Wow

Holy crap I suck at posting on this!

I am going to blame it on my drinking habits. Yep, that's the reason why I can't seem to remember to write anything on here anymore.

Two big things recently, if you care, maybe you do, maybe you don't. Whatever.

One, I decided to take a year off. It's completely temporary. The main reason I am taking a year off after I graduate from college before going to graduate school is because I majorly screwed up on my applications. I waited way too long. I found some schools that I could still apply to, but then realized I didn't want to settle. My pops knows that I am planning on not going to graduate school right away and he's majorly worried about me finding a "real" job. My plan is to find some job that can keep me up on a temporary basis. I'm dead set on going back to school after this coming year. And I'm dead set on getting into the schools that I want to get in to and not settling for something that I don't want. My dad doesn't know that part yet, but he will. When I surprise him with my acceptance and decision on where I'm going.

The other thing I did that kicked butt was that I finally came out to my parents. I had decided that I was going to tell them while my brother, Jake, was in the states for his break from the army. I pulled that off, kinda.

I told my mom first. Jake and I were visiting her where she lives and I finally got up enough courage to tell her on the morning that my brother and I were supposed to leave to come back to our hometown. I said "I need to do what I came here to do. I've got something to tell you guys." My step dad, half-brother, and half-sister were all there, so I had quite the audience. They interrogated me on what it could possibly be and when I finally said the words, my step dad says, "that's it? That's what we've been waiting here for?" It didn't matter one bit and that felt amazing. It actually made me feel real stupid for not having the guts to tell them sooner.

I told my dad on the way back from the airport after dropping off my brother for his long trip back overseas. I noticed a visible recoil from my dad in the car after I told him. He asked me if I knew what I was telling him, if I had thought it through, and if I understood how dangerous this lifestyle was. I replied that it's no more dangerous than being straight. He was worried about what the rest of our family would think when/if they found out. He asked me if I thought it was a phase or if I could try different alternatives. I'm not really sure what he meant about alternatives... but in any case, my dad was the person I was probably the absolutely most worried about telling. He's been the person who has taken care of me all of my life and put up with a whole ton of my shit while growing up. I don't know what I would do if I found out that I had ended up being a disappointment to him. He's my hero. Later in the car he asked me if I was glad that I had finally told him, and I said yes. He asked why I was so worried about telling him and I told him that he scares me. Not physically, he's a nice dude, but scared of his response because it means so much to me. I had planned out scenarios of getting kicked out of the car, being hit, or anything in between. I'm so dumb. He said he doesn't understand and wondered what he was supposed to say. I said that he could say that it doesn't matter. In that aspect, at least about me being his son and family, it doesn't. I could tell later on during the break that he would try and ask me more about the little things that I did. I think that was his way of showing me that I'm not an outcast, at least, not an outcast to him, and that's all I wanted.

Family is so very important. Friends, they come, they go, but family lasts.