something I believe or I know to be true.

It's funny, writing that out, that I get angry afterwards with seeing no results from my "jokes". I know, to myself, that my joking around is actually serious and others think I'm just playing when I really mean everything I just said. Convoluted as hell but that's the way my cookie crumbles (or should I say Almond Joy as that's how this post began - Almond Joys are gross, by the way). People telling me to lighten up are totally in the right as I see now that I'm so very very high-strung.

I'm tired of writing now so I'm going to stop. You now know, or may have already figured this out if you know me in real-life, more about how I operate. Enjoy!