Posting is Posting

Haha, what the fuck was up with my last posting? Wait, I know. Getting lost for two hours after a complete and utter shut down is enough to break anyone's mood.

As far as life goes, I'm stressed out to the max. I'm working a ton for both jobs and my personality, mood, outlook, etc. is completely taking a plunge.

I'm back at that "I hate everything about City Year" phase again. I detest the uniform, the office work, the stupid games we play, all of it. All I want to do is give it up. I hate being labeled as a quitter, but didn't I once say that "have fun with whatever you are doing because if you aren't having fun, it's not worth doing"? I am pretty sure I did. I know it's a motto that I live by, so I must have declared it at some point in my life. Right now, City Year is not fun. All I want is for it be over. And I could accomplish that. I could stop showing up to City Year tomorrow. Completely erase it from my life.

One thing keeps me going.

My kids. My students, I love them. God, how ridiculous it is that my entire day is brightened by these young people. How amazing that simply being around them on a Saturday will make everything okay and golden. I admit it, I love my kids. Like I wrote, they are the only thing keeping me attached to City Year. It's not like I didn't know that CY was going to be rough. I mean hell, one of their "PITW"s even states: "City Year is hard. Be strong." I should have known that I wasn't ready for what I would be getting myself into. All I want is to hang out with the kids. I don't want any of the other bullshit that has to come along with that.

One of my roommates was driving me home from work today and I said I would be quitting. I had just gotten out of a meeting with my entire team and I was in complete hate mode. Through the talking and all of the other crap on the way back, I kept considering the weight of me leaving. Curriculum would be down a member, my team would be down a member, my kids would no longer have me there... any number of things. On one hand, I could finally focus on myself like I really want to. On the other, I could still get to see my kids almost every weekend. I ultimately decided that the kids completely made quitting not an option. I won't and I can't. Only for the kids, though. Not for my boss, not my service leader, and not even my team (sorry folks).

I am only here for them. That uniform is for them. The office shit is for them. The meetings is for them. The humility is for them. The shutting my mouth is for them. The old Josh would not approve, all of this for kids. And here's me, an individual who will not ever be able to have any of his own.

As far as that side of my life goes, some things are over, some are stagnant, and some new things are coming up.

Brady is gone, I believe. Although I'm not sure if it was me or him that made that decision. The entire thing is/was very much in limbo.

Rudy is confusing, although when I talked to a close friend who also knows him, I was reassured that the things he does he has always done. Basically, he never responds and is even considered a player by some people. Wonderful! Exactly who I want to do things with!

Josh is a bit off the wall, I think. Every time I see him something huge is going on. I don't know if I would like to be in that situation again, so I haven't been allowing myself to get close to him. Soon he will probably figure that out and get rid of me.

Travis is just Travis. He did come to our last game and I even invited him to go out with me that night. Although he never said no, he never said yes either and was gone before the rest of the team was done socializing at our after game hangout spot. That man, I swear, he's hard to read.

Jack is no longer an option like I thought he was. It actually turns out that he's straight. And has a girlfriend. I got my signals crossed. Haha, who would have known.

You know, I just wrote something, then deleted it, then re-wrote it, then deleted it again. Why? This is supposed to be my personal space. An area where I can air my laundry and get shit out. I can type whatever the fuck I want.

Chase is new to the scene kinda. He's Michael's roommate and someone who recently told me he has had a crush on me since he first met me when I was with Mike. We hung out last weekend (with other people too) and we ended up hooking up that night. You may think that there are a lot of guy names on here, but I rarely do anything serious with any of them. It's just my style. I don't know where this is going, although I have a feeling that it will be platonic. Possibly even as fuck buddies. As far as him being my ex's roommate, well, I guess we will always have to use my place, eh?

I also went home with Art Saturday night, but did not do anything too bad. Art is Art and will always be Art. He holds a little something special in my heart as being the first guy I met here in Seattle.

John is also new. It's strange how we met as it was through Facebook. There's this whole "interested" application thing that allows people to see what others who also have the application look like. He and I apparently clicked "Yes" on each other and Facebook identified us as a match. A poke war began with his initializing and with me finally messaging him. We chatted for a bit on AIM and then met this past week. Now this guy, I like quite a bit. Our humor is very similar and we fit on many more levels. The one thing is that he is leaving Seattle in May. My mind thinks: Why even try if my ultimate goal is a lasting relationship? The response that my heart gives is: Which is better, to ignore something that could be amazing even if it lasts only for a short while, or to embrace and experience that amazing-ness and remember it forever? To remember.

I'm sticking with the heart on this one, he better too.

I'm such a romantic sap.

Cheers. Off to the second job.