Last night, Wednesday, we finally had the graduation for all of the kids in our program.
I honestly can't believe that the five months of program are over. The entire night went exactly like it was supposed to: perfect. For this particular night, I was put in charge of creating the script for the entire event as well as working with the Young Hero student we picked to represent the Young Heroes as one of the emcees. I got to stay on the stage for the entire thing, which I actually liked. I noticed in the beginning of the night when I was making the blind announcement in front of all of the Young Heroes, City Heroes, their families, the service partners we invited, City Year staff, and guest speakers, that I no longer minded doing public speaking. I used to be petrified of it, but now, it's almost easy. I noticed this as well last week when my team had to do a PT presentation in front of our team sponsor, Amgen. I introduced us there and explained PT as well as thanked Amgen for its sponsorship and thanked one of the representatives for maintaining that relationship. Speaking at either event was insanely easy and I didn't mind doing either (knock on wood). It's funny how some things change over time.
In any case, back to the point of this post. My kids are done. My Saturdays are freed up. I don't exactly think that everything has settled in that I won't be seeing my kids every Saturday. I'm sure sometime soon I will go through some type of post-par tum depression or something weird. I did steal some photos from the event of some of the kids that had particularly large influences on me. I also stole their names off of the table that we had created for them.
Doing City Year again as a corps member will drive me insane, however, I will have to see these kids again. Hopefully I can keep myself motivated and committed enough to come back and hang out with them on Saturdays.
Five months. Summed up in less than two hours.
Wow.
Hah, I think it is starting to hit me now.
I need to find nice frames for these pictures. These kids are so worth it.
PS - I read a quote today at Meany Middle School, the school my team works out of, while setting up for its student art exhibition that totally rocked me to my core. It's my philosophy written by someone else in a way that I had never heard of before. Check it out:
"Our true nationality is mankind." - H.G. Wells
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Living
Living is all I have been doing.
City Year is coming to a close. We have about six weeks or so left until we officially graduate and I am so very ready. I am most definitely glad for choosing to do City Year, but I am also so very worn out with it all. My boss has been trying very hard to get me to come back as a Service Leader for my team but I don't think I am going to do it. I would still really love to be involved with the kids on Saturdays as an outside adult volunteer but I don't want to do the day-to-day of City Year anymore. Being a Service Leader would only add to all of the stress I had as a corps member.
Gap is going fine as well. They are going to move back into doing both stock and floor sales instead of just doing stock like I have been doing for months now. I will be very happy when that change is made. Taylor no longer works there. She was my in for getting my second job and now she is gone. It's a very different place without her as a constant. Luckily, she still works at City Year and is planning on staying in Seattle after we are done, like I am planning, so we still see each other. She also just works at Banana Republic up the street, so I could easily go see her before my shift at the Gap sometime.
Patrick is also more amazing than ever. Everyday I am finding myself more and more comfortable with this man and I can't wait for us to both have more free time. He gave me a set of his dog tags with his name on them while saying: "This is probably going to be dumb since I'm not in the Army anymore...". But I completely disagree. I think it's probably one of the coolest gifts I have ever been given. And what's even better is that they are a huge reminder of him. Not that I don't already think about him a lot, but now, every time I move a certain way, I can feel the tags, or I can hear them clink and I remember who gave them to me. I honestly can't wait for a chance to have him meet some of the most important people in my life, my friends from Truman.
Friday night we went out with a bunch of Patrick's friends from home and some of his friends that he knows from Seattle. One of the destinations that night was my favorite gay club in Seattle: Rplace. Rplace is a typical gay club in that there is loud music, lots of alcohol, and sometimes even special shows. However, the music played here is almost always hip hop, my definitive favorite music to party to. That night started off like any normal Rplace night. We got drinks on the bottom level and then headed straight up to the top floor for dancing. As soon as I get upstairs I see my ex. I didn't tell Patrick, although he probably knows now since I know he reads my blog, as I don't consider Mike a part of my life anymore. I ignored him until he was being absolutely sure I saw him. I waved and went back to chugging my drink in preparation for braving that dance floor with all of its craziness. While dancing with Patrick and his (hot) friends, I noticed that Mike kept staying near us and watching me. Eventually, he disappeared with some random guy he met on the dance floor (didn't he dump me to be someone else? does this other guy know Mike gets with other guys on the weekends? hah, who knows). However, there was a text on my phone later that night from Mike saying how good I looked and that I didn't know how sorry he was about what happened.
