God, I love them.
And since none of them will ever have access to this blog, I can name my favorites!
Jorge and Gustavo are probably my favorite two. These two little guys I just want to flat out adopt. Fuckin right, they are amazing.
RJ has been one of my favorites since the beginning. This dude is going to be like the president or something someday. He is so great, I swear to you.
My Linh is also a shit ton of fun. She's like the perfect girl, I kid you not.
Tanner is pretty cool too. He gets picked on all the time, but if any of those other kids would just get to know him, they would be amazed at what he knows and what his aspirations are.
Darby is fuckin amazing too. This kid is hilarious and should have been born when I was so we could have been best friends. Hands down.
Bailey is awesome too. I am telling you now that she is going to be some kick ass runner for the USA Olympic team someday.
I love my kids.
I love how they can make everything so bright and shiny.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Posting is Posting
Haha, what the fuck was up with my last posting? Wait, I know. Getting lost for two hours after a complete and utter shut down is enough to break anyone's mood.
As far as life goes, I'm stressed out to the max. I'm working a ton for both jobs and my personality, mood, outlook, etc. is completely taking a plunge.
I'm back at that "I hate everything about City Year" phase again. I detest the uniform, the office work, the stupid games we play, all of it. All I want to do is give it up. I hate being labeled as a quitter, but didn't I once say that "have fun with whatever you are doing because if you aren't having fun, it's not worth doing"? I am pretty sure I did. I know it's a motto that I live by, so I must have declared it at some point in my life. Right now, City Year is not fun. All I want is for it be over. And I could accomplish that. I could stop showing up to City Year tomorrow. Completely erase it from my life.
One thing keeps me going.
My kids. My students, I love them. God, how ridiculous it is that my entire day is brightened by these young people. How amazing that simply being around them on a Saturday will make everything okay and golden. I admit it, I love my kids. Like I wrote, they are the only thing keeping me attached to City Year. It's not like I didn't know that CY was going to be rough. I mean hell, one of their "PITW"s even states: "City Year is hard. Be strong." I should have known that I wasn't ready for what I would be getting myself into. All I want is to hang out with the kids. I don't want any of the other bullshit that has to come along with that.
One of my roommates was driving me home from work today and I said I would be quitting. I had just gotten out of a meeting with my entire team and I was in complete hate mode. Through the talking and all of the other crap on the way back, I kept considering the weight of me leaving. Curriculum would be down a member, my team would be down a member, my kids would no longer have me there... any number of things. On one hand, I could finally focus on myself like I really want to. On the other, I could still get to see my kids almost every weekend. I ultimately decided that the kids completely made quitting not an option. I won't and I can't. Only for the kids, though. Not for my boss, not my service leader, and not even my team (sorry folks).
I am only here for them. That uniform is for them. The office shit is for them. The meetings is for them. The humility is for them. The shutting my mouth is for them. The old Josh would not approve, all of this for kids. And here's me, an individual who will not ever be able to have any of his own.
As far as that side of my life goes, some things are over, some are stagnant, and some new things are coming up.
Brady is gone, I believe. Although I'm not sure if it was me or him that made that decision. The entire thing is/was very much in limbo.
Rudy is confusing, although when I talked to a close friend who also knows him, I was reassured that the things he does he has always done. Basically, he never responds and is even considered a player by some people. Wonderful! Exactly who I want to do things with!
Josh is a bit off the wall, I think. Every time I see him something huge is going on. I don't know if I would like to be in that situation again, so I haven't been allowing myself to get close to him. Soon he will probably figure that out and get rid of me.
Travis is just Travis. He did come to our last game and I even invited him to go out with me that night. Although he never said no, he never said yes either and was gone before the rest of the team was done socializing at our after game hangout spot. That man, I swear, he's hard to read.
Jack is no longer an option like I thought he was. It actually turns out that he's straight. And has a girlfriend. I got my signals crossed. Haha, who would have known.
