Someone I work with just passed me a SGN (Seattle Gay News) and the front cover was an article about the Governor of Washing (Christine Gregoire) signing a bill into law allowing for Domestic Partnership in the state of Washington. This adds over 170 rights to same sex couples and is second only to states like California, Connecticut, New Jersey, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Oregon in rights available to same sex couples.
Sounds like positive progress to me!
(And another reason to never go home)
Life is a play. Someone is always watching. This blog is nothing but what a 20-something man finds noteworthy.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A New (or Old) Way of Communicating
Yeah, I'm drunk. I'm writing this post while intoxicated before I head out on the town in Seattle.
Does this reflect positively on me? Probably not. Most people I know think I'm an alcoholic although my drinking is very controlled these days (those who who knew me in college are going to be a bit surprised while those that know me know would be appalled to see who I was in college). This is just me, just who I am.
There is this quote that I heard, I believe from Scott Woods although he got it from someone else, that says "Everyday I wake up with the desire the change the world and the desire to simply sit back and enjoy its majesty." Or something like that. I don't really know and don't really care about the exact wordage right now. However, I struggle with something like this everyday. It's simply a part of my job. Where I work, I struggle with trying to accomplish things as well as allowing the culture that has been cultivated to flourish and show itself.
Everyday I put together something for the kids I work with. I love all of them with all of my heart. I think I've always been a softy with a bit of a trouble maker side. All I want for all of them is the best out of life and somehow, through my twisted mind, I feel like I know what that is and I can direct them to the "correct" path. I don't really know where this paragraph (or, fuck, this entire post, is going) but whatever. We've had some of our students quit the program recently and it has been
...
The above was as far as I got before I was too drunk to continue. I can only assume that I forgot about what I was writing and decided going out was more important.
We have had some students quit lately. Part of that is because of outside influences. Actually, the majority of their reasons for quitting are because of outside reasons. Parents are no longer able to commit to bringing their kids every Saturday. Some have joined sports teams. Some have decided that they would rather sleep in and watch cartoons.
Who knows. All I can say is that our enrollment is down and our team is spread too thin among everything we have to do to really focus on remedying this.
Last week (the week before the Saturday night that I started writing this drunken post) was hell. We had an event Thursday night called Heroes Showcase to plan, a service day on Saturday called Roots of Poverty, meeting with our nationals representative, and I also had to continue planning for my last committee responsibility Dreams for Rainier Beach High School on Friday. I was also asked to help out with an event on Wednesday night and represent City Year at a GSBA dinner. However, my Dreams lead wouldn't let me go. I had to stay at the office and go over absolutely everything in preparation for Dreams on Friday.
If this is grownup life, I am not a fan.
On a good note, I have a job interview this Friday with a child development program here in Seattle. I am so glad that I have at least taken the time to line something else up for post-City Year. At least it makes it that much more real that I will not be doing City Year again and that there are other options outside of CY.
Soccer has been going better than ever and I've made a ton of improvements to my game. One noticeable thing is my tendency to play offense. I was always a defender when I was younger but now, I love playing forward and mid-field. I was never really given the option of playing up back in the day and now I am kind of wondering why not. Well, I probably know the reason, I'm in a lot better shape now than when I was younger, even when I was in high school. I absolutely love this game. I so wish I had been good enough to play this sport professionally! haha
Next week I am going back to Missouri for my fraternity's alumni weekend and I am absolutely stoked. Shit, I already have an outfit for it as well. I can't wait to see everyone and crash our old haunts again.
Last Saturday was crazy. I went out with Art and we hit up his old favorites Madison Pub, Cuff, and Neighbors (okay, well, Neighbors isn't one of his favorite places - but we did have a hot dog from a vendor right afterwards, which he loved). I saw people I knew at each place we went to so I felt a bit like a big deal. Although, at Neighbors, the two individuals I saw were Brady and Mario. Neither of whom talk to me anymore. I avoided both of them while there and am pretty sure they never saw me. Well, that's a lie. One of the guys in Brady's group was pointing my direction and that could have lead Brady to see me. I was successful in avoiding contact and convinced Art to leave shortly afterwards. I realized sometime that night how comfortable I was with Art, both intoxicated and not so much intoxicated. I seem to compare a lot of the guys I meet with him. Which is weird. I am way more comfortable around him than I was even with Michael and I spent more time with Michael than I did with Art during that time in my life. Art is the first guy I met here outside of City Year and most definitely the first one I have liked. I think that originally, we did not advance because of me and now the two of us are so busy and on to different things and different people that we won't be able to be anything but friends. It's a bit sad, hah, because he's an awesome guy. Guess that's what I get right? Karma!