I promptly deleted it.
Patrick is like 100 times, wait, no, more like 1,000 times more of a man than Mike. He's hotter and, more importantly, has one of the best personalities I have ever encountered. He truly is an amazing guy.
Hah, this is looking sappy. But fuck it. I can write whatever I want on my blog.
adios, mis amigos!
City Year is coming to a close. We have about six weeks or so left until we officially graduate and I am so very ready. I am most definitely glad for choosing to do City Year, but I am also so very worn out with it all. My boss has been trying very hard to get me to come back as a Service Leader for my team but I don't think I am going to do it. I would still really love to be involved with the kids on Saturdays as an outside adult volunteer but I don't want to do the day-to-day of City Year anymore. Being a Service Leader would only add to all of the stress I had as a corps member.
Gap is going fine as well. They are going to move back into doing both stock and floor sales instead of just doing stock like I have been doing for months now. I will be very happy when that change is made. Taylor no longer works there. She was my in for getting my second job and now she is gone. It's a very different place without her as a constant. Luckily, she still works at City Year and is planning on staying in Seattle after we are done, like I am planning, so we still see each other. She also just works at Banana Republic up the street, so I could easily go see her before my shift at the Gap sometime.
Patrick is also more amazing than ever. Everyday I am finding myself more and more comfortable with this man and I can't wait for us to both have more free time. He gave me a set of his dog tags with his name on them while saying: "This is probably going to be dumb since I'm not in the Army anymore...". But I completely disagree. I think it's probably one of the coolest gifts I have ever been given. And what's even better is that they are a huge reminder of him. Not that I don't already think about him a lot, but now, every time I move a certain way, I can feel the tags, or I can hear them clink and I remember who gave them to me. I honestly can't wait for a chance to have him meet some of the most important people in my life, my friends from Truman.
Friday night we went out with a bunch of Patrick's friends from home and some of his friends that he knows from Seattle. One of the destinations that night was my favorite gay club in Seattle: Rplace. Rplace is a typical gay club in that there is loud music, lots of alcohol, and sometimes even special shows. However, the music played here is almost always hip hop, my definitive favorite music to party to. That night started off like any normal Rplace night. We got drinks on the bottom level and then headed straight up to the top floor for dancing. As soon as I get upstairs I see my ex. I didn't tell Patrick, although he probably knows now since I know he reads my blog, as I don't consider Mike a part of my life anymore. I ignored him until he was being absolutely sure I saw him. I waved and went back to chugging my drink in preparation for braving that dance floor with all of its craziness. While dancing with Patrick and his (hot) friends, I noticed that Mike kept staying near us and watching me. Eventually, he disappeared with some random guy he met on the dance floor (didn't he dump me to be someone else? does this other guy know Mike gets with other guys on the weekends? hah, who knows). However, there was a text on my phone later that night from Mike saying how good I looked and that I didn't know how sorry he was about what happened.
I promptly deleted it.
Patrick is like 100 times, wait, no, more like 1,000 times more of a man than Mike. He's hotter and, more importantly, has one of the best personalities I have ever encountered. He truly is an amazing guy.
Hah, this is looking sappy. But fuck it. I can write whatever I want on my blog.
adios, mis amigos!
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Cinco de Mayo...
...was awesome!
Aside from the predictable margaritas and tequila shots in celebration of this holiday, Patrick and I finally made us official.
I don't know about you, but I tend to be on the fence about things unless they are completely stated. Well, you may know that about me considering if you are reading this blog you probably know me personally and therefore you would also know how gullible I am. I need things to be laid out for me to understand.
So, when Patrick and I went on our little lunch picnic, I knew it was time!
This guy is freaking amazing!
I can't wait for when I'm done with City Year and he's done with school so we can spend more time together besides just the weekends. Absolutely-100%-can't wait!
I need to like take Alysse, the girl who made us meet each other at Rplace, out or something because she did a damn fine job.
