Observations

It's been a long time again. Maybe I suck at this whole blog thing, ha ha. I mean really, only Joel and Abbie read it anymore. Oh well.

A lot has happened since Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, definitely a lot.

I thought about making this post simply about things I've observed of people doing while here in Seattle but what I find interesting in people watching isn't always something that others would want to read about.

So I'm going to give you some background on something I know you'll love: my life. Ha ha!

Soccer is over for now. The regular season doesn't start back up until March or something. I did get offers to play for two more teams but decided against it. For one, the indoor team is way too expensive. I would love to do it, but my free time is hosed and my pockets are very empty. The other team just seems like it would be adding to the stress in my life rather than being a method for relaxation and fun. I've been on super competitive teams before and while I enjoy the challenge and having teammates who are competent I don't want my soccer game days to be ones where I am stressed out. The big tournament next season is in London. I think I missed my chance at being a part of it because I missed both tryout days. I had to work for City Year on both tryouts and am pretty sure that there are more than enough people wanting my spot for the team being sent to London. Oh well, I probably couldn't have afforded that either.

City Year has been busy as well. I went through one of my craptastic phases and laid into City Year a few weeks ago. The result wasn't pretty. I had problems with absolutely everything that went on and even snapped at a few of my kids. Even going so far as to antagonize two middle school girls who admittedly had smart mouths but should have also been handled a lot better by someone my age. I did my normal thing of revenge seeking as well and stopped doing work for my boss and my service leader. I just did whatever I wanted each day and even went so far as to leave work early one day. My goal was to piss them off or hurt them in some backhanded fashion and although I think I succeeded, I also succeeded in doing something I didn't want to do: hurt my team. Talking with my boss wasn't helping to change my disposition. I don't know if that's because of the way we both work out conflict or because he was one of the targets of my wrath. However, talking to another person who works for City Year helped, Petaki. I am positive that her insights as well as my blossoming sense that I was fucking up my team as well helped me to change my mood around.

I tried an experiment to see how I could fix things. I went into work as my old self. Jokingly, stupid, and playful. My team and my bosses noticed and thanked me for it. Things were on the up and my play acting started to have a positive affect on me as well. I went home to Missouri back on the ups with City Year and those I work closely with.

I left early December to head back home for my sister, Ashley's, wedding. She didn't want to have a huge wedding so she invited maybe 100 people. Unfortunately, it was snowing very badly in the Midwest. She had maybe 50 show up. Even still, everything turned out nicely and it was great to see my Missouri family. I even got to meet Ashley's baby, my niece, Aubrey. Aubrey was 6 weeks old at the time and still very little. I got to even hold her! I wish that there had been more chances for that, but everyone and everything was very busy while I was there. I got to keep her company for a bit during the reception part of the wedding, but there were also a ton of other wedding visitors who wanted to see Aubrey as well. My brother, Brandon, and I also did a dance called the Soldier Boy during the reception for everyone. It was hilarious. My family was like "We had no idea you guys could dance!" I just smiled and thought "Oh, if you only knew."

While I was in Columbia, I got to see some of my friends from college as well. David, Abbie, Julie, and Colleen were all at David and Abbie's house with a few other people. We had a holiday party and it was just really good to be with them again. They were so very constant in my life while I was at Truman that being over here in the Pacific Northwest without them has left me a little adrift. More people were going to be there, but the weather kept people away. David ended up taking me back to my dad's house that night but I had to make him pull over so I could throw up outside his car. Yeah, it was a typical Josh moment.

Coming back, I had convinced that guy I mentioned in my last post to come pick me up from the airport. His name is Mike but I call him Michael. Who knows why. I have a thing with names. That night we went to his friend, Phillip's, house for a little Sunday get together that they all do. Someone makes dinner (this night was Michael's night and he was making gumbo) and they watch a series of shows together. This was my first time at the Sunday night thing even though I had been invited many times before.

My situation with Michael is a bit weird. I liked/like him a lot. Which is hard for me to get out because I really do not like opening up. I know that for most of my friends, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but in the case of strangers and those I hardly know, I view opening up as a weakness. Mike and I would do a lot of things together. Each of us being pretty busy. Me working two jobs, him having a real full time job. Most nights that I didn't have to work at the Gap I would stay over at his house and just wear the same uniform parts for City Year the next day while having packed a Gap outfit for work there the following night. I traveled heavy most days with my trademark bag. This relationship is weird because I allowed Michael in so fast. I typically don't do that. I have no clue why I fell so hard so fast.

One other thing that I started to notice was my pulling away from everyone else. Everything that I wanted to do would be with Mike and I was becoming content. I stopped hanging out with my other friends. And in any sense, I was still extremely busy but I used that as an excuse to justify using my free time to be with Michael instead of the other people I have met while in Seattle. I recognized this because it was something I had seen and been a part of with other friends of mine who have come across significant others. Except I was always one of the ones who was left behind and now I started to see that I was doing what I hated when other friends of mine who were part of couples were doing. And for some reason, I didn't care. I kept saying, things will calm down and I will have more breathing room.