The night that I started writing this post, I was admittedly drunk before I went out. I was going to see if I could brave the Cuff on my own but chickened out as soon as I got to Capitol Hill. I went to Rplace (an old favorite of mine) on my own. I have done this before, but I normally don't like to be on my own in places like this. I felt pretty comfortable, however, and I didn't get wasted, which was a huge bonus (and boost to my personal goals). I noticed that some guys near where I was hanging out kept watching me and I was absolutely not attracted to any of them. I refused to make eye contact and put on my best "I dare you to try and approach me"-look. I think it worked, because they never did. Eventually, some guy came me and this group pounced on him. Apparently, some of them work with him and already knew him. I was, however, attracted to him. They talked with him a bit and then he came over to me and introduced himself.
I spent the rest of the night talking to this guy (named Kris) and had a really good time. We danced to one song, talk some more, and then left. He was too drunk to drive so we went to his friend's place and crashed on a couch. I spent the next morning with him and his friend. We went to breakfast and then home. I also went to his house and stayed over Sunday night as well. I like the guy quite a bit and am definitely down for seeing where things go with him. I make it clear that I am only interested in dating these days and possibly starting a relationship; he shares that aspect as well. I'm not going to let my introvertedness screw another thing up for me. This one, I am going to try hard to just be me right off the bat.
I'll let you know how that goes.
On Being Gay:
I have always prided myself on being unidentifiable as a gay man. That I appear straight and that I act straight. That my gayness is not something you would be able to stereotype me with.
I have always looked down on typical gay guys. I have been discriminating towards people exactly like me. Exactly like me in their lifestyle if not in personality and action. I have looked down on feminism in men and despised any type of flamboyant behavior.
Lately, I have been trying to figure out why. Why are there pride bracelets? Why are there pride parades? It's true that I definitely do not think these things should have to be here. However, they are, and that has finally made it past my walls to get me to wonder why. Why are things like this around?
It's because they have to be. People who are not universally accepted feel a need to be steadfast in the face of oppression. Pride bracelets, emblems, shirts, parades, bumper stickers, necklaces, rings, window decals, etc. are all here because they need to be. An entire community of people are still being limited and oppressed. This community has the right and the privilege to stand up for themselves. If standing up for yourself can be done as peacefully as this, who has any right to be like me and look derisively upon these items or actions? No one has that right.
How wrong I have been
I'm buying a damn pride bracelet.
On Racism:
This same point of view needs to be something adopted by the Caucasian community as it stands in the United States. It's no lie that a lot of what people consider racism extends primarily to "white" people (classification based on colors is completely stupid - I am not white, thanks). Many Caucasian Americans do not see the need for programs, scholarships, and other incentives for people who are considered minorities. The simple fact is that these things do need to exist
because there are still old traditionally inept individuals who haven't received the memo that racism and racist behaviors are things of the past. Or, at least they should be. Caucasian people have no difficulties in job placements (hah, except at City Year! sorry Caucasian females!) or school advancement. The Caucasian community tends to protect its own above all others and severely limits the opportunities for individuals of other ethnic backgrounds.
The first step is always self awareness.
"I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within." - India Arie
Does this reflect positively on me? Probably not. Most people I know think I'm an alcoholic although my drinking is very controlled these days (those who who knew me in college are going to be a bit surprised while those that know me know would be appalled to see who I was in college). This is just me, just who I am.
There is this quote that I heard, I believe from Scott Woods although he got it from someone else, that says "Everyday I wake up with the desire the change the world and the desire to simply sit back and enjoy its majesty." Or something like that. I don't really know and don't really care about the exact wordage right now. However, I struggle with something like this everyday. It's simply a part of my job. Where I work, I struggle with trying to accomplish things as well as allowing the culture that has been cultivated to flourish and show itself.