Oh, PS - I got offered a job for post-City Year.
Aside from the predictable margaritas and tequila shots in celebration of this holiday, Patrick and I finally made us official.
I don't know about you, but I tend to be on the fence about things unless they are completely stated. Well, you may know that about me considering if you are reading this blog you probably know me personally and therefore you would also know how gullible I am. I need things to be laid out for me to understand.
So, when Patrick and I went on our little lunch picnic, I knew it was time!
This guy is freaking amazing!
I can't wait for when I'm done with City Year and he's done with school so we can spend more time together besides just the weekends. Absolutely-100%-can't wait!
I need to like take Alysse, the girl who made us meet each other at Rplace, out or something because she did a damn fine job.
Oh, PS - I got offered a job for post-City Year.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Two Sides to Everything
There are always two sides to absolutely everything. City Year, a non-profit organization that does amazing things for both corps members and kids is also an organization that has internal difficulties. Things that I know are bothering me and a few other people that I work with.
I sent out a pretty extensive email yesterday morning to all of the service leaders and some of the corps members that I genuinely wanted to hear what their opinion was. Below is a copy of the email I sent. I think that it pretty much sums up my feelings regarding City Year in general at the moment and since City Year is consuming my life these days, this email will help portray my current state of mind.
The responses I have received far have ranged from anywhere from complete support to complete disagreement.
Here it is, feel free to give your own feedback if you have any or if you want to say anything at all:
Hey Folks,
I am emailing you because basically I am having a lot of problems justifying not doing City Year for a second year. I would only come back as a Service Leader to Seattle and work with Young Heroes. Other options are really not attractive to me (well, that's a lie, I think I would like Clanci's role). However, I am also ready to move on with my life (I'm freaking 24!).
I have been talking with people a bit and have generated a long list of questions or rambles or whatever you want to call them.
I am emailing you (everyone has been BC-ed) because I am genuinely interested in your opinion regarding an answer to any or all of these inquiries. You really don't have to, but you might be helping me out if you can answer at least some of them. Also, I think it would be hecka hard to talk to everyone in person and still stay on topic.
I honestly don't care about nice-ness. Please be as blunt and honest in your opinion as possible. I also realize that some of you have never been a corps member and I know which of you this applies to but feel free to mark that in any case.
1) How does students loans work with being a Service Leader? I know that right now I receive some sort of deferment with my loans but I still accrue interest because I am not serving a full year. Does this change with the responsibilities of being a Service Leader?
2) Does being a SL give you the chance to cause change? Are your voices heard? Are you listened to by the leadership in CY? Are any actions taken to alleviate concerns of SLs? Have you ever tried to affect change? I knew people in college who left my fraternity because they didn't agree with certain aspects. I never understood why they didn't want to stay and make things different just by being vocal. I am not sure if by not coming back that I would be doing what they are doing. That also being said, are there any systems set in place that allow us to cause change? Right now, I feel like there isn't.
3) If this applies to you, why aren't you coming back as a SL?
4) If this applies to you, why are you coming back?
5) I have used this statement a bit: "Everything I like about City Year I can gain from being a volunteer with Young Heroes on Saturdays." Is this viable if I don't necessarily agree with other aspects of the organization? I love my kids, but I don't really love the day to day stuff.
6) What do you want done differently?
7) Did you experience any personal growth during your term with City Year? Do you think this was a result from being in City Year or was it a coincidence that you also happened to be in City Year at the same time?
8) As far as SL goes, how much difference is there between that and being a CM?
9) If you are not coming back or are completing your maximum amount of years with AmeriCorps, are you planning on staying affiliated with City Year in some way?
10) Gayatri made a statement after Ripples of Hope that really struck a cord with me: "I have never been more of proud of all of you than I am right now." Yeah, we as a corps rocked out at RoH and I definitely understand the necessity to gain sponsors and money for our organization, yet that is secondary to the service. Why isn't service our highest value? Why isn't our leadership (I understand that this is a generalization and that is intended) most proud of us when we are coaching a student through a tough paragraph or teaching a new way to look at a math problem? Why does it seem like the white collar part of City Year valued more than working in the actual trenches?