I loved hanging out with Michael every opportunity I got. It reminded me intensely of another relationship of mine in the past that I sworn to secrecy about - ha ha, oops. I loved being woken up every morning by him throwing a pillow over my face so that when he turned on the light to get ready for work the light wouldn't keep me up. I loved that we both had the same taste in music. I loved that he had a car. I loved that he was masculine. I loved how he would plug my phone into his charger every time he left in the morning so my phone wouldn't die. I loved that he had a sense of humor and was much more easy going and outgoing than I am.

A couple of years ago, a guy I was kind of seeing in Ohio decided that he wanted to rape me. Well, maybe he didn't really decide other than that in the moment that is what happened. I am not writing about this out of a need for pity or for sympathy, it's just a statement to help tie together the importance of a later topic. This is a statement of fact that I have accepted as having happened and is not something that has lasting impression on my life. This guy tried forcing himself into me without any type of condom or lubricant. I told him to stop. Multiple times. For a second or two, or maybe more, I was in shock. I started thinking "Is this really happening to me? Am I really being raped?" Then I told myself "Oh hell no." I waited, and when the time was right, I lashed out. Two years of Krav Maga, a lifetime of wrestling with my brothers, the angst of a young man, and the determination of not being made a victim was all connected into one single attack. I left that guy unconscious on his bed and drove back to my mom's house where I was staying while in Ohio. He tried calling later, probably to see if I was going to press charges or something, but I ignored him. I even went so far as to delete his number from my cell phone. If you know me, then you know I have to be prepared and that I keep every bit of information just because some part of me thinks it may be useful later. I deleted his number and therefore any type of connection between the two of us. I don't need him anymore. I went through every, uh, relationship? Fling? Hook up? from thereafter never engaging in that part of man on man intercourse. It hurt too much. I bleed now with large stools and always have since that night. The doctor checked and can't seem to find something wrong with me, although I can almost pinpoint where the pain is. I can feel it. So, this has to do with Michael in one way. I finally went for and allowed this type of sex to happen. The first time it hurt a lot, but eventually the pain went away. The next time, I had to make him stop. Then the third time, it was fine. I enjoyed it and of course he did too. That was Christmas night.

My Christmas and Christmas Eve was very homesick. I missed my family so much. In my opinion, New Year's should be spent with friends while Thanksgiving and Christmas should be spent with the family. God, how I wanted to be home. This was my first Christmas not with my family. Not visiting my dad's parents the night before. Waking up and opening presents with everyone on Christmas morning. Going to my step mom's parents' house for lunch. Jesus, was I homesick. The one thing I wanted from Seattle was for my Michael to hang out with me during this holiday. He was to get back from his mom's on Christmas Eve. I was planning on staying with him that night and waking up Christmas day with him. We both had the day off and would be the first time in a while that we could sleep in (him working or me having him take me to work) or do whatever. He got home late that night and texted me saying he was going to bed and would call me the next day. I ended up getting an invite to go out to dinner with my boss and his partner on Christmas day at a Chinese restaurant. Since I wasn't going to be with Mike, I took him up on the offer and went with them to dinner. Dinner was good, even great. It was also funny to finally meet my boss' life partner and to see how his personality meshed with my boss'. Later that night, Michael got home from his dad's house for dinner and picked me up. We delivered a few cars that I promised someone I would deliver to driveways so they wouldn't get fined. One of the cars was a manual and I don't know how to drive a stick, but Mike does, so I had him drive that one while I drove the automatic. The night was great. Ronda gave me a free movie rental. Mike and I bought some candy from her. We had snacks, opened Christmas presents that each of us got each other, I drank a little. And then the lights went out. I will spare you the details on that as I know it's not really appropriate for me to lay out here. I will keep that for the next Chinese dinner that Jennifer, Amy, and I have - how I miss those! The day after Christmas was the last I had seen of Michael.

He did his usual of flinging a pillow onto my face, then taking off when the lights were back out and he was leaving. We did the normal goodbye routine and he left for work and I went back to bed for another hour before I had to get up and get ready for work. I didn't know that was the end of things. As far as I knew, things were going really good. He even said that he would call me later and that he might be staying later at his job since he was going to be off for New Year's and needed the extra hours.

He never called that night. And, like a stupid little school girl, I waited next to my phone. He didn't call the next day either so I called him from my work and left a message. Still have not heard back from him. If I'm being ignored as a way to drop me, it's a pretty shitty way to end things. However, I know that I have done this before and been the recipient of this before as well. Never, however, has it been with someone who I had spent over a month of my life with and allowed so deeply into my life before. I know that Michael had some intentions of going to Portland for New Year's but he wouldn't go without telling me he was going and even more, he would call me back. On the one hand, I know that he is still alive, which is a relief, because his myspace keeps being updated with the last time he has logged on (god, I sound like such a stalker!). So it is good to know that he's not lying in a gutter somewhere or got ran over by one of the trains he works on. But I still wish that he would have done something different with the ending of things. It would have still hurt but at least it would have been a finality instead of this weird limbo.

Or, I may be doing something that Dan always got on to me about: Thinking too deeply into things. Maybe this is some time to think or there is some reason and tomorrow everything will be fine again. But for now, this is me.

Welcome to my mind, welcome to this craziness.