Everyday I put together something for the kids I work with. I love all of them with all of my heart. I think I've always been a softy with a bit of a trouble maker side. All I want for all of them is the best out of life and somehow, through my twisted mind, I feel like I know what that is and I can direct them to the "correct" path. I don't really know where this paragraph (or, fuck, this entire post, is going) but whatever. We've had some of our students quit the program recently and it has been
...
The above was as far as I got before I was too drunk to continue. I can only assume that I forgot about what I was writing and decided going out was more important.
We have had some students quit lately. Part of that is because of outside influences. Actually, the majority of their reasons for quitting are because of outside reasons. Parents are no longer able to commit to bringing their kids every Saturday. Some have joined sports teams. Some have decided that they would rather sleep in and watch cartoons.
Who knows. All I can say is that our enrollment is down and our team is spread too thin among everything we have to do to really focus on remedying this.
Last week (the week before the Saturday night that I started writing this drunken post) was hell. We had an event Thursday night called Heroes Showcase to plan, a service day on Saturday called Roots of Poverty, meeting with our nationals representative, and I also had to continue planning for my last committee responsibility Dreams for Rainier Beach High School on Friday. I was also asked to help out with an event on Wednesday night and represent City Year at a GSBA dinner. However, my Dreams lead wouldn't let me go. I had to stay at the office and go over absolutely everything in preparation for Dreams on Friday.
If this is grownup life, I am not a fan.
On a good note, I have a job interview this Friday with a child development program here in Seattle. I am so glad that I have at least taken the time to line something else up for post-City Year. At least it makes it that much more real that I will not be doing City Year again and that there are other options outside of CY.
Soccer has been going better than ever and I've made a ton of improvements to my game. One noticeable thing is my tendency to play offense. I was always a defender when I was younger but now, I love playing forward and mid-field. I was never really given the option of playing up back in the day and now I am kind of wondering why not. Well, I probably know the reason, I'm in a lot better shape now than when I was younger, even when I was in high school. I absolutely love this game. I so wish I had been good enough to play this sport professionally! haha
Next week I am going back to Missouri for my fraternity's alumni weekend and I am absolutely stoked. Shit, I already have an outfit for it as well. I can't wait to see everyone and crash our old haunts again.
Last Saturday was crazy. I went out with Art and we hit up his old favorites Madison Pub, Cuff, and Neighbors (okay, well, Neighbors isn't one of his favorite places - but we did have a hot dog from a vendor right afterwards, which he loved). I saw people I knew at each place we went to so I felt a bit like a big deal. Although, at Neighbors, the two individuals I saw were Brady and Mario. Neither of whom talk to me anymore. I avoided both of them while there and am pretty sure they never saw me. Well, that's a lie. One of the guys in Brady's group was pointing my direction and that could have lead Brady to see me. I was successful in avoiding contact and convinced Art to leave shortly afterwards. I realized sometime that night how comfortable I was with Art, both intoxicated and not so much intoxicated. I seem to compare a lot of the guys I meet with him. Which is weird. I am way more comfortable around him than I was even with Michael and I spent more time with Michael than I did with Art during that time in my life. Art is the first guy I met here outside of City Year and most definitely the first one I have liked. I think that originally, we did not advance because of me and now the two of us are so busy and on to different things and different people that we won't be able to be anything but friends. It's a bit sad, hah, because he's an awesome guy. Guess that's what I get right? Karma!
The night that I started writing this post, I was admittedly drunk before I went out. I was going to see if I could brave the Cuff on my own but chickened out as soon as I got to Capitol Hill. I went to Rplace (an old favorite of mine) on my own. I have done this before, but I normally don't like to be on my own in places like this. I felt pretty comfortable, however, and I didn't get wasted, which was a huge bonus (and boost to my personal goals). I noticed that some guys near where I was hanging out kept watching me and I was absolutely not attracted to any of them. I refused to make eye contact and put on my best "I dare you to try and approach me"-look. I think it worked, because they never did. Eventually, some guy came me and this group pounced on him. Apparently, some of them work with him and already knew him. I was, however, attracted to him. They talked with him a bit and then he came over to me and introduced himself.