You know, I just wrote something, then deleted it, then re-wrote it, then deleted it again. Why? This is supposed to be my personal space. An area where I can air my laundry and get shit out. I can type whatever the fuck I want.
Chase is new to the scene kinda. He's Michael's roommate and someone who recently told me he has had a crush on me since he first met me when I was with Mike. We hung out last weekend (with other people too) and we ended up hooking up that night. You may think that there are a lot of guy names on here, but I rarely do anything serious with any of them. It's just my style. I don't know where this is going, although I have a feeling that it will be platonic. Possibly even as fuck buddies. As far as him being my ex's roommate, well, I guess we will always have to use my place, eh?
I also went home with Art Saturday night, but did not do anything too bad. Art is Art and will always be Art. He holds a little something special in my heart as being the first guy I met here in Seattle.
John is also new. It's strange how we met as it was through Facebook. There's this whole "interested" application thing that allows people to see what others who also have the application look like. He and I apparently clicked "Yes" on each other and Facebook identified us as a match. A poke war began with his initializing and with me finally messaging him. We chatted for a bit on AIM and then met this past week. Now this guy, I like quite a bit. Our humor is very similar and we fit on many more levels. The one thing is that he is leaving Seattle in May. My mind thinks: Why even try if my ultimate goal is a lasting relationship? The response that my heart gives is: Which is better, to ignore something that could be amazing even if it lasts only for a short while, or to embrace and experience that amazing-ness and remember it forever? To remember.
I'm sticking with the heart on this one, he better too.
I'm such a romantic sap.
Cheers. Off to the second job.
As far as life goes, I'm stressed out to the max. I'm working a ton for both jobs and my personality, mood, outlook, etc. is completely taking a plunge.
I'm back at that "I hate everything about City Year" phase again. I detest the uniform, the office work, the stupid games we play, all of it. All I want to do is give it up. I hate being labeled as a quitter, but didn't I once say that "have fun with whatever you are doing because if you aren't having fun, it's not worth doing"? I am pretty sure I did. I know it's a motto that I live by, so I must have declared it at some point in my life. Right now, City Year is not fun. All I want is for it be over. And I could accomplish that. I could stop showing up to City Year tomorrow. Completely erase it from my life.
One thing keeps me going.
My kids. My students, I love them. God, how ridiculous it is that my entire day is brightened by these young people. How amazing that simply being around them on a Saturday will make everything okay and golden. I admit it, I love my kids. Like I wrote, they are the only thing keeping me attached to City Year. It's not like I didn't know that CY was going to be rough. I mean hell, one of their "PITW"s even states: "City Year is hard. Be strong." I should have known that I wasn't ready for what I would be getting myself into. All I want is to hang out with the kids. I don't want any of the other bullshit that has to come along with that.
One of my roommates was driving me home from work today and I said I would be quitting. I had just gotten out of a meeting with my entire team and I was in complete hate mode. Through the talking and all of the other crap on the way back, I kept considering the weight of me leaving. Curriculum would be down a member, my team would be down a member, my kids would no longer have me there... any number of things. On one hand, I could finally focus on myself like I really want to. On the other, I could still get to see my kids almost every weekend. I ultimately decided that the kids completely made quitting not an option. I won't and I can't. Only for the kids, though. Not for my boss, not my service leader, and not even my team (sorry folks).
I am only here for them. That uniform is for them. The office shit is for them. The meetings is for them. The humility is for them. The shutting my mouth is for them. The old Josh would not approve, all of this for kids. And here's me, an individual who will not ever be able to have any of his own.
As far as that side of my life goes, some things are over, some are stagnant, and some new things are coming up.
Brady is gone, I believe. Although I'm not sure if it was me or him that made that decision. The entire thing is/was very much in limbo.
Rudy is confusing, although when I talked to a close friend who also knows him, I was reassured that the things he does he has always done. Basically, he never responds and is even considered a player by some people. Wonderful! Exactly who I want to do things with!