11) Also during Ripples of Hope, changes were made to certain parts of the PT routine and that's fine. The delivery of the changes was my problem. In the very beginning of City Year we had to do workshops and practice (remember with Cecil?) how to speak to other people without causing conflict. I understand completely that pre-RoH was stressful and that people make mistakes, however, accusatory tones and words were used in presenting changes to the entire corps regarding certain things that were completely unacceptable. Being in a position of leadership comes with added responsibilities. Part of that is treating the people who work with you and under you with respect. How do you feel about the general vibe of corps member treatment within City Year?
12) Something that Charlie spoke of at his little shindig on Friday was that City Year provides experience and growth for both the corps member and the students that corps member works with. Tackling both at the same time is obviously difficult. Should City Year focus on one? Should that be service? Or are all of the other requirements outside of service for the corps members necessary?
13) It appears, at least to me, that sometimes some issues within City Year are more focused on than others. I could also just be biased. We spent a lot of time focusing in on racism above all other issues. So much that the topic was not even something that the average corps member was involved with (the City Heroes and Young Heroes teams do their own curriculum on racism). Where was the unit on homosexuality? Why was so much of our energy spent on racism when domestic violence, substance abuse, hunger and homelessness, etc., are all equally important and equally crippling to parts of this nation?
14) What's the point to Legacy Binders if we never look at them? My team has never been presented with our Legacy Binder from last year. Uh? Why are we making the same mistakes that past teams have made? And then being told that we are making these sames mistakes after the fact? Has this been something other teams have experienced (for whoever this applies to)?
15) Who's officially left City Year? There seems to be a corps member turnover that is glossed over or kept in silence. I know who is no longer in City Year but what happened with letting the rest of us know? Are we not in a position to know? It seems like somewhere between the questions "Who's gone?" and "Who's officially gone?" that the memo of telling everyone else gets lost.
16) What do you think or feel about some sites moving to different locations next year? What do you think will be difficult in this transition?
17) Is it possible to give back outside of City Year? My program manager said that I will be losing out on this opportunity if I don't come back next year. In a sense, this is true as I will be too old to come back if I don't return next year. I absolutely am not done with affecting change societally. Do you think it's viable to cause change outside of an organization that is so directly involved with making things happen?
18) Is it okay to trust the system with the students I work with now? They were okay before me, will they still be okay after me?
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and for all of my life, things have become clear in one direction or another. However, with this, I am so completely stuck in limbo. It's like I need to stop being so fate driven and need to start taking my own direction it sucks.
I know this is hecka long, so feel free in taking your time.
Or deleting the entire email.
Later,
Josh
I sent out a pretty extensive email yesterday morning to all of the service leaders and some of the corps members that I genuinely wanted to hear what their opinion was. Below is a copy of the email I sent. I think that it pretty much sums up my feelings regarding City Year in general at the moment and since City Year is consuming my life these days, this email will help portray my current state of mind.
The responses I have received far have ranged from anywhere from complete support to complete disagreement.
Here it is, feel free to give your own feedback if you have any or if you want to say anything at all:
Hey Folks,
I am emailing you because basically I am having a lot of problems justifying not doing City Year for a second year. I would only come back as a Service Leader to Seattle and work with Young Heroes. Other options are really not attractive to me (well, that's a lie, I think I would like Clanci's role). However, I am also ready to move on with my life (I'm freaking 24!).
I have been talking with people a bit and have generated a long list of questions or rambles or whatever you want to call them.
I am emailing you (everyone has been BC-ed) because I am genuinely interested in your opinion regarding an answer to any or all of these inquiries. You really don't have to, but you might be helping me out if you can answer at least some of them. Also, I think it would be hecka hard to talk to everyone in person and still stay on topic.
I honestly don't care about nice-ness. Please be as blunt and honest in your opinion as possible. I also realize that some of you have never been a corps member and I know which of you this applies to but feel free to mark that in any case.
1) How does students loans work with being a Service Leader? I know that right now I receive some sort of deferment with my loans but I still accrue interest because I am not serving a full year. Does this change with the responsibilities of being a Service Leader?