I spent the rest of the night talking to this guy (named Kris) and had a really good time. We danced to one song, talk some more, and then left. He was too drunk to drive so we went to his friend's place and crashed on a couch. I spent the next morning with him and his friend. We went to breakfast and then home. I also went to his house and stayed over Sunday night as well. I like the guy quite a bit and am definitely down for seeing where things go with him. I make it clear that I am only interested in dating these days and possibly starting a relationship; he shares that aspect as well. I'm not going to let my introvertedness screw another thing up for me. This one, I am going to try hard to just be me right off the bat.
I'll let you know how that goes.
On Being Gay:
I have always prided myself on being unidentifiable as a gay man. That I appear straight and that I act straight. That my gayness is not something you would be able to stereotype me with.
I have always looked down on typical gay guys. I have been discriminating towards people exactly like me. Exactly like me in their lifestyle if not in personality and action. I have looked down on feminism in men and despised any type of flamboyant behavior.
Lately, I have been trying to figure out why. Why are there pride bracelets? Why are there pride parades? It's true that I definitely do not think these things should have to be here. However, they are, and that has finally made it past my walls to get me to wonder why. Why are things like this around?
It's because they have to be. People who are not universally accepted feel a need to be steadfast in the face of oppression. Pride bracelets, emblems, shirts, parades, bumper stickers, necklaces, rings, window decals, etc. are all here because they need to be. An entire community of people are still being limited and oppressed. This community has the right and the privilege to stand up for themselves. If standing up for yourself can be done as peacefully as this, who has any right to be like me and look derisively upon these items or actions? No one has that right.
How wrong I have been
I'm buying a damn pride bracelet.
On Racism:
This same point of view needs to be something adopted by the Caucasian community as it stands in the United States. It's no lie that a lot of what people consider racism extends primarily to "white" people (classification based on colors is completely stupid - I am not white, thanks). Many Caucasian Americans do not see the need for programs, scholarships, and other incentives for people who are considered minorities. The simple fact is that these things do need to exist

The first step is always self awareness.
"I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within." - India Arie
Friday, March 07, 2008
Notifications
So, this week has been going pretty much like normal. Working a lot and attempting to stay positive about things. I've been successful, pretty much, about staying positive towards how much I work and how very little free time I have. We've even been able to get ahead as far as Saturday Service Learning planning. That alone is a huge improvement.
Tonight on the bus ride home, I think I slept (or passed out) for a minute or two (I am so freaking tired all the time!) and when I woke up, my eyes were immediately drawn to a man and woman sitting across from me. I had noticed when the two had both sat there and was pretty sure that they were not together. However, the man's hand was right up next to the woman's butt and it looked like he had one of his fingers in her back pocket. I immediately thought that my first observation was wrong (I am a pretty observant fella when I'm not drunk). I didn't really pay it any mind until the woman got up, alone, and moved to an open seat towards the front of the bus.
Then things started to click: this man was actually being a butt head. A real live butt head sitting right across from me!
I thought: "Wow, so this is one of those men that gives the rest of us bad reputations."
He compounded the issue when he gathered up this obnoxious suitcase (it was freaking unzipped, mind you, on a metro bus) and slid over into her old seat. I was like "Is he really going to do what I think he's going to do?"
Yes, he was. He got up when the bus started moving again (this is two stops after the woman has moved) and sat right next to her in the front. The look she gave him was priceless. She wasted absolutely no time in moving back into her old seat directly across from me (if you are not familiar with buses, there are some seats that run along the bus where the passengers face one another and have their knees towards the isle - this is where we were sitting on our bus). The man stayed where she left him the second time, thankfully, but he totally succeeded in turning her off.
Here's your notification, fella: You, sir, are a douche bag.
Another interesting thing happened today. I called my mom to tell her some good news and during the conversation she accidentally let it slip that my brother, Jake, is getting married. Apparently he asked his current girlfriend (now his fiance?) to marry him over Christmas. She only found out a week ago when he needed to get some information from her (how to spell her ridiculously Polish maiden name) and did so via email.
What the fuck? Is that how you tell your mom that you're getting married? I know that our mom hasn't particularly been around for most of our lives, but we were raised to be better than that. We were fucking raised to be gentlemen (yeah I know, I fail, but he didn't until this shit).
Then I realized... this fucker hadn't even told me! I'm his damn brother! The ONLY person on this planet with almost the exact same DNA as his shitty ass, the ONLY person on this planet who put with him for the entire time he's been alive, and the ONLY person who knows exactly what kind of life he has lived.
What the fuck?
I haven't seriously talked to Jake since I came to Seattle. I've called, numerous times, once even got to talk to him only to find out that he only wanted to get our mom's information from me. He promptly hung up afterwards. Then, another time, I talked to him for all of five minutes until he said he was going to hang up so he can call his girlfriend. That's only listing the two times I've had a conversation with Jake since I moved here in August. There are also many other times where I called and never received a call back.
So, I gave up. His ass can call me. One thing that you need to know about me is that I'm not a chaser. I don't go after people after a certain amount of effort. If they are not willing to respond back in kind, or at least show interest, then I stop putting forth the effort. I tried hard with Jake because he's my damn brother. The only sibling of five that I am really really close to.
I called my dad to find out how long he's known. Apparently, he knew way back before Christmas even that the two of them were talking about getting married. And he also knew when she said yes. What the hell!? Am I crazy!? Is this normal!? How the fuck can you keep something like this a secret?
My own damn brother is getting married and NO ONE WANTS TO TELL ME!
Jake, here's your notification: You, brother, have just become a douche bag as well.
On a lighter note: I got some great news while at work today.
There is an event coming up for City Year called Ripples of Hope. It's a gala type of event; basically, a really big deal. All of the corps members have certain roles to play during this event but none of us really knew about there being important roles as well. I signed up for networking and to be placed at one of the dinner tables to keep guests company.
This event is supposed to be huge and I didn't want to miss a chance to get my name out there. Screw not knowing these people, I was going to whore myself out socially.
However, I may not really get a decision in this.
My boss comes up to me today and asks if he can speak to me. I think I'm in trouble again, but go along with it. He tells me that me and another corps member (I'm not sure if she knows yet, so I am not going to put her name on here) have been selected to present an award to a pretty well known individual.
The Bill Gates Foundation has a done a lot of terrific things. So terrific, that I am not even really sure what they are! But, it looks like I'm going to have to find out since I, and this other corps member, will be presenting the award to the current presidents of this organization Bill and Minnie Gates (the dad and stepmother of the famously rich Bill Gates). That means, she and I will be standing up on stage with these two while a whole array of guest speakers talk about them and then we will thank them, present them with awards and CY jackets, and pose in pictures with them. Wow. What's more is that she and I will also be sitting at their table for the dinner and engaging everyone in conversation for the night. Holy shit. Here's me, barely making it paycheck to paycheck suddenly being seated with and conversing with people who could buy a billion people like me. Much less totally trump all of the good I've done with the tremendous amounts of positive changed they've affected. Talk about overwhelming.
But that's not it.
After letting a bit of that settle in, my boss opens up a folder and inside there is a picture of me with my first name next to it and a quote about why I serve that I had written awhile ago.
I am the new freaking poster boy for City Year...!
Or, at least, City Year Seattle/King County.
How do things like this happen? Why was I chosen? The kids are the only thing that keep me going, not the organization, yet here I am, about to have my face plastered on a poster with something mushy written next to it. I am amazed.
And I will admit, I almost cried when I found out.
Here's my notification: You, Josh, have got a lot more work to do before you can die.
Adios.
Tonight on the bus ride home, I think I slept (or passed out) for a minute or two (I am so freaking tired all the time!) and when I woke up, my eyes were immediately drawn to a man and woman sitting across from me. I had noticed when the two had both sat there and was pretty sure that they were not together. However, the man's hand was right up next to the woman's butt and it looked like he had one of his fingers in her back pocket. I immediately thought that my first observation was wrong (I am a pretty observant fella when I'm not drunk). I didn't really pay it any mind until the woman got up, alone, and moved to an open seat towards the front of the bus.
Then things started to click: this man was actually being a butt head. A real live butt head sitting right across from me!
I thought: "Wow, so this is one of those men that gives the rest of us bad reputations."
He compounded the issue when he gathered up this obnoxious suitcase (it was freaking unzipped, mind you, on a metro bus) and slid over into her old seat. I was like "Is he really going to do what I think he's going to do?"