Josh is a bit off the wall, I think. Every time I see him something huge is going on. I don't know if I would like to be in that situation again, so I haven't been allowing myself to get close to him. Soon he will probably figure that out and get rid of me.
Travis is just Travis. He did come to our last game and I even invited him to go out with me that night. Although he never said no, he never said yes either and was gone before the rest of the team was done socializing at our after game hangout spot. That man, I swear, he's hard to read.
Jack is no longer an option like I thought he was. It actually turns out that he's straight. And has a girlfriend. I got my signals crossed. Haha, who would have known.
You know, I just wrote something, then deleted it, then re-wrote it, then deleted it again. Why? This is supposed to be my personal space. An area where I can air my laundry and get shit out. I can type whatever the fuck I want.
Chase is new to the scene kinda. He's Michael's roommate and someone who recently told me he has had a crush on me since he first met me when I was with Mike. We hung out last weekend (with other people too) and we ended up hooking up that night. You may think that there are a lot of guy names on here, but I rarely do anything serious with any of them. It's just my style. I don't know where this is going, although I have a feeling that it will be platonic. Possibly even as fuck buddies. As far as him being my ex's roommate, well, I guess we will always have to use my place, eh?
I also went home with Art Saturday night, but did not do anything too bad. Art is Art and will always be Art. He holds a little something special in my heart as being the first guy I met here in Seattle.
John is also new. It's strange how we met as it was through Facebook. There's this whole "interested" application thing that allows people to see what others who also have the application look like. He and I apparently clicked "Yes" on each other and Facebook identified us as a match. A poke war began with his initializing and with me finally messaging him. We chatted for a bit on AIM and then met this past week. Now this guy, I like quite a bit. Our humor is very similar and we fit on many more levels. The one thing is that he is leaving Seattle in May. My mind thinks: Why even try if my ultimate goal is a lasting relationship? The response that my heart gives is: Which is better, to ignore something that could be amazing even if it lasts only for a short while, or to embrace and experience that amazing-ness and remember it forever? To remember.
I'm sticking with the heart on this one, he better too.
I'm such a romantic sap.
Cheers. Off to the second job.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Life
I have updates to post, but tonight, I was prompted to post really quick before I pass out due to a realization.
There are some people in my life, who I deem to be very important, who could maybe only qualify as a acquaintances.
I got lost tonight trying to escape a situation that was starting to just be dumb. Three is more than a crowd, duh. As if the texting wasn't plainly obvious.
On my attempt to get home, I got hopelessly lost. I went through my phone, calling some people and ignoring calling others. Those that I didn't call, I knew would not pick up.
That's the problem. Would they not pick up because of the time or is it because we're not good enough friends to help a brother out when he needs it the most?
I think it's way more of the latter.
There are some people in my life, who I deem to be very important, who could maybe only qualify as a acquaintances.
I got lost tonight trying to escape a situation that was starting to just be dumb. Three is more than a crowd, duh. As if the texting wasn't plainly obvious.
On my attempt to get home, I got hopelessly lost. I went through my phone, calling some people and ignoring calling others. Those that I didn't call, I knew would not pick up.
That's the problem. Would they not pick up because of the time or is it because we're not good enough friends to help a brother out when he needs it the most?
I think it's way more of the latter.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Failing
Failing has always been one of the hardest things for me to live with. Fear of failure has kept me back so many times in my life.
Lately, I've started failing while working.
My desire to help has been lagging behind in the amount of work I have to do. It's true that City Year is difficult, in fact, much more difficult than I had originally thought it would be. I had problems earlier while working for CY and now it seems they might be coming back. My tolerance, patience, understanding, and acceptance is completely bottomed out. My frustration, annoyance, anger, and difficulty is topped off. A sad aspect of this is that I can already tell it's starting to affect my team again. Will I ever get over my own shit?
I keep telling people that the only thing that keeps me working for City Year are the kids I have in the program. Without them I would quit. Well, that's what I keep spouting to anyone who will listen. Being labeled as a quitter is something I also abhor.
Lately, it's been harder to even work with my kids. I don't know what's going on in my head, but all I keep thinking is "These kids don't want my help. They don't want their teacher's help. Why do we try? What's the point in being here and taking our time to try to help them out? These kids don't care about the varying levels of higher education only a city away. They don't give a shit that we want them to be successful and to reap everything out of life. They don't give a damn about the complete lack of compensation corps members receive to put up with their shit all day. Why the fuck am I here if I'm not wanted?"
It's hard justifying going to work everyday to myself. I start to put on our uniform and things just go straight downhill. My thoughts always turn towards what I could be doing with myself and my life. Money I could be making. Security and stability that I could be reinforcing.
And of course, the ease with which I could return back to my hometown and fall into some sort of never ending self-imposed hell.
I absolutely do not want to go back to the Midwest. I absolutely do not want to put myself back into that town.
I want to make waves. I want to have an impact and to be remembered. Not for what I look like or how fun I was, but for what I did, what I accomplished.
Right now I feel like I'm just accomplishing failure.
And it's totally killing my mood.
PS - If you care, Brady seems to have moved out of my life on his own volition. Josh has as well, although I think I had something to do with his direction. Travis seems to be gone as well, although, that could just be because he never gave me his number and he didn't come to our last soccer game. C'est la vie, I guess. However, two new players have entered the scene as well: Rudy and (surprisingly) Jack. You City Year readers will know who he is, ha ha! I'll give more background on their stories later if I end up wanting to do so.
Oops. Hope they were okay with being associated with me avec the internet.
Lately, I've started failing while working.
My desire to help has been lagging behind in the amount of work I have to do. It's true that City Year is difficult, in fact, much more difficult than I had originally thought it would be. I had problems earlier while working for CY and now it seems they might be coming back. My tolerance, patience, understanding, and acceptance is completely bottomed out. My frustration, annoyance, anger, and difficulty is topped off. A sad aspect of this is that I can already tell it's starting to affect my team again. Will I ever get over my own shit?
I keep telling people that the only thing that keeps me working for City Year are the kids I have in the program. Without them I would quit. Well, that's what I keep spouting to anyone who will listen. Being labeled as a quitter is something I also abhor.
Lately, it's been harder to even work with my kids. I don't know what's going on in my head, but all I keep thinking is "These kids don't want my help. They don't want their teacher's help. Why do we try? What's the point in being here and taking our time to try to help them out? These kids don't care about the varying levels of higher education only a city away. They don't give a shit that we want them to be successful and to reap everything out of life. They don't give a damn about the complete lack of compensation corps members receive to put up with their shit all day. Why the fuck am I here if I'm not wanted?"
It's hard justifying going to work everyday to myself. I start to put on our uniform and things just go straight downhill. My thoughts always turn towards what I could be doing with myself and my life. Money I could be making. Security and stability that I could be reinforcing.
And of course, the ease with which I could return back to my hometown and fall into some sort of never ending self-imposed hell.
I absolutely do not want to go back to the Midwest. I absolutely do not want to put myself back into that town.
I want to make waves. I want to have an impact and to be remembered. Not for what I look like or how fun I was, but for what I did, what I accomplished.
Right now I feel like I'm just accomplishing failure.
And it's totally killing my mood.
PS - If you care, Brady seems to have moved out of my life on his own volition. Josh has as well, although I think I had something to do with his direction. Travis seems to be gone as well, although, that could just be because he never gave me his number and he didn't come to our last soccer game. C'est la vie, I guess. However, two new players have entered the scene as well: Rudy and (surprisingly) Jack. You City Year readers will know who he is, ha ha! I'll give more background on their stories later if I end up wanting to do so.
Oops. Hope they were okay with being associated with me avec the internet.
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