2) Does being a SL give you the chance to cause change? Are your voices heard? Are you listened to by the leadership in CY? Are any actions taken to alleviate concerns of SLs? Have you ever tried to affect change? I knew people in college who left my fraternity because they didn't agree with certain aspects. I never understood why they didn't want to stay and make things different just by being vocal. I am not sure if by not coming back that I would be doing what they are doing. That also being said, are there any systems set in place that allow us to cause change? Right now, I feel like there isn't.
3) If this applies to you, why aren't you coming back as a SL?
4) If this applies to you, why are you coming back?
5) I have used this statement a bit: "Everything I like about City Year I can gain from being a volunteer with Young Heroes on Saturdays." Is this viable if I don't necessarily agree with other aspects of the organization? I love my kids, but I don't really love the day to day stuff.
6) What do you want done differently?
7) Did you experience any personal growth during your term with City Year? Do you think this was a result from being in City Year or was it a coincidence that you also happened to be in City Year at the same time?
8) As far as SL goes, how much difference is there between that and being a CM?
9) If you are not coming back or are completing your maximum amount of years with AmeriCorps, are you planning on staying affiliated with City Year in some way?
10) Gayatri made a statement after Ripples of Hope that really struck a cord with me: "I have never been more of proud of all of you than I am right now." Yeah, we as a corps rocked out at RoH and I definitely understand the necessity to gain sponsors and money for our organization, yet that is secondary to the service. Why isn't service our highest value? Why isn't our leadership (I understand that this is a generalization and that is intended) most proud of us when we are coaching a student through a tough paragraph or teaching a new way to look at a math problem? Why does it seem like the white collar part of City Year valued more than working in the actual trenches?
11) Also during Ripples of Hope, changes were made to certain parts of the PT routine and that's fine. The delivery of the changes was my problem. In the very beginning of City Year we had to do workshops and practice (remember with Cecil?) how to speak to other people without causing conflict. I understand completely that pre-RoH was stressful and that people make mistakes, however, accusatory tones and words were used in presenting changes to the entire corps regarding certain things that were completely unacceptable. Being in a position of leadership comes with added responsibilities. Part of that is treating the people who work with you and under you with respect. How do you feel about the general vibe of corps member treatment within City Year?
12) Something that Charlie spoke of at his little shindig on Friday was that City Year provides experience and growth for both the corps member and the students that corps member works with. Tackling both at the same time is obviously difficult. Should City Year focus on one? Should that be service? Or are all of the other requirements outside of service for the corps members necessary?
13) It appears, at least to me, that sometimes some issues within City Year are more focused on than others. I could also just be biased. We spent a lot of time focusing in on racism above all other issues. So much that the topic was not even something that the average corps member was involved with (the City Heroes and Young Heroes teams do their own curriculum on racism). Where was the unit on homosexuality? Why was so much of our energy spent on racism when domestic violence, substance abuse, hunger and homelessness, etc., are all equally important and equally crippling to parts of this nation?
14) What's the point to Legacy Binders if we never look at them? My team has never been presented with our Legacy Binder from last year. Uh? Why are we making the same mistakes that past teams have made? And then being told that we are making these sames mistakes after the fact? Has this been something other teams have experienced (for whoever this applies to)?
15) Who's officially left City Year? There seems to be a corps member turnover that is glossed over or kept in silence. I know who is no longer in City Year but what happened with letting the rest of us know? Are we not in a position to know? It seems like somewhere between the questions "Who's gone?" and "Who's officially gone?" that the memo of telling everyone else gets lost.
16) What do you think or feel about some sites moving to different locations next year? What do you think will be difficult in this transition?
17) Is it possible to give back outside of City Year? My program manager said that I will be losing out on this opportunity if I don't come back next year. In a sense, this is true as I will be too old to come back if I don't return next year. I absolutely am not done with affecting change societally. Do you think it's viable to cause change outside of an organization that is so directly involved with making things happen?
18) Is it okay to trust the system with the students I work with now? They were okay before me, will they still be okay after me?
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and for all of my life, things have become clear in one direction or another. However, with this, I am so completely stuck in limbo. It's like I need to stop being so fate driven and need to start taking my own direction it sucks.
I know this is hecka long, so feel free in taking your time.
Or deleting the entire email.
Later,
Josh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)