Yes, he was. He got up when the bus started moving again (this is two stops after the woman has moved) and sat right next to her in the front. The look she gave him was priceless. She wasted absolutely no time in moving back into her old seat directly across from me (if you are not familiar with buses, there are some seats that run along the bus where the passengers face one another and have their knees towards the isle - this is where we were sitting on our bus). The man stayed where she left him the second time, thankfully, but he totally succeeded in turning her off.
Here's your notification, fella: You, sir, are a douche bag.
Another interesting thing happened today. I called my mom to tell her some good news and during the conversation she accidentally let it slip that my brother, Jake, is getting married. Apparently he asked his current girlfriend (now his fiance?) to marry him over Christmas. She only found out a week ago when he needed to get some information from her (how to spell her ridiculously Polish maiden name) and did so via email.
What the fuck? Is that how you tell your mom that you're getting married? I know that our mom hasn't particularly been around for most of our lives, but we were raised to be better than that. We were fucking raised to be gentlemen (yeah I know, I fail, but he didn't until this shit).
Then I realized... this fucker hadn't even told me! I'm his damn brother! The ONLY person on this planet with almost the exact same DNA as his shitty ass, the ONLY person on this planet who put with him for the entire time he's been alive, and the ONLY person who knows exactly what kind of life he has lived.
What the fuck?
I haven't seriously talked to Jake since I came to Seattle. I've called, numerous times, once even got to talk to him only to find out that he only wanted to get our mom's information from me. He promptly hung up afterwards. Then, another time, I talked to him for all of five minutes until he said he was going to hang up so he can call his girlfriend. That's only listing the two times I've had a conversation with Jake since I moved here in August. There are also many other times where I called and never received a call back.
So, I gave up. His ass can call me. One thing that you need to know about me is that I'm not a chaser. I don't go after people after a certain amount of effort. If they are not willing to respond back in kind, or at least show interest, then I stop putting forth the effort. I tried hard with Jake because he's my damn brother. The only sibling of five that I am really really close to.
I called my dad to find out how long he's known. Apparently, he knew way back before Christmas even that the two of them were talking about getting married. And he also knew when she said yes. What the hell!? Am I crazy!? Is this normal!? How the fuck can you keep something like this a secret?
My own damn brother is getting married and NO ONE WANTS TO TELL ME!
Jake, here's your notification: You, brother, have just become a douche bag as well.
On a lighter note: I got some great news while at work today.
There is an event coming up for City Year called Ripples of Hope. It's a gala type of event; basically, a really big deal. All of the corps members have certain roles to play during this event but none of us really knew about there being important roles as well. I signed up for networking and to be placed at one of the dinner tables to keep guests company.
This event is supposed to be huge and I didn't want to miss a chance to get my name out there. Screw not knowing these people, I was going to whore myself out socially.
However, I may not really get a decision in this.
My boss comes up to me today and asks if he can speak to me. I think I'm in trouble again, but go along with it. He tells me that me and another corps member (I'm not sure if she knows yet, so I am not going to put her name on here) have been selected to present an award to a pretty well known individual.
The Bill Gates Foundation has a done a lot of terrific things. So terrific, that I am not even really sure what they are! But, it looks like I'm going to have to find out since I, and this other corps member, will be presenting the award to the current presidents of this organization Bill and Minnie Gates (the dad and stepmother of the famously rich Bill Gates). That means, she and I will be standing up on stage with these two while a whole array of guest speakers talk about them and then we will thank them, present them with awards and CY jackets, and pose in pictures with them. Wow. What's more is that she and I will also be sitting at their table for the dinner and engaging everyone in conversation for the night. Holy shit. Here's me, barely making it paycheck to paycheck suddenly being seated with and conversing with people who could buy a billion people like me. Much less totally trump all of the good I've done with the tremendous amounts of positive changed they've affected. Talk about overwhelming.
But that's not it.
After letting a bit of that settle in, my boss opens up a folder and inside there is a picture of me with my first name next to it and a quote about why I serve that I had written awhile ago.
I am the new freaking poster boy for City Year...!
Or, at least, City Year Seattle/King County.
How do things like this happen? Why was I chosen? The kids are the only thing that keep me going, not the organization, yet here I am, about to have my face plastered on a poster with something mushy written next to it. I am amazed.
And I will admit, I almost cried when I found out.
Here's my notification: You, Josh, have got a lot more work to do before you can die.
Adios